The Bagel Incident

People at my work are generous. They'll often bring in a box of donuts or bagels, set them in the kitchen, and send an email that says "Donuts/bagels in the kitchen for the taking." I appreciate this.

One of these "offer" emails disturbed me a bit today, though:

"Other half of my bagel is in the kitchen if someone wants it"

Who wants half of a SOLITARY bagel that someone else has claimed as theirs? I was tempted to take the (half) bagel to the person's cubicle and throw it in their face -- and then issue a Jason Bourne-esque threat. Like he does at the end of Identity when he's threatening Conklin:

"I swear...if I [see you offer another half-used piece of food], there is no measure to how fast and how hard I will bring this fight to your doorstep."**

Something like that.

Josh M characterized the invitation to a free half-bagel as "demeaning."

I couldn't agree more. I think Half-Bagel-Leaver possesses the same mentality that the makers of The Fast and the Furious movies have toward their targeted customer-set: "We know that the masses are fat, lazy and dumb, and will consume anything we throw at them, no matter how repulsive it is."

So, I threw together, with Josh M's help, a list of equally insulting offers I could send around to the office:

-"My fresh toe nail clippings in the kitchen if someone wants them."
-"3-month old block of unrefrigerated cheese in the kitchen."
-"Free xerox'ed copies of my bare a** in the kitchen. Feel free to grab one."
-"Half-used bar of soap in the kitchen if someone wants it."
-"About half a can of Arizona Iced Tea left in the kitchen."
-"2-year old, used toothbrush in the kitchen. First come, first served."
-"Half-gnawed piece of beef jerky in the kitchen. Have at it, anyone!"

Perhaps I'm overreacting a bit. I didn't get much sleep.


**The actual quote is: "I swear...if I even feel somebody behind me, there is no measure to how fast and how hard I will bring this fight to your doorstep."

What?? You expect me to not manipulate quotes to fit my needs?