Ramblings of a Sarcastic Asian

Standing the Test of Time

2011-12-01T19:29:00.001-05:00

So, back in the day when my buddies and I used to karaoke Beastie Boys on our Friday nights, we decided to do a music video for (what we thought at the time, but was later disproved by our Beasties' Bracket) the greatest Beastie Boys' song, "So Whatcha' Want." One segment preceding the actual video involved each of us telling a terribly horrible joke. I don't know why we thought this would be a good prologue, but we did it.

My buddy J2K's joke was: "Why was the tomato blushing?"

Answer: "Because it saw the salad dressing." BOOM.

Today in class, a classmate gives me some Laffy Taffy's, I open it, eat it, and then think to myself "I wonder what the Laffy Taffy jokes are like these days."

The picture quality is poor, but it says "Why was the tomato blushing?"

11 years later, I text J2K with that question, and the reply: "Ah man cuz it saw the salad dressing."

Some humor is timeless.

The Family Name

2011-11-20T16:07:00.000-05:00

Well, Mrs. RoSA is pregnant with baby RoSA, and we found out this past week the little dude is going to be a boy. What a relief.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm excited for when I have a little girl, but the relief part selfishly comes from the fact that because my father was the only son in his family, and I am the only son in mine, all of the pressure was on me to carry on my family's name. This, however, has provided no resolution to the problem and has left me feeling slightly guilty, as I am really only passing the same pressure I felt -- having the family name continue -- on to my son.

Is this what the federal government feels like when they continue to pass on the burden and pressure of our massive federal deficit to the next generation? My guess is "probably not."

Had to Blog it

2011-10-11T20:05:00.000-04:00

Wear your helmets, kids.

Apparently, I'm the Nic Cage Guy Now? Awesome.

2011-10-03T19:15:00.000-04:00

Thanks to my unabashed and -- by unanimous consensus, unhealthy -- lust for things such as bacon and root beer, friends and family often kindly go out of their way to pass on interesting news stories about said topics... or, when they are feeling particularly generous, to buy me associated products. Off the top of my head, I can think of many items given to me: a bacon chocolate bar (consumed with a quizzical, yet satisfied, look on my face); membership to a Root Beer of the Month Club (the only thing I looked forward to for three months straight); random obscure root beers from distant lands (consumed with gratitude); a bacon air freshener (presently stinking up my car); a bacon-bits-topped chocolate muffin (surprisingly good); and, gummy candy that looked uncannily like bacon. You get the idea: There are advantages to publicizing what you like.

I'm afraid, however, that my thorough and accurate analysis from a while back about Mr. Nic Cage and the trajectory of his career (disclaimer: I realize "downward spiral" may not technically be a trajectory for you physics nerds, but deal with it) may have conveyed that I want to know everything I can about the guy.

First, there was an article that Google News somehow inferred that I wanted to read about him while he is out promoting his new movie, in which he shared his own personal experience with home invasion. I will only paste an excerpt:

"It was two in the morning. I was living in Orange County at the time and was asleep with my wife. My two-year old at the time was in another room. I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed," he told reporters on Wednesday.

"I know it sounds funny ... but it was horrifying."

A Fudgesicle is a frozen, ice cream-like snack.

(Reuters seeing fit to explain what a fudgesicle is is probably the best part of the article.)

Anyway, yesterday, I got this email from my sister about a man who found an 1870s photograph of a Nic Cage doppelganger. The email simply said, "This made me think of you." Behold the photo:


Give him a Hawaiian shirt and some longer, dishevelled hair, and you have Raising Arizona

I'm all about old photos, but you have to admit that 1870s photography didn't quite capture the crazy of Nic Cage like modern film does. I present to the jury Exhibit A & B and rest my case:

Anyway, apparently I am not only "The Bacon Guy" and "The Root Beer Guy" -- appellations I am very proud of -- but I am now also "The Nic Cage Guy." The only time I felt more misunderstood was when a Japanese man heard me speaking my 4-month old Japanese and asked "Anata wa seishinbyo ja nai*?"

*You're retarded, right?

Greek Cultures

2011-08-13T19:09:00.000-04:00

I need someone to please explain to me how the Greeks are in financial trouble. Have you seen how much they're selling their yogurt for? I was in the grocery store and was appalled. They've gotta be making a KILLING.

Why Did We Ever Learn Cursive?

2011-06-16T21:45:00.000-04:00

Took the GRE on Tuesday -- I'm excited about the future opportunities this will allow me to have; but mostly, I'm just that it's over and I can go back to doing things I enjoy (reading, blogging, nothing) without feeling guilty that I'm not cramming worthless words into my brain that I will never use in a normal conversation.

They're quite strict about admission to these tests (understandably), but all the signed forms and presenting of IDs and having my mugshot taken made it feel like I was being granted access to Area 51.

Oddly enough, perhaps the most formidable challenge to my success on the exam came before it even started. I had to fill out a form on which I gave my agreement to not disclose details about the test and say I understood the testing rules. I then had to copy down an entire paragraph, verbatim,to verify that I understood the agreement. In cursive. When was the last time you wrote in cursive? I have no recollection of the last time I wrote in this archaic script. I'm pretty sure I looked like I had arthritic hands as I unnaturally and uncomfortably fumbled my way through writing an entire paragraph in cursive English. The end product probably looked like a drunk 3-year old's attempt at writing a statement. I'm surprised they admitted me to take the exam, but I suppose they took some pity on me since I did pay them $160 to take it.

Bonnie, Bonnie Scotland

2011-05-15T15:01:00.000-04:00

Mrs. RoSA and I are recently returned from a 10-day trek to Scotland. It has always been at the top of my Top 5 Countries to Visit List, and it did not disappoint. In fact, it greatly surpassed all of my highly-inflated expectations of seeing rugged green mountains with beautiful lochs, centuries-old castles, and historical sites.

All of my expectations prior to going could really be distilled down to this video clip:

Essentially, I wanted my Scotland experience to be me scampering up rocky cliffs in the Highlands, shaggy and overgrown hair blowing in the wind, claymore broadsword strapped to my back, bagpipe music playing as my soundtrack. This led me to demand of Mrs. RoSA that she not only learn to play the bagpipes, but that she learn to play them whilst running behind me, minstrel-like, as I scampered up cliffs. Here's an approximation of how the dialogue ensued:

Mrs. RoSA: Josh, I don't think I have the lung capacity to simultaneously play the bagpipes AND scale mountains; in fact, I'm pretty sure I would pass out.
Me: Isn't this one of those things we implicitly agreed upon when we got married?
Mrs. RoSA: Eyeroll.* I'll consider it if you wear a kilt.

I think we eventually settled on listening to the Braveheart soundtrack on our iPods while running up the Highland mountains. Technology makes things easier.

*When we're chatting on Gmail, Mrs. RoSA actually types out her eyerolls.

I will leave you with a few photos of my choosing from the trip. I have to add that the frustrating thing with Scotland is that the natural beauty is on such a scale that it was difficult to recapture. This, of course, had me blaming my camera, my lenses, and the brightness of the sun -- basically everything but my own lack of photographic acumen (As you can tell, I'm more of a blame others, "shoot the messenger"-type of guy).

1) The Table, part of the Quiraing -- an awe-inspring group of eroded basalt cliffs on the Isle of Skye. The most beautiful natural scenery I have ever seen:

2) Edinburgh Castle -- A huge castle built out of a black, volcanic rock overlooking the city:

3) The Lost Valley -- We took a steep hike up between two of the Three Sisters...mountains near Glencoe. In between these two mountains is 800-yards worth of flat valley where clans used to store stolen sheep. Unfortunately, this picture doesn't capture the scale of the valley. Stupid camera...

To read about our trip in more detail and to check out some pictures, you can check out our blog, The Rogue and the Fury, here.

Dispatches from the Political Warzone

2011-04-17T19:22:00.000-04:00

Being the educated readers that you are (a recent survey found that the average education level of RoSA readers was a dual MD/PhD -- so if you haven't educated yourself to that level, my sarcastic "thanks" for dragging down the average) you probably know something about the political struggles taking place in our nation's capital. It turns out that our sleepy little neighborhood in suburban northern Virginia is in the midst of a similar upheaval. Political machinations are afoot at The Compound. See exhibit A, a two-sided letter slipped under my door sometime in the middle of the night:

Basically, what I can discern from this is that a new, power-hungry "Coalition" of owners is trying to seize power from the incumbent Board Members of the Compound, and the incumbents (the people who left this note under my door) are trying to rally support to their cause with a mostly pointless letter with fear-mongering phrases like "checkmate," "smug with power," and "hidden agendas." (To their credit, the math lesson of 459 minus 40 equaling 419 was educational and enlightening. Thank you, Letter Writers, for the crash course in advanced subtraction)

Yes, my friends, the Compound -- which I half-jokingly view as the homeowners' association equivalent of something between a debtors' prison and Fascist Italy -- is apparently in the midst of a legitimate coup d'état and possible revolution: think Napolean in 1799, Iran in 1953/1979, or Chile in 1973. Although, admittedly, you wouldn't know it by looking outside. Just a bunch of nice-looking old folks out walking and enjoying the spring weather.

This felt like a Taliban night letter had been delivered to my door while I was sleeping. I admit that the letter contains no explicitly-stated threats, but were there implied ones if I don't do what the letter-writers want me to? Are my kneecaps going to get broken? Am I going to get beat up and thrown down our garbage chute (which is totally fine with the Compund rules so long as it doesn't happen between 10PM and 7AM) if I don't comply?

I enjoy watching the chess game of political maneuvering take place between countries, but having it so close to home is kind of exhilarating. I can only hope that this feud culminates into some sort of Machiavellian bloodbath and Mrs. RoSA and I get to spectate as these idiots tear each other apart a la the battle at the OK Corral. Viva la Revolucion, everyone (maybe)??

Reasons to Visit Utah

2011-04-13T18:28:00.000-04:00

I suppose one could speculate that the real reasons we went were to visit a new nephew, see family, see the awesome mountains, and eat some, in my opinion, overrated Cafe Rio (<-- Mrs. RoSA will kill me if she sees this) -- and those were our stated objectives -- but that person would be wrong. I was there to eat the best chips in the world:

...and to drink the best root beer in the world:

...and then to procure and bring them home in ridiculous enough quantities that security at the airport wants to look in your bags and confirm that, yes, all those large bags they saw in your carry-ons are actually full of chips. I can't blame them, really, as three large, "party size" bags of any kind of chips are anomalous enough to raise suspicion.

Denny's Drunken Party

2011-04-01T19:44:00.000-04:00

Well, this picture came in from White Josh earlier this week:

Yes, some marketing nerd at Denny's is currently patting himself on the back in self-congratulation for his play on "bacchanalia." Unfortunately for him -- and by extension, Denny's -- I'm afraid that the wit of his wordplay will probably be lost on the intended audience, as I don't think the vast majority of Denny's customers are familiar enough with Roman history / mythology to know what bacchanalia were. Unfortunately for me, I do know what bacchanalia are, and linking Denny's and its customers with the drunken, debauchery-filled Roman orgies called "bacchanalia" is perhaps the last thing I ever want to imagine. Ever.

This is more the image I associate with Denny's:

And these are the follow-up images of the menu that Josh sent. Behold, the overuse of bacon:

DOOM Goes the Dynamite

2011-03-25T09:33:00.000-04:00

Did anyone play the first-person shooter "DOOM" growing up? Because I think this guy did. 400 rounds. 17 grenades. 1 mine. 30 enemies fended off. All in a days work.

Instead of a chainsaw, though, this guy attempted to use a sandbag, and then his gun tripod. I kept reading and hoping that there would be mention of the BFG somewhere in there. No such luck.

Regardless, what a stud.

March Laziness, or Procrastination

2011-03-20T22:15:00.000-04:00

Every year around February, I always tell myself I will start following college basketball so that I can be prepared for March Madness. It never happens.

Every year, the week before the Madness starts, I always tell myself I'll do some research so I can give myself a puncher's chance in my friends' bracket. That never happens, either.

So the night before/day of the tournament, I throw together my bracket -- basing it on how the teams did last year -- and hope that history repeats itself... which it never does, because, as is hinted at in its name, the tournament is madness, pandemonium, and chaos.

The result is that I am always somewhere in the middle of my bracket challenge. I have grown used to mediocrity, but that's fine because the games are still fun to watch.

Slightly related endnote. I thought the following headline on ESPN.com from Saturday was lame: If Florida (2-seed) is ranked higher than UCLA (7-seed), what is informative about a headline that says the better team will be a "tough" opponent for the lower-ranked team?

Why I Worry When Work Meetings Go Long

2011-03-15T18:03:00.000-04:00

Mrs. RoSA tends to worry a little bit when I am incommunicado. Have a listen to the most recent voicemail:

Wife-mandated caveat: She is not crazy -- her mind just tends to drift towards worst-case scenarios, is all.

Photo of the Week -- The Ol' Mid-Haircut Stab Haircut 14 Mar 2011

2011-03-14T18:07:00.000-04:00

This has to be one of the greater mugshots ever:

From Mediaite, this man, named David Davis (sounds like his parents put a lot of thought and creativity into naming him), was:

"...getting his haircut when he was approached by a man he had previously been arguing with. Davis claims that he feared for his safety, so he slashed the guy with a pair of scissors. Police later arrested him and he was charged with first-degree assault. He didn’t, however, get to finish his haircut..."

Yup. That. just. happened.

6 Unsolicited Observations on LotR

2011-03-10T17:54:00.004-05:00

Ever since Mrs. RoSA bought me The Hobbit for my birthday and I devoured -- I kid you not, I literally ate the book -- in three days, I have been revisiting the movies a little bit at a time over the last few weeks. They are as good as ever. Some opinions/immutable truths:

1) Fellowship is still the best of the three, and I challenge anyone to convince me otherwise. Sean Bean (Boromir) and Ian McKellan (Gandalf) are amazing.

My boy Sean steals the show -- and also makes an attempt at the Ring

2) They should make special edition Blu-Rays that have a "Frodo & Sam Scene" filter. My tolerance for hobbits longingly staring at each other is very low -- last I checked, it was 0 -- so I essentially skip all of their scenes in The Two Towers and The Return of the King now. The movies are much shorter that way, anyway.

3) In cinematic history, has there been a more worthless protagonist than Frodo? I challenge the readers to present me with one (I'm throwing down all kinds of gauntlets...I must be feeling particularly belligerent today), because I am hard-pressed to think of a character that has contributed less to the success of a mission than Frodo Baggins of the Shire.* I've never seen a protagonist so quickly and so completely plummet from "well, he's not very useful, but at least he tries hard" (Fellowship) to "good grief -- watching Frodo's disintegration into pathetic worthlessness is like the Middle Earth metaphor for Lindsay Lohan's personal life" (Two Towers and Return). Literally, there is a scene in The Return of the King when he is collapsed on the mountain-side, looks up as if he is going to do something compelling, crawls on all fours for one, maybe two feet, then collapses in a pitiful heap.**

I guess a testament to the quality of these movie-making is that I despise the protagonist so much yet still love the movies.

*Bumbling idiots like Inspector Closeau in The Pink Panther do not count as candidates here, because the whole point of those movies is that they are bumbling idiots that just happen to succeed.

**I just Googled "Worthless Movie Protagonists" and nothing of value showed up. We can do this, people!

4) I do a killer Gimli impression. But only of him yelling. So basically my impersonation repertoire has been expanded from "Bruce Lee with Sunglasses" to "Bruce Lee with Sunglasses" and "Yelling Dwarf." The audition calls for acting roles should start pouring in now.

5) Because I never saw Fellowship in the theater, I'm constantly asking Mrs. RoSA how the audience responded to certain scenes in the film. I think she's getting sick of saying "yes, Josh, everyone was balling when Gandalf fell off the bridge," as she watches me wipe my eyes yet again.

6) Speaking of that scene of Gandalf falling, how about that expression on Aragorn's face (see below)? This is less the look of someone thinking "Man...my boy Gandalf just plunged to his death" and more the look of "Oh shiz. That means I'm in charge, doesn't it?"

The Dilemma of My Blog

2011-03-07T21:22:00.001-05:00

For those of you who follow the blog (ie my five family members and friends that are bored at work), you may have noticed I have not been blogging as of late. I've been having an existential crisis, blog-wise, and have been thinking about the purpose and opportunity cost of RoSA. (I actually don't know what 'opportunity cost' means, but I'm hoping I guessed correctly.)

You all know that I love writing. The process is an enjoyably challenging puzzle of creation to me: to observe, to take scattered and unformed thoughts and make them coherent, to take seemingly disparate thoughts and to synthesize them, to refine sentences in order to achieve precision... Oh yes, I can't forget to add my personal favorite: "to make ridiculously outlandish comparisons to prove an irrelevant point."

In addition, the continual practice of writing has yielded tangible results: improved writing, where I've learned what works, what doesn't work, and why through the proces; and the forum to chronicle and document the things that happen in my life. These reasons are all part of the writing puzzle that make it fun and fulfilling.

These are also, for better or worse, the same reasons that make the writing puzzle so frustrating -- like the 1000-piece puzzle of pure blue sky I tried to put together as a kid (<-- completely fabricated for illustrative purposes). Doing all of those things that I just gushed about like a teenage girl -- and to do them well -- require thought and time. Both are premium and limited resources for anybody. This created a dilemma with the blog that I have struggled with and tried to balance for three and a half years: Because I will not get paid to write what I like, I cannot commit the time and attention to writing that I would like to. It will always be a lower priority. Unfortunately, writing that I am willing to "publish" for public consumption requires time. But if I wait to publish something I'm completely satisfied with, nothing will ever get written, because I cannot allocate the required time to write. And if I don't continue writing, then there will be attrition. It's a cycle; and a vicious one at that. I can sort of see why Hemingway went with the shotgun.

The conclusion and compromise I reached over the years was that I would have to force myself to write, even if I wasn't completely satisfied with what I wrote all of the time. So I did weekly entries that required deadlines, such as PotW and the Weekly Highlights. These self-imposed due dates compelled me to write, which was good in some ways because it kept me writing and observant... but they were bad in other ways because the same entries often forced me to put stuff out that was "meh," simply because the next day was my artificial deadline of Monday or Thursday. (Reference the last few Weekly Highlights. I've felt like a monkey flinging crap against the wall -- little thought was involved, and very little stuck to the wall)

So I have been frustrated with my lack of time to commit to writing. Where does this leave RoSA? I have no idea. To give up writing is not the solution, obviously. We shall see how this unfolds.

As a partial solution, perhaps, I will be contributing to our family blog with Mrs. RoSA here (made private at Mrs. RoSA's request). First entry should be out this week.

Photo of the Week -- The Origin of Fear? 21 Feb 2011

2011-02-21T10:11:00.003-05:00

We're all familiar with my well-documented fear of clowns. The dudes just creep me out. I have accepted the fact, gone through therapy, and tried to not let it control my life. That's why, as I was digging through photos of my childhood I was initially surprised to find this gem from a long time ago:

That's right. I dressed as a clown -- the very thing I still wet my pants about upon even hearing the mention of -- for Halloween one year. Which leads me to asking: I wonder what the origins of my fear of clowns were, and when it started? Obviously it was after the day this picture was taken... otherwise my chubby little Japanese face would have been twisted in an expression of inconsolable fear immediately upon seeing my own reflection. Perhaps I don't want to delve into this. It could turn into a Bourne-like scenario where I find out crazy things about my past that were better left buried.

And of all coincidences, I was studying GRE vocabulary words yesterday and here is the example sentence for the word "engender". THIS IS VERBATIM: "His fear and hatred of clowns was engendered when he witnessed the death of his father at the hands of a clown."

I realize children aren't studying for these standardized tests, but this is a demented example sentence. Is this a sign I should just forget about some sort of further education? I mean, am I going to be physically assaulted by a clown whilst taking the GRE? Help?

Happy Monday. I'll be busy quelling paranoia about a clown attack.

Weekly Selects #48

2011-02-17T09:16:00.003-05:00

Fairly slow week, but let's do this:

-Via Email from Lexi, sending me a link to a page titled "Top Ten Most Useless Products Ever" -- my personal favorite was the Wearable Dog House:

I'm happy to say that a Japanese product made the list. Frankly, I would have been shocked if it were otherwise. What I'm sad about is that American society has reached the extent of laziness where we encourage the laziness of our pets. I guess asking your dog to, um, walk, while you go on a walk with him is asking too much of him.

-Via Google Reader Share, perhaps the biggest pair of endearingly nerdy losers:

(Please disregard that both males happen to be Asian)

-Via Email from Case:

I didn't read this, I just saw "Japan" and "Strange" and thought you might be interested.

Well, I didn't read it either -- mostly out of pride. If Case didn't read it, why should I? (This is why I need to hire a screener of the content sent to me). I browsed the photos and it might be worth checking out if you're planning a trip to the Land of the Rising Sun anytime soon...it's an article about "13 of Japan’s Most Strangely Stylish Hotels"

Photo of the Week -- The Hobbit is Coming 14 Feb 2011

2011-02-15T07:23:00.000-05:00

Well, as part of my "reclamation" (yes, I'm a project and always will be) as an "uncultured and unrefined philistine", I am watching the BBC mini-series North & South with Mrs. RoSA. (All quotations are approximations and/or completely fabricated) I pointed out somewhere between my incessant snide remarks and sleeping that the dude playing Mr. Thornton (Richard Armitage) has an awesome voice, and Mrs. RoSA replied "Yes. He'll make a mighty Thorin."

Agreed. Mr. Armitage will be playing the lead dwarf, Thorin, in The Hobbit that is currently in production.

I recently re-read the book -- the first time since my illiterate days of childhood* -- and it was awesome. The Lord of Rings trilogy is one of my favorites, but The Hobbit is much more a display of Tolkien's wit and light-heartedness. There's just not as much (ie the end of the world) at stake and it's a fun read. (Plus I don't foresee any longing and uncomfortable stares shared between Bilbo and any of the dwarves, a la Frodo and Sam fjwionav... [<-- Sorry, I just shuddered], so that's an added bonus for anyone who found those scenes in Return of the King unbearable. That, and Bilbo won't be a worthless protagonist like Frodo. What a loser) And with 13 dwarves, that will be a lot of facial hair floating around in each scene. Awesome.

*The recently revealed family story is that, because I didn't read as much as my sisters who always had their noses buried in books, Shigeko thought I was more or less an illiterate teenager. So apparently she pulled my oldest sister Jen aside and asked her to get me reading so I wouldn't end up eating out of a dumpster for the rest of my life. Jen's book of choice was The Hobbit.

Happy (late) Monday to you. I was busy buying flowers and chocolates and dinner for the Mrs.

Weekly Selects #47

2011-02-10T10:01:00.005-05:00

Weekly Selects again. Let's. Do. This.

--Via Email from Saree, an article about the Chinese air force:

Chinese air force drill looks awfully similar to ‘Top Gun’

Basically, to make a live exercise look good, the Chinese stole footage from Top Gun. I can't say I'm all that surprised -- the Chinese virtually steal all of their technology anyway, so stealing movie footage just seems a matter of course. But if you're going to steal from a movie about fighter planes, why settle on something from the 80's? Why not a more modern one, like Stealth? Case, any rebuttals?

--Via Google Reader. We all know I love the new Batman movies, so this comic was just too funny:

(from here)

And lastly...

--Via email from Jay, about a BYU student who wrote in to the school's newspaper (The Daily Universe) to complain about the campus-wide mania surrounding Jimmer Fredette, star basketball player, and did the foolish thing of 1) writing in under her full name, and 2) posting about it on her publicly-viewable Facebook account. Her Facebook Wall has now been bombarded (quite hilariously):

That poor girl has no idea what she started

So, first off, The Daily Universe is in the running for "Printed Materials That Are Most Painful to Read," alongside the chapter on STDs for my college health class (pictures included!), and anything written by Stephanie Meyer. It's just awful. But that's not really the point. More to the point: writing into the BYU school newspaper and saying you don't want to hear about the school's latest sports star is like living in the Soviet Union and writing into Pravda to say you're sick of hearing all this crap about Lenin. Do you have the right to your opinion? Absolutely. Do you have the right to express it? Absolutely. Should you? Now that's a different question altogether, and this girl's FB Wall is evidence of that.

How Lazy am I?

2011-02-08T22:57:00.000-05:00

I often ask myself this question, and because the answer is unfailingly something along the lines of "really, " "quite," or "disappointingly so," I am rarely surprised by what I find. I'm a dude. I'm lazy. It is a law of physics.

Yesterday, however, I shocked even myself when I discovered the extent of my laziness.

Mrs. RoSA likes her soap dispensers. Something about liking things that "smell nice" and hygiene. And other stuff that I don't care about.

As I washed my hands yesterday, I realized that I liked the foam soap dispensers that we have much more than the liquid ones that we have, and the reason was quite simple (and, frankly, pathetic): the foam soap is already a lather and requires no effort to feel like I've washed my hands; liquid soap, on the other hand, requires that you scrub your hands together, and heaven forbid I be forced to exert myself in any way in the name of proper hygiene.

Anybody find themselves in a similar, if not the same, Lazy Camp as me? Please share so I'm not stuck on my couch eating a bag of Cheetos with my gut exposed whilst it hangs over my sweatpants all by myself. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Stranded -- Photo of the Week 7 Feb 2011

2011-02-07T10:35:00.000-05:00

So, there have been some snowstorms sweeping the nation as of late. I was most impressed by this photo:


(Source: E. Jason Wambsgans, Chicago Tribune)

We had a pretty bad storm out in the DC area a week and a half ago that absolutely crippled traffic around here. Work the morning after was like listening to a bunch of war stories: "It took me 7 hours to get home..." "...It took me 11 hours to get home." "I had to abandon my car and walk the three miles home..." "...I had to cannibalize my rugby teammates in order to survive" etc etc. It was stunning how much the roadways shut down around here; my commute home made me feel both lucky and a slight tinge of survivors' remorse (it only took me 45 minutes). But really, I think it was just the Man upstairs looking out for me -- knowing my impatience with traffic, if I were stuck for that long, I probably would have become very, very angry.

Happy Monday to you, folks. And if you're wondering, I still have not bought a snowshovel.

Weekly Selects #46

2011-02-03T10:23:00.000-05:00

--Via Email from Sister Jen, an article for all the vegetarians:

my kind of gateway drug (click here for article)

The esteem in which bacon is held can grow no larger, as apparently it serves as the gateway meat through which vegetarians transform from being conscientious abstainers to maniacally tracking, killing, and skinning their own meat and then eating it raw (all of this done, of course, with blood-shot eyes and a frothing mouth).

Why Xena? I have no idea. It was the best picture I could find.

--Via Email from Josh M:

And I thought the Japanese were nuts...

Yes, there is a restaurant in Taiwan that is toilet-themed. What do I mean by toilet-themed? Here's an excerpt:

In the beginning, we mainly sold ice cream – a big pile of chocolate ice cream sold in containers shaped like a squat toilet.

It is really quite disgusting, actually, and I hope that when China invades Taiwan they launch at least 20 of the 20,000 short-range missiles that they have aimed at the small island-nation at this restaurant. It's all I ask.

Coincidentally, Kate sent me this very amusing article of the 10 Weirdest Restaurants Around the World. It really is worth checking out.

--Via Email from JMill:

This may be one of my favorite videos of all time

Hopefully it works for you. I don't know why this is so funny, but it is.

--Via IM from Josh M (click here for full article):

A woman who appeared on the American program “My Strange Addiction” shocked audiences when she admitted her bizarre habit of eating sofa stuffing....[and] has eaten a total of seven couches and two chairs.

A psychologist said that the woman may need to find other ways to alleviate stress, which I thought was more than obvious. Some better ways to relieve stress, just off the top of my head: ANYTHING BUT EATING SOFA STUFFING.

Some Football Humor

2011-02-01T10:09:00.001-05:00

In honor of Super Bowl, quite possibly the funniest thing I have seen in a really, really long time. Thanks to Jen for the pass:

So just think about all of that before you get to screamin' and hollerin' about your football game, Steelers and Packers fans.

Irish Politics & Media -- Photo of the Week 30 Jan 2011

2011-01-31T10:06:00.006-05:00

You may have heard -- the Irish were (still are?) up the creek, economically-speaking, and the government used a bailout as their paddle. The media was none too happy about it and expressed their anger thusly.

Now, this is a newspaper headline about politicians that I can get behind.

Speaking of Ireland and financial woes, I am going to share a theory that I call "The Sisters' McD Corollary." (McD = Mrs. RoSA's maiden name) It is something I hypothesized a month or so ago, and which received further supporting evidence this weekend.

See, Mrs. RoSA and her sisters like to travel to foreign countries, and I have noticed the following pattern with their last few trips: Whichever foreign country the Sisters' McD travel to will thereafter experience financial/economic/political ruin.

Here's my proof:
--May 2007 -- Three of the McD sisters visit Iceland. In fall 2008, the Iceland economy collapses.
--August 2008 -- The entire McD clan visits Greece, and one of the sisters returns in July 2009. In spring 2010, the Greek economy collapses.
--May 2010 -- Four of the McD sisters visit Ireland. In fall 2010, the Irish government announces the bailout that spurred the above-pictured headline
--January 2011 -- The youngest of the sisters visits Egypt -- her mere presence single-handedly causes riots against the Egyptian government on the very same day of her arrival.

Admittedly, I haven't really used vigorous statistical analysis to prove my point, but four anecdotes isn't bad. Basically what I'm saying is that the McD sisters, while very sweet and lovely, are the harbingers of economic destruction and/or political instability to countries that they visit. So watch out, Holland. They want to come on a visit to do some genealogical research. Brace yourselves.

Oh, I found this beauty while looking up the Irish bailout info:

Sometimes British Isles English is so much better.

Happy Monday! Pray that the McD Sisters do not pay YOU a visit, lest your home collapse in economic woe.

Weekly Selects #45

2011-01-27T18:50:00.000-05:00

Follow-up from last week's Weekly Selects: A few of you expressed confusion over Zelda's gender. Isn't Zelda the princess, and Link the hero? I was never into the video games that much. Now that you've all expressed doubts, I'm wondering if Zelda is some gender-confused hermaphrodite. VIDEO GAME NERDS: BRING ME INFORMATION

Okay. Let's do this:

--Via Google Reader from Case:

Case called my bluff that I wouldn't post about tattoos. I had to post it. I just had to. But really, I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said...

--Via Google Reader, if you happen to have 10 min to watch some clips from a movie that I can only describe as some sort of hybrid between The Matrix, Quentin Tarantino, and an acid trip gone terribly, terribly wrong.

--Via GChat from White Josh:

In case you aren't adept at deciphering infrared imaging, this is a picture of a bunch of ordinary guys. With a catapult. Launching marijuana across the US-Mexican border. (There is no audio with the video at the link, but it is still worth watching). It's ingenious, really, because it saves on the extra costs of having a drug mule physically transport the drugs across the border. I hope those cost savings are passed on to the customer... or, at the very least, I hope the dealers launch a couple complimentary bags of pork rinds, Doritos, and other such snacks to their clientele. It's just good business.

Ramblings of a 5-Year Old

2011-01-25T11:08:00.000-05:00

Mrs. RoSA and I teach the 5-year olds at church. G is the one boy in the class who consistently comes, and -- perhaps feeling there is an alpha dog feud to be settled -- is constantly threatening me. The first couple of weeks it started out as veiled threats couched in rhetorical questions (all of the below quotes are said with his face six inches from mine, in what I can only surmise is an attempt to stare me down into submission):

G: "Do you have any idea how strong I am?"

G: "Do you have any idea how hard I can punch you?"

G: "Did you know that I'm a billion strong? You can't stop me."

This past Sunday, G cut out the rhetoricals and went straight for the direct threats:

G (hand in karate chop shape): "I can karate [sic] you in half...from head..." (moves hand from my head to my feet as if bisecting me) "...to your toes."

The girls have some one-liners, too. Here's one Mrs. RoSA got from one of them:
Girl (referring to me): "Are you in marriage with him?"
Mrs. RoSA: "Yes."
Girl: "He looks like a Chinese man."
(Mrs. RoSA futilely attempts to explain the difference between China and Japan to a 5-year old)

Oh, the joys.

Photo of the Week -- The "Rising Tide" 24 Jan 2011

2011-01-24T10:10:00.001-05:00

Management here at the Compound likes flyers. A lot. Here is the latest one that I couldn't help but notice (Click to enlargin'):

This is a typical flyer that gets posted around here: ClipArt; lots of highlighting and underlining and bolding so we know what's important; and, of course, the forced metaphor ("Our pet problems are like the tide...they rise and fall"). Yes, yes, Management, that is spot on... the ocean tides -- which have been used in poetry and literature for centuries to symbolize universal human themes like the constancy of nature, the ebbs and flows of prosperity and famine, as well as the futility of man's struggle against the relentlessness of nature -- are the perfect symbol to convey to tenants that when their pet has "an accident" in the common areas, they should clean up after them.

Poorly attempted metaphor aside, I think my real issue with the flyer is the sheer volume of them. I found four of the exact same flyer within a 2-foot radius in our stairwell. I kid you not, and I took a video as proof.

They are all THE EXACT SAME.

I want to buy a pet now, just to break some more rules. Something simple, really -- like a grizzly bear.

Happy Monday to you. Another work week commences...

Weekly Selects #44

2011-01-20T20:47:00.000-05:00

Let's do's us some Weekly Selects:

-Via Email from Matty, who had this to say about a YouTube clip he sent:

This very bizarre Japanese commercial for a Zelda game seemed to be a viable contender for one of your weekly selects.

Well, really, it has been too long since I've had a chance to ponder about the strangeness of my people. It reminds me a little bit of Dungeons & Dragons re-enactments (costumes) and Matt pointed out that it reminded him of the Michael Jackson's Thriller dance (choreography), so there you have the targeted demographic of Nintendo's ad campaign: The maladjusted social outcast losers of D&D... and, the pedophiles (Michael Jackson jokes: too soon?)

(Kudos to Matt, for his first RoSA contribution)

--Via Email from Case:

I blew it didn't I? I can't believe I wasted that chance to be part of the blog. I got to tell you the truth, I got stagefright... I'll never forgive myself, such a big moment and I choked.

Background: I wanted Case to leave me a voicemail that I was then going to post to RoSA for the Seahawks' win last week, but he, as stated above, "blew it." Remember the translator in Saving Private Ryan? The one who totally froze up out of fear during the last battle scene and doesn't help anyone in his unit, and then they pretty much all die? Yeah. That's what Case did here. Instead of clutching his rifle, though, I imagine him clutching his cell phone and rocking himself back & forth under his desk at work.

Thanks for abandoning me, Case.

I am dubbing this The Unleft Voicemail Incident, and I will not forget it.

But I suppose his candidly stated reasons for not coming through are funny enough that he totally redeemed himself. Ironic, really.

--Via Email from Lexi, an article titled "Man Flies Into Rage Over Photo of Saved by the Bell Character":

"[A] man pulled a framed photo of Saved by the Bell character A.C. Slater from the wall and smashed it on the ground..." stating " 'I just don't like Slater.' "

Lexi's comment:

Does it please you or make you afraid that you are the first person I thought of sharing this with after I read it?

I think I'm more confused than pleased or afraid. My honest initial thought: What's a bar in Chicago doing with a picture of Mario Lopez on their wall?

Subsequent thoughts: "Is Lexi sending this to me because she thinks I'm violent and would do something similar? Or does she think I like Saved by the Bell more than the average person? I'm totally confused."

Like I said. Unbridled befuddlement. Welcome to my thoughts, people.

--Lastly, via Facebook from Sister Jen:

On Display In Portland: The Art Of Beautiful Beards

I recommend checking it out. That facial hair is impressive. This was not.

Chapstick Gets Me Out of a Jam

2011-01-18T22:40:00.000-05:00

I have very distinct feelings about each of the four seasons.

Spring and summer were great back in the Pacific NW and at BYU, but ever since I moved back east and have had to endure the adult-onset of allergies during the spring and unbearable humidity during the summer, my valuation of these two seasons has dropped considerably.

I remain a fall and winter guy. Always have been. Probably always will be.

My only problem with winter around here is that with the freezing winds make my face all dry -- it bugs me all day at work because I never think to bring lotion with me. It's just not on my priority list when I'm scrambling to get out the door in the morning (other things, like hygiene, are).

One day at work the dryness was unbearable, but I had no lotion with me. So, I improvised. I took the chapstick on my desk and started putting it on my face.

Unconventional, yes -- but I had no other recourse. And it helped to relieve my irritated skin.

Good thing my chapstick is clear, though. Or else I would have ended up looking like the dude from Twisted Sister:

That's more than enough to make me shudder uncontrollably. And it has nothing to do with how cold it is outside.

Photo of the Week -- The LOST Tattoo 17 Jan 2011

2011-01-17T21:08:00.000-05:00

I SWEAR this will be the last time I blog a tattoo*-- I realize this makes three weeks in a row and you are screaming for variety... but really, PotW was primarily meant to zero in on the humorous and dumb things that people do, and nothing says "lapse in good judgment" than a poorly chosen/placed tattoo. Also, it's a holiday, and I'm feeling lazy and this was the closest thing available.

Additionally, this will be the last time 'LOST' is mentioned, as well, as I thought I had already bid the show farewell last year:

I hope 40 years from now this person grows old and gathers the grandchildren at their feet:

Old Person With LOST Tattoo: "Children, gather around, gather around!"
/young children gather around expectantly/
"Let me tell you about a show I loved as young teenager, LOST. It rulzed [sic]! It was about a plane that, uh...uh, it was about..."
/checks arm tattoo/
"...oh, yes! About a plane that crashes on a tropical island. And uh...ummm..."
/checks arm tattoo again/
"...and two guys! And one fires a gun at the other. The end."
/children leave disappointed; Old person is smiling in a self-satisfied manner/
"Good thing I got this tattoo."

*I'm probably lying right now. As I type.

Goodbye, Christmas Tree

2011-01-14T10:45:00.000-05:00

Well, the BAR Tally sits at 8, as Mrs. RoSA and I moved our Christmas tree out of the apartment at about 11PM the other night, leaving a trail of pine needles and snapped branches in our wake (Mrs RoSA: "A trail of tears"). It wouldn't be hard for security to track down the culprits -- the trail is easily traceable back to our place, much like Hansel & Gretel's bread crumbs.

It was almost sad, taking the tree away. We got him when he was all young and vibrant, but at the end he was all frail and brittle; throwing him away was almost like taking an elderly person you care about to a nursing home, or an old dog to the vet to be put under -- we knew he wasn't going to "a better place" ("They have nice gardens where you can go on walks" "They have sewing classes there!", etc etc), but we wanted to tell him he was, just to make him feel better.

Too bad the reality is that he is probably headed for a wood-chipper somewhere, if he hasn't been run through one already.

Wait, am I on the verge of giving a eulogy for a Christmas tree? Snap out of it, man!

Perhaps the key to avoiding emotional attachment is to go artificial next year (yes, I believe this one is made of beer bottles)

Weekly Selects #43

2011-01-13T10:52:00.000-05:00

Why do the weeks go by so quickly...Let's do this:

-On Google Chat Status, from high school friends Jay Z and Boyer, regarding the colossal upset that was the Seahawks beating the Saints in the first round of the NFL Playoffs:

BEAST MODE

and then I found this photo here:

Marshawn Lynch pulls off the rare "backwards leap into the endzone with hand on jock" move

Well, as a WA State native, good on the Seahawks for being one of three teams (the '82 Lions and Browns -- pretty bad company right there) in NFL history with a losing record to make the playoffs and then go on to beat the defending champs. It is the team of my childhood, so this made me happy.

It's unfortunate, however, that watching the NFC West this year was like watching four members of the chess club get into a fistfight: their scrawny and lanky arms flailing ineffectually in futile attempts to land punches; hair getting pulled; eyes getting gouged; and finally having one of them emerge victorious simply because he wasn't as exhausted as the other three. Now that I think about it, though, I think the chess club fight would have been much more entertaining to watch than this division's 2010 season.

--Via Google Reader Share:

Calvin and Hobbes/Fight Club mashup

I felt this was pretty brilliant; I love Calvin and Hobbes. And my favorite line from Fight Club is still when Brad Pitt is getting up from his seat on the plane and says as he's passing by Ed Norton, who has the aisle seat: "Now, a question of etiquette -- as I pass, do I give you the a**, or the crotch?"

It's a good question.

--Via Google Reader, an article about real-life vigilante crime-fighters:

The dude's crimefighting name is Phoenix Jones. He is part of the "Rain City Superhero Movement." Along with a desire to fight crime, he has a skin-tight armored suit, a taser, and an extensive Batman action figure collection that he plays with every night in his parents' basement (that last one is speculation on my part).

I just keep hearing the exchange from the beginning of The Dark Knight:
Batman Impersonator: "What gives you the right? What's the difference between you and me?"
Batman: "I'm not wearing hockey pads."

But hey. More power to Phoenix and The Justice League.

Giving Thanks

2011-01-11T10:37:00.001-05:00

Sometimes when people are filled with a sense of gratitude, they say "I want to thank (so and so), but I have no idea how to."

I feel that way right now, but my inability to express myself is not because I'm overcome with emotion or because I'm teary-eyed.

Take this mighty toaster oven, for example:

It is, as Gimli declared, "a kingly gift," but I have no idea how to thank the person who gave us this because I have no idea who gave it to us. It came with a card, but there was no signature on it, and as I am no graphologist, nor am I a voodoo diviner, I don't know who gave it to us.

So here's the best I can do, via the blog: Thank you, Anonymous Benefactor, for your gift. In addition to obvious functionality, it has apparently helped us maintain our already hipster lifestyles by serving in lieu of, in some ways, a microwave. (Apparently not having a microwave is part of being hipster -- who can keep track of this stuff? Not having a microwave, of course, must be accompanied by greasy hair, tight jeans, and a healthy sense of superiority.)*

*Having anything in common with hipsters is such a scary prospect that I am currently shopping for a microwave on Amazon. Perhaps I should purchase two, just so there are no misunderstandings.

While I'm thanking random anonymous folks, I'd like to thank whoever leaves the sports section of The Washington Post in the bathroom stall every morning at work. Your consistency in this department has greatly benefited my mornings.

Photo of the Week -- The Twilight Tattoo 10 Jan 2011

2011-01-10T10:10:00.013-05:00

You know, I should really just make PotW "Horrible Tattoos"-centric. There would be no shortage of material, as there is no shortage of stupid people willing to ink themselves in an unflattering fashion. I presented a pretty horrible cat tattoo to you a while ago that I thought would never be topped, but perhaps this one could give it a run for its money:

Oh, the horror.

A 49-year old fan of the Twilight series got this full back tattoo inked because, well... she is as addicted as teenage girls are. Which is a greater test of perseverance and endurance, though: The 22 hours she spent in the tattoo artist's chair, or the hours she spent enduring these cringe-worthy books and movies? Toss-up.

I do have to give the tattoo artist some credit, though. If I were a tattoo artist and someone came in and said "I want the entire Twilight series tattooed on my back," I would have tattooed on four elephant-sized piles of poop and called it good.

Some key quotes from the article:

She plans to save £2,000 more to spend another 12 hours under the needle as she eclipses her whole torso with the gothic tribute...
...'I love Robert Pattinson. I want to tone up so I can get his character Edward Cullen on my stomach.'

For. Shame.

Happy Monday, people. Think long and hard before you go and get tattoos...

Of Sickness and Death

2011-01-06T22:11:00.001-05:00

It has been an interesting three weeks featuring all kinds of run-ins with sickness and death.

So there I was a few weeks ago, racked with unrelenting stomach pain for three hours straight, essentially dying of death. This landed me in the ER for a late night visit and a groundbreaking diagnosis: "stomach pain." Thank you, modern medicine. That would have been an informative diagnosis had it not been the exact thing I told you I had when I checked in. A parrot -- or my nieces, when they get in one of those moods where they repeat everything I say -- could have properly diagnosed me under those terms.

I suppose the one positive outcome of going to the ER was that I did get a nice, healthy dose of morphine, which I'm pretty sure is the greatest invention since the printing press (replacing the Snuggie, of course. Coincidentally, both Snuggies and morphine make you all warm). By the next morning, the mystery illness was gone, and I triumphantly declared in an opiate-hazed delirium something along the lines of "Death wanted to play chicken with me, and Death blinked."

Mrs. RoSA: "Yes, dear. Death came knocking at your door, and you slammed the door right in his face."

(These metaphors portraying my active and aggressive triumph over the Grim Reaper are actually to cover up what really took place that night: Me passively and resignedly doubled-over in the fetal position, body spasming, pleading for the sweet, sweet relief of painkillers or the surgical removal of my stomach and both sets of intestines)

I recovered within a few days. As my immune system limped its way to my sister's house for Christmas, however, neither I nor my family had any idea what lay ahead of us. The scariest incident was a grandchild having a finger almost severed in a slammed door, which required attachment at the hospital. But that wasn't the end of it... no, perhaps it was merely an omen of the coming doom that awaited us...

A plague that I can only surmise was the 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse, or some manifestation of the angel of death (perhaps we forgot to put that lamb's blood above the doorpost?), smote the household over the Christmas holiday, leading my brother-in-law Ben to declare 2010 to be "the Christmas of Vomit."

The plague waged war by first manifesting itself via the oldest grandchild, who woke up in the middle of the night (perfectly normal -- I do it all the time to pee), crawled into bed with grandpa and grandma (tender), and proceeded to vomit on the latter (perhaps not so normal). This was merely the first volley fired by the illness. Eventually, we were pretty much all toppled by the disease throughout the week, one by one -- pick your domino effect/chain reaction analogy, really, and it illustrates what happened. I'm personally going to go with the Pie-eating contest scene in Stand By Me, where the first contestant vomits, which causes another contestant to vomit, and then the audience to vomit, etc -- Only time-lapse the scene so it lasts over four or five days. This is basically what happened.

By day two most of us knew, deep down, the undeniable and inescapable truth: It was just a matter of time before we were sick. The resignation in the air was palpable. It felled most of the grandchildren with vomiting and most of the adults with flu aches and lack of appetite.

But we all survived. And aside from the whole health thing, it was a great holiday. Family time. Kids opening presents. Kids running around and sassing adults. Good food. True Grit. Ben trapping five mice in a single night (It was like watching some combination of the Predator and Bear Grylls practice their trade. Awe-inspiring). Some Call of Duty on PS3.

Mrs. RoSA (walking into the TV room and seeing me playing Call of Duty): "Oh-- well isn't it encouraging to find my husband engaged in bloodsport once again."

Weekly Selects #42

2011-01-06T19:40:00.000-05:00

Not much came in this week. You gotta step up your game and help me out here, people! And holiday hangovers are no excuse. Let's do this:

--Via Google Reader, a pretty hilarious video:

I don't know why this is so funny to me...

--Via Google Chat, from White Josh:

"just got cropdusted by a really old professor"

Poor, poor Josh.

For all of you people not familiar with the term "cropdusting", UrbanDictionary.com has the following: "Farting, silently, as you walk by someone you either want to move out of the way or leave. Only works in crowded areas where you can't be discovered as the farter."

I'm guessing the professor's version was just as toxic...

Photo(s) of the Week -- The Sticker & The Ashtray 3 Jan 2011

2011-01-03T10:43:00.000-05:00

For all of its rules, this is one of the Compound's that I can actually get behind:

This is the sticker outside of the sloth-like elevator in our building that measures a paltry 3'x4', which you have to have a special key to use, and which you MUST use to move in all of your furniture (moving in, of course, is made exceedingly difficult if you happen to have any furniture that is larger than the aforementioned 3' and 4' dimensions). These are Ridiculous Rules #36 and 72, respectively.

The only problem is, you look a little below this sign, and behold the laziness of the Compound:

A golden ashtray, a relic from what I'm assuming is the 1970s. Methinks it would have been a smarter solution to remove the ashtray from the wall than to slap a cheap sticker on it...their current approach is like telling a bank robber: "don't rob banks... but if you just happen to, I have a Swiss bank account you can store the stolen money in for undetectable safe-keeping." But what do I know about running an apartment complex?

PS: the Broken Association Rules (BAR) Tally sits at 7, thanks to us moving some bookshelves in at 11PM a couple weeks ago. You should have seen us stealthily scrambling between the truck and the elevator like thieves in the night.

Happy Monday! Hope you had a Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year.

Weekly Selects #41

2010-12-30T14:37:00.000-05:00

Things were at a minimum this week, as most people were on vacation, so it looks like it is the Weekly Select this week.

--Via Google Reader Share:

NBA player Chris "The Birdman" Anderson.

New Year's Resolution: Renew and deepen resolve to never get a neck tattoo. Ever. I think that's really all that needs to happen in 2011 in order for me to consider it a success.

Photo of the Week -- Traveling 27 Dec 2010

2010-12-27T09:39:00.000-05:00

4:45AM wake-up. SeaTac Airport. And I feel like passing out like this dude next to me. Though perhaps I would not be wearing the powder blue sweatshirt or the skinny jeans. And I would be drooling on myself.

(I guess I shouldn't be complaining, as I am really just traveling on my way to more vacation...just can't sleep on planes...)

Happy Monday, all. Hope you have another nice short week.

Weekly Selects #40

2010-12-23T13:43:00.000-05:00

Christmas coming up, so let's do this:

--Via Gchat from Ben:

Holy cow. We had corndogs yesterday. They were AWESOME
You are so lucky that we gave you such an awesome wedding present...
You see. Every corndog you have ever had has been budget dog and batter

Exhibit A

Ben, of course, is a frequenter and skulker of woot.com, a website that sells items for cheap because most people do not want them. This is where he stumbled upon (hunted for? waited expectantly for?) the Corndog Maker (see Exhibit A), a device I didn't even know existed. Admittedly, I love corndogs, but their true value has always been in the fact that you never have to actually prepare or make them -- they always come frozen. So while I may have never considered owning one, it looks like I will be putting the Corndog Maker to use for years to come.

--Via Google Reader, a news article about another Samurai Sword attack:

a man was inside his home when he became upset that headlights from a car on the street were shining into his bedroom. That's when police say he got into a fight with the man in the car.

The man from the house eventually picked up a wooden club and then investigators say that's when the man from the car pulled out a samurai sword.

What??

According to detectives, in the middle of the fight, the man with the sword sliced off three fingers from the man with the club.

Police say that the man was sent to an Indianapolis hospital to reattach his fingers...

Police are still hoping to talk to more witnesses and get a clearer picture of exactly what happened.

I'm nowhere close to where this happened, but I can paint a pretty clear picture for the Police: Samurai sword trumps wooden club every time, son.

This sounds like a scene out of Highlander or something. Can't you see the guy with the sword, silhouetted by the car's headlights and issuing some challenge? This only makes me more curious about the number of people roaming around with samurai swords. I fear I'm missing out on some trend.

--Via Email from JMill:

That was Tasmanian Devil-like. I guess that's what happens when you try to run hurdles that are taller than you. (Burn on the Chinese dude)

The Nation's Worst?

2010-12-21T12:44:00.006-05:00

If you're from the DC Metro area, seeing a Maryland license plate should reflexively fill you with some mixture of hostility, frustration, and most importantly, that old familiar sensation of overwhelming and uncontrollable road rage. This is inextricably programmed into my autonomic nervous system. MD drivers are the absolute worst. I guess I can't rightfully assert that all bad drivers are from Maryland, but I CAN tell you that every car that I've seen bearing a Maryland license plate contains a bad driver.

Just something I was thinking about the other day as I got cut off -- once again -- by a Maryland driver.

Photo(s) of the Week -- Blaming "Them" 20 Dec 2010

2010-12-20T10:00:00.000-05:00

Well, I went and supported Mrs. RoSA and some friends at a combined 5K/10K run this past Saturday called "The Christmas Caper." (We're all familiar with the reason I don't run anymore.) It was early, it was cold, and it was icy on the running path -- which, fortunately for my half-frozen self, made for an amusing experience when compared to other running events that I have spectated.

Ben H ran the 10K in a full Santa outfit. I personally like this one, which shows off the Santa Mullet in all its glory, flowing in the wind.

As awesome as this was, the more entertaining and/or confounding spectacle was this creepy guy, who stood, unmoving and sentinel for at least 25 minutes, about 50 yards from the start line, with an enigmatic shirt:

"They" are such convenient scapegoats for everything, aren't they? "They failed to forecast rain, so I didn't bring an umbrella to work today and now I'm soaked." "They are doing nothing but advancing the left- / right-wing agenda." "They climbin' in your windows, snatchin' yo' people up, tryin' to rape 'em, so ya'll need to hide yo' kids, hide yo' wives,...and hide yo' husbands."

Awesome. Happy Monday and an upcoming Merry Christmas to you. Enjoy your week.

The Compound: Big Brother is Watching

2010-12-17T11:31:00.002-05:00

So, Mrs. RoSA and I have a new apartment, which, of course, required moving into. (And more epic battles with the Swedes of IKEA. But more on that at a later time.)

As far as my list of "I like" activities, I think "moving houses" ranks somewhere between "being dragged to the bottom of a pond in the jaws of an alligator"* and "camping out to watch a Twilight movie opening night, surrounded by screaming teenage girls." Yup. It is a long, torturous process that requires manual labor -- something my callous-less, gentrified hands are not used to; and, quite frankly, something I look down upon.

*I watched entirely too much late-night Animal Planet at college.

We now live in a nicely landscaped, overly-secure, and regulation-heavy gated community that is inhabited by what I suspect are mostly old people (I say "I suspect" because I've hardly seen anyone actually wandering the hallways. They're all shut in their apartments watching "Murder She Wrote" reruns. Or possibly dead). I know that these apartments were very nice -- perhaps even elite -- at one point, as their front office has award plaques for "Best Community Association" for Northern Virginia; however, because the last award they received was from the early 90s, it kind of makes it feel like The Compound is the Uncle Rico of apartment complexes: desperately grasping on to past glory and taping itself clumsily throwing footballs. This is all a metaphor.

Anyway, the aged population, combined with the excess of security gates and security guards -- who are nice guys, but who are on constant patrol as if we were at war with the neighboring apartment complex -- make the apartment complex feel like a cross between an assisted living center and secure government facility.** These atmospherics are why I've begun referring to our complex as The Compound.

**Seinfeld standup referring to retirement communities in Florida: "I don't get these minimum security prisons. Are old people trying to escape? Are people stealing old people?"

The Compound adheres to the concept of "the Rule of Law" and order, which I am down with in principle, but they have taken it to an oppressive extreme. When I signed the paperwork to move in, they gave me a handbook of the association's rules, which are so many (the thing is thicker than some of the phone books that Shigeko used to fashion a makeshift booster seat for her car) and encompass every aspect of everyone's life ("No hammering after 5 PM or on weekends or holidays" <-- I kid you not, this is an actual rule) that I am probably unwittingly breaking some association bylaw by charging my iPod in my computer right now.

Sometimes I think to myself: "So this is what it was like to live in East Germany with the stasi..." The difference, of course, being that the stasi weren't waiting to kick down your door because you dropped your garbage in the trash chute between the hours of 10PM and 7AM. I mean, the association officials tell me all these rules are for our own protection, but doesn't that ominously sound like the type of rhetoric that totalitarian regimes use to placate the masses while they slowly take away their freedom?

The dormant iconoclasts in both of us now want to purposefully break as many rules as possible so we can be the rebellious young couple who all the old people wish they could be. Nothing radical, mind you. Just the standard guerilla tactics, e.g. not parking in designated spots, not sorting our recycling, capsizing cars and errantly tossing a molotov cocktail or two, etc. The funny/sad thing is that, no matter how many rules we purposefully break, we will always end up breaking more rules just out of ignorance. Or, as Mrs. RoSA just observed: "We're rebels without a clue." Our Broken Association Rules (BAR) Tally sits at a healthy and subversive 6. (That we are aware of.) Will keep you all updated as we continue to raise our fist and resist against Big Brother.

A Note From the Mrs:
By way of introduction, if any of you are wondering if I married Mr. RoSA just so I could get the chance to be a guest writer on his blog, you are wrong. I married him to be the beneficiary on his life insurance policy, what else?

I do not think we are cut out for life in the Compound. Spiky gates at the periphery and speed bumps every twenty feet; floral wallpaper and sickly sweet aerosol air fresheners in the hallway; invisible neighbors who are either too old to move or up to no good; one neighbor (either a bouncer or a chronic clubber) who leaves a potent trail of perfumed stench through the entire stairwell when he descends every night around 10pm; and ever vigilant security guards.

One of what I'm sure will be many experiences with the security guards occurred the day our couch got delivered. I met Ryan, the slow-talking, gap-toothed, smooth-faced young security guard when I burst into the front stairwell, broom and dustbin in hand, after the deliverymen had managed to get the couch wedged and break the hall light into a million pieces. There was our monolithic couch, hamstrung over the railing, and there were the small but remarkably agile deliverymen, slithering under the couch on broken glass, trying to extract overstuffed pillows. And there was Ryan--looming, watchful, considering. He turned his discerning gaze towards me and immediately launched into a phlegmatic recitation of my infractions:

"You've already broken three rules. [1] Their truck is parked out front, and they're blocking in about 4 cars. Delivery trucks can never be parked in the front of the building. [2] Deliveries can never be made through the front lobby or front stairwell. [3] All deliveries must be made using the elevator in the downstairs garage."

I chose abject humility as the best way to get out of this scrape. I claimed ignorance, apologized, offered to pay for the light, promised him my firstborn child, etc. He muttered a bit as he deliberated: "Have to assess the damage . . . write a report . . . she didn't know . . . not really her fault . . ."

Well, Ryan will get cookies this Christmas from two Compound rebels who appreciate his magnanimous, roguish, kindred spirit: "Just get them out of here really quick. And don't worry about the light. We have tons of extras."

I guess the point of this entire entry, with anecdotal support from Mrs. RoSA, is that we really don't fit in here at The Compound.

Weekly Selects #39

2010-12-16T10:10:00.000-05:00

You might have noticed that I used to do the "DC (Digital Correspondence) Highlights for the Week" every Thursday, posting the funny stuff that people send me via digital media (text, IM, email, etc) throughout the week. You also might have noticed that "digital correspondence" is an incredibly unwieldy phrase -- "correspondence" has like, A LOT of syllables -- and I got sick of explaining to people that "DC Highlights" had nothing to do with what happened the past week in the Washington DC area.

So now we're going to go with "Weekly Selects." Okay? Okay. Let's do this:

--Via Google Reader. From AP:

Wis. Postal Worker Delivers Mail In The Buff
"A Wisconsin postal carrier says he simply wanted to cheer up a woman on his mail rounds who seemed 'stressed out.' But, upon further review, the postal worker says delivering the mail in the nude probably wasn’t such a good idea.

"A police report says the 52-year-old man told the woman he would deliver the mail to her office in Whitefish Bay completely naked to make her laugh. He says the woman dared him to do it, so he took the dare Dec. 4 and brought the mail wearing only a smile."

I considered making this Photo of the Week, but decided to spare you the trauma and emotional scarring. That, and I don't actually have a photo of it (thank goodness). But we can assume that the naked Wisconsonian (Wisconsinite?) delivering mail on that fateful day was a pale-skinned, overweight white man who subsists on an exclusive diet of beer, bratwurst, cheese, Packers' football, and beer.

Who says stereotypes don't work?

--Via IM from JMill:

I think the key takeaway here is obvious: Ladies, never fall in love with a British soccer fan/hooligan.

I thought all that ardent intensity that they put into their teams and fighting riot police ended when the soccer matches did -- but that was obviously naive on my part. It is also present when singing romantic love songs, so is likely present in other aspects of their lives. Can you imagine picking out curtains for your house, or going through the fast food drive-thru, or any sort of everyday activity with guys that have this kind of intensity? You would live in fear your entire life. The second guy with the shaved head is the scariest. Although, to his credit, he does rock a nice harmony.

--Via Email from my coworker CC:

This is creeptastic. Watching this woman stroke her hands and stare at them -- and then get on an elevator with them (00:50-mark) is like watching a stalker talk about his current victim. It gives me the heebie jeebies.

I always laughed so hard during the "Seinfeld" episode when George becomes a hand model because it seemed so outlandish and unrealistic. I guess assuming that these type of people don't exist was, once again, naive on my part. And I've never been so sad to be proven wrong.

Photo of the Week -- Sundance Film Festival, Anyone? 13 Dec 2010

2010-12-13T07:27:00.000-05:00

And so, PotW returns...

You may think that that's the Beastie Boys from the 80's, but you'd be wrong.

This is a screen shot from a new short film directed by BB MCA called Fight for Your Right Revisited, which follows the 'Boys after they 'leave' the party at which the "Fight for Your Right" music video takes place, and will premiere at the Sundance Film Festival in 2011. Those three guys are actually, l. to r., Seth Rogen, Elijah Wood, and Danny McBride (for some reason, a hobbit playing AdRock and two dudes that usually only star in idiotic stoner movies playing Mike D and MCA is really, really funny to me)

Here's a screen shot from the original video, just for comparison:

(According to casting reports, Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, and Jack Black are in it, too. Anybody down for a trip to Sundance?)

This is a sequel I actually support -- Unlike something like, say, The Fantastic Four sequel, or Weekend at Bernie's II. Yes. That movie actually exists.

Happy Monday to you!

Et tu, Elise?

2010-12-10T10:15:00.003-05:00

Having the physical features that I do makes me no stranger to being on the receiving end of mistaken identity (Panera Employee: "You're the [Asian] guy who just ordered the coffee, right?" Me: "No. I'm the [Asian] guy about to order a bagel, though.") and mistaken ethnicity ("Can't you read 'dem Chineez pictures?").

And who can blame people, really... I mean, it's a common enough occurrence that websites like AllLookSame.com and its "Exam Room" exist, right? East Asians all kind of do look the same, and we all get a Discernment FAIL -- myself included -- when asked to say who is Japanese, who is Korean, or who is Chinese.

I've learned not to get upset about it or take it personally, for the intent to offend is not there, and I don't personally know any of the people. Most of the time I just wryly smile and chuckle about it, and make sure to log it away for storytelling purposes, because I might as well have my friends laugh about it.

Another case of mistaken identity struck about a month ago. Only this time it came from someone I knew. All of my family was in town and at the mall. I was out picking up a friend from the airport. When we all met back up, Papa D had a story to share:

"So we're all at the mall with the kids. Elise [my niece] then walks up to a young, Asian man with gelled hair, and glasses with frames shaped like yours..."

...oh, no. She didn't...

"...and she just walked right up to him and asks him: 'Are you my Uncle Josh, I think?' And she kept asking him and jabbering away at/with him, and would have continued, had we not pulled her away..."

Like I said, when I'm mistaken for another Asian man or vice versa, I'm usually not offended because I don't know the person. But this was different. I should have felt a sense of betrayal at the hands of one my own, right? Like Caesar with Brutus?: "Et tu, Elise? You mistook a random Asian man for me?"

But then I remembered that my niece is 5-years old, and so I laughed. And laughed. And appreciate that in a random and strange mall, my niece went looking for me.

RoSA Returns

2010-12-06T10:33:00.005-05:00

Goedemorgen. Ik heb teruggegeven.

WHOA. I return from my extended hiatus.

Let's face it -- in a figurative blogging sense, I'm feeling a bit like our Dutch friend, Mr. Rip Van Winkle: Slightly disoriented as I wipe the Blog Slumber from my bleary eyes; my blogging "muscles" are atrophied from sitting idle and have disintegrated into rolls of useless fat; and, as is evident from my greeting, my Dutch still sucks. So getting back into the blogging may require shaking off some rust.

Also, one actual and non-metaphorical thing that Mr. Van Winkle and I both did during our respective hibernations: We grew beards for a little longer than was prudent. See Exhibit A:

Exhibit A

...and, basically, the similarities end there. See, whereas Rip grew an awesome beard during his 20-year slumber, I grew an asymmetrical abomination. Even homeless men looked at me with pity in their starving eyes, thanking the heavens that, although they were without income, food, or lodging -- and possibly hope -- at least they could grow a decent beard.

AM described that "...it was part wolf, part molester, part santa, part amish", but I'm guessing that's just a kind way of saying "fully revolting." Sigh.

So, anything happen with you guys since June? Me? Oh, not a whole lot, really...

I went overseas for a good three months, where I got stranded twice in remote areas in the middle of nowhere and was able to witness the inner workings and daily living of the US Military (the latter basically means eating bad food three meals/day and living in poor housing conditions). It was an adventure.

The Beard in its nascent stages

Immediately after returning to the US, the beard had outlived its stay (see aforementioned homeless men pitying me as a possible reason), and let me tell you, trimming and shaving the thing was EXHAUSTING. The whole epic saga took at least 45 minutes and required the type of physical stamina and resolve that you only see/read about in classics like The Odyssey or Rocky. I unashamedly admit that midway through shaving I took a short break to rest my fatigued arm, and I may or may not have given myself a pep talk in the mirror sometime along the way ("C'mon, man, FOCUS! Don't let the beard beat you" "Pain is nothing. You're better than this!", etc, etc). I collapsed, completely exhausted, at the end of it all.

The two weeks after returning home were complete chaos, but I suppose it was for a good cause, because at the end of it all, I got married, which was all pretty awesome. It was all a blur of dresses and flowers and having my picture taken (ugh), but most importantly, a day spent with my lovely wife (formerly AM and now Mrs. RoSA, who I'm sure you'll hear from from time-to-time), my family, and all of my closest friends throughout the years.* Honeymoon involved flying to London to hang out for a bit, then catching a Transatlantic Crossing from England back to the US. You know, just like the Pilgrims did in the olden days!

*The whiffleball games played at my bachelor party were some of the funniest moments of my life

So yeah. That's been the last bit of the happenings here. Now it's back to normal life, and normal life involves blogging. Like I said, gotta shake the rust off, so bear with me.

PS Apparently this video going viral was the biggest development back in the States whilst I was away? This is brilliant, and I'm proud that -- despite a still-recessed economy and Sarah Palin actually being taken seriously as a political figure by some -- America was able to come up with this:

So run and tell that, homeboy.

Extended Hiatus

2010-06-08T10:06:00.003-04:00

RoSA Readers,

Unfortunately, the time has come -- at least temporarily -- for me to stop blogging.

I will be busy with work for the next four months and will not have the time nor means to blog. Again, the hope is that this is just a hiatus, and not THE END.

Three years and almost 300 posts later, thank you to you, loyal readers: For your suggestions; for your feedback; for taking two minutes out of your frenzied days of ADD-propelled internet surfing to read the posts; for claiming to enjoy what I've written. Most of all, thanks for indulging me in what began as a need-for-catharsis project and morphed into something that taught me how much I love writing. It's been a nice run.

(Writing this, I realize this probably doesn't sadden you as much as it does me... or perhaps Case: "i thought my kid's first words read were going to be from that blog." But hey: No one enjoys writing about and recounting my various moronic deeds more than I do, so I know I'll want to get back to it when things settle down.)

I have no other words to convey my sadness, so I will use this man to express how I feel:

It's like in Empire Strikes Back when Han Solo gets captured and frozen and Chewbacca is distraught and wailing like only a Wookie can. This kind of highly emotional crying would also apply to me during the last episode of LOST; or, whenever I think about David Archuletta and his sweet, crooning voice not winning 'American Idol.' (<-- BLATANT AND SHAMELESS LIE)

So, for the time being, keep me on your RSS feed. We'll continue rambling around Oct-Nov. Until then, enjoy the World Cup, Inception, and whatever else your summer has in store for you.

Peace for now,
JD

Why Do We Have Spoilers, Again? -- Photo of the Week 7 June 2010

2010-06-07T19:02:00.001-04:00

This one came in from K Swiss on his morning drive today:

I took this photo using [my wife's] Blackberry this morning on the way to the Metro. Yeah, this happened in my neighborhood

First of all, nothing screams "bad-ass speed" and "I need a spoiler to stay on the ground I'm so fast" than a '93 Accord with "turbo" placed on the back right of the trunk.

But really, if you're going to the trouble of slaping a piece of wood onto your trunk, wouldn't you want to go with something classier than plywood? Like a nice, dark cherry wood? Maybe put a nice dark stain on their to at least make it appear that your spoiler wasn't just a skateboard ramp for a bunch of teenagers? I don't know. Despite my Asianness, I am no expert on Rice Rocketing a car.

Happy Monday, all.

The Double Down -- Photo(s) of the Week 1 June 2010

2010-06-01T22:44:00.000-04:00

So, I'm assuming you've at least seen, and been disgusted by, the commercials for KFC's Double Down -- the sandwich that was marketed as having "so much meat, there wasn't room for a bun"? It's the two fried pieces of chicken holding together cheese, bacon, and KFC's "special sauce."

Chunk had been talking about giving it a try. So we decided to go for it:

My recommendation: Bring lots of water with you when you try this thing, because I think it contains your weekly value for sodium. I was dehydrated for the entire day following eating this thing. And I only had two bites...

Hope you had a good Memorial Day weekend. Have a good week!

Weekly Selects #38

2010-05-27T18:30:00.007-04:00

I was asked to fill-in for a dodgeball game last night -- my first organized one -- which was surprisingly fun. My two personal memorable takeaways: (1) The dude on the other team who was pointing people off the court that he had hit, and who also gave me the "come and get some" wave of his hand when it was just me and him left; (2) The Asian-dominated team we were playing thought I was on their team. Oh, good times. And yes, my arm is sore.

Your videos, and then your Highlights:

Videos:
-An Ian McKellen impersonator doing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air intro
-NASA How to Poop in Space Tutorial (a little long, but no wonder they cut the shuttle program)
-Watch me run 300 yards of my marathon (not really all that exciting, but you can hear Casey narrate and Shigeko laugh merrily. Thanks, Jay!)
-Stupidest commercial EVER (and the song is stuck in my head. I hate whoever made this commercial.)

-Via Email from Casey, who sent a strange article about people in Japan (sigh) whose job is to break-up couples instead of matching them up:

Have an ex that won’t go away? If you live in Japan, you can call on a wakaresase-ya or "splitter-upper": "The function of the wakaresase-ya is the direct opposite of a dating agency: with great ingenuity, and the right fee, they will prise apart human relationships." For example, these professionals will trick a spouse or undesirable future daughter-in-law into committing an affair, and provide photographic evidence of the indiscretion. "We produce a drama at the request of our clients," says Osamu Tomiya, a splitter-upper.

I apologize on behalf of Japan.

As sad as this is, and as much as I think that reality TV is ruining ~~television~~ society, these type of guys has the makings of a successful reality show. Some sort of cross between "Rock of Love," "Dog: The Bounty Hunter," and "Survivor." It has manipulation, drama, scandal, and tumultuous relationships -- all key factors in melting American brains into a soupy mass of stupid-reality-show-addicted gruel.*

*(In the interests of full disclosure, I was flipping through channels a couple months back and came across "Jersey Shore"...and was so mesmerized by the Guido World and it's complete deviation from everything I've known to be normal, that I watched for three hours. I just couldn't turn away)

-Via GChat from JMill:

we should go on a high dining experience in NYC

Marijuana-inspired food -- not meaning "special brownies" or anything like that, but meaning food whose creation was inspired whilst under the influence.

Something tells me that the key ingredients to most of these recipes will be Funyuns, Doritos, and pork rinds. Maybe some Oreos.

-Via Email from White Josh:

After seeing this picture, I can't tell what the Japanese would be most concerned about. The fact that the base is staying in Okinawa, or what this guy wears out in public! wow

Oh, Prime Minister Hatoyama.

I was more concerned about Hatoyama and his party taking power last year from the Liberal Democratic Party -- a political party that was pretty much in power for 50+ years straight -- and whether his administration would have the cajones to battle entrenched bureaucrats, endemic and pervasive governmental corruption, and Japan's aging society.

But now I'm more concerned about his fashion sense.

-Via Email from Banker, who just got in to a prestigious university in Europe for a postgrad program. In celebration, Josh M got him a gag gift of an Indian dreamcatcher, which Banker mocked. This email came in a couple of weeks later with attachment:

this thing must have brought me luck, as I hung it up last night, and this morning I wake to have an email from *university name* saying that one who was awarded the scholarship declined, and since I was the runner up, guess who gets it?!
(see below)
so thank you for the dream catcher, as it certainly caught something.
(I'll never make fun of these again)

Lesson: NEVER QUESTION THE POWER OF THE DREAMCATCHER.

I Love the Irish -- Photo of the Week 24 May 2010

2010-05-24T22:42:00.000-04:00

The LOST finale was satisfactory.

AM went gallivanting about the Emerald Isle for about 10 days, and came back with this one:

Could there be a better name for pub/venue? No...no, there couldn't.

Happy Monday-- get ready for your Memorial Day weekend...

Goodbye, LOST

2010-05-21T10:16:00.002-04:00

The TV show LOST, which is coming to an end this Sunday, has been called a lot of things over its six-year run: "Gripping," "stupid," "addicting," "a television phenomenon" (<-- after years of hearing this I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS), and on and on.

As I reflect on my six seasons as a LOST watcher -- and I have thought about it a lot -- I would like to add a descriptor of my own: Abusive.

(For all you non-watchers: Hopefully this post serves as an insight into that cryptic show your coworkers incessantly talk about. At the very least, take comfort in the fact that you live healthy and unfettered lives, free from the all-consuming need to figure out the mysteries of LOST)

Don't get me wrong. LOST is a great show in so many ways: Its first season is one of the greatest seasons of television ever; it is some sort of successful drama-scifi-suspense hybrid; it has great characters; and it has good mysteries. But the mysteries are also where the problem lies. The show continually raises more questions than it answers, and this leads to fans having lives that are dominated by rampant speculation, outlandish theories and a list of unanswered questions.

Let's put it this way. LOST watchers are the victims in an abusive, one-sided relationship that leaves them unfulfilled on a weekly basis -- and LOST is the abuser. The show asks for the commitment of its watchers but rewards them sparsely with answers.

LOST is like the boyfriend who comes home with blood on his shirt and hands and a manic look in his eyes, and when asked: "Whose blood is that??" Responds with an aloof: "Nothing," and then adds: "Where's the shovel? Can you get me the extra strength garbage bags? Do you know our lawyer's phone number?" It always answers questions with more questions.**

**(An analogy for the men, just so you don't feel left out: The show is like the girlfriend who gets dolled up to go out and asks to borrow all of the money in your wallet, then comes back drunk at 4am with no money, tousled hair, smeared lipstick, and hickies all over her neck. When asked "Where were you??" she angrily responds with: "Where was I?? Where were you? What were you doing all night?...Now, where do you keep the rest of our cash?")

But within these unhealthy relationships, I have found that LOST watchers aren't a homogeneous group. There are different types of ~~abuse victims~~ watchers, and I feel they deserve to be recognized for the unique ways in which they watch and experience the show. Here we go:

--Ignorantly Enthusiastic - "If I just keep freshly squeezing his orange juice, keep walking his dog for him, and keep detailing his car, he'll come around." You know the type. Their weekly schedules revolve around 9pm on Tuesdays and feel that the more they dedicate themselves to the show it will become more rewarding... but they have no idea that the show treats them like poop. They Google every book that makes a brief cameo on the show, draw flowcharts to track the connections between characters, hop on online message boards to discuss things. It's not a matter of denial -- we'll get to that -- but rather of blind devotion and obliviousness.

--Kicked Puppy Dog - "He may have 'pushed' me down the stairs once, and given me that black eye. But... he still loves me...right?" These people are in denial. Deep-down, past all of their obliviousness, they know LOST will fail them and their hopes for answers. Like a kicked puppy dog, however, they keep coming back for the punishment.

--Resigned - "Hell. I'm not really enjoying myself anymore, but I've come this far. I guess I'll just ride it out." They've resigned themselves to the fact that the show has drug them through a bunch of crap, but now are along for the ride. They are not excited about the show, nor do they have illusions about ever getting excited again, but they hang around just...well, because. I fall into this category. I continue to watch -- simply because "I've come this far."

--Violently Angry -"If the show doesn't answer my list of questions, I am going to hurt someone, or myself." This group of people always gets angry after each show, swearing they'll never watch it again -- but they're back on Tuesday.

Does that sound about right? I think it does.

All of that being said, I will admit, in my resignation, that this final season has been decent. I think the end of the show will be met with some relief, and a sense of freedom. People will look less burdened walking around and will be a little more cheery once it's over.

If Robert Frost had lived in more modern times, he probably would have gotten roped into watching LOST. And he probably would have penned some verse about his own addiction, which would be titled "The Road I Wish I Wouldn't Have Taken (But Now Am Forced To Finish Because I Need To Know What the Smoke Monster Is)."

PS: If you're a fan of the show, check out these movie posters by Gideon Slife -- one for each episode of the show. Pretty cool stuff.

*******

Editorial Note: When I submitted the first draft of this to Ben for review, I received the following response:

It makes little sense. But that is apropos for the subject at hand. I can see how feverish this show is making your thinking.

Just thought you should know that.

Weekly Selects #37

2010-05-20T10:52:00.109-04:00

I get so many new YouTube clips a week that I can't possibly include them all even though I still want to include them. So, before the weekly DC highlights, I'll toss hyperlinks to some of the better videos from the past week, and you guys can decide on which one you like the best.

Alrighty. Let's do this:

Videos:
-Slayer Goes to Church (Think church service meets mosh pit)
-Swagger Wagon (You can't tell me it's not catchy -- should be in contention for a Grammy)
-Will Ferrell Express (Watch Ferrell start a basebrawl and throw beer at other players)
-Sauerkraut Wrestling (You'd better not dive in with any open cuts...could sting)

-Via TXT from DJA:

Quoting the "gentleman"@the nxt window making his transaction@the bank: "& i need 100 singles...thats right...100 singles." yes.

Well, at least someone was having fun over the weekend.

-Via Email from JMill:

the squirrel that died in your wall...

You might recall the squirrel that got stuck in our wall and that I feared would die and would become a ghost Clown-Squirrel and haunt me. But a drunk Clown-Squirrel?? I just wet my pants thinking about it.

But really, I watched this video, felt bad for the squirrel for a split second, then immediately began thinking of the animals that I would like to see drunk (I've already seen a cat high off of dope, so cat doesn't make the list). In no particular order:

Giraffe: Their necks are so disproportionately long already, can you imagine a giraffe feeling like its head is twice as heavy as it normally is, swaying on the end of that neck? You would laugh.
Tree Sloth: It would be like the squirrel trying to climb up the tree, but. much. slower.
Badger, Hippo, Grizzly Bear: I'm just curious to see if they are angry drunks. I think they would be.

Any that you would like to see?

-Via Google Reader, because you know I can't go a DC Highlights without pointing out some strange thing going on over in Japan:

Robot Priest Marries Couple in Japan

Girls always talk about their dream weddings. Somehow I don't think that "Robot priest saying 'Do you take this man to be your wife?' " was part of anyone's scenario. Well, of course, except this Japanese girl's. Oi.

Cherry Blossoms at Sunrise -- Photo(s) of the Week 17 May 2010

2010-05-17T10:56:00.002-04:00

Washington DC takes pride in the cherry blossom trees that Japan gave as gifts back in 1912. (History books tell us it was a gesture to signify the growing relationship between Japan and the US, but I think getting the trees was a last-ditch effort by President Taft to be remembered as "the dude that got us the trees" and not "wait...wasn't that the fat president?")

At any rate, there is about a two-week window in April where the blossoms are in bloom, and this year I dragged AM with me Easter morning so we could catch some sunrise photos down at the Tidal Basin. So sure, I suppose they're over a month old, but I still like them:

This one was taken with a fish-eye lens I borrowed from the man next to me because he basically shouted: "Anybody have a Nikon who wants to take a few shots with a fish-eye lens?" I basically snatched the lens out of his hand before he had finished his sentence, took a few shots, and was immediately filled with a consuming, covetous* Lens Lust (photographers out there know what I'm talking about). I reluctantly returned the lens. But don't think that I didn't start visualizing scenarios -- think Holmes while he's brawling in the latest Sherlock Holmes movie -- about how I could incapacitate the lens-owner and his buddy in four swift blows or less and run away with the lens.**

*(Yup. Guilty of breaking the 10th Commandment)
**(Go ahead and tack on breaking the 8th Commandment, as well)

Anyway. I'll send you off with a Happy Monday and three more that I felt turned out well (which of course you can click on to embiggin'):

Publish Post

Weekly Selects #36

2010-05-13T10:02:00.002-04:00

Sorry 'bout missing last week. Let's do this:

-Via Google Reader, and email from White Josh:

Headline: Biker's corpse propped on motorcycle for three-day wake

So this dude was murdered (sad, and unfortunate), but his last wish was to be propped up on his bike.

Well, this makes me think about a few things, besides the obvious "Huh?" that some of you may have on the tips of your tongues. It got me thinking about what worldly possession I care about enough to be buried with, propped up on/against, or put in my hands in the casket. Root beer? Bacon? A good book? An awesome chrome Barbecue grill? I have no idea.

White Josh chimed in with:

You can prop me up with my racquet and goggles. Yacquetball for lizife.

Yacquetball is a story for another time, but let's just say it was a game we made up at college involving racquetball equipment, eye and/or crotch protection, and caused $800+ damage to the basement of our dorm hall.

-Via Google Reader:

cupcakes flying out of a 120psi cupcake cannon and into people's faces.

I don't know why that's so awesome. But it is.

-Via Email from White Josh, from Williams & Sonoma:

Speaking of BBQ'ing...

Why brand something that you're just going to stuff in your face? Someone needs to explain the relevance of this to me. I mean, yeah, it's cool because it feeds the ego -- I won't deny that seeing 'JD' branded onto a steak would be awesome -- but still...

-Via Email from Case, LOST-inspired Bentos from www.aibento.net:

Inception -- Photo of the Week 10 May 2010

2010-05-10T18:26:00.002-04:00

Behold the latest movie poster for the movie that I'm most excited to see this year: Inception.

In the words of Liz Lemon, I want to go to there.

Sure, I've been excited about other movies that turned out to be overhyped and abysmal failures (see: Wolverine and Terminator: Salvation, the cinematic equivalent of JaMarcus Russell), but I have a good feeling about this one. Here are some reasons why:

One of the current, most solid actors taking the lead role? Check (Leo DiCaprio)
The director for Memento, Batman Begins, The Prestige, AND The Dark Knight? Check (Christopher Nolan...who has said that the movie is "the biggest challenge I've taken on to this point")
Japanese dude and all-around bada** playing the villain? Check (Ken Watanabe. Swoon, ladies. SWOON. He may have some male-pattern baldness and his accent may still be a bit thick, but you know you are gravitating toward his austere, rugged handsomeness right now)
Trailers that don't make much sense and don't give away the best parts of the movie, but are nevertheless enthralling? Check (Folding street blocks, anyone? Uh. Whoa.)
A tagline that vaguely and enigmatically reads "Your Mind Is The Scene of The Crime"? Check (It's also been described variously as sci-fi crime thriller, a corporate espionage thriller, and other such things)
A poster that makes me dizzy just looking at it? Check. (That being said, I am the guy that spins his nieces/nephew in circles and ends up falling down before they do)

Look. I won't guarantee that you will like this movie -- because despite what Case thinks, whether something is likable or not is an opinion, and not an irrefutable fact. I can, however, guarantee a few things: (1) Yes, in typical Nolan fashion it will likely be dark; but (2) It will be gripping, and you will be glued to the edge of your seat; because (3) your head will be spinning to figure out what is going on for the entire two hours; and (4) It will be absolutely original and unique. It may even reach into the "weird" or "strange" category, but aren't we always complaining about formulaic and predictable plots, bland characters and dialogue, and stale movie concepts? This is going to be good.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to it.

Happy Monday, all! I missed DC Highlights last week. I have been busy. And pondering the future of RoSA. But that's neither here nor there.

Mt. Eyjafjallajokull -- Photo of the Week 2 May 2010

2010-05-03T10:05:00.001-04:00

I realize that the huge eruption of Mt. Eyjafjallajokull (yes, somehow the Icelandic people communicate via a language with each other) that took place in Iceland was a few weeks ago, but I still can't get over the pictures that various news agencies and individuals took. You must go here to see some amazing ones. Here's one:

(REUTERS/Lucas Jackson)

Mother Nature is beautiful but destructive, and is often both at the same time...

Happy Monday, all...

Be Prepared (So You Don't Do Something Stupid)

2010-04-30T10:10:00.002-04:00

I think the Boy Scout motto is too simple: "Be prepared."

For what, exactly? Just a little more detail would provide some guidance, like "be prepared for natural disasters" or "be prepared for when you're bit by a rabid dog." For me personally, it should be something along the lines of "be prepared for anything, just so you don't make a STUPID decision" (or, alternately: "be prepared in case a clown hopped up on meth comes at you with a crowbar." Don't tell me it can't happen).

And that's why, even though the Civie is still driving alright, I am preparing ahead of time and shopping for a new car now. I figure that if I do all of my research now I will know what I want to buy -- so that when my car DOES die I won't rush out in a frenzied, impulsive panic, and before I know it I'm driving home missing a kidney and 80% of my liver because I sold them as the down payment on a Bentley I can't afford.

Anyway. I'm hoping to avoid the Bentley-situation, so I've narrowed it down to three cars for very practical reasons:

1) Honda Accord/Civic - Dependability? Good gas mileage? WRONG. We all know that the Accord and Civic are the car models that are the most "Rice Rocketable," and we all know I be wantin to get my Tokyo Drift on on the suburban streets of Northern VA.

2) Toyota Matrix - This is one of the "crossover" vehicles, meaning that it's half-sedan, half-SUV. I need a car I can relate to and feel connected with, and this car understands what it's like to be a "halfie" caught between two worlds. This could be a good match for me.

3) Toyota Prius - I hear what you're thinking: "Yeah, it gets good gas mileage, but what about the massive recalls this year. And the sticky accelerator pedals. It's a death trap, man. Don't do it."

Well, you're probably right on all those accounts, but you're assuming that those would deter me because you forgot HOW HARDCORE I AM. I want this car precisely because it IS dangerous, and because being strapped into a large piece of metal hurtling at high rates of speed, and possibly being unable to control or stop that vehicle, doesn't scare me. I live for it.

(No, but really...I hope Toyota fixed that pedal problem if I end up buying the car.)

You've probably noticed that my list is exclusively Japanese. I'm not called an elitist for nothing.

Anybody have suggestions or advice of their own?

Weekly Selects #35

2010-04-29T10:43:00.003-04:00

Enough small talk. Shall we do this? Let's do this:

-Via IM with Josh M, as we were discussing possible new cars:

Josh M: or you can have people cast votes
Josh M: mine will be for the stretch hummer with the hot tub in the back
Me: figures, man. always using me for my luxurious goods to impress the women
Josh M: well, since you weren't willing to buy me a diamond encrusted grill, i figured this would be a good chance for you to redeem yourself

Yes, Father Time has diagnosed the Civie, and it's not worth the money to fix my air conditioning unit -- so I'm taking Papa Dalton's advice and "run[ning] the thing into the ground" before I get a new one. This of course means that when summer rolls around, my car will be a stuffy, oppressive sauna, and I'm just going to start driving around in a towel.

-Via G-Chat with Ben, after I asked him how he's doing a week after his beloved Denver Broncos had traded three of their draft choices last week in order to draft Tim Tebow:

I passed quickly through denial. Spent quite a lot of time in anger.
I think I have moved onto bargaining.
"maybe they will be ok if they can get a running game going"
"maybe we can work in all three qbs"
"maybe our defense will show up this year"
I feel "depression" setting in rather rapidly.
And "acceptance" will be months or years away.
How are you?

Well, I am actually doing quite well, thank you for asking, Ben.

See, that's the nice thing about not really having an NFL team you have a vested interest in: No team can crush you emotionally when they make inexplicably crazy draft choices; or when they choke consistently during big games; or when they're picked every preseason to "make the playoffs" but always, always end up falling short; or just when they're never any good year after year (see Denver Broncos, Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins, and Buffalo Bills, respectively). I'm telling you: A cool, sociopath-like emotional detachment is the way to go. I can sit back and watch NFL games without having to breathe into a paper bag every time the score gets close.

-Via Email from Jay, who sent an article about the Cub Scouts:

Headline: Cub scouts to offer offer video game playing pin

Durrrr...

As far as getting credit for sitting on your butt and contributing nothing of value to society, this award ranks right up there.

I have to say, though, that the best merit badge I ever worked on in Boy Scouts was my drug-dealing one. A syringe and bottle of pills were the logo. Requirements included "lurk in the shadows for an entire night and avoid detection by local law enforcement authorities," "ruin at least three peoples' lives by getting them addicted to your 'product,' " and "threaten those who haven't paid you yet."

Google Knows All -- Photo of the Week 26 April 2010

2010-04-26T09:42:00.000-04:00

Google has revolutionized our lives in so many ways, but have we thought about the implications of Google knowing EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU? Take this hilarious shot from Street View Google, fittingly captioned "Google knows of your daily torment":

Oh, the poor little boy being pwned by his little sister.

It's interesting, though, that we just kind of accept the omniscience of Google. I mean, everyone's concerned about "Big Brother" government taking over, but what about Google knowing everything you search for, the people you care about the most (Gmail, Gchat), what you shop for, what you read about (Google reader), what your schedule is (calendar), where you travel (Google maps), and that you get beat up by your little sister? Does this not bother anybody?

Anyway...happy Monday, all!

Weekly Selects #34

2010-04-22T21:34:00.001-04:00

Quick Civie update before we get started. I took her in to get fixed with a mechanic who has been fixing cars for local LDS people for what I'm sure has been decades. The mechanic's name is Howard, but I prefer to call him Father Time, because he is quite possibly the oldest mechanic alive. It would not shock me if he started a story with "You know, I remember what I was doing when I found out that McKinley was shot." But Howard's a stud, and knows what he's doing, so I'm hoping for the best.

Okay. Now to this week's highlights:

-Via Google Reader:

Rechristen Yourself with the Wu-Tang Clan Nickname Generator

I know you want to know what my Wu-Tang name is: Misunderstood Demon, son. And I also know that you want to try it yourself. Let me know if you get something you like.

-Via Email from Gina C:

Funny baseball interview: Park Chan-ho, the first Korean to play in Major League Baseball. After a horrible first game of the 2010 season, Park Chan-ho pitched 3 innings of score-less relief in Game 3. Reporters asked him what was the difference. See the interview for his answer...

The funniest part is Park's inability to understand why his teammates are laughing so hard. Someone can correct me if they disagree, but my experience has been that people from east Asian cultures are much more open about discussing toilet-oriented topics.

-Via Email from BreakUpEasy.com:

Subj: JMill has something to tell you: We here at BreakUpEasy.com are sorry to be the ones to tell you that JMill no longer wishes to be with you. Because breaking up with someone can be hard, JMill has decided to use our website to give you this news.

The email expounds on the specific reasons for the breakup.

So they have a break-up websites, now. Huh. What else are cowards going to have the internet do for them in order to avoid confrontation? Beat up the bully at school? Tell the high school band teacher that they're quitting band? Unbelievable.

-Via Email from Drew, a coworker and a huge runner who advocates the "minimalist" approach to running shoes (it gets good around 0:45):

Nike Free Ad

I don't know why this is awesome, but it is. The disclaimer at the end is also a nice touch.

I always answer that if given three wishes by a genie, my first wish would be to be the best breakdancer ever. I think my second may have just become "be a Japanese DJ that mixes with Nike shoes."

The Civie is Causing Some Noise

2010-04-20T22:46:00.000-04:00

I am the proud driver of a 1997 Honda Civic. Besides the rusted tailpipe that dropped out on I-81 back in 2009, she's never given me much trouble. The Civic's nothing fancy, but she's reliable and gets the job done.

During our road trip to North Carolina this weekend, the engine started making crazy noises. It sounds like a cross between an air conditioner and The Smoke Monster on 'LOST', and it is embarrassingly loud when I slow down below 20 mph. My solution to this is to begin perfecting the skill where I pull into a parking lot, immediately shut off the engine, and have just enough momentum to coast quietly into my parking spot of choice. I will do it at work, in my apartment complex, and at the grocery store.

Although no functionality has (noticeably) been affected, I know I'm going to have to take it in to the shop. I guess part of me just hopes that it'll fix itself.

Another part of me hears that Smoke Monster noise and is half-expecting to walk outside one of these mornings and see John Locke in the parking spot instead of my Civic, staring at me with those crazy, intense eyes and holding an 8-inch hunting knife in his hand.

BOOK I KNOW I LOVE -- Photo of the Week 19 April 2010

2010-04-19T10:24:00.001-04:00

I'm a big enough nerd that one of the things I get most excited about is getting a new book.

I just got word that Sara Boo, bless her most thoughtful of hearts, just bought a new book titled: The Big Bento Box of Unuseless Japanese Inventions. I haven't seen it yet, but all I need to know about it is in the title, and I love it already. Here's one featured invention in it I found through Amazon:

The "Forward Backward Glasses." Just in case you have friends who are ninjas that like to sneak up on you from behind. Of course, if this friend is a smart ninja he'll realize that as soon as you put on these glasses, your visibility drastically shrinks from 180 degrees to about six degrees (combined between the two scopes), so sneaking up on you when you are wearing these glasses is actually easier than when you're not wearing them. Unuseless? Counterproductive? All of these words are interchangeable, really.

This book, combined with my Atlas from The Onion, are the only coffeetable books I'll ever need. I'm excited to get my hands on it, and excited to share some of its nuggets of hilarity with you.

Happy Monday, all!

Attempting to Reclaim Past Glory

2010-04-15T18:19:00.000-04:00

You probably remember that over a year ago Josh M and I attempted to grow mustaches, only to find that we were genetically incapable of doing so, and the whole thing quickly spiraled downward into a humiliating debacle.

Anyway, the whole me-with-a-mustache thing was supposed to be buried deep and never mentioned again -- like when Napolean was exiled to Elba. But like Napolean, some things aren't meant to be confined or suppressed, and are destined to reclaim their past glory:

Or not.

Yeah, that's pretty horrible. (Author's note: The stoned, swollen-eyed look is not indicative of a drug addiction, but rather the annoying onset of adult allergies. Damn you, Northern Virginia. And your high oak pollen count)

Two weeks ago, when I realized that I hadn't shaved at all for a few weeks, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to shave everything but the upper-lip, you know? I just wanted to see if any progress had been made in the mustache-growing department. Obviously, there had not; in fact, if anything happened, it was a solid step in the devolving direction. I believe this elicited a "OH MY GOSH JOSH WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" from AM, but don't quote her on that.

Anyway, I saw the below video, and it made me laugh:

For me, I would describe having my mustache as feeling like "wandering through a barren, desert wasteland with no oasis in sight, and only sporadic patches of grass scattered along the way." Or something. Vivid imagery was never my thing.

PS No need to fear, the mustache was "disappeared" shortly after.

Weekly Selects #33

2010-04-15T10:54:00.003-04:00

Now for the Nyquil-fueled edition of the weekly Highlights...

-Via TXT from Case, who took a trip to NYC that I was unfortunately unable to participate in:

Who is missing from this picture?

Well, knowing Case, I'm assuming this was an attempted guilt trip on me, but who knows? Case could be crazy and imagining he has his arm around someone.

-Via Email from JMill, another Japanese video with lots of ripping clothes and fire-breathing:

In my high school film editing class some buddies and I were going to do a Bruce Lee documentary, starring yours truly (who has never taken a martial arts class in his life). The opening scene was going to have a gong sound, me screaming with primal fury, and then my (pre-cut) shirt ripping from my body. Similar to this video, really, 'cept I can assure you that a black speedo was never, ever a remotely considered concept.

(JMill also sent me one or two (a Star Wars rap --If you want to see Darth Vader rap, the fusion of hip hop and Star Wars geek culture is awesome) other videos that are worth checking out if you happen to have the time.)

-Via Email from Nartker:

Mel and I successfully put together a LARGE dresser from Ikea today ...I'm not admitting how many hours it took ,but I thought of u everytime I looked at those ridiculous directions. I'm convinced that convicts in whatever country ikea is from are paid 13 cents an hour to come up with those directions.... It makes sense that there are no written instructions... They can't read or write!

It's the best theory I've heard about Ikea's frustrating assembly instructions so far.

-Via Email from Julie:

kind of gross, kind of cool

from thisisfreakingridiculous.com

That's right. Things made from bacon that shouldn't be, including an AK-47, hats, and bras.

I actually had strong words with Butzie this afternoon because his G-chat status that read "pepperoni is the new bacon." When I challenged him on it, he responded with "I dare you to try the meatball pepperoni footlong from subway and then tell me that bacon is better." We eventually came to an agreement that if the pepperoni sandwich isn't better, I have free license to him with an actual sandwich.

I say we open up the challenge to anyone -- let me know how the pepperoni meatball is, and then we can collectively beat Butzie with subway sandwiches next time we see him.

Teabonics -- Photo of the Week 12 April 2010

2010-04-12T10:28:00.006-04:00

Love 'em or hate 'em, the Tea Party sure knows how to make quality protest signs, as compiled here. One of my favorites from there:

The movement should hire some 4th graders to proofread their signs. This is, as an American, palm-to-forehead-slap worthy. Ugh.

My only vendetta against the Tea Party Movement is not political, but personal. I was trying to get to a museum in DC once when their little "march" shut down the entirety of Pennsylvania Ave. Right where the museum was.

(The one bright spot of this inconvenience was seeing a gangly, awkward-looking teenage boy with an expressionless face holding a sign on a street corner that read: "My Anger is Real." Rage against that machine, my young, acne-faced friend. Rage on).

Happy Monday! I don't know about you, but allergies have virtually incapacitated me. Let's hope I get through the week...

Weekly Selects #32

2010-04-09T10:40:00.003-04:00

Was busy yesterday watching movie plot hole after movie plot hole unfold as undeveloped characters delivered cliched dialogue in a special effects extravaganza; and yet still found myself entertained. Thanks, Clash of the Titans. So here we go a day late with some DC, and I apologize to any readers who are not able to see embedded YouTube clips, as I received a lot of these this past week. Let's do this:

-Via Gchat from Banker:

something for your blog?

Um, yes, please, and THANK YOU. These are all great, but I honestly think Arnold was best in Pumping Iron, mostly because it was a documentary (the key: NO ACTING REQUIRED) and you just got to watch Arnold brag about himself in all of his bulging, symmetrical, Adonis-like physical perfection. In college we called the Blockbuster (back when Netflix hadn't rendered "video stores" obsolete) to ask if they had it:

Us: Hi, do you have Pumping Iron?
Blockbuster Dude: Um. Let me check The movie from 1977?
Us: Yes. That's the one.
Blockbuster Dude: Yes, we have it.
Us: Okay. We'll come get it right now. Actually, could you hold on to it for us? Just to make sure no one grabs it?
Blockbuster Dude: ...Uh, I don't think that's going to be a problem. But sure.

-Via Google Reader share, some selected analogies and metaphors found in high school students' essays. Aspiring writers, TAKE NOTES:

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef

There are just too many good ones here. If you are/know a K-12 teacher, please keep record of these. These are priceless, if not humiliating later in life for the children.

-Via Google Reader share, the best custom pizza I've ever seen:

"I be tossin' and flossin', my style is awesome."

-Via Email from Kate:

I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry

My personal favorite is the sister in the middle seat. The disdainful look of utter disapproval at her parents' insensitivity, coupled with the folded arms, is amazing. If I ever get a look like that from my future daughter I'll probably curl up in a ball and never speak again.

PS I need to kidnap an Asian child.

OPINION: These Online Dating Services Are A Scam

2010-04-06T10:05:00.035-04:00

These Online Dating Services Are A Scam
by Eldon Charles
Convicted Serial Killer

What a crock.

eHarmony.com. Match.com. Meet-an-inmate.com. All of these online dating services are scams designed to get you to invest your money and time into a process that returns no rewards. They prey on the emotionally vulnerable.

See, my life in Ionia Maximum Security Prison, Michigan, is one of mind-numbing repetition and monotony. A goldfish experiences more variety than I do. I spend 23 hours a day in a Hannibal Lecterian restraint mask and straight jacket; the other hour is spent tormenting brilliant but vulnerable FBI agents who are trying to find serial killers a la Silence of the Lambs. Kidding. Just some prison humor for you there. I actually spend my "free hour" in a roofless cement cell, gazing at the clouds, wishing it was night so that I could see the stars.

Anyway, all of that alone time lends itself toward serious introspection and reflection on what's important in life. Education. Freedom. A committed relationship with another person.

So when I heard about meet-an-inmate.com -- the website where "lonely attractive inmates in the USA seek penpals" -- I felt a glimmer of hope, that maybe...just maybe...I might find that special someone with whom I could spend the rest of my life with (after I fulfill my debt to society by serving my four consecutive life terms). Little did I know that my hope would be crushed. Crushed like it was when Stephanie Mason rejected me for senior prom. Or like the skulls of my 5th, 9th, and 13th victims. Whichever comparison you prefer.

Look, I may have killed 23 people in cold blood between 2002-2008, and the judge who handed down my prison sentence may have characterized me as an "unfeeling, ruthless sociopath" who is "incapable of feeling anything remotely resembling empathy for another human being," but that judge was wrong. I'm just like any other person. I get lonely. My family is no longer with me -- my brother died in 2000 (car accident); my mother in 1998 (stroke); my father in 2004 (my own hands) -- so aside from the usual, inane inmate chatter, I don't have a lot of people with whom I can have a serious talk with.

Meet-an-inmate offered that possibility. Finally, someone to have a real, heartfelt conversation with! So I registered six weeks ago. Posted my picture and filled out my profile and everything. The result? I haven't heard anything from anybody. Not a single thing.

My psychologist told me once that I tended to set expectations too high for newly forming relationships, or relationships that I just imagined in my head that had no basis in reality. He said that this led to debilitating disappointment when those expectations weren't met. Now, 5 years later, I'm starting to realize that maybe Dr. Collins was right. Maybe my expectations were too high. And maybe I shouldn't have killed him. Oops.

But that's not the point. The point is this: Is it too much to expect to have just one penpal? Does being the called "one of the worst serial killers in American history" automatically disqualify me as "dateable" material? If that's the case, America is in a sad state of affairs. Is it my profile picture? Look -- I'm no Brad Pitt, but that mask makes me look at least 30 lbs heavier. And balder. I'd take it off but the last time they let me take it off for a picture, I tried to bite the photographer's neck, so the mask has to stay on. I frankly don't understand why I can't be accepted and loved for who I am -- what happened to tolerance?

I even heard rumors that a few guys like Andy (kidnapping 2nd degree with a firearm; 3-15 years) and Marley (armed robbery with a deadly weapon; 5-10 years) already have penpals off of that stupid website. WHAT IS THAT?!?! Newsflash, people: Andy and Marley are UGLY! And boring! What do those two have that I don't, besides the possibility of living outside of this prison again? What makes those two more appealing than me? It makes no sense.

A scam, I tell you. When I get out of here, I'm suing that website for false advertising.

Shame on you for making me hope, meet-an-inmate. Shame on you.

NOT David vs. Goliath

2010-04-05T21:28:00.006-04:00

Can we please stop calling the Duke v. Butler championship game "David vs. Goliath," just because the casual basketball fan hasn't heard of Butler? There's a reason Butler got a 5-seed in the tourney and won 33 games this season: They're good, and have been for years.

But, as the media is unwaveringly cliched and uncreative, they have resorted to the ol' David vs. Goliath comparison. Duke can still be Goliath -- that's an apt enough comparison -- but can Butler be some other physically large, though more obscure, figure?

JMill suggested Andre the Giant. Done. Insert any pro wrestler of your choice, really. And while "Andre the Giant vs. Goliath" doesn't quite roll off the tongue like David vs. Goliath does, at least it's more accurate.

The Fab Five -- Photo of the Week 5 April 2010

2010-04-05T09:55:00.001-04:00

For all you who will be watching the Championship tonight, this Sports Illustrated photo from 2007 should help you get prepped for the occasion.

Probably the greatest billboard. Ever. If only C Webb hadn't called that timeout that didn't exist.

Happy Monday! Come back tomorrow for RoSA's first Opinion post.

Weekly Selects #31

2010-04-01T10:00:00.002-04:00

some older ones i've been meaning to get to, and some new ones...

-Via Email from Saree, from Awkward Family Photos:

you must, must, must click on this link

I only have two questions regarding the Bacon Brothers:
1) Are those vests textured?
2) Do we have a grill large enough to slap all three of the brothers on and get some breakfast going?

-Via IM from Josh M, with some high points during the first minute and around the 4:23- and the 5:00-marks:

More gems

It's like The Star Wars Kid, but in this case the kid actually knows he's being taped AND that it's going to go on the internet.

If you have the time, the whole thing is as watchable as a Barry Sanders highlight reel -- you know, if Sanders were an uncoordinated, mulleted marshmallow of a man aspiring to swordsmanship prowess, all while wearing a sweatsuit with cliched Asian logos on it.

The "DRAGON TWISTER" at 5:04 is a study in kinetic grace and beauty, like the Moscow Ballet (is that a real thing?) but I'm more interested in the origins of the name...The Kentucky Fried Chickens in Japan had a wrap called the Dragon Twister... and the kid has a nice little gut going, indicating overeating of something. Possible connection?

-Via Google Reader share, a New York Post article from the writer of the Battlefield Earth script, apologizing for writing the worst movie story ever. My favorite excerpt:

[Travolta] said again how much he loved the script and called it "The Schindler's List of sci-fi"

I make horribly outlandish and hyperbolized comparisons. But that was the worst I've ever heard of/thought of/imagined thinking of.

Well, I've been waiting for a decade for justice to be served, for some sort of atonement to be made for this awful excuse for a movie. Is an apology in a newspaper enough? Probably not. But it's a start.

-Via Email from Midge, a final video:

stupid, but fitting for a thursday morning

I'm a very active sleeper. Blankets and such usually end up on the floor, and I've been known to jump off a 2nd-level bunkbed before, but running into a wall headfirst is still on the to-do list.

Where's the Minority B Roll?

2010-03-30T08:00:00.002-04:00

Uh. Stock footage is awesome:

I feel like I could be a stock footage star, much like I was during my Independent Study days.

If you were paying attention to the ad with a keen (read: overly sensitive) eye, I didn't see any minorities in that B Roll. Minorities get frustrated paying bills, too, you know, just as we also put our hands on walls when we're depressed.

Everyone KNOWS that if a company doesn't at least fake like they have a little diversity in their workplace (see posters hanging up in your respective Human Resources' departments at work, displaying diversity), no one is going to buy your products/services because YOU ARE RACIST BASTARDS AND THE ACLU IS COMING AFTER YOU.

But really, think about it. I could effortlessly provide all kinds of B Roll just by having a camera crew follow me around for a day. Here's how it would go:
"Need B Roll of a minority:
Falling asleep at work? Maybe drooling on his desk?
Eating bacon for breakfast? How 'bout for Lunch? Dinner? Midnight snack?
Yelling at old people driving slow? Getting pulled over and racially profiled by a cop? WE GOT THAT B ROLL.
Need B Roll of a minority doing other things, like:
Acting offended at innocuous joke made by coworkers? Laughing uncontrollably at 30 Rock? ~~Weeping inconsolably at generic chick flick?~~ Doing completely manly yet impractical things like eating shards of glass? Procrastinating taking out the garbage? WE GOT THAT B ROLL."

See. We minorities do ordinary things just like the rest of you. Problem is -- we get more credit for doing it.

For Sale: Bunker -- Photo of the Week 29 March 2010

2010-03-29T10:00:00.002-04:00

I haven't explored www.survivalrealty.com as much as I would like, but any website that describes itself as "a directory of listing agents, agencies, and property owners specializing in survival retreats" is worth some perusing. Especially if the listings are anything like this one from Utah:

As a Mormon who has been told by church leaders for years to prepare food storage for unforeseen disasters, this bunker would be the perfect purchase. A highlight:

There are hidden caves which I will show to the new owner. These caves have not likely seen any humans besides myself and my boys.

You know, I always pictured that my future house would have a nice deck/patio on which I could BBQ, a nice study in which I could keep my library of books, etc, but I suppose that a place capable of holding off an invasion of zombies and/or that facilitates training for Thunderdome-like hand-to-hand combat is what I would call a good investment in your future.

I have no idea what the towers are for...controlling the Hubble Telescope?

Happy new week, all!

Weekly Selects #30

2010-03-25T10:37:00.001-04:00

still playing catch-up, but here we go...

-Via Email from AM, an article titled "Women Hospitalized After Bogus Butt Enhancements." From the first paragraph:

six women in New Jersey who hoped to plump up their backsides have ended up hospitalized with infections, after a bogus doctor injected their derrieres with a mixture of silicone, petroleum jelly and, perhaps most hazardous, household caulk

Oh sure, all the essentials for body augmentation...silicone: check. petroleum jelly: check. And caul-- wait, what?! Caulk? Like what you use to seal bathtubs?

Sky Mall needs to strike while the iron is hot to market their Body Figure Enhancing Pads as a safer alternative to having caulk injected into your cheeks. They could go with a simple catchphrase, "Keep caulk out of your a**." Or something.

-Via from cousin Em. I have to warn you, if you weren't on your way to have nightmares of Japanese men with mohawks yet, this will have you back on track:

have you already posted this?

Clapping your hands to express happiness has never been so skin-crawlingly creepy.

Well, I'm typing this on Wednesday night/Thurs morning, and I'm tired, so you're just getting two this week...

Metasatire -- Praise it

2010-03-24T11:22:00.000-04:00

Satire exposes the flaws, weaknesses, and idiosyncracies of a political/social/etc system or group; its effectiveness lies in its ability to push equivocation aside and directly address the heart of the problem by using humor (I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I JUST TYPED BUT IT SOUNDS RIGHT). Well, whatever it is, I like satire mostly because it's FUNNY.

Take this device up a level to what I will term "metasatire" -- where things are mocked in vague generalities -- and you see exactly how formulaic things in our society such as our 24-hour news programs (first clip) and movies (second clip) have become.

Man, oh man, I love these clips... but it's a little scary to see that we are getting fed this stuff over and over...

The Onion News mocking the news, courtesy of Banker (WARNING: a bit of language here)

Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

And the mockery of the Oscars (courtesy of C. Dees)

Sigh. Wistful, yet resigned statement about my inferior creativity and sense of humor relative to the creators of these two videos.

Worst Tattoo Ever -- Photo of the Week 22 March 2010

2010-03-22T10:09:00.002-04:00

Man, I hate to do this to you guys, but J sent this picture and lobbied for it, so I present to you the worst tattoo I've ever seen (and there have been some great ones previously):

EYE BLEACH! EYE BLEACH!!

But really, I have no idea why I'm posting this (aside for shock value), as I hate cats and tattoos. And now I can add belly buttons, something with which I was previously neutral on, to my "hate" list now. This is absolutely unbelievable, and all complaints about this picture should be sent to Jason Tanner, who wanted me to post this despite describing it as "the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." I hope that provides some insight into the type of friends I keep... revolted by something, but more than willing to share it with others...

Happy Monday, all -- if it's possible after seeing that atrocity.

Weekly Selects #29

2010-03-18T10:00:00.005-04:00

catching up correspondence from two weeks ago...

-Via Facebook from a friend who asked to remain Anonymous, after I posted on my Facebook wall that I had just finished watching Mortal Kombat:

I don't have the courage to post this on your wall, but because I have a history of telling you embarrassing stories of myself I will divulge that Mortal Kombat holds a special place in my heart because when I was in 8th grade I won a cheerleading competition (solo) dancing to the Mortal Kombat theme song.

In my own defense, I promised to watch the movie with JMill when she was laid up with her broken leg. I figured when your leg's broken in three places, you need to know that there are worse things in life, and starring in a movie based on a video game is one of them.

I'm afraid I can't come to my friend's defense, though... The "she was young!" excuse would be nice to use, but that doesn't absolve me of the embarrassment I should feel at the bowlcut I sported from ages 12-14.

Ok, fine, 12-15.

-Via Google Chat status from Jay Z, my boy from high school who is quitting smoking, quoting our friend TP:

plus, as educated, and otherwise privileged white kids, quitting smoking is likely the most adversity we'll ever have to overcome

TP may have a point. He, Jay Z, and some other friends had to start The Upper Middle Class White Male Heterosexuals club in high school. See, when you grow up upper-middle class, white, male, and heterosexual in WA, you need a forum/support group of peers you can relate to; with whom you can gather and talk about the disenfranchisement you feel at the hands of all of the other upper middle class, white, heterosexuals you go to school with. Nothing makes the homogeneous majority feel unique than having a club based on their homogeneity.

Interesting side story: I was told I could join the club but that I would only be 3/5 of a vote. I wasn't upset so much about the racist overtones of their condition on my membership, but rather about the condition's inability to mask which way I voted on issues: "Let's see. The tally is 5 votes for, and 3/5 of a vote against. Nice job, JD."

-Via Email from sister Jen, zentai, a Japanese practice I was unaware of:

The Japanese strike again

photos and article from here; all of them are worth a view

Zentai is "the practice of cocooning one's self from head to toe in a skin-tight bodysuit," a practice I normally associated with superheroes like Spiderman and other fictional characters. Another quote from a zentai-er: "It’s like a portable safety blanket...like you’re pulling the sheets up over your head." I'm not extremely claustrophobic, but being encased in skin-tight spandex would feel like I was wrapped in saran wrap, or had a plastic bag tied around my head, and that I was being choked to death -- NOT like a safety blanket. But what do I know? I'm the weird one that wears stuff like t-shirts, jeans, and hoodies.

A Leprechaun Tale, or Two

2010-03-17T07:25:00.001-04:00

St. Patrick's Day reminds us once a year to be proud of our Irishness -- infinitesimal as it may be for some of us -- and then we promptly forget about it for the other 364 days of the year and make fun of "those crazy Irish." Today's a great opportunity to remember the charming, uniquely-Irish contributions those crazy Irish have made to society: (1) Brawling (2) drinking (3) passing out from drinking (4) harvesting potatoes (5) being Catholic (all of these established facts were taken from The Onion's atlas, thank you very much).

A skill often forgotten amidst the slurred confusion of (1)-(3) is the Irish ability to tell stories. I have a beauty for you here, courtesy of Waffles*, who went to school in Arkansas for a bit and heard this story from some friends that live there. Coincidentally enough it involves a leprechaun of sorts.

Brought to you by Google Voice, and well worth the 3-minute listen. Just hit the play button:

Oh, what the hell, it's St. Patty's day. Here's another good one from JMill: "Give me the gold...i want the gold!"

*From Talledega Nights, obviously: "Me and Ricky, ever since we were kids, man...we go together like cocaine and waffles." Yup, you guessed it. I'm cocaine. He's waffles.

STOP ISLAND THEFT! -- Photo of the Week 15 March 2010

2010-03-15T10:38:00.008-04:00

With an upcoming trip to New York City, I was reminded of this ad from 2008, and wished I could have seen this beauty in Times Square:

A life-sized figure of a thief wearing a Japanese imperial flag as a mask with a caption that reads: "STOP ISLAND THEFT. Japan attempts to steal Asia's islands by distorting history." South Korea and Japan are still disputing with each other over the sovereignty of the Dokdo / Takeshima islands (read: pebbles in the middle of the sea between the two countries).

Oh, but there's more this picture. Pan out a bit:

People always say "location, location, location," and the marketers in charge of this campaign took this advice to heart when placing this statue. When seeking support for the Republic of Korea's campaign against the resurgence of Japan's neo-imperialistic aspirations, what better demographic to target than those likely to be interested in Chorus Line, starring Mario Lopez? None, I tell you. NONE. The two groups are basically the same.

Happy Monday, all. "Losing" an hour sucks.

Gone again...

2010-03-08T09:36:00.001-05:00

...see you in a week.

Weekly Selects #28

2010-03-04T10:04:00.001-05:00

Have some DC to catch up on after being out last week:

-Via Email from Kate and Barbaloot, who sent me their favorite Calvin & Hobbes-inspired snowmen:

-Via Email from Pops Dalton, who felt the need to clarify the Ewok entry:

The scene you refer to about asking you on camera what you got for X-mas, I was probably trying really hard not to burst out laughing out loud, which would have harmed your growing sense of self-esteem. It's OK to embellish stories for dramatic effect but let's try and keep the basic story straight.

Well, I stand corrected. The patriarch has spoken.

-Via Email from Jay, sending me an article about the arrogance of Priuses and their owners. My favorite line:

Prius owners work very hard to get as many miles per gallon as they can to win a game they like to call Getting in an Accident While Staring at a Screen with a Dumb Graphic.

The article is quite hilarious, and helps put things in perspective for consumers that think a little too much of the products they own/use...off the top of my head, I can think of a few groups of people: Mac users; 'LOST' watchers; Whole Foods shoppers. You get the idea.

-Via Email from Case:

Bacon candles homie

This just makes me think of Jan's candle business on The Office.

Post-Marathon Check-up -- 3 Months Later

2010-03-03T10:02:00.003-05:00

You'll be happy to know that since the marathon, I have not gone on a run. Not a single one. I think my mind and body still refuse to submit themselves to anything vaguely resembling the trauma I put it through back in November. Instead, I've been playing soccer (sure, you run in soccer, but there's a BALL -- it's different).

I got a package from Jay in the mail last week -- some photos he took at the November race. An unexpected and pleasant gift. Here's my personal favorite:

Aside from shooting sports, landscapes, and architecture to prove his awesomeness as a photographer, Jay has also been known to provide his photography services for other things: Weddings and engagement photos; pro bono work for The National Enquirer and other publications of fine repute; incriminating photos of your boss having dinner with his mistress (for blackmail, dummy), etc, etc.

Wait, hold up. I just got an email from Jay saying that he doesn't do weddings anymore.

Anyway, you can check his photos out at tannerphotography.net. There's some amazing stuff there. Enjoy -- and thanks again to Jay for the photos!

More From the Ewok Era

2010-03-02T10:22:00.002-05:00

Back in my Ewok days, I not only bore an eerie resemblance to the plump-faced, furry little creatures from Return of the Jedi. I also spoke English like one. Yes, my first four years of existence and the spoken English language were at odds with one another, as my attempts at verbal communication were really just a flowing cascade of blathering, inane nonsense. Either I was being lazy (probable), or somewhere in the back of my young, innocent mind I was already trying to frustrate those around me (more probable).

Either way, bless my dear sisters, who were my interpreters and communication medium to my parents. I imagine it's what negotiations at the UN are like. Let's compare the two scenarios:

UN Security Council, 2003
Colonel Qaddafi, dictator of Libya: (Arabic) اذا كانت الامم المتحدة يفرض مزيدا من العقوبات على ليبيا ، وسوف نستمر في تطوير اسلحتنا من برنامج اسلحة الدمار الشامل.
/Qaddafi looks to interpreter to translate/
Interpreter: Colonel Qaddafi says that if the UN imposes more sanctions on Libya, we will continue to develop our weapons of mass destruction program.
UN Envoy: The Security Council finds this unacceptable.

Dalton Household, 1985
Me: Mawm, i jwio weh3 hoh& goerre ehre?
/mom and dad look at Jen and Juli/
Jen or Juli: He says he wants green M&Ms.
Mom or Dad: Not until after he finishes his dinner.

Seriously, there are home videos where Pops will ask me an innocuous question like "And what did you get for Christmas, Josh?" -- mind you, this is a question he already knows the answer to -- and then I will spout some slurred combination of sounds that will be met by my father's befuddled, non-comprehending silence. You can almost HEAR his puzzled look and agape mouth from behind the camera, and his eyes looking pleadingly at my sisters to interpret his little boy's Ewok tongue. It's pretty classic.

End of story, according to Shigeko, is that one day when I was four I came upstairs and spoke flawless English. I guess with some it just takes time.

Anyway, Sara Boo shared something with me on Facebook that reminded me of this story:

Saw this and it reminded me of the story you told about your Christmas video where you didn't say any english words and spoke Joshese. Enjoy!

Denzel's Career -- Photo of the Week 1 March 2010

2010-03-01T10:15:00.006-05:00

Denzel is a legend of our time, so I enjoyed this Venn Diagram mapping the characters he has played in movies (still not sure of its origins):

I wonder what a Venn Diagram of my daily thoughts would be like... Bacon, football, Jason Bourne and/or Wolverine, testosterone, and punching holes in walls. Nothing but typical, manly guy stuff...

Yours?

Happy Monday. It's good to be back.

Cat Poster -- Photo of the Week 22 Feb 2010

2010-02-22T10:11:00.002-05:00

I've seen this one floating around the internet. Enjoyed it:

I realize that, somewhere out there, a real child is actually weeping because their cat has run off, and that's sad, but hey: Funny is funny.

Happy Monday, all. I will be gone for the week with no internet. See you in a bit.

Weekly Selects #27

2010-02-18T10:02:00.003-05:00

Another week...

-Via Email from Case:

ohh my. I wish you could understand the narrator. So this video is of a real simulation that the Japanese zoo did, in the case of an animal escaping.

My personal favorite is the first zoo worker that gets mauled and then is "dead." Hope the dude got some hazard pay.

-Via Google Buzz from Ben:

Is this facebook? Where is my farmtown? Did someone just email me? What is the difference between an email and a facebook inbox message?

I echo my brother-in-law's confusion. Has anybody figured out what Google Buzz is, besides yet another thing to check? Anybody?

Speaking of confusing layouts, I switched up the format of the blog...for all you RSS feed readers, let me know what you think of the new look.

-Via Email from Mike M, who actually sent this a few weeks ago, but in commemoration of the Olympics:

PETA's protest pins are going to be a huge hit at the Olympics. Much bigger than the green jello pins at the SLC olympics.

Yup. Seal clubbing is now an Olympic sport. And you know who's going to dominate, don't you...That's right, the Japanese. They's gonna rack up all kinds of medals, son, and there's nothing you cuddly animal-loving countries can do about it.

The (Non)Evolution of My Thinking, Re: Snowshovels

2010-02-16T10:20:00.003-05:00

As you know, the mid-Atlantic has been bombarded with snow since December. As the below timeline will illustrate, I don't learn from my mistakes.

Date: 19-20 December 2009
Snow Accumulation: 24 inches
In Possession of Snowshovel? No
Thinking at the Time: Digging out without a snowshovel is going to be tough. I should have bought one before the storm. I should buy one now, to be prepared for next time. But wait -- what are the chances that it will snow this much again? If I buy one now, I'll never use it again. Forget it. That'd be stupid.

Date: 29-30 January 2010
Snow Accumulation: 12 inches
In Possession of Snowshovel? No
Thinking at the Time: Well, it snowed again. I should have bought that snowshovel, but there's less snow this time so digging my car out shouldn't be too bad. I really should at least buy one now. But wait -- what are the chances that it will snow this much again? If I buy one now, I'll never use it again. Forget it.

Date: 6-7 February 2010
Snow Accumulation: 32 inches
In Possession of Snowshovel? Hell no
Thinking at the Time: I should have bought that snowshovel. Digging my car out is going to be tough without a snowshovel. I should at least buy one now, just in case, right? But wait -- what are the chances that it will snow this much again? If I buy one now, I'll never use it again. Forget it.

Date: 9-10 February 2010
Snow Accumulation: 20 inches
In Possession of Snowshovel? Still no.
Thinking at the Time: I should have bought that snowshovel. I AM AN IDIOT. Now I have to dig my car out with my snowshoe. I HATE MYSELF.

So basically I spent two hours with my snowshoe digging my car out of multiple feet of snow on 11 February. Am I going to buy a snowshovel now, to be prepared for the next time? Of course not. Why? Well, I wrote it in all caps above, but in case you missed it: I AM AN IDIOT.

Snowmen Nightmares -- Photo(s) of the Week 15 Feb 2010

2010-02-15T10:29:00.006-05:00

Every time I go home, I like to sort through my old bookshelf and grab books that I want to take back and add to my current one. This last time around, I brought back my Calvin & Hobbes books. Bathroom reading hasn't been this good in a long time.

In the context of the snowy crotch-punch that Mother Nature threw at us this winter and the subsequent melting of the snow (we can hope), I thought a comic of one of Calvin's snowman creations would be fitting, along with real-life snowmen created in homage to Calvin's creations:

(thanks to Bill Watterson for not suing me)

"Snowmen prophets of doom." I love it.

Happy Monday, all. Enjoy your week.

Weekly Selects #26

2010-02-11T10:31:00.003-05:00

-Via TXT from JMill:

Text twist for you

Like any egotist, I enjoy people dedicating things to me just as much as the next guy, but now I'm just insulted. And it's not really because JMill called me an ass -- it's more the fact that JMill typed the word, thought of me, took the picture of the screen with her cell phone, and bothered to send it to me.

-Via Google Reader Share from a few friends:

A bunch of costumed Japanese monster-villains dancing to the 'Thriller' music video. Sounds like a Power Ranger's worst nightmare to me. I don't think the Filipino prisoners have anything on these guys.

-Via Blog comment from Anonymous, who is back leaving crazy comments:

Ethical concerns aside... I just hope that as technology further innovates, the possibility of uploading our brains onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's a fantasy that I daydream about every once in a while.

-On another note, I asked for suggestions on Facebook on what to do with my tax rebate this year and received suggestions for three types of drugs, hair extensions, a professional perm, and my personal favorite: breast implants. Glad I can always count on you guys for constructive comments.

Snowpocalypse, etc -- Photo(s) of the Week 8 Feb 2010

2010-02-08T21:28:00.000-05:00

Well, while everyone was picking grocery stores clean of essentials and succumbing to mass panic -- I mean, really, everyone was casting this snowstorm as some sort of meteorological Hannibal Lecter, sweeping in to abduct their children and eat them "with some fava beans and a nice chianti" -- when in actuality it just dumped 30 inches of snow and caused all normal transportation problems that result from mass amounts of snow. It wasn't the Snowpocalypse that so many feared it would be.

We capitalized, of course. Snow changes landscapes in a beautiful way, and we got some 'shoeing in today. Mei Mei wanted to do some "freestyle snowshoeing" off of the picnic tables:

and DJA just wanted to jump off tall structures, because 30 inches makes for a nice soft landing:

Oh, did I mention that the view of the waterfalls was amazing?

Happy Monday, all. Word from the weather peeps is that we have more mayhem heading our way.

Weekly Selects #25

2010-02-04T23:26:00.002-05:00

Thanks, all, for submissions. DC for the week:

-Via TXT from Josh M, regarding his attending the ballet:

Not too shabby...Could've done without the bulging packages though.

Well, if ever there was a reason not to appreciate good performing arts, I think Josh M just summarized it nicely via SMS.

-Via Picture TXT from DJA:

Genius. Now only if theyd taste a bit more like bacon.

Really, why do we keep putting off the inevitable? I'm telling you: Bacon-flavored bacon.

-Via Email from Casey, about 12 Creepy Dolls. The Japanese aren't ones to be outdone:

Check out the doll from Japan. Weird dude, just plain weird

Yup. In addition to times tables and grammar, learning to shave baby dolls is essential to every Japanese schoolkids' education. Right...?

-Via GChat from JMill:

this is my song for you

Yup. Top that.

The Chip Holder -- Photo of the Week 2 Feb 2010

2010-02-01T19:32:00.000-05:00

Frustrated with eating chips at work and getting grease all over your keyboard? Well, the Japanese were, and they came up with the robotic chip holder. Sent by Rijen:

Even though it may be slightly ridiculous (read: totally superfluous), I appreciate the idea. Only it won't work in America.

In the land that has glorified competitive eating and declares unashamedly that "bigger is better," who is going to eat potato chips delicately, one at a time (NOBODY)? The American model needs to contain some of these improvements: 1. A mechanical hand in a cupping shape to maximize the cramming of chips into your face; 2. A mechanical hand with more than one moving finger -- c'mon, God gave us four fingers so we can grip more chips at once to maximize shoving.

Happy Monday!

Just When it Can't Get Any Worse...

2010-01-30T15:21:00.000-05:00

The internet is a timewaster's paradise, but I think it has reached an all-time low (on top of the pornography and spammers). We had Nic Cage as Everyone -- now, I give you Selleck Waterfall Sandwich:

The title of the blog and the criteria for submitting pictures is pretty self-explanatory, once you get past the randomness of the three items: A sandwich, a waterfall, and Tom Selleck. Like I said. The internet has reached rock-bottom.

Anyone who had anything to do with the development of the internet just collectively rolled over in their graves. And anybody who is still alive that helped in the development of the internet just experienced an aneurysm and then rolled over in their graves. Al Gore included.

Oh, the Dichotomies of Youth

2010-01-29T09:00:00.002-05:00

So I was in the Post Office, waiting to mail a Disney Snow Globe to my niece. Nothing out of the ordinary.

The lady standing next to me in line wanted to chat about the "cute Disney gift" I was packaging up.

Lady: "I have an 18-year old daughter who still loves Disney princesses."

Me: "Never too old, I guess, right?"

Lady: "Haha. Yeah, half of her room is covered in Disney. The other half is Hooters and Playgirl stuff. Haha!"

...
Me: *internal* What is the proper response to this? "Uh...Never too young, right...?"
Me: *out loud* ...............
Lady: "Yeah for her birthday party at Hooters, she had Disney Princess balloons on her chair. Isn't that funny?"

Hilarious. Disturbingly so.

Weekly Selects #24

2010-01-28T09:42:00.001-05:00

another week, another set of digital correspondence...

-Via Gchat from AM:

venus williams is retarded

photo by AFP/Getty Images

Skin-colored underwear while playing tennis in a short skirt? THE WORLD DOES NOT POSSESS ENOUGH EYE BLEACH.

-Via Email from Sister Jen and the Frizzle, who sent an article about eye-detection software on digital cameras that is supposed to detect when people blink in photos. Apparently, the software is mistakenly claiming that Asians are blinking when in actuality they are not. An upset Asian customer said:

"No, I did not blink... I'm just Asian!"

Well, I'm going to start getting upset only when calculators with eye-detection software start saying "You look like you should be good at math and shouldn't need to use me. Shutting down."

-Via Google Reader from Rijen, an article titled "Prison Maintains Ban on Dungeons & Dragons." An excerpt that explains why it was banned:

officials at Wisconsin Waupun prison feel that D&D "promoted gang-related activity and was a threat to security."

The prisoner's grounds for appealing in the first place?

[the ban] "violated his free speech and due process rights."

Well, the ACLU will come sweeping in to save the day, I'm sure...and by save the day I mean be stupid and actually take up a lawsuit. I personally feel that this prison is doing this man a great service. Part of the prison system's job is help prepare inmates to reintegrate into normal society, nothing would facilitate this more than removing D&D from his life.

Movie Pitch for James Cameron

2010-01-27T10:35:00.003-05:00

Based on his success, and his movie-making tendencies, I thought I had the perfect movie pitch James Cameron. Here's how it went.

******

JD: Mr. Cameron, thanks for sitting down with me. I know with the astonishing success of Avatar, you must be busy.
Cameron: /gives me dead-fish handshake/ Please, call me James. I'm told it makes me more...um... personable.
JD: Sure, James. Have a seat.
Cameron: /chuckles while sitting/ It's funny you mention Avatar. Right now it's the second highest grossing movie of all time, likely to be first. Do you know what number one is?
JD: I've got a good guess that it's--
Cameron: It's Titanic!
JD: And I believe--
Cameron: /pointing thumbs at self/ Yes! And I directed it! Wasn't it amazing?
JD: I, uh... /clearing throat and shifting weight in chair/ I actually wrote about how much I hated it, even though I've never seen it.
Cameron: Hate?? How could you hate it? It made so much money. That means it's GOOD.
JD: I'll attribute it to this thing I have for hating things that suck, but let's not get into it. I'm actually glad you bring up Titanic, though, as the movie idea I have for you is related.
Cameron: /leans forward/ Talk to me.
JD: Did you just say 'talk to me'? Do people actually say that in Hollywood?
Cameron: No...I just heard it in a movie. Thought it would be cool.
JD: ...Alright. Anyway, what are the major complaints that people have about Titanic?
Cameron: They have them?
JD: /sigh/ Yes, James. People think it was too long... took forever for that stupid boat to sink. What if I told you you could capture the disaster of Titanic, but in 20-30 minutes?
Cameron: Talk to m-- *ahem* I mean, yeah, I would be interested.
JD: It'll be called Hindenburg. Remember the zeppelin that went down in Germany in 1937? Another large-scale disaster movie, but here are the bonuses: More special effects than Titanic, and it's super short. You know what that means, right?
Cameron: No.
JD: It means good news for you, because no dealing with character development, or dialogue. Don't you see? These are just obstacles to amazing people with your special effects.
Cameron: Actually, now that you mention it -- /leans in slowly/ -- can I tell you something?
JD: Sure.
Cameron: /looks cautiously over each shoulder, leans even closer, then whispers/ I don't understand this demand for character development. And dialogue? What is that?
JD: Well, uh...that's usually considered two people interacting to, uh...develop their characters...
Cameron: /leans back in chair, exasperated/ See. That's what I don't get. I don't get human interaction, or people. And they don't get me, know what I mean? Not the way special effects do, anyway. See, special effects get me -- they don't harass me about taking out the garbage, or wanting me to listen to them cry about....
JD: I hate to interrupt your reverie, James, but you see why Hindenburg would be perfect for you? The passengers go up in the blimp, some poor bastard can even exclaim "I'm king of the world!" Then BOOM. Big explosions. "OH THE HUMANITY!" The end.
Cameron: Can the explosion last for at least half of the movie?
JD: Sure, James. Sure.
Cameron: And it's guaranteed to make a lot of money, right?

Random Sticker in Buffalo -- Photo of the Week 25 Jan 2010

2010-01-25T10:37:00.001-05:00

AM and I went and visited White Josh and the Frizzle up in Buffalo over MLK weekend. Why go to Buffalo in the winter? I respond with another question: When an unbelievable cold front blankets the east coast for two consecutive weeks, what difference does it make if you go a little further north?

Anyway, we were strolling the streets of Buffalo when I spotted this sticker on a postal box. While it's not my favorite insult, I had to take a picture:

And then of course I was compelled to find out who Eric Corff is, and whether he was framed like Andy from Shawshank Redemption, or if he really is what this sticker proclaims him to be. I'm all about a good smear campaign, but it should at least be semi-justified.

Turns out I found a guy who has a pretty funny blog entry with some info about Mr. Corff. He writes from Telluride, CO, where apparently this campaign of hilarious spite was born. I quote:

"Eric moved to Telluride a couple years ago from New York, and no doubt a Yankee's fan. Apparently he decided it would be in his best interests to pursue his best friend's fiance. From what I understand the fiance was receptive to Mr. Corff's advances which lead to his bad name all over our small town."

And a Youtube clip from a bar in Alabama:

Any Eric Corff stickers sightings out there, RoSA readers?

Monday Monday Monday...

Weekly Selects #23

2010-01-21T18:00:00.005-05:00

A fairly uneventful week, but for what it's worth...

-Via Gchat from Casey, a hilarious review for this item on Amazon.com:

And some excerpts from the review:

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened.

The rest of the product review reads like an adventure out of Gulliver's Travels, if only Swift had the foresight to write "Part V: A Voyage to Walmart in My Howling Wolf T-shirt."

Sigh. If only.

-Via a Comment on one of my previous blog posts from Anonymous:

I wish not agree on it. I think warm-hearted post. Expressly the title-deed attracted me to review the intact story.

Well, thank you, Anonymous, you are too kind. That is the most flattering non-sensical comment I've ever received. Anonymous has recently become a big fan of the blog, leaving all kinds of comments, and I thank him/her for the support. Especially the unbelievably annoying attempts to get me to use Viagra. (DAMN YOU BLOG-SPAMMERS)

-Via Gchat from Butz, just today:

dude my life is so lame and so detached from all things cool.
this is why I need your blog.
you are the last thread tieing me to what's cool.

If I'm the last thing tying Butzie to "what's cool," then that is a very, very thin thread, my friend. And to answer your next question, Butz is a PhD student. In economics. So that pretty much explains the rest of it.

-Via Google Reader from SlashFilm:

A 42-year-old Taiwanese man died of a stroke, which his doctor claims was likely triggered by “over-excitement” from watching James Cameron’s Avatar in 3D.

Back at school, my group of friends had what we termed the "BS Flag," which we would throw any time someone claimed something outlandish. I am throwing that flag now. Look, I'm sorry the guy died, but you know exactly what my guess is: He wanted to, as White Josh said, "go to Pandora -- so he committed suicide by giving himself a stroke."