Weekly Selects #48

Fairly slow week, but let's do this:

-Via Email from Lexi, sending me a link to a page titled "Top Ten Most Useless Products Ever" -- my personal favorite was the Wearable Dog House:

I'm happy to say that a Japanese product made the list. Frankly, I would have been shocked if it were otherwise. What I'm sad about is that American society has reached the extent of laziness where we encourage the laziness of our pets. I guess asking your dog to, um, walk, while you go on a walk with him is asking too much of him.

-Via Google Reader Share, perhaps the biggest pair of endearingly nerdy losers:

(Please disregard that both males happen to be Asian)

-Via Email from Case:

I didn't read this, I just saw "Japan" and "Strange" and thought you might be interested.

Well, I didn't read it either -- mostly out of pride. If Case didn't read it, why should I? (This is why I need to hire a screener of the content sent to me). I browsed the photos and it might be worth checking out if you're planning a trip to the Land of the Rising Sun anytime soon...it's an article about "13 of Japan’s Most Strangely Stylish Hotels"

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Weekly Selects #47

Weekly Selects again. Let's. Do. This.

--Via Email from Saree, an article about the Chinese air force:

Chinese air force drill looks awfully similar to ‘Top Gun’

Basically, to make a live exercise look good, the Chinese stole footage from Top Gun. I can't say I'm all that surprised -- the Chinese virtually steal all of their technology anyway, so stealing movie footage just seems a matter of course. But if you're going to steal from a movie about fighter planes, why settle on something from the 80's? Why not a more modern one, like Stealth? Case, any rebuttals?

--Via Google Reader. We all know I love the new Batman movies, so this comic was just too funny:

(from here)

And lastly...

--Via email from Jay, about a BYU student who wrote in to the school's newspaper (The Daily Universe) to complain about the campus-wide mania surrounding Jimmer Fredette, star basketball player, and did the foolish thing of 1) writing in under her full name, and 2) posting about it on her publicly-viewable Facebook account. Her Facebook Wall has now been bombarded (quite hilariously):

That poor girl has no idea what she started

So, first off, The Daily Universe is in the running for "Printed Materials That Are Most Painful to Read," alongside the chapter on STDs for my college health class (pictures included!), and anything written by Stephanie Meyer. It's just awful. But that's not really the point. More to the point: writing into the BYU school newspaper and saying you don't want to hear about the school's latest sports star is like living in the Soviet Union and writing into Pravda to say you're sick of hearing all this crap about Lenin. Do you have the right to your opinion? Absolutely. Do you have the right to express it? Absolutely. Should you? Now that's a different question altogether, and this girl's FB Wall is evidence of that.

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Weekly Selects #46

--Via Email from Sister Jen, an article for all the vegetarians:

my kind of gateway drug (click here for article)

The esteem in which bacon is held can grow no larger, as apparently it serves as the gateway meat through which vegetarians transform from being conscientious abstainers to maniacally tracking, killing, and skinning their own meat and then eating it raw (all of this done, of course, with blood-shot eyes and a frothing mouth).

Why Xena? I have no idea. It was the best picture I could find. 

--Via Email from Josh M:

And I thought the Japanese were nuts...

Yes, there is a restaurant in Taiwan that is toilet-themed. What do I mean by toilet-themed? Here's an excerpt:

In the beginning, we mainly sold ice cream – a big pile of chocolate ice cream sold in containers shaped like a squat toilet.

It is really quite disgusting, actually, and I hope that when China invades Taiwan they launch at least 20 of the 20,000 short-range missiles that they have aimed at the small island-nation at this restaurant. It's all I ask.

Coincidentally, Kate sent me this very amusing article of the 10 Weirdest Restaurants Around the World. It really is worth checking out.


--Via Email from JMill:

This may be one of my favorite videos of all time

Hopefully it works for you. I don't know why this is so funny, but it is.


--Via IM from Josh M (click here for full article):

A woman who appeared on the American program “My Strange Addiction” shocked audiences when she admitted her bizarre habit of eating sofa stuffing....[and] has eaten a total of seven couches and two chairs.

A psychologist said that the woman may need to find other ways to alleviate stress, which I thought was more than obvious. Some better ways to relieve stress, just off the top of my head: ANYTHING BUT EATING SOFA STUFFING.

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Weekly Selects #45

Follow-up from last week's Weekly Selects: A few of you expressed confusion over Zelda's gender. Isn't Zelda the princess, and Link the hero? I was never into the video games that much. Now that you've all expressed doubts, I'm wondering if Zelda is some gender-confused hermaphrodite. VIDEO GAME NERDS: BRING ME INFORMATION

Okay. Let's do this:

--Via Google Reader from Case:

Case called my bluff that I wouldn't post about tattoos. I had to post it. I just had to. But really, I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said...

--Via Google Reader, if you happen to have 10 min to watch some clips from a movie that I can only describe as some sort of hybrid between The Matrix, Quentin Tarantino, and an acid trip gone terribly, terribly wrong.

--Via GChat from White Josh:

In case you aren't adept at deciphering infrared imaging, this is a picture of a bunch of ordinary guys. With a catapult. Launching marijuana across the US-Mexican border. (There is no audio with the video at the link, but it is still worth watching). It's ingenious, really, because it saves on the extra costs of having a drug mule physically transport the drugs across the border. I hope those cost savings are passed on to the customer... or, at the very least, I hope the dealers launch a couple complimentary bags of pork rinds, Doritos, and other such snacks to their clientele. It's just good business.

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Weekly Selects #44

Let's do's us some Weekly Selects:

-Via Email from Matty, who had this to say about a YouTube clip he sent:

This very bizarre Japanese commercial for a Zelda game seemed to be a viable contender for one of your weekly selects.

Well, really, it has been too long since I've had a chance to ponder about the strangeness of my people. It reminds me a little bit of Dungeons & Dragons re-enactments (costumes) and Matt pointed out that it reminded him of the Michael Jackson's Thriller dance (choreography), so there you have the targeted demographic of Nintendo's ad campaign: The maladjusted social outcast losers of D&D... and, the pedophiles (Michael Jackson jokes: too soon?)

(Kudos to Matt, for his first RoSA contribution)

--Via Email from Case:

I blew it didn't I?  I can't believe I wasted that chance to be part of the blog.  I got to tell you the truth, I got stagefright... I'll never forgive myself, such a big moment and I choked.

Background: I wanted Case to leave me a voicemail that I was then going to post to RoSA for the Seahawks' win last week, but he, as stated above, "blew it." Remember the translator in Saving Private Ryan? The one who totally froze up out of fear during the last battle scene and doesn't help anyone in his unit, and then they pretty much all die? Yeah. That's what Case did here. Instead of clutching his rifle, though, I imagine him clutching his cell phone and rocking himself back & forth under his desk at work.

Thanks for abandoning me, Case.

I am dubbing this The Unleft Voicemail Incident, and I will not forget it.

But I suppose his candidly stated reasons for not coming through are funny enough that he totally redeemed himself. Ironic, really.

--Via Email from Lexi, an article titled "Man Flies Into Rage Over Photo of Saved by the Bell Character":

"[A] man pulled a framed photo of Saved by the Bell character A.C. Slater from the wall and smashed it on the ground..." stating " 'I just don't like Slater.' "

Lexi's comment:

Does it please you or make you afraid that you are the first person I thought of sharing this with after I read it?

I think I'm more confused than pleased or afraid. My honest initial thought: What's a bar in Chicago doing with a picture of Mario Lopez on their wall?

Subsequent thoughts: "Is Lexi sending this to me because she thinks I'm violent and would do something similar? Or does she think I like Saved by the Bell more than the average person? I'm totally confused."

Like I said. Unbridled befuddlement. Welcome to my thoughts, people.

--Lastly, via Facebook from Sister Jen: 

On Display In Portland: The Art Of Beautiful Beards 

I recommend checking it out. That facial hair is impressive. This was not.

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Weekly Selects #43

Why do the weeks go by so quickly...Let's do this:

-On Google Chat Status, from high school friends Jay Z and Boyer, regarding the colossal upset that was the Seahawks beating the Saints in the first round of the NFL Playoffs:

BEAST MODE

and then I found this photo here:

Marshawn Lynch pulls off the rare "backwards leap into the endzone with hand on jock" move

Well, as a WA State native, good on the Seahawks for being one of three teams (the '82 Lions and Browns -- pretty bad company right there) in NFL history with a losing record to make the playoffs and then go on to beat the defending champs. It is the team of my childhood, so this made me happy.

It's unfortunate, however, that watching the NFC West this year was like watching four members of the chess club get into a fistfight: their scrawny and lanky arms flailing ineffectually in futile attempts to land punches; hair getting pulled; eyes getting gouged; and finally having one of them emerge victorious simply because he wasn't as exhausted as the other three. Now that I think about it, though, I think the chess club fight would have been much more entertaining to watch than this division's 2010 season.

--Via Google Reader Share:

Calvin and Hobbes/Fight Club mashup

I felt this was pretty brilliant; I love Calvin and Hobbes. And my favorite line from Fight Club is still when Brad Pitt is getting up from his seat on the plane and says as he's passing by Ed Norton, who has the aisle seat: "Now, a question of etiquette -- as I pass, do I give you the a**, or the crotch?"

It's a good question.

--Via Google Reader, an article about real-life vigilante crime-fighters:

The dude's crimefighting name is Phoenix Jones. He is part of the "Rain City Superhero Movement." Along with a desire to fight crime, he has a skin-tight armored suit, a taser, and an extensive Batman action figure collection that he plays with every night in his parents' basement (that last one is speculation on my part).

I just keep hearing the exchange from the beginning of The Dark Knight:
Batman Impersonator: "What gives you the right? What's the difference between you and me?"
Batman: "I'm not wearing hockey pads."

But hey. More power to Phoenix and The Justice League.

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Weekly Selects #42

Not much came in this week. You gotta step up your game and help me out here, people! And holiday hangovers are no excuse. Let's do this:

--Via Google Reader, a pretty hilarious video:



I don't know why this is so funny to me...

--Via Google Chat, from White Josh:

"just got cropdusted by a really old professor"

Poor, poor Josh.

For all of you people not familiar with the term "cropdusting", UrbanDictionary.com has the following: "Farting, silently, as you walk by someone you either want to move out of the way or leave. Only works in crowded areas where you can't be discovered as the farter."

I'm guessing the professor's version was just as toxic...

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Weekly Selects #41

Things were at a minimum this week, as most people were on vacation, so it looks like it is the Weekly Select this week.

--Via Google Reader Share:

NBA player Chris "The Birdman" Anderson.

New Year's Resolution: Renew and deepen resolve to never get a neck tattoo. Ever. I think that's really all that needs to happen in 2011 in order for me to consider it a success.

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Weekly Selects #40

Christmas coming up, so let's do this:

--Via Gchat from Ben:

Holy cow. We had corndogs yesterday. They were AWESOME
You are so lucky that we gave you such an awesome wedding present...
You see. Every corndog you have ever had has been budget dog and batter

Exhibit A

Ben, of course, is a frequenter and skulker of woot.com, a website that sells items for cheap because most people do not want them. This is where he stumbled upon (hunted for? waited expectantly for?) the Corndog Maker (see Exhibit A), a device I didn't even know existed. Admittedly, I love corndogs, but their true value has always been in the fact that you never have to actually prepare or make them -- they always come frozen. So while I may have never considered owning one, it looks like I will be putting the Corndog Maker to use for years to come.

--Via Google Reader, a news article about another Samurai Sword attack:

a man was inside his home when he became upset that headlights from a car on the street were shining into his bedroom. That's when police say he got into a fight with the man in the car.
  
The man from the house eventually picked up a wooden club and then investigators say that's when the man from the car pulled out a samurai sword.

What??

According to detectives, in the middle of the fight, the man with the sword sliced off three fingers from the man with the club.

Police say that the man was sent to an Indianapolis hospital to reattach his fingers...

Police are still hoping to talk to more witnesses and get a clearer picture of exactly what happened.

I'm nowhere close to where this happened, but I can paint a pretty clear picture for the Police: Samurai sword trumps wooden club every time, son.

This sounds like a scene out of Highlander or something. Can't you see the guy with the sword, silhouetted by the car's headlights and issuing some challenge? This only makes me more curious about the number of people roaming around with samurai swords. I fear I'm missing out on some trend.

--Via Email from JMill:



That was Tasmanian Devil-like. I guess that's what happens when you try to run hurdles that are taller than you. (Burn on the Chinese dude)

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Weekly Selects #39

You might have noticed that I used to do the "DC (Digital Correspondence) Highlights for the Week" every Thursday, posting the funny stuff that people send me via digital media (text, IM, email, etc) throughout the week. You also might have noticed that "digital correspondence" is an incredibly unwieldy phrase -- "correspondence" has like, A LOT of syllables -- and I got sick of explaining to people that "DC Highlights" had nothing to do with what happened the past week in the Washington DC area.

So now we're going to go with "Weekly Selects." Okay? Okay. Let's do this:

--Via Google Reader. From AP:

Wis. Postal Worker Delivers Mail In The Buff

"A Wisconsin postal carrier says he simply wanted to cheer up a woman on his mail rounds who seemed 'stressed out.' But, upon further review, the postal worker says delivering the mail in the nude probably wasn’t such a good idea.

"A police report says the 52-year-old man told the woman he would deliver the mail to her office in Whitefish Bay completely naked to make her laugh. He says the woman dared him to do it, so he took the dare Dec. 4 and brought the mail wearing only a smile."

I considered making this Photo of the Week, but decided to spare you the trauma and emotional scarring. That, and I don't actually have a photo of it (thank goodness). But we can assume that the naked Wisconsonian (Wisconsinite?) delivering mail on that fateful day was a pale-skinned, overweight white man who subsists on an exclusive diet of beer, bratwurst, cheese, Packers' football, and beer.

Who says stereotypes don't work?

--Via IM from JMill:


I think the key takeaway here is obvious: Ladies, never fall in love with a British soccer fan/hooligan.

I thought all that ardent intensity that they put into their teams and fighting riot police ended when the soccer matches did -- but that was obviously naive on my part. It is also present when singing romantic love songs, so is likely present in other aspects of their lives. Can you imagine picking out curtains for your house, or going through the fast food drive-thru, or any sort of everyday activity with guys that have this kind of intensity? You would live in fear your entire life. The second guy with the shaved head is the scariest. Although, to his credit, he does rock a nice harmony.

--Via Email from my coworker CC:


This is creeptastic. Watching this woman stroke her hands and stare at them -- and then get on an elevator with them (00:50-mark) is like watching a stalker talk about his current victim. It gives me the heebie jeebies.

I always laughed so hard during the "Seinfeld" episode when George becomes a hand model because it seemed so outlandish and unrealistic. I guess assuming that these type of people don't exist was, once again, naive on my part. And I've never been so sad to be proven wrong.

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Weekly Selects #38

I was asked to fill-in for a dodgeball game last night -- my first organized one -- which was surprisingly fun. My two personal memorable takeaways: (1) The dude on the other team who was pointing people off the court that he had hit, and who also gave me the "come and get some" wave of his hand when it was just me and him left; (2) The Asian-dominated team we were playing thought I was on their team. Oh, good times. And yes, my arm is sore.

Your videos, and then your Highlights:

Videos:
-An Ian McKellen impersonator doing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air intro
-NASA How to Poop in Space Tutorial (a little long, but no wonder they cut the shuttle program)
-Watch me run 300 yards of my marathon (not really all that exciting, but you can hear Casey narrate and Shigeko laugh merrily. Thanks, Jay!) 
-Stupidest commercial EVER (and the song is stuck in my head. I hate whoever made this commercial.)

-Via Email from Casey, who sent a strange article about people in Japan (sigh) whose job is to break-up couples instead of matching them up:

Have an ex that won’t go away?  If you live in Japan, you can call on a wakaresase-ya or "splitter-upper": "The function of the wakaresase-ya is the direct opposite of a dating agency: with great ingenuity, and the right fee, they will prise apart human relationships."  For example, these professionals will trick a spouse or undesirable future daughter-in-law into committing an affair, and provide photographic evidence of the indiscretion. "We produce a drama at the request of our clients," says Osamu Tomiya, a splitter-upper.

I apologize on behalf of Japan.

As sad as this is, and as much as I think that reality TV is ruining television society, these type of guys has the makings of a successful reality show. Some sort of cross between "Rock of Love," "Dog: The Bounty Hunter," and "Survivor." It has manipulation, drama, scandal, and tumultuous relationships -- all key factors in melting American brains into a soupy mass of stupid-reality-show-addicted gruel.*

*(In the interests of full disclosure, I was flipping through channels a couple months back and came across "Jersey Shore"...and was so mesmerized by the Guido World and it's complete deviation from everything I've known to be normal, that I watched for three hours. I just couldn't turn away)

-Via GChat from JMill:

we should go on a high dining experience in NYC

Marijuana-inspired food -- not meaning "special brownies" or anything like that, but meaning food whose creation was inspired whilst under the influence.

Something tells me that the key ingredients to most of these recipes will be Funyuns, Doritos, and pork rinds. Maybe some Oreos.

-Via Email from White Josh:

After seeing this picture, I can't tell what the Japanese would be most concerned about.  The fact that the base is staying in Okinawa, or what this guy wears out in public!  wow

Oh, Prime Minister Hatoyama.

I was more concerned about Hatoyama and his party taking power last year from the Liberal Democratic Party -- a political party that was pretty much in power for 50+ years straight -- and whether his administration would have the cajones to battle entrenched bureaucrats, endemic and pervasive governmental corruption, and Japan's aging society.

But now I'm more concerned about his fashion sense.

-Via Email from Banker, who just got in to a prestigious university in Europe for a postgrad program. In celebration, Josh M got him a gag gift of an Indian dreamcatcher, which Banker mocked. This email came in a couple of weeks later with attachment:

this thing must have brought me luck, as I hung it up last night, and this morning I wake to have an email from *university name* saying that one who was awarded the scholarship declined, and since I was the runner up, guess who gets it?!

(see below)

so thank you for the dream catcher, as it certainly caught something. 

(I'll never make fun of these again)

Lesson: NEVER QUESTION THE POWER OF THE DREAMCATCHER.

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Weekly Selects #37

I get so many new YouTube clips a week that I can't possibly include them all even though I still want to include them. So, before the weekly DC highlights, I'll toss hyperlinks to some of the better videos from the past week, and you guys can decide on which one you like the best. 

Alrighty. Let's do this:

Videos:
-Slayer Goes to Church (Think church service meets mosh pit)
-Swagger Wagon (You can't tell me it's not catchy -- should be in contention for a Grammy)
-Will Ferrell Express (Watch Ferrell start a basebrawl and throw beer at other players)
-Sauerkraut Wrestling (You'd better not dive in with any open cuts...could sting)

-Via TXT from DJA:

Quoting the "gentleman"@the nxt window making his transaction@the bank: "& i need 100 singles...thats right...100 singles." yes.

Well, at least someone was having fun over the weekend.

-Via Email from JMill:

the squirrel that died in your wall...

You might recall the squirrel that got stuck in our wall and that I feared would die and would become a ghost Clown-Squirrel and haunt me. But a drunk Clown-Squirrel?? I just wet my pants thinking about it.

But really, I watched this video, felt bad for the squirrel for a split second, then immediately began thinking of the animals that I would like to see drunk (I've already seen a cat high off of dope, so cat doesn't make the list). In no particular order:

• Giraffe: Their necks are so disproportionately long already, can you imagine a giraffe feeling like its head is twice as heavy as it normally is, swaying on the end of that neck? You would laugh.
• Tree Sloth: It would be like the squirrel trying to climb up the tree, but. much. slower.
• Badger, Hippo, Grizzly Bear: I'm just curious to see if they are angry drunks. I think they would be.

Any that you would like to see?

-Via Google Reader, because you know I can't go a DC Highlights without pointing out some strange thing going on over in Japan:

Robot Priest Marries Couple in Japan

Girls always talk about their dream weddings. Somehow I don't think that "Robot priest saying 'Do you take this man to be your wife?' " was part of anyone's scenario. Well, of course, except this Japanese girl's. Oi.

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Weekly Selects #36

Sorry 'bout missing last week. Let's do this:

-Via Google Reader, and email from White Josh:

Headline: Biker's corpse propped on motorcycle for three-day wake

So this dude was murdered (sad, and unfortunate), but his last wish was to be propped up on his bike.

Well, this makes me think about a few things, besides the obvious "Huh?" that some of you may have on the tips of your tongues. It got me thinking about what worldly possession I care about enough to be buried with, propped up on/against, or put in my hands in the casket. Root beer? Bacon? A good book? An awesome chrome Barbecue grill? I have no idea.

White Josh chimed in with:

You can prop me up with my racquet and goggles. Yacquetball for lizife.

Yacquetball is a story for another time, but let's just say it was a game we made up at college involving racquetball equipment, eye and/or crotch protection, and caused $800+ damage to the basement of our dorm hall.

-Via Google Reader:

cupcakes flying out of a 120psi cupcake cannon and into people's faces.

I don't know why that's so awesome. But it is.

-Via Email from White Josh, from Williams & Sonoma:

Speaking of BBQ'ing...

Why brand something that you're just going to stuff in your face? Someone needs to explain the relevance of this to me. I mean, yeah, it's cool because it feeds the ego -- I won't deny that seeing 'JD' branded onto a steak would be awesome -- but still...

-Via Email from Case, LOST-inspired Bentos from www.aibento.net:

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Weekly Selects #35

Enough small talk. Shall we do this? Let's do this:

-Via IM with Josh M, as we were discussing possible new cars:

Josh M: or you can have people cast votes
Josh M: mine will be for the stretch hummer with the hot tub in the back
Me: figures, man. always using me for my luxurious goods to impress the women
Josh M: well, since you weren't willing to buy me a diamond encrusted grill, i figured this would be a good chance for you to redeem yourself

Yes, Father Time has diagnosed the Civie, and it's not worth the money to fix my air conditioning unit -- so I'm taking Papa Dalton's advice and "run[ning] the thing into the ground" before I get a new one. This of course means that when summer rolls around, my car will be a stuffy, oppressive sauna, and I'm just going to start driving around in a towel.

-Via G-Chat with Ben, after I asked him how he's doing a week after his beloved Denver Broncos had traded three of their draft choices last week in order to draft Tim Tebow:

I passed quickly through denial. Spent quite a lot of time in anger.
I think I have moved onto bargaining.
"maybe they will be ok if they can get a running game going"
"maybe we can work in all three qbs"
"maybe our defense will show up this year"
I feel "depression" setting in rather rapidly.
And "acceptance" will be months or years away.
How are you?

Well, I am actually doing quite well, thank you for asking, Ben.

See, that's the nice thing about not really having an NFL team you have a vested interest in: No team can crush you emotionally when they make inexplicably crazy draft choices; or when they choke consistently during big games; or when they're picked every preseason to "make the playoffs" but always, always end up falling short; or just when they're never any good year after year (see Denver Broncos, Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins, and Buffalo Bills, respectively). I'm telling you: A cool, sociopath-like emotional detachment is the way to go. I can sit back and watch NFL games without having to breathe into a paper bag every time the score gets close.

-Via Email from Jay, who sent an article about the Cub Scouts:

Headline: Cub scouts to offer offer video game playing pin

Durrrr...

As far as getting credit for sitting on your butt and contributing nothing of value to society, this award ranks right up there.

I have to say, though, that the best merit badge I ever worked on in Boy Scouts was my drug-dealing one. A syringe and bottle of pills were the logo. Requirements included "lurk in the shadows for an entire night and avoid detection by local law enforcement authorities," "ruin at least three peoples' lives by getting them addicted to your 'product,' " and "threaten those who haven't paid you yet."

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Weekly Selects #34

Quick Civie update before we get started. I took her in to get fixed with a mechanic who has been fixing cars for local LDS people for what I'm sure has been decades. The mechanic's name is Howard, but I prefer to call him Father Time, because he is quite possibly the oldest mechanic alive. It would not shock me if he started a story with "You know, I remember what I was doing when I found out that McKinley was shot." But Howard's a stud, and knows what he's doing, so I'm hoping for the best.

Okay. Now to this week's highlights:

-Via Google Reader:

Rechristen Yourself with the Wu-Tang Clan Nickname Generator

I know you want to know what my Wu-Tang name is: Misunderstood Demon, son. And I also know that you want to try it yourself. Let me know if you get something you like.


-Via Email from Gina C:

Funny baseball interview: Park Chan-ho, the first Korean to play in Major League Baseball.  After a horrible first game of the 2010 season, Park Chan-ho pitched 3 innings of score-less relief in Game 3.  Reporters asked him what was the difference.  See the interview for his answer...

The funniest part is Park's inability to understand why his teammates are laughing so hard. Someone can correct me if they disagree, but my experience has been that people from east Asian cultures are much more open about discussing toilet-oriented topics.

-Via Email from BreakUpEasy.com:

Subj: JMill has something to tell you: We here at BreakUpEasy.com are sorry to be the ones to tell you that JMill no longer wishes to be with you. Because breaking up with someone can be hard, JMill has decided to use our website to give you this news.

The email expounds on the specific reasons for the breakup.

So they have a break-up websites, now. Huh. What else are cowards going to have the internet do for them in order to avoid confrontation? Beat up the bully at school? Tell the high school band teacher that they're quitting band? Unbelievable.

-Via Email from Drew, a coworker and a huge runner who advocates the "minimalist" approach to running shoes (it gets good around 0:45):

Nike Free Ad

I don't know why this is awesome, but it is. The disclaimer at the end is also a nice touch.

I always answer that if given three wishes by a genie, my first wish would be to be the best breakdancer ever. I think my second may have just become "be a Japanese DJ that mixes with Nike shoes."

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Weekly Selects #33

Now for the Nyquil-fueled edition of the weekly Highlights...

-Via TXT from Case, who took a trip to NYC that I was unfortunately unable to participate in:

Who is missing from this picture?

Well, knowing Case, I'm assuming this was an attempted guilt trip on me, but who knows? Case could be crazy and imagining he has his arm around someone.

-Via Email from JMill, another Japanese video with lots of ripping clothes and fire-breathing:



In my high school film editing class some buddies and I were going to do a Bruce Lee documentary, starring yours truly (who has never taken a martial arts class in his life). The opening scene was going to have a gong sound, me screaming with primal fury, and then my (pre-cut) shirt ripping from my body. Similar to this video, really, 'cept I can assure you that a black speedo was never, ever a remotely considered concept.

(JMill also sent me one or two (a Star Wars rap --If you want to see Darth Vader rap, the fusion of hip hop and Star Wars geek culture is awesome) other videos that are worth checking out if you happen to have the time.)

-Via Email from Nartker:

Mel and I successfully put together a LARGE dresser from Ikea today ...I'm not admitting how many hours it took ,but I thought of u everytime I looked at those ridiculous directions. I'm convinced that convicts in whatever country ikea is from are paid 13 cents an hour to come up with those directions.... It makes sense that there are no written instructions... They can't read or write!

It's the best theory I've heard about Ikea's frustrating assembly instructions so far.

-Via Email from Julie:

kind of gross, kind of cool

 from thisisfreakingridiculous.com

That's right. Things made from bacon that shouldn't be, including an AK-47, hats, and bras.

I actually had strong words with Butzie this afternoon because his G-chat status that read "pepperoni is the new bacon." When I challenged him on it, he responded with "I dare you to try the meatball pepperoni footlong from subway and then tell me that bacon is better." We eventually came to an agreement that if the pepperoni sandwich isn't better, I have free license to him with an actual sandwich.

I say we open up the challenge to anyone -- let me know how the pepperoni meatball is, and then we can collectively beat Butzie with subway sandwiches next time we see him.

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Weekly Selects #32

Was busy yesterday watching movie plot hole after movie plot hole unfold as undeveloped characters delivered cliched dialogue in a special effects extravaganza; and yet still found myself entertained. Thanks, Clash of the Titans. So here we go a day late with some DC, and I apologize to any readers who are not able to see embedded YouTube clips, as I received a lot of these this past week. Let's do this:

-Via Gchat from Banker:

something for your blog?

Um, yes, please, and THANK YOU. These are all great, but I honestly think Arnold was best in Pumping Iron, mostly because it was a documentary (the key: NO ACTING REQUIRED) and you just got to watch Arnold brag about himself in all of his bulging, symmetrical, Adonis-like physical perfection. In college we called the Blockbuster (back when Netflix hadn't rendered "video stores" obsolete) to ask if they had it:

Us: Hi, do you have Pumping Iron?
Blockbuster Dude: Um. Let me check The movie from 1977?
Us: Yes. That's the one.
Blockbuster Dude: Yes, we have it.
Us: Okay. We'll come get it right now. Actually, could you hold on to it for us? Just to make sure no one grabs it?
Blockbuster Dude: ...Uh, I don't think that's going to be a problem. But sure.

-Via Google Reader share, some selected analogies and metaphors found in high school students' essays. Aspiring writers, TAKE NOTES:

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef

There are just too many good ones here. If you are/know a K-12 teacher, please keep record of these. These are priceless, if not humiliating later in life for the children.

-Via Google Reader share, the best custom pizza I've ever seen:

"I be tossin' and flossin', my style is awesome."

-Via Email from Kate:

I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry

My personal favorite is the sister in the middle seat. The disdainful look of utter disapproval at her parents' insensitivity, coupled with the folded arms, is amazing. If I ever get a look like that from my future daughter I'll probably curl up in a ball and never speak again.

PS I need to kidnap an Asian child.

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Weekly Selects #31

some older ones i've been meaning to get to, and some new ones...

-Via Email from Saree, from Awkward Family Photos:

you must, must, must click on this link

 I only have two questions regarding the Bacon Brothers:
1) Are those vests textured?
2) Do we have a grill large enough to slap all three of the brothers on and get some breakfast going?

-Via IM from Josh M, with some high points during the first minute and around the 4:23- and the 5:00-marks:

More gems

It's like The Star Wars Kid, but in this case the kid actually knows he's being taped AND that it's going to go on the internet.

If you have the time, the whole thing is as watchable as a Barry Sanders highlight reel -- you know, if Sanders were an uncoordinated, mulleted marshmallow of a man aspiring to swordsmanship prowess, all while wearing a sweatsuit with cliched Asian logos on it.

The "DRAGON TWISTER" at 5:04 is a study in kinetic grace and beauty, like the Moscow Ballet (is that a real thing?) but I'm more interested in the origins of the name...The Kentucky Fried Chickens in Japan had a wrap called the Dragon Twister... and the kid has a nice little gut going, indicating overeating of something. Possible connection?

-Via Google Reader share, a New York Post article from the writer of the Battlefield Earth script, apologizing for writing the worst movie story ever. My favorite excerpt:

[Travolta] said again how much he loved the script and called it "The Schindler's List of sci-fi"

I make horribly outlandish and hyperbolized comparisons. But that was the worst I've ever heard of/thought of/imagined thinking of.

Well, I've been waiting for a decade for justice to be served, for some sort of atonement to be made for this awful excuse for a movie. Is an apology in a newspaper enough? Probably not. But it's a start.

-Via Email from Midge, a final video:

stupid, but fitting for a thursday morning

I'm a very active sleeper. Blankets and such usually end up on the floor, and I've been known to jump off a 2nd-level bunkbed before, but running into a wall headfirst is still on the to-do list.

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Weekly Selects #30

still playing catch-up, but here we go...

-Via Email from AM, an article titled "Women Hospitalized After Bogus Butt Enhancements." From the first paragraph:

six women in New Jersey who hoped to plump up their backsides have ended up hospitalized with infections, after a bogus doctor injected their derrieres with a mixture of silicone, petroleum jelly and, perhaps most hazardous, household caulk

Oh sure, all the essentials for body augmentation...silicone: check. petroleum jelly: check. And caul-- wait, what?! Caulk? Like what you use to seal bathtubs?

Sky Mall needs to strike while the iron is hot to market their Body Figure Enhancing Pads as a safer alternative to having caulk injected into your cheeks. They could go with a simple catchphrase, "Keep caulk out of your a**." Or something.

-Via from cousin Em. I have to warn you, if you weren't on your way to have nightmares of Japanese men with mohawks yet, this will have you back on track:

have you already posted this?

Clapping your hands to express happiness has never been so skin-crawlingly creepy.

Well, I'm typing this on Wednesday night/Thurs morning, and I'm tired, so you're just getting two this week...

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Weekly Selects #29

catching up correspondence from two weeks ago...

-Via Facebook from a friend who asked to remain Anonymous, after I posted on my Facebook wall that I had just finished watching Mortal Kombat:

I don't have the courage to post this on your wall, but because I have a history of telling you embarrassing stories of myself I will divulge that Mortal Kombat holds a special place in my heart because when I was in 8th grade I won a cheerleading competition (solo) dancing to the Mortal Kombat theme song.

In my own defense, I promised to watch the movie with JMill when she was laid up with her broken leg. I figured when your leg's broken in three places, you need to know that there are worse things in life, and starring in a movie based on a video game is one of them.

I'm afraid I can't come to my friend's defense, though... The "she was young!" excuse would be nice to use, but that doesn't absolve me of the embarrassment I should feel at the bowlcut I sported from ages 12-14.

Ok, fine, 12-15.

-Via Google Chat status from Jay Z, my boy from high school who is quitting smoking, quoting our friend TP:

plus, as educated, and otherwise privileged white kids, quitting smoking is likely the most adversity we'll ever have to overcome

TP may have a point. He, Jay Z, and some other friends had to start The Upper Middle Class White Male Heterosexuals club in high school. See, when you grow up upper-middle class, white, male, and heterosexual in WA, you need a forum/support group of peers you can relate to; with whom you can gather and talk about the disenfranchisement you feel at the hands of all of the other upper middle class, white, heterosexuals you go to school with. Nothing makes the homogeneous majority feel unique than having a club based on their homogeneity.

Interesting side story: I was told I could join the club but that I would only be 3/5 of a vote. I wasn't upset so much about the racist overtones of their condition on my membership, but rather about the condition's inability to mask which way I voted on issues: "Let's see. The tally is 5 votes for, and 3/5 of a vote against. Nice job, JD."

-Via Email from sister Jen, zentai, a Japanese practice I was unaware of:

The Japanese strike again

photos and article from here; all of them are worth a view

Zentai is "the practice of cocooning one's self from head to toe in a skin-tight bodysuit," a practice I normally associated with superheroes like Spiderman and other fictional characters. Another quote from a zentai-er: "It’s like a portable safety blanket...like you’re pulling the sheets up over your head." I'm not extremely claustrophobic, but being encased in skin-tight spandex would feel like I was wrapped in saran wrap, or had a plastic bag tied around my head, and that I was being choked to death -- NOT like a safety blanket. But what do I know? I'm the weird one that wears stuff like t-shirts, jeans, and hoodies.

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