Letter to Celebrity

Dear Mr. Indecisive / Insecure / Some Possible Combination of Both,

Alright. I've had enough of this and it needs to stop. Right now.

I admit from the outset that you will be worth more money than I can imagine -- according to Wikipedia your net worth is $300+ million...but for all we know you could have edited that entry yourself -- so you will always be able to rub that in my face. Point conceded.

(Okay, maybe amidst your hectic schedule of stealing samples and riffs from artists with original talent you wouldn't take the time to rub it in personally, but I'm sure you could get your 300lb bodyguards to beat it into me)

I can even say I sympathize with your situation to a certain extent. At one point you were an emerging musical artist and needed to distinguish yourself. You needed a performing name that would create a persona and mystique about you that would set you apart from all of the other chumps.

So then you came up with a recording name: "Puff Daddy."

Sorry to get hung up on semantics, but... Is it just me, or when you play word association with the word "puff," isn't "cream puff" the first thing that comes to mind? Or at least something that is soft, fluffy, and lacking in substance? Maybe it's just me. But it really doesn't convey the "bad boy" image you were probably going for.

So then you started complicating things by making sure that it was publicly announced you were changing your name to P.Diddy. Then, to simplify things for us who have trouble with the alphabet, you dropped the 'P', leaving just Diddy. (Very gracious of you, by the way). WHO / WHAT/ WHEN / WHERE / WHY IS 'DIDDY'?!? I have no idea.

Think of all the wasted "Puff Daddy" pre-printed letterheads. I can't imagine your confusion when signing checks after changing names; I know my sisters had a tough time after they got married, and they only had to change their last name--once!

And now that you're looking to get into acting, you want to be called by your real name: Sean Combs. Sean's a good name. I say stick with it and save your publicist, the mailman, or anybody else that might associate you with your name, the headache.

Your unadoring non-fan,
JD

PS Any clarification, ie significance of your chosen names, would be enlightening. I am in Japan for work, and tonight it's raining, so I'm bored out of my mind.