A Beasties' Education

“We be gettin' stupid in your area / Causin' all kinds of hysteria / My beats is sick like malaria” -- this is pure lyrical genius. And no, you guessed wrong: it's not Keats.

AdRock's the screamer. Mike D's the nasally one. MCA is cool, calm, collected. They're three white boys from New York City that proved they could drop beats and rhymes with the best of 'em.

I have their five major albums, as well as their new instrumental CD. I have two of their DVD's -- "The Beastie Boys' Video Anthology" and "Awesome, I Shot That!" -- and I consider them two of the most prized in my collection. I was ready to go to their concert in 2000 when they were touring with Rage Against the Machine, but Mike D broke his collarbone riding home from work on his bike, so the tour was canceled. I was found sobbing in the corner of a shower stall sobbing, if my pain-clouded memory serves me correctly.

Me and my best friend in high school would karaoke and record ourselves at least once a week. We bought the same type of orange jumpsuits that the Beasties performed in one concert and wore them to school dances. We held serious roundtable discussions about which of the "Big 5" albums is the Beasties' best (I still say "Ill Communication", with "Paul's Boutique" a close second) -- I'm talking about dissertations being produced here, people.

It sounds sad, but the Beastie Boys have played a semi-major role in my upbringing. In light of all of this, I present to you a non-exhaustive list of things the Beasties have taught me, that I might not have learned otherwise (with proper citations to songs in parentheses):

1. French phrases, such as creme de la creme ("Body Movin' ") and savoir faire ("Sure Shot"). Keep in mind this in no way means I like the French. They are still cigarette-smoking pansies.

2. You can earn 11 points in Boggle for the word 'quagmire' ("Putting Shame in Your Game"):
"I am the king of Boggle, there is none higher,
I gets eleven points for the word 'quagmire'"

3. People such as Eddie Harris ("So Whatcha' Want"), Rod Carew ("Sure Shot") and Jimmy Vaughn (“Pass the Mic”) would have remained unknowns to me.

4. In the tradition of the great Japanese poets, writing about your travels in verse can still be great (“High Plains Drifter” and “Paul Revere”); I suppose where they diverge is that the Boys mostly rap about robbing people and stealing your girl from you. I didn't catch anything like that when I read Basho's haikus, but it could have been "between the lines."

5. Road trips are and always will be sweet (“No Sleep ‘Til Brooklyn”)

6. Civil protests for a good cause are still encouraged. (“Fight For Your Right”)

7. It’s okay to brag about your wardrobe (“Shadrach”):
“…[I've got] more Adidas sneakers than a plumbers got pliers,
Got more suits than Jacoby & Meyers”

8. This may not be a good thing, but I've learned obscure marijuana references: sinsemilla ("Sounds of Science")

9. Is there a better music video than "Sabotage" ?

10. Loyalty ("The New Style"):
"Stepped into the party, the place was overpacked--
Saw the guy that dissed my homeboy, shot him in the back"

11. Long-distance relationships are tough ("High Plains Drifter"):
"A long distance from my girl and I'm talkin' on the cellular,
She said that she was sorry, and I said 'Yeah the hell you were'

12. It's literary to turn colloquial phrases into a play on words ("The Maestro"):
"...I am all that,
And I see you lookin' at me, saying: 'How can he be so skinny, and live so fat?' "

13. Most importantly: Don't take yourself too seriously and enjoy life.