Photo(s) of the Week -- Blaming "Them" 20 Dec 2010

Well, I went and supported Mrs. RoSA and some friends at a combined 5K/10K run this past Saturday called "The Christmas Caper." (We're all familiar with the reason I don't run anymore.) It was early, it was cold, and it was icy on the running path -- which, fortunately for my half-frozen self, made for an amusing experience when compared to other running events that I have spectated.

Ben H ran the 10K in a full Santa outfit. I personally like this one, which shows off the Santa Mullet in all its glory, flowing in the wind.

As awesome as this was, the more entertaining and/or confounding spectacle was this creepy guy, who stood, unmoving and sentinel for at least 25 minutes, about 50 yards from the start line, with an enigmatic shirt:

"They" are such convenient scapegoats for everything, aren't they? "They failed to forecast rain, so I didn't bring an umbrella to work today and now I'm soaked."  "They are doing nothing but advancing the left- / right-wing agenda."  "They climbin' in your windows, snatchin' yo' people up, tryin' to rape 'em, so ya'll need to hide yo' kids, hide yo' wives,...and hide yo' husbands."

Awesome. Happy Monday and an upcoming Merry Christmas to you. Enjoy your week.

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RoSA Returns

Goedemorgen. Ik heb teruggegeven.

WHOA. I return from my extended hiatus.

Let's face it -- in a figurative blogging sense, I'm feeling a bit like our Dutch friend, Mr. Rip Van Winkle: Slightly disoriented as I wipe the Blog Slumber from my bleary eyes; my blogging "muscles" are atrophied from sitting idle and have disintegrated into rolls of useless fat; and, as is evident from my greeting, my Dutch still sucks. So getting back into the blogging may require shaking off some rust.

Also, one actual and non-metaphorical thing that Mr. Van Winkle and I both did during our respective hibernations: We grew beards for a little longer than was prudent. See Exhibit A:

Exhibit A

...and, basically, the similarities end there. See, whereas Rip grew an awesome beard during his 20-year slumber, I grew an asymmetrical abomination. Even homeless men looked at me with pity in their starving eyes, thanking the heavens that, although they were without income, food, or lodging -- and possibly hope -- at least they could grow a decent beard.

AM described that "...it was part wolf, part molester, part santa, part amish", but I'm guessing that's just a kind way of saying "fully revolting." Sigh.

So, anything happen with you guys since June? Me? Oh, not a whole lot, really...

I went overseas for a good three months, where I got stranded twice in remote areas in the middle of nowhere and was able to witness the inner workings and daily living of the US Military (the latter basically means eating bad food three meals/day and living in poor housing conditions). It was an adventure.

The Beard in its nascent stages

Immediately after returning to the US, the beard had outlived its stay (see aforementioned homeless men pitying me as a possible reason), and let me tell you, trimming and shaving the thing was EXHAUSTING. The whole epic saga took at least 45 minutes and required the type of physical stamina and resolve that you only see/read about in classics like The Odyssey or Rocky. I unashamedly admit that midway through shaving I took a short break to rest my fatigued arm, and I may or may not have given myself a pep talk in the mirror sometime along the way ("C'mon, man, FOCUS! Don't let the beard beat you" "Pain is nothing. You're better than this!", etc, etc). I collapsed, completely exhausted, at the end of it all.

The two weeks after returning home were complete chaos, but I suppose it was for a good cause, because at the end of it all, I got married, which was all pretty awesome. It was all a blur of dresses and flowers and having my picture taken (ugh), but most importantly, a day spent with my lovely wife (formerly AM and now Mrs. RoSA, who I'm sure you'll hear from from time-to-time), my family, and all of my closest friends throughout the years.* Honeymoon involved flying to London to hang out for a bit, then catching a Transatlantic Crossing from England back to the US. You know, just like the Pilgrims did in the olden days!

*The whiffleball games played at my bachelor party were some of the funniest moments of my life

So yeah. That's been the last bit of the happenings here. Now it's back to normal life, and normal life involves blogging. Like I said, gotta shake the rust off, so bear with me.

PS Apparently this video going viral was the biggest development back in the States whilst I was away? This is brilliant, and I'm proud that -- despite a still-recessed economy and Sarah Palin actually being taken seriously as a political figure by some -- America was able to come up with this:



So run and tell that, homeboy.

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Weekly Selects #31

some older ones i've been meaning to get to, and some new ones...

-Via Email from Saree, from Awkward Family Photos:

you must, must, must click on this link

 I only have two questions regarding the Bacon Brothers:
1) Are those vests textured?
2) Do we have a grill large enough to slap all three of the brothers on and get some breakfast going?

-Via IM from Josh M, with some high points during the first minute and around the 4:23- and the 5:00-marks:

More gems

It's like The Star Wars Kid, but in this case the kid actually knows he's being taped AND that it's going to go on the internet.

If you have the time, the whole thing is as watchable as a Barry Sanders highlight reel -- you know, if Sanders were an uncoordinated, mulleted marshmallow of a man aspiring to swordsmanship prowess, all while wearing a sweatsuit with cliched Asian logos on it.

The "DRAGON TWISTER" at 5:04 is a study in kinetic grace and beauty, like the Moscow Ballet (is that a real thing?) but I'm more interested in the origins of the name...The Kentucky Fried Chickens in Japan had a wrap called the Dragon Twister... and the kid has a nice little gut going, indicating overeating of something. Possible connection?

-Via Google Reader share, a New York Post article from the writer of the Battlefield Earth script, apologizing for writing the worst movie story ever. My favorite excerpt:

[Travolta] said again how much he loved the script and called it "The Schindler's List of sci-fi"

I make horribly outlandish and hyperbolized comparisons. But that was the worst I've ever heard of/thought of/imagined thinking of.

Well, I've been waiting for a decade for justice to be served, for some sort of atonement to be made for this awful excuse for a movie. Is an apology in a newspaper enough? Probably not. But it's a start.

-Via Email from Midge, a final video:

stupid, but fitting for a thursday morning

I'm a very active sleeper. Blankets and such usually end up on the floor, and I've been known to jump off a 2nd-level bunkbed before, but running into a wall headfirst is still on the to-do list.

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Worst Tattoo Ever -- Photo of the Week 22 March 2010

Man, I hate to do this to you guys, but J sent this picture and lobbied for it, so I present to you the worst tattoo I've ever seen (and there have been some great ones previously):

EYE BLEACH! EYE BLEACH!!

But really, I have no idea why I'm posting this (aside for shock value), as I hate cats and tattoos. And now I can add belly buttons, something with which I was previously neutral on, to my "hate" list now. This is absolutely unbelievable, and all complaints about this picture should be sent to Jason Tanner, who wanted me to post this despite describing it as "the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." I hope that provides some insight into the type of friends I keep... revolted by something, but more than willing to share it with others...


Happy Monday, all -- if it's possible after seeing that atrocity.

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Weekly Selects #29

catching up correspondence from two weeks ago...

-Via Facebook from a friend who asked to remain Anonymous, after I posted on my Facebook wall that I had just finished watching Mortal Kombat:

I don't have the courage to post this on your wall, but because I have a history of telling you embarrassing stories of myself I will divulge that Mortal Kombat holds a special place in my heart because when I was in 8th grade I won a cheerleading competition (solo) dancing to the Mortal Kombat theme song.

In my own defense, I promised to watch the movie with JMill when she was laid up with her broken leg. I figured when your leg's broken in three places, you need to know that there are worse things in life, and starring in a movie based on a video game is one of them.

I'm afraid I can't come to my friend's defense, though... The "she was young!" excuse would be nice to use, but that doesn't absolve me of the embarrassment I should feel at the bowlcut I sported from ages 12-14.

Ok, fine, 12-15.

-Via Google Chat status from Jay Z, my boy from high school who is quitting smoking, quoting our friend TP:

plus, as educated, and otherwise privileged white kids, quitting smoking is likely the most adversity we'll ever have to overcome

TP may have a point. He, Jay Z, and some other friends had to start The Upper Middle Class White Male Heterosexuals club in high school. See, when you grow up upper-middle class, white, male, and heterosexual in WA, you need a forum/support group of peers you can relate to; with whom you can gather and talk about the disenfranchisement you feel at the hands of all of the other upper middle class, white, heterosexuals you go to school with. Nothing makes the homogeneous majority feel unique than having a club based on their homogeneity.

Interesting side story: I was told I could join the club but that I would only be 3/5 of a vote. I wasn't upset so much about the racist overtones of their condition on my membership, but rather about the condition's inability to mask which way I voted on issues: "Let's see. The tally is 5 votes for, and 3/5 of a vote against. Nice job, JD."

-Via Email from sister Jen, zentai, a Japanese practice I was unaware of:

The Japanese strike again

photos and article from here; all of them are worth a view

Zentai is "the practice of cocooning one's self from head to toe in a skin-tight bodysuit," a practice I normally associated with superheroes like Spiderman and other fictional characters. Another quote from a zentai-er: "It’s like a portable safety blanket...like you’re pulling the sheets up over your head." I'm not extremely claustrophobic, but being encased in skin-tight spandex would feel like I was wrapped in saran wrap, or had a plastic bag tied around my head, and that I was being choked to death -- NOT like a safety blanket. But what do I know? I'm the weird one that wears stuff like t-shirts, jeans, and hoodies.

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A Leprechaun Tale, or Two

St. Patrick's Day reminds us once a year to be proud of our Irishness -- infinitesimal as it may be for some of us -- and then we promptly forget about it for the other 364 days of the year and make fun of "those crazy Irish." Today's a great opportunity to remember the charming, uniquely-Irish contributions those crazy Irish have made to society: (1) Brawling (2) drinking (3) passing out from drinking (4) harvesting potatoes (5) being Catholic (all of these established facts were taken from The Onion's atlas, thank you very much).

A skill often forgotten amidst the slurred confusion of (1)-(3) is the Irish ability to tell stories. I have a beauty for you here, courtesy of Waffles*, who went to school in Arkansas for a bit and heard this story from some friends that live there. Coincidentally enough it involves a leprechaun of sorts.

Brought to you by Google Voice, and well worth the 3-minute listen. Just hit the play button:




Oh, what the hell, it's St. Patty's day. Here's another good one from JMill: "Give me the gold...i want the gold!"



*From Talledega Nights, obviously: "Me and Ricky, ever since we were kids, man...we go together like cocaine and waffles." Yup, you guessed it. I'm cocaine. He's waffles.

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Weekly Selects #28

Have some DC to catch up on after being out last week:

-Via Email from Kate and Barbaloot, who sent me their favorite Calvin & Hobbes-inspired snowmen:

 

 

-Via Email from Pops Dalton, who felt the need to clarify the Ewok entry:

The scene you refer to about asking you on camera what you got for X-mas, I was probably trying really hard not to burst out laughing out loud, which would have harmed your growing sense of self-esteem.  It's OK to embellish stories for dramatic effect but let's try and keep the basic story straight.

Well, I stand corrected. The patriarch has spoken.

-Via Email from Jay, sending me an article about the arrogance of Priuses and their owners. My favorite line:

Prius owners work very hard to get as many miles per gallon as they can to win a game they like to call Getting in an Accident While Staring at a Screen with a Dumb Graphic.

The article is quite hilarious, and helps put things in perspective for consumers that think a little too much of the products they own/use...off the top of my head, I can think of a few groups of people: Mac users; 'LOST' watchers; Whole Foods shoppers. You get the idea.

-Via Email from Case:

Bacon candles homie

This just makes me think of Jan's candle business on The Office.

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Post-Marathon Check-up -- 3 Months Later

You'll be happy to know that since the marathon, I have not gone on a run. Not a single one. I think my mind and body still refuse to submit themselves to anything vaguely resembling the trauma I put it through back in November. Instead, I've been playing soccer (sure, you run in soccer, but there's a BALL -- it's different).

I got a package from Jay in the mail last week -- some photos he took at the November race. An unexpected and pleasant gift. Here's my personal favorite:

Aside from shooting sports, landscapes, and architecture to prove his awesomeness as a photographer, Jay has also been known to provide his photography services for other things: Weddings and engagement photos; pro bono work for The National Enquirer and other publications of fine repute; incriminating photos of your boss having dinner with his mistress (for blackmail, dummy), etc, etc.

Wait, hold up. I just got an email from Jay saying that he doesn't do weddings anymore.

Anyway, you can check his photos out at tannerphotography.net. There's some amazing stuff there. Enjoy -- and thanks again to Jay for the photos!

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Weekly Selects #27

Another week...

-Via Email from Case:

ohh my. I wish you could understand the narrator. So this video is of a real simulation that the Japanese zoo did, in the case of an animal escaping.

My personal favorite is the first zoo worker that gets mauled and then is "dead." Hope the dude got some hazard pay.

-Via Google Buzz from Ben:

Is this facebook? Where is my farmtown? Did someone just email me? What is the difference between an email and a facebook inbox message?

I echo my brother-in-law's confusion. Has anybody figured out what Google Buzz is, besides yet another thing to check? Anybody? 

Speaking of confusing layouts, I switched up the format of the blog...for all you RSS feed readers, let me know what you think of the new look.

-Via Email from Mike M, who actually sent this a few weeks ago, but in commemoration of the Olympics:

PETA's protest pins are going to be a huge hit at the Olympics. Much bigger than the green jello pins at the SLC olympics.

Yup. Seal clubbing is now an Olympic sport. And you know who's going to dominate, don't you...That's right, the Japanese. They's gonna rack up all kinds of medals, son, and there's nothing you cuddly animal-loving countries can do about it.

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Snowpocalypse, etc -- Photo(s) of the Week 8 Feb 2010

Well, while everyone was picking grocery stores clean of essentials and succumbing to mass panic -- I mean, really, everyone was casting this snowstorm as some sort of meteorological Hannibal Lecter, sweeping in to abduct their children and eat them "with some fava beans and a nice chianti"  -- when in actuality it just dumped 30 inches of snow and caused all normal transportation problems that result from mass amounts of snow. It wasn't the Snowpocalypse that so many feared it would be.

We capitalized, of course. Snow changes landscapes in a beautiful way, and we got some 'shoeing in today. Mei Mei wanted to do some "freestyle snowshoeing" off of the picnic tables:

and DJA just wanted to jump off tall structures, because 30 inches makes for a nice soft landing:

Oh, did I mention that the view of the waterfalls was amazing?

Happy Monday, all. Word from the weather peeps is that we have more mayhem heading our way.

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Weekly Selects #25

Thanks, all, for submissions. DC for the week:

-Via TXT from Josh M, regarding his attending the ballet:

Not too shabby...Could've done without the bulging packages though.

Well, if ever there was a reason not to appreciate good performing arts, I think Josh M just summarized it nicely via SMS.

-Via Picture TXT from DJA:

Genius. Now only if theyd taste a bit more like bacon.

Really, why do we keep putting off the inevitable? I'm telling you: Bacon-flavored bacon.

-Via Email from Casey, about 12 Creepy Dolls. The Japanese aren't ones to be outdone:

Check out the doll from Japan. Weird dude, just plain weird

Yup. In addition to times tables and grammar, learning to shave baby dolls is essential to every Japanese schoolkids' education. Right...?

-Via GChat from JMill:

this is my song for you

Yup. Top that.

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Random Sticker in Buffalo -- Photo of the Week 25 Jan 2010

AM and I went and visited White Josh and the Frizzle up in Buffalo over MLK weekend. Why go to Buffalo in the winter? I respond with another question: When an unbelievable cold front blankets the east coast for two consecutive weeks, what difference does it make if you go a little further north?

Anyway, we were strolling the streets of Buffalo when I spotted this sticker on a postal box. While it's not my favorite insult, I had to take a picture:

And then of course I was compelled to find out who Eric Corff is, and whether he was framed like Andy from Shawshank Redemption, or if he really is what this sticker proclaims him to be. I'm all about a good smear campaign, but it should at least be semi-justified.

Turns out I found a guy who has a pretty funny blog entry with some info about Mr. Corff. He writes from Telluride, CO, where apparently this campaign of hilarious spite was born. I quote:

"Eric moved to Telluride a couple years ago from New York, and no doubt a Yankee's fan. Apparently he decided it would be in his best interests to pursue his best friend's fiance. From what I understand the fiance was receptive to Mr. Corff's advances which lead to his bad name all over our small town."

And a Youtube clip from a bar in Alabama:




Any Eric Corff stickers sightings out there, RoSA readers?


Monday Monday Monday...

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Weekly Selects #23

A fairly uneventful week, but for what it's worth...

-Via Gchat from Casey, a hilarious review for this item on Amazon.com:

And some excerpts from the review:

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened.

The rest of the product review reads like an adventure out of Gulliver's Travels, if only Swift had the foresight to write "Part V: A Voyage to Walmart in My Howling Wolf T-shirt."

Sigh. If only.

-Via a Comment on one of my previous blog posts from Anonymous:

I wish not agree on it. I think warm-hearted post. Expressly the title-deed attracted me to review the intact story.

Well, thank you, Anonymous, you are too kind. That is the most flattering non-sensical comment I've ever received. Anonymous has recently become a big fan of the blog, leaving all kinds of comments, and I thank him/her for the support. Especially the unbelievably annoying attempts to get me to use Viagra. (DAMN YOU BLOG-SPAMMERS)

-Via Gchat from Butz, just today:

dude my life is so lame and so detached from all things cool.
this is why I need your blog.
you are the last thread tieing me to what's cool.

If I'm the last thing tying Butzie to "what's cool," then that is a very, very thin thread, my friend. And to answer your next question, Butz is a PhD student. In economics. So that pretty much explains the rest of it.

-Via Google Reader from SlashFilm:

A 42-year-old Taiwanese man died of a stroke, which his doctor claims was likely triggered by “over-excitement” from watching James Cameron’s Avatar in 3D.

Back at school, my group of friends had what we termed the "BS Flag," which we would throw any time someone claimed something outlandish. I am throwing that flag now. Look, I'm sorry the guy died, but you know exactly what my guess is: He wanted to, as White Josh said, "go to Pandora -- so he committed suicide by giving himself a stroke."

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Weekly Selects #22

some highlights for. Enjoy:

-Via Email from Ben and Lex, I got this article in response to the Avatar movie review from yesterday. I highly suggest reading this -- if for no other reason, to realize that there are some disturbed people out there. My favorite excerpt:

"Ever since I went to see 'Avatar' I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it," Mike posted. "I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in 'Avatar.' "

My only response is that I'm disappointed in Mike's knowledge of the Avatar franchise. Is he a true fan if he thinks that Pandora is a world, and it's actually a MOON? What a loser.

-Via Facebook from sister Jen, that was passed from a friend. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Japan's first "complaints choir" !



It's a little long, I know, but man. Hearing complaints from the corporate hordes of Japan in sung form is priceless.

-Via TXT from JMill, when I was trying to get my ski pants to her when she was going snowboarding:

I dont care about methods i just want in your pants

Anybody who knows JMill knows that she is -- um, not verbally inhibited. But this is really just a running innuendo joke from the first time that she needed to borrow my ski pants.

OH, and why not add one more memorable quote from JMill -- it's actually sound life advice -- that she used on Casey after she won our friends college football bowl pick 'em, and Case was making excuses (albeit legitimate ones):

excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure

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The Pauly Shore-Jean Claude Van Damme Follow-up...And What Have You

If you'll recall, connecting Pauly Shore and Jean Claude Van Damme required a tedious 9 steps to complete. As one of the Framers of The Solution, Butz got all drunk on delusional possible-glory -- I believe his words were "this belongs in the national archives...next to the reimann hypothesis" -- and insisted I post it. I was thinking of keeping it secret, but I have decided to relent and give the school solution. I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

Jean Claude > Street Fighter w/ Raul Julia > The Addams' Family w/ Christine Ricci > The Legend of Sleepy Hollow w/ Johnny Depp > Edward Scissorhands w/ Winona Ryder > Little Women w/ Christian Bale > The Dark Knight w/ Morgan Freeman > Invictus w/ Matt Damon > School Ties w/ Brendan Fraser > Encino Man w/ Pauly Shore

You might also remember that I issued a challenge for anyone to come up with a better solution. I was secretly hoping that you all would just unquestionably accept my word as law and not humiliate me by coming up with something better.

Unfortunately, I vastly overestimated the amount of authoritativeness my statements carry with the readers. You took me up on my challenge. This came in from Lex:

Jean-Claude Van Damme was in Street Fighter with Kylie Minogue who was in Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
That is probably as close as you'll get

/hanging head in consuming shame/

Well, yes, I foolishly threw down the gauntlet. Little did I know that someone would pick up that gauntlet, load it into a howitzer, and promptly shoot me in the face with it. So much for the National Archives and all of its associated glory. Sorry, Butzy.

Obviously this game is a spinoff of Six Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon, an actor so pervasive in modern cinema that he supposedly can be linked to any actor in six steps or less. I had my reservations about this theory until Butz introduced me to oracleofbacon.org, which uses "databases" and "technology" to prove that rarely does it take more than three steps for any actor to be connected to Mr. Bacon.

This is revolutionary.

Sure, the Greeks had the Oracle at Delphi. But if you ask me, the Bacon one is an upgrade. All Delphi did was spout some prophetic gibberish about Oedipus's inevitable patricide and incest /shudder/. Look: I'm don't want to ponder upon the topics of Free-will or fate, or the place of humanity in this world -- IT'S THE 21ST CENTURY GET OVER IT. I want straight facts, son, and if I want to know how Alfred Hitchcock is connected to Kevin Bacon and in how many steps, I'm not going to Delphi. I'm going to Bacon -- the Oracle that will change Western Civilization as we know it.

In related news, I have a theory about who is heir apparent to the Mr. Bacon throne. It HAS to be Nic Cage. So much so, that a new blog has crept up called niccageaseveryone.blogspot.com, where Cage's face is photoshopped onto other movie characters', world leaders, etc. My personal favorite, Nic Cage as Gandalf:

Submitted by Colin Bridgeman

But really. Is there a movie role that Nic Cage will not turn down? I imagine sitting down with him in a coffee shop...

Me: Yo, Nic. Thanks for coming to lunch. Have a seat.
/Nic Cage sits/
Me: Now, I have a screenpl--
Nic: Done. I'll take it.
Me: ...but I haven't even told you what the movie is about.
Nic: /shaking head dismissively/ Doesn't matter. Talk to my agent about the details.
Me: Well, I think you should know what the movie is about first.
Nic: Really? /looks around nervously/ Alright, fine.
Me: I want to do a biography about an actor who started out strong, doing some quirky films, winning an Oscar for a movie called...oh, let's see...let's just call it Leaving Las Vegas... He's at the top of the acting world. He can have his pick of roles. But his agent tells him he needs to show 'diversity' and 'get his face out there,' so he starts accepting every single role thrown at him. Anything. As an extra in an Indie film. As a stand-in for a 5-year old at a daytime soap opera. As Ghost Rider. His reputation plummets. He becomes a laughing stock. This will explore his precipitous fall.
Nic: That's a deep storyline, man. Deep. I like it.
Me: You should know we have approached other actors about this before you. Christian Bale. Hugh Jackman. Matt Damon. Even Pauly Shore turned it down. Said it was beneath him.
Nic: No. I want it. My agent's been telling me for years that I need to show diversity, and get my face out there. I'll take it.


So, to recap lessons learned:

• Pauly Shore + Jean Claude Van Damme = still funny
• Kevin Bacon = omnipresent
• Nic Cage = possibly more omnipresent
  

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New Years' Snowshoeing -- Photo of the Week 4 Jan 2010

No better way to celebrate a new year than getting your snowshoeing ON, and that's exactly what our road trip to West Virginia provided for us. Sure, West Virginia's MOs are usually missing teeth, alleged inbreeding, and overall backwards-ness, but it is a state with some amazing natural beauty. It was a great way to spend the 1st of the new year -- how did you celebrate?

As always, road tripping with friends is fun. The game providing the most entertainment was 6 Degrees of Actor Separation, where you connect two actors by movies that they have been in with other actors.**  The most challenging connection to make was Pauly Shore and Jean Claude Van Damme -- partly because none of us could name more than one movie of their's.... but mostly because the mere mention of either actors' name was enough to produce uncontrollable laughter. Why was it so funny? I still don't know, and likely will go to my grave not knowing.

Either way, I challenge you to find a solution that takes less than 9 degrees of separation for those two, because that was the best we could come up with.

Also thanks to 6 Degrees, I found out that Jean Claude's nickname is "The Muscles from Brussels." I feel stupid for having gone through 20+ years of life and having not known this. Shame on me. And shame on my entire educational system and my friends and family for having never taught me this.


Anyway. Happy first Monday of the year, all.

**For example, if you wanted to connect Matt Damon and Christian Bale, you would say that Matt Damon was in Invictus with Morgan Freeman, and Morgan Freeman was in the Batman's with Christian Bale. Just two degrees of separation.

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Weekly Selects #19

It is an Asian-oriented (I'm HILARIOUS) week of digital correspondence. Let's get to it:


-Via Facebook from Chunk:

Thought you might appreciate this. Gets worth watching at about 3 min in.

And appreciate it I did. Like with bacon, I never tire of Engrish -- but toss in some extra ingredients like an attractive girl and a dude using memorized, elementary school-taught English phrases in an attempt to seduce said girl, and you've got yourself a tasty breakfast sandwich of hilarious futility.

-Via Email from White Josh:

funny Japanese stuff

20 bucks says that one of these competitors suffered a Greg Oden-like knee injury. Have you ever tried to kick something and then it wasn't there? Painful.

But in complete seriousness, leave it to the Japanese to revolutionize things. Mark my words: This invention will be the Gutenberg of fringe sports. Think about it. Insert your fringe sport of choice after Binocular. Binocular Roller Derby: Tattoed, aggressive women rolling along with wheels on their feet -- and no depth perception. Binocular Bobsled: Dudes crammed into an unprotected sled flying at hundreds of miles per hour. Oh, and they have binoculars strapped to their eyes. Binocular Monster Truck Rally: The ensuing mayhem would be a mess of beer cans and mullets, but I would watch -- and you know you would, too.

-Via TXT from 'Manders:

Today i walked through Wal-Mart with an arm load of granny panties...havent done that in a while.

I could be forthcoming by telling you that Amanda was doing something charitable for the needy during the Christmas season, but I'd rather let you and your imagination have a heyday trying to explain this completely OUT OF THE BLUE text. My initial thoughts were confused. Very confused. As in staring-blankly-at-my-phone-for-10-seconds-straight confused. But I hope someone who saw you snapped a photo, and you are now up on peopleofwalmart.com, Amanda.

-Via Email from the Frizzle:

My brother Bryan was opening his fortune cookie from the Chinese place in town...and it said: Digital circuits are made from analog parts.

Fortune cookies used to be basic, like "You will be rich," "You will find happiness," or "The drunk clown is coming for you when the clock strikes midnight." If I want the universe's ironies and paradoxes pointed out to me, I'm going to listen to Alanis Morissette watch Jon Stewart, son. China, just get back to the fundamentals of fortune cookie-ing.

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Weekly Selects #18

-Via TXT from Josh M:

This dude next to me at the bank just withdrew a hundred ones no joke

Uh, well, let's see...you can buy tons of different things for $100, so I'm not judging -- but the possible list of purchases that require 100 separate one-dollar bills is pretty short. So now I'm judging.

-Via IM from White Josh, completely out of the blue:

have you ever been sitting down somwhere and had to ask yourself if you are wearing any underwear? Just had a drafty moment and had to think about getting dressed this morning

Uh, maybe? I have had mornings where I get so little sleep I accidentally put my facewash in my hair and my shampoo in my washcloth, but I'm pretty sure I have not left the house without underwear.


-Via Email from my sister Jen, who actually sent this years ago, but 'tis the Christmas season:



Unfortunately, listening to this has become an annual holiday tradition for me.

I would like to enlist this man to sing a few hand-picked classics, such as: Any Mariah Carey song, just for more kicks and giggles; "The Star-Spangled Banner," because let's be honest, it's time to replace Carl Lewis's straight murdering of the national anthem with a newer rendition, and he would do Mr. Key proud, I'm sure; and last but not least, "Nuthin' But a G Thang." Why Snoop and Dre, you ask? Because the song is generationally-defining, son, and I want to see if this dude's rhythm is as impressive as both his vocal range and command of pitch when he delivers lyrics like "Fallin' back on that ass with a hellified gangsta' lean / Gettin' funky on the mic like a' old batch o' collard greens."

Instant classics. All of them.

Let's end on a good holiday note, shall we?

-Via Facebook from sister Juju, about her daughter, Elise:

I found Elise this morning in front of the Christmas tree. She'd pulled a chair right up to it and was just staring at it and when she saw me said, "Isn't it so beautiful?"

Ah. That's the Christmas season I know and love. And I love my nieces and nephew, because they always help me relive a little bit of childhood.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, all.

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Weekly Selects #17

A little long this week, but got some good content from friends. Thanks to the submitters. Enjoy:

-Via email from Taylor C:

My favorite is the guy in the middle, the guy furthest to the right, and the guy third from the right.

For me, picking a favorite was difficult. It's the same as deciding which Travolta movie from the last decade was the worst: It is subjective and completely impossible; they are all so bad.

In fairness, the US trainers should have been issued some clear and specific instructions on activities that would likely be too taxing on the recruits' amply impaired coordination. Something along the lines of:

1. Brushing teeth: ALLOWED, so long as recruits maintain a safe distance of 20 feet from others
   
2. Walking up/down stairs: ALLOWED UNDER TRAINER SUPERVISION ONLY
   
3. Tying shoes: ALLOWED, but waiver form must be signed first
   
4. Anything remotely resembling athletics and requiring corresponding skills: STRONGLY DISCOURAGED, injury to individual and anyone nearby HIGHLY LIKELY
   
5. Rubbing stomach and patting head, or vice versa: STRICTLY FORBIDDEN; trainees will experience aneurysm-induced full body convulsions, eyeballs will be liquefied, and teeth will shatter.

I mean, really. It's a simple list to put together.

-Via Google Reader share from Rijen, who, knowing my frustrations with the Swedes and their damn IKEA, sent me an article about Swedish-Israeli tensions, as Sweden issued a proposal calling for the EU to recognize East Jerusalem as the capital of a Palestinian state. The Israeli response?

"The peace process in the Middle East is not like IKEA furniture," one official said, making a reference to the do-it-yourself Swedish furniture chain. "It takes more than a screw and a hammer, it takes a true understanding of the constraints and sensitivities of both sides, and in that Sweden failed miserably."

Sure, the Israeli official is right that it's a sensitive issue, but his statement is off because HE doesn't have a true understanding of how difficult it is to assemble IKEA furniture (I do believe I'm operating on some meta-level of argument now). It takes the ability to decipher and understand cryptic drawings and translate them into actionable movements. Much harder than you give it credit for Mr. Israeli official, sir, so be careful with your comparisons.

(Unnecessary endnote: An interesting experiment would be to get the above Iraqi soldiers to assemble an IKEA chest-of-drawers. Did I just blow your mind?!? THAT. JUST. HAPPENED.)

-Via Gchat from the Boiler (from FAIL Blog, titled "EPIC DATE FAIL"):

you need to talk to some people
you can't let that stuff get out on the internet

I...I...have...no words...

But really, I watched Hancock yesterday and Hancock was an a-hole superhero who needed a PR guy to revamp his image. I think Japan needs that -- it is a technologically advanced democracy of intelligent individuals that continues to confound the world with its unparalleled "social weirdo"-to-"normal person" ratio (now easily at a strong 3-to-1) -- and I think I am the one to do it. First order of business: Re-instituting the use of the pillory in public spaces, and making an example of these two and the guy who married the video game character. Even Human Rights' groups would KNOW that I was justified.

-Via email from Rye, with the accompanying explanatory background from the originator:

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations.  The bad news is that I had to take him down after two days.  I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.  Two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn’t realize that the body was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy).  By the way, she was one of the many people who attempted to do that.  My yard couldn’t take it either.  I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.”

I don't know whether or not to applaud the man.

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Weekly Selects #16

This one's embed-heavy near the end. Enjoy:


-Via Email from Ring-dawg:

I think you will appreciate this.

An article titled "Bacon Gets Its Just Desserts" from NPR, with some recipes. Bacon is King.

Bacon has really experienced a meteoric rise in the last half decade, I feel, and based on the declining influence of the US dollar as a universally accepted currency, I'm predicting that 20 years from now we will be trading in bacon. Mobsters will be making shady deals exchanging briefcases containing stacks of rubber-banded strips of bacon; robbers will be seen fleeing banks with bags rendered semi-transparent from soaked bacon grease; bacon-bits will be the equivalent of pennies -- technically worth something, but disregarded and viewed with open disdain. Mark my words.


-Via Gchat from JMill:

I found your blog competitor
http://chopstika.blogspot.com/2009/12/whats-in-blog.html
your nemesis
seriously, she stole your blog

JMill has a much stronger vindictive streak than you would give her cheery personality credit for. Once, when Einstein's Bagels didn't make her breakfast sandwich the way she wanted it, she FLIPPED. I don't want to go into details, but let's just say that the manager of that particular Einstein's got the worst of it; that a taser, 20 yards of saran wrap, and a bar of Irish Spring soap in a sock were involved (don't ask); and there are currently arrest warrants out on JMill effective in three northern VA counties. It wasn't pretty (and neither are her mugshots hanging up on the WANTED posters in the local post office. /shudder/).

Or maybe she just wrote a letter to Einstein's corporate headquarters voicing her complaints about service received and got a $25 gift certificate for her troubles? I can't remember the details.

Well, regardless, if I have future ambitions to corner the internet market on sarcastic Asianism I'm sure I could get JMill to issue some sort of menacing message to this girl; in the meantime, I'll just let those vengeful thoughts of her's ruminate on some other scheme.

-Via various Emails, Google Reader shares, referrals from friends: I openly (and proudly) acknowledge my complete lack of firsthand experience when it comes to the Twilight movies and books (I'm afraid, like George Costanza, that THERE IS NOT ENOUGH VOLTAGE IN THIS WORLD TO ELECTROSHOCK ME BACK INTO COHERENCE [3:30-mark] were I to view/read any portion of them). And while many fans would equate my criticisms as ignorance, I have numerous credible and intelligent sources telling me that they're no good.

Here are some of the parodies I have viewed over the last few weeks:

-A hilarious rejected screenplay from Eric Snider.

-A "How it Should Have Ended":




-An SNL Parody:



-A 1-minute recap of the movie, showing nothing happens, plot-wise:



I actually think this is the ideal way to view a movie you know you will dislike: Watch and read all the related parodies you can find, THEN watch the actual movie. The movie will instantly become a comedy, and EVERYTHING WILL BE FUNNY (this will also make you insufferably annoying if viewing the movie with actual fans).

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