-Via Email from Ben and Lex, I got this article in response to the Avatar movie review from yesterday. I highly suggest reading this -- if for no other reason, to realize that there are some disturbed people out there. My favorite excerpt:
"Ever since I went to see 'Avatar' I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it," Mike posted. "I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in 'Avatar.' "
My only response is that I'm disappointed in Mike's knowledge of the Avatar franchise. Is he a true fan if he thinks that Pandora is a world, and it's actually a MOON? What a loser.
-Via Facebook from sister Jen, that was passed from a friend. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Japan's first "complaints choir" !
It's a little long, I know, but man. Hearing complaints from the corporate hordes of Japan in sung form is priceless.
-Via TXT from JMill, when I was trying to get my ski pants to her when she was going snowboarding:
I dont care about methods i just want in your pants
Anybody who knows JMill knows that she is -- um, not verbally inhibited. But this is really just a running innuendo joke from the first time that she needed to borrow my ski pants.
OH, and why not add one more memorable quote from JMill -- it's actually sound life advice -- that she used on Casey after she won our friends college football bowl pick 'em, and Case was making excuses (albeit legitimate ones):
excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure
There is much this week that left me speechless. Thanks to all for keeping me entertained throughout with digital correspondence. Alright, let's do this:
-Via Gchat from Banker, in the spirit of the Halloween season (from here):
Wow. That pumpkin must have been coming off of a 'roids cycle and got his dual decapitating/skinning RAGE ON. I have no words.
-Via Email from JMill, whose coworkers are growing mustaches for cancer, and sending around pictures of ones that they randomly find on the internet. This one is UNbelievable:
Mike M, one of the most well-spoken individuals I know, could only muster the following in reply to the email:
Sweet Mercy... words cannot express...
Quite frankly, words failed me as well. Much like we experience the loss of fine motor skills when encountering a shock or trauma, my higher thinking and reasoning also came to a screeching halt upon seeing this photo. But while my verbal capacities may have had a temporary Expression FAIL at the horrifying sight of someone who has grown a continuous strand of hair from his upper lip down to ANDaround his nipples, my basic instincts still knew what to do when confronted with something grotesque: conjure up a strong and uncontrollable urge to vomit.
And not just in a "threw up a bit in my mouth" sense -- it was more in the I JUST TRIED TO DRINK A GALLON OF MILK PLEASE HOLD MY HAIR BACK WHILST I SHARE FACETIME WITH THE TOILET FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT sort of sense.
Or, if you are more of a visual learner:
You get the gist.
-Via Google Reader, I found an article and amazing video clip about "The Today Show." But first, I want to remind you of something. Remember this side-by-side picture of my 3-year old self?
What's the connection, you're wondering? Well, "The Today Show" did its annual Halloween segment and they hired a few people to dress up in Ewok costumes. According to the author of the article, a friend who works for the show said this:
“For what it’s worth, a friend who works at the Today Show confirms that they were both midgets and drunk.”
The clip is well-worth the watch if you have the time. But here's my question: Where were auditions for this segment 20 years ago? I could have been a DRUNK EWOK:
-Via Email from Saree; I will provide the headline and leading paragraph of the article:
Bear Kills Militants in Kashmir
A Bear killed militants after discovering them in its den in Indian-administered Kashmir, police say.
Chalk one up for Jack Bauer's CTU. As soon as I finished reading the article, I started visualizing how it went down for the two victims, Qaiser and Saifullah:
(Nighttime. Qaiser and Saifullah, exhausted, approach a cave in the darkness) Q: Saifullah, this will be our refuge tonight. S: Are you sure, Qaiser? There are bones everywhere. I do not trust it. Q: It is fine. Keep your AK-47 ready.
(The two sit down, backs to the mouth of the cave. It is silent for a few minutes. Crickets chirp outside) Q: Saifullah, is your beard darker, or is it darkness? S: *chuckles* I actually started using some of the westerners facial hair product "Just For Men" to remove the white from my beard. My wife says it makes me more appealing. Q: I do not need such western abomination fakeness to impress women. Women say I am handsome; that I look like the Iraqi Sayid on the American show 'LOST.' S: I hate that show. They only leave questions unanswered. What is the black smoke? Where did the white bears come from? And why don't Jack and Kate just get together? Q: Bah. Jack and Kate? Sawyer is much better for Kate. It is obvious. And they're called "polar" bears. Guess what I found out, though? I was on the internets and found out that Sayid is not even Iraqi. He is of Indian descent!
S: Disgusting. I can no longer like him.
(Twigs snap in the forest outside of the cave. Some growling is heard) S: *fearful look on his face* Qaiser! Did you hear that? I think something is outside. Q: *stroking his beard* Nonsense. S: I am of seriousness, Qaiser! Q: *chuckling derisively* You worry too much. Do you think there are polar bears outside? Like in 'LOST'?? AHAHAHA. I laugh at your foolishness, Saifullah.
(900-lb bear bursts in, commences mauling and bone-crunching of Saifullah and Qaiser. Roll credits)
DC Highlights. As always, no editorial intervention:
--Via Facebook from Chunk. Remember his roommate situation that was doomed to fail like Crystal Pepsi? I got an update with a few details. Not much, really -- but perhaps it's better that way:
it's on my wall Josh D. Let's just say I wasn't keen on the idea of sleeping in the same bed or sharing clothes. Oh yeah, remember that pic I showed you? Turns out what we thought was a glass-eye was just a terrible lazy-eye
--Via Chat with Josh M.
Me: So, question for you. What do you do when someone you don't know that well introduces you to a third person with: "I think you two should be good friends" ? Josh M: You punch them in the nards and tell them that it will never happen again.
Josh M's affinity for all things groin-shot related continues. But again, who can blame him? Like I said: Never not funny. Sidenote: The preferred fallback violent act in my book is always the headbutt or throwing the person through a window.
--Via Blog Comment from Barb re: the Bryan Adams-Sting-Rod Stewart music video:
Well, now I'm strangely attracted to Bryan Adams. Your fault. I hate frilly blouses more than ever. Your fault---and Rod's. And I still have only apathetic feeling directed towards Sting.
To each their own, I say, but the mutual consensus on the east coast here is that Sting is the least stupid of the three. If you watch the video closely, Sting is trying to distance himself physically from the other two. Too bad he didn't do that prior to making the video...
--Via Chat with Jess P, regarding the same music video:
i don't know what's worse, the actual video or the fact that i did, indeed, sit here and watch the whole thing
<--- ashamed
Couldn't have said it better myself, Jess. True savoir faire.
Here's an unintentional comedy clip I got from Bill Simmons. What an ending to a movie!
Digital Correspondence continues. Seems like I'll continue getting enough material to continue doing this semi-consistently. I probably think my friends' stories are funnier than they actually are -- but whatever. As always, I have made no editorial intervention.
--Via picture TXT, White Josh sent this to me:
I am emailing you the most awesome japa-perm ever:
He's some dude Josh used to see at his work cafeteria. I would like to think the resemblance is negligible, but my guess is that Josh -- either subconsciously or not -- sent this to me because he thought there was some slight similarities. I suppose I shouldn't be insulted that I get sent pictures like this. I deserve it.
--Via TXT, from DJA and AM, respectively. Some background to follow the quotes:
Lets make it aaalll for love and... damn you jd i cant get it out of my head!
Guess which song was in my head when i woke up this morning? rod stewart wont leave me alone.
Background: The 1993 Three Musketeers (a movie that has NOT aged well; see: Keith Richards. Holy hell. The man should be a spokesman for the ill-effects of alcohol poisoning) had the hit song "All For Love" sung by Rod Stewart, Bryan Adams, and Sting. On the extreme off-chance that you have the DVD, there is an absolute gem in the "Extra Features" section -- the "All For Love" music video. There are no words to describe the unintentional comedy here. (highlights if you don't have time for the whole thing: 0:42, 1:00, 1:50, 2:03, 2:45, 2:59, 3:11)
All three singers are great, but Rod Stewart is the undisputed all-star of the video. In the works, of course, is a reenactment for a talent show. By outright consensus, DJA will be playing Rod Stewart. I threw together some "concept artwork" for you:
You can thank me later.
--Via Facebook wall post from Chunk:
You'll be disappointed to find out that I moved out of the lomilomi house after being there less than 24 hours.
Lomilomi is Hawaiian for massage. In a desperate search for grad school housing in Hawaii, Chunk turned to Craigslist. He found a single, 40-year old male masseuse with a glass eye, who added in an email that "free massages are a perk for roommates." Whether the "offer" was serious or not is still up in the air, but I joked with Chunk that he would be out of there sooner than he would think. I had no idea I would be so accurate in my prescience.
Read more...
Um, I'm going to need some clarification here. (apologies in advance -- this will be a hyperlink-heavy post)
I know that Ron Artest, of "The Malice in the Palace" fame, is an odd duck. His interviews are off the charts when it comes to unintentional comedy, as are his rap albums.
I also acknowledge that the NBA is a completely unfamiliar world to me. There are things that I will never understand about it.
But this CBS Sports article about how Artest ended up with the Lakers is...
...well, just read an excerpt:
Kobe said that after the Lakers lost game six of the '08 NBA Finals in Boston by 39 points, he was alone in the shower, just fuming. He heard somebody walk in and assumed it was one of his teammates, or maybe a staff member. Instead, he looked up, and it was Ron Artest (to this day, Kobe has no idea how Artest got into the locker room).
"I want to come help you," Artest said. "If I can, I'm going to find a way to come to LA and give you the help you need to win a title." (emphasis added)
Does this strike anybody else as a bit...strange? I understand that interactions in men's locker rooms don't exactly follow the established societal norms outside of them, but can you spell homoerotic? (of course you can. I just typed it for you. Dammit.)
I suppose that if the Lakers win (heaven forbid...my Lakers bandwagon-jumping coworkers will be insufferable), some film-maker could capitalize on the occasion and make a documentary about it, and wouldn't even have to film new footage. Here's the immediate visual -- from the waist up, of course -- that came to mind when I read the story: Take the scene from Batman Begins where Bale gets tossed into solitary confinement, Liam Neeson comes out of the shadows, and promises to help him overcome his fears and to become "legend."
It would be perfect. The only requisite tweaks would need to be Bale naked and showering (easy ladies, get a hold of yourselves) and Neeson having to shave some sort of crazy pattern into the side of his head.
