Be Prepared (So You Don't Do Something Stupid)

I think the Boy Scout motto is too simple: "Be prepared."

For what, exactly? Just a little more detail would provide some guidance, like "be prepared for natural disasters" or "be prepared for when you're bit by a rabid dog." For me personally, it should be something along the lines of "be prepared for anything, just so you don't make a STUPID decision" (or, alternately: "be prepared in case a clown hopped up on meth comes at you with a crowbar." Don't tell me it can't happen).

And that's why, even though the Civie is still driving alright,  I am preparing ahead of time and shopping for a new car now. I figure that if I do all of my research now I will know what I want to buy -- so that when my car DOES die I won't rush out in a frenzied, impulsive panic, and before I know it I'm driving home missing a kidney and 80% of my liver because I sold them as the down payment on a Bentley I can't afford.

Anyway. I'm hoping to avoid the Bentley-situation, so I've narrowed it down to three cars for very practical reasons:

1) Honda Accord/Civic - Dependability? Good gas mileage? WRONG. We all know that the Accord and Civic are the car models that are the most "Rice Rocketable," and we all know I be wantin to get my Tokyo Drift on on the suburban streets of Northern VA.

2) Toyota Matrix - This is one of the "crossover" vehicles, meaning that it's half-sedan, half-SUV. I need a car I can relate to and feel connected with, and this car understands what it's like to be a "halfie" caught between two worlds. This could be a good match for me.

3) Toyota Prius - I hear what you're thinking: "Yeah, it gets good gas mileage, but what about the massive recalls this year. And the sticky accelerator pedals. It's a death trap, man. Don't do it."

Well, you're probably right on all those accounts, but you're assuming that those would deter me because you  forgot HOW HARDCORE I AM. I want this car precisely because it IS dangerous, and because being strapped into a large piece of metal hurtling at high rates of speed, and possibly being unable to control or stop that vehicle, doesn't scare me. I live for it.

(No, but really...I hope Toyota fixed that pedal problem if I end up buying the car.)

You've probably noticed that my list is exclusively Japanese. I'm not called an elitist for nothing.


Anybody have suggestions or advice of their own?

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Google Knows All -- Photo of the Week 26 April 2010

Google has revolutionized our lives in so many ways, but have we thought about the implications of Google knowing EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU? Take this hilarious shot from Street View Google, fittingly captioned "Google knows of your daily torment":

Oh, the poor little boy being pwned by his little sister.

It's interesting, though, that we just kind of accept the omniscience of Google. I mean, everyone's concerned about "Big Brother" government taking over, but what about Google knowing everything you search for, the people you care about the most (Gmail, Gchat), what you shop for, what you read about (Google reader), what your schedule is (calendar), where you travel (Google maps), and that you get beat up by your little sister? Does this not bother anybody?


Anyway...happy Monday, all!

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Just When it Can't Get Any Worse...

The internet is a timewaster's paradise, but I think it has reached an all-time low (on top of the pornography and spammers). We had Nic Cage as Everyone -- now, I give you Selleck Waterfall Sandwich:

The title of the blog and the criteria for submitting pictures is pretty self-explanatory, once you get past the randomness of the three items: A sandwich, a waterfall, and Tom Selleck. Like I said. The internet has reached rock-bottom.

Anyone who had anything to do with the development of the internet just collectively rolled over in their graves. And anybody who is still alive that helped in the development of the internet just experienced an aneurysm and then rolled over in their graves. Al Gore included.

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Avatar: A Review of the Movie, and its Consequences

Saw Avatar. I realize that with the movie shattering all kinds of box office records, saying "I saw Avatar" is not a unique statement -- about as unique as something like "I wear underwear" (virtually universal, but every once in a while people surprise you). Decided to write a little review, and talk about the consequences I fear will result from this movie.

It was visually STUNNING. Everything I thought was going to be cartoonish ended up being lifelike and gorgeous, and I was drawn into that world. Banker thought to himself during the movie: "So this is what a quarter of a billion dollars can buy," and I agree. For the sheer aesthetics alone, the movie is worth seeing.

However, there were other things that a quarter of a billion dollars couldn't buy. A few off the top of my head:

1. Screenwriters to write a non-predictable plot: Look, I'm not asking for a Sherlock Holmes mystery  that no one can figure out until the very end...but when compared to Avatar's, even the plots of the childrens' books I read to my nieces and nephew, ages 2-5, are wildly unpredictable (POSSIBLY IMPORTANT NOTE: I have read these books dozens of time...even then!). We all had this thing figured out before the 10-minute mark rolled around.

2. Screenwriters to craft an original plot: You've no doubt seen the "rewritten" Pocahontas script floating around, in which Pocahontas character names and places are simply replaced with corresponding names/places from Avatar. Uncanny. Throw in some Fern Gully, The Last Samurai, and Dances With Wolves, and you pretty much have an Avatar storyline: Main character looks down on native culture as "savage;" native culture teaches man importance of life/nature/alternative lifestyle etc; man joins natives' cause; epic battle. The end. I have heard Miley Cyrus lyrics that are more creative than this screenplay. (Avatar writers -- the specific Miley lyrics I had in mind were: "Noddin' my head like 'yeah' / Movin' my hips like 'yeah.' ")

3. Non-recycled dialogue: You couldn't swing a dead cat in a room with this movie and not hit a cliche. (Wait, what? THAT MADE NO SENSE) Or something.

4. A Way to Make the Na'vi Makeout Scene Not Awkward: Yeah. I don't think there is a budget large enough to make this happen. This scene was weird. The only way it could have been more uncomfortable would be if I was 13-years old again and watching it with my parents.

Really, though, I guess we can't expect much in the way of "nuance" or "subtlety" from the director who brought us Terminator, True Lies and Titanic. Cameron does large, sweeping heavy-handed movies, and that's fine, because they are usually enjoyable. In fact, I have a movie pitch for him -- but I'll save that for another day.

But now I want to discuss what really worries me about this film. And no, this has nothing to do with the "anti-American" undertones of the film, which have been the talking points of so many blogs -- I'll leave that to people who care about that stuff. What really worries me about this film is what it will do for/to the Computer-Weirdo (CW) Community. And by CWs, I mean the people who live in their parents' dark basements, playing endless hours of World of Warcraft or Second Life (avatars of their own) or whatever because they feel living a virtual life is infinitely better than attempting the same feat with their own. That's the group I'm talking about. You with me?

I honestly think that Avatar is going to plant all kinds of crazy thoughts in the CWs' heads. I fear that these individuals -- who are already using virtual worlds as an escape from reality -- will convince themselves that technology actually exists that can transport their consciousness into another body, thus enabling them to leave their lazy, pale-skinned, "I have subsisted on an uninterrupted diet of hot dogs, mac & cheese and Mountain Dew for five years" bodies into the body of a lithe, blue-skinned, agile 10-foot feline.

And then they're going to turn into these people:



And then we'll read some Darwin Award about one fanatic who got electrocuted because he was trying to plug his dreadlock into the USB port in his computer...

And then when they realize they can't have it, there will be riots. Or suicides. See, Cameron has dangled this unattainable, fictional carrot in front of a group of individuals that already has trouble separating reality from fiction -- and when they realize that they can't obtain this, there's going to be trouble.

It's going to be a slippery slope. You just wait.

Well, that's my fear.

But other than all that? I whole-heartedly endorse seeing this movie.

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The Pauly Shore-Jean Claude Van Damme Follow-up...And What Have You

If you'll recall, connecting Pauly Shore and Jean Claude Van Damme required a tedious 9 steps to complete. As one of the Framers of The Solution, Butz got all drunk on delusional possible-glory -- I believe his words were "this belongs in the national archives...next to the reimann hypothesis" -- and insisted I post it. I was thinking of keeping it secret, but I have decided to relent and give the school solution. I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

Jean Claude > Street Fighter w/ Raul Julia > The Addams' Family w/ Christine Ricci > The Legend of Sleepy Hollow w/ Johnny Depp > Edward Scissorhands w/ Winona Ryder > Little Women w/ Christian Bale > The Dark Knight w/ Morgan Freeman > Invictus w/ Matt Damon > School Ties w/ Brendan Fraser > Encino Man w/ Pauly Shore

You might also remember that I issued a challenge for anyone to come up with a better solution. I was secretly hoping that you all would just unquestionably accept my word as law and not humiliate me by coming up with something better.

Unfortunately, I vastly overestimated the amount of authoritativeness my statements carry with the readers. You took me up on my challenge. This came in from Lex:

Jean-Claude Van Damme was in Street Fighter with Kylie Minogue who was in Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
That is probably as close as you'll get

/hanging head in consuming shame/

Well, yes, I foolishly threw down the gauntlet. Little did I know that someone would pick up that gauntlet, load it into a howitzer, and promptly shoot me in the face with it. So much for the National Archives and all of its associated glory. Sorry, Butzy.

Obviously this game is a spinoff of Six Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon, an actor so pervasive in modern cinema that he supposedly can be linked to any actor in six steps or less. I had my reservations about this theory until Butz introduced me to oracleofbacon.org, which uses "databases" and "technology" to prove that rarely does it take more than three steps for any actor to be connected to Mr. Bacon.

This is revolutionary.

Sure, the Greeks had the Oracle at Delphi. But if you ask me, the Bacon one is an upgrade. All Delphi did was spout some prophetic gibberish about Oedipus's inevitable patricide and incest /shudder/. Look: I'm don't want to ponder upon the topics of Free-will or fate, or the place of humanity in this world -- IT'S THE 21ST CENTURY GET OVER IT. I want straight facts, son, and if I want to know how Alfred Hitchcock is connected to Kevin Bacon and in how many steps, I'm not going to Delphi. I'm going to Bacon -- the Oracle that will change Western Civilization as we know it.

In related news, I have a theory about who is heir apparent to the Mr. Bacon throne. It HAS to be Nic Cage. So much so, that a new blog has crept up called niccageaseveryone.blogspot.com, where Cage's face is photoshopped onto other movie characters', world leaders, etc. My personal favorite, Nic Cage as Gandalf:

Submitted by Colin Bridgeman

But really. Is there a movie role that Nic Cage will not turn down? I imagine sitting down with him in a coffee shop...

Me: Yo, Nic. Thanks for coming to lunch. Have a seat.
/Nic Cage sits/
Me: Now, I have a screenpl--
Nic: Done. I'll take it.
Me: ...but I haven't even told you what the movie is about.
Nic: /shaking head dismissively/ Doesn't matter. Talk to my agent about the details.
Me: Well, I think you should know what the movie is about first.
Nic: Really? /looks around nervously/ Alright, fine.
Me: I want to do a biography about an actor who started out strong, doing some quirky films, winning an Oscar for a movie called...oh, let's see...let's just call it Leaving Las Vegas... He's at the top of the acting world. He can have his pick of roles. But his agent tells him he needs to show 'diversity' and 'get his face out there,' so he starts accepting every single role thrown at him. Anything. As an extra in an Indie film. As a stand-in for a 5-year old at a daytime soap opera. As Ghost Rider. His reputation plummets. He becomes a laughing stock. This will explore his precipitous fall.
Nic: That's a deep storyline, man. Deep. I like it.
Me: You should know we have approached other actors about this before you. Christian Bale. Hugh Jackman. Matt Damon. Even Pauly Shore turned it down. Said it was beneath him.
Nic: No. I want it. My agent's been telling me for years that I need to show diversity, and get my face out there. I'll take it.


So, to recap lessons learned:

• Pauly Shore + Jean Claude Van Damme = still funny
• Kevin Bacon = omnipresent
• Nic Cage = possibly more omnipresent
  

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Weekly Selects #8

And the DC just keeps on rolling...

-Via Email from Coach, after I recorded a long Saturday run in my running log:

great work today. i was moved nearly to tears while reading your log. you met the beast face to face and you slew the freakin thing.

My recording of things like mile splits, mid-run nutrition, and how my knees felt is apparently poignant enough to be semi-poetic.

-Via Email from Ben, who's email account got hacked and started sending Spam:

Subj: EXCTING OPERTUNTY!!

Dear Denizen of my inbox,

Many of you have inquired as to the nature of some emails you received earlier today from my gmail account. You may have thought that I (and you) were the victims of a virus that sent an email to everyone in my inbox.

That would be incorrect. I have actually started an upstart dotcom company selling cheap knockoff electronics. Please order with confidence from the link you received earlier and I guarantee your satisfaction!

Ahhh, what is happening? The gmail virus added that last line!

It's a virus. Run away.

Sincerely,

Ben

By the way, a virus hijacks my email account and I hear from dozens of you. It was nice. I'm thinking of doing something similar at least monthly.

-Via Email from Case, planning for his lack of marathon preparation:

it looks like the race ends at 3:30pm. That only gives me 8.5hrs to finish. Is that doable?

Let me make it clear: If anybody is going to finish a marathon with no training, it is Casey. As for the post-race condition of his legs, his ability to pick up and carry his son, and getting on and off things like the couch and his toilet in the weeks following said marathon? Well...

-Via TXT from Nartker, as follow-up to the competitive eating instructions he sought last week. I guess he ordered the burger that he is scheduled to eat in order to do some advanced scouting; you know, get a feel for the beast. Based on his accounts, he didn't come close to finishing it, and ended up disliking the taste of meat (hopefully temporarily):

And Nartker doesn't have small-person pygmy hands, either -- he's a man! (although he is not 40, it would be funny if his post-eating contest press conference went something like Mike Gundy's... 2:20-mark if you are short on time)

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A Work Bathroom Tale

Odd stuff happens in the work bathroom: Guys suddenly become uncomfortably loquacious; my ongoing run-ins with bathroom awkwardness are made possible thanks to me inadvertently becoming the "pee buddy" -- someone with whom you share the same "pee schedule" -- of one of the big wigs at work. It's uncomfortable. I mean, he's not good game butt-slapping while I'm at the urinal like Alec Baldwin does to Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly; but it's uncomfortable, nonetheless.

Anyway. I have a work bathroom war story from a friend that tops all previous ones.

Here's how the dialogue went (I don't if there's any unwritten, Protect The Shield-type code amongst men and sharing bathroom stories, but in the interests of my friend's safety, I will anonymize him.):

Anon: dude i just had the weirdest bathroom experience ever
Me: i like where this anecdote is going
Anon: you may regret saying that when this is over
so get this. i'm sitting in the stall, taking care of business
there is another guy in the stall next to me, doing the same thing
so he gets up off the can and i think he's wrapping up
but no
he turns the other direction, pants completely down, and squats
bare a$ showing underneath the stall, and wipes that way
multiple times
like ten times
for all to see
yeah, i don't even know how to explain it
so he's facing the toilet
Me: i need a diagram
Anon: squatting down so his bare a$$ is almost touching the ground
Me: sketch something up in MS Paint and send it to me
Anon: and proceeds to wipe
ok one sec
Me: i was completely joking
Anon: no, it will enhance the experience
Me: you do know i'm going to blog this
Anon: this needs to be shared with the public

And here was the sketch:

My friend wanted to clarify it is not his "best work," and he is "actually trying to burn my eyes out with the acid. not drink it."

Regardless, his courage is admirable; for pushing through his PTSD and coming forward to share his story.

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One Thought on Twitter

I think it's stupid.

My sister said it best when she said that Twitter shows how "attention deficit we are." My goodness, people, I don't need to know that you just landed at the airport in Denver, or that you're brushing your teeth at this very moment; I don't care that you're currently staring blankly at the wall, trying to think of your next 140-character "Tweet." I don't even care what Charlie Villanueva's thoughts are during halftime of his NBA game -- unless, of course, Charlie announces that he is either 1) planning to beat a heckling fan; 2) playing the second half pantsless; or 3) getting eyebrow implants.

And if Bill Simmons is anti-Twitt, and my boys at PTI mock their own Twitter feed (because they've been forced to do one by the show), then I'm in pretty good company.

(Of course, with my long-professed and staunch opposition, then subsequent caving-in to such things as the Harry Potter books, distance running, and trips to Duck Beach over Memorial Day weekend, I anticipate my integrity-less self will be "Tweeting" within a few weeks. Man, I'm pathetic)

P.S. -- Here's an interesting example of how short updates with zero context (Twitter) can contribute to mass panic on something like the swine flu.

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In the Works...

No grandiose promises to be made, but Banker and I have a little project we're working on.

Stay tuned. And I'll keep you updated.

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In Mourning

My cell phone got run over last week. I got out of the car for a second and it must have fallen out of my pocket onto the road without my noticing. It was obliterated by the next day:

Thanks to Megs for gathering up the pieces that were scattered across the road the day after. I don't think I would have gotten closure otherwise.

Apologies to my phone for flushing our two-year relationship down the drain by abandoning you in the middle of the road to suffer a pitifully lonesome death.

Kind of like when Ben Affleck left Bruce Willis to die alone on the asteroid in Armageddon. Only instead of death by nuclear explosion in order to save the world, my phone probably just got run over by a Ford F-150 or something.

Also unlike Ben Affleck's situation, I didn't go home to Liv Tyler.

I think I'm on my fifth cell phone now, and this was by far the most violent death of any of them. What have been the worst fates of yours?

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