Beasties Bracketology

Disputes and disagreements have always been a part of human history, and will continue to be.

As for the best way of settling those disputes -- well, everyone has an opinion, and that is dictated by a combination of factors: religion, education, nationality, occupation. It's a long list.

For example, you ask a surfer how to settle a disagreement, he'll say to "chill, brah" and then burn down a joint. A baseball manager will tell you that throwing a tantrum involving, but not limited to, the following actions will solve things: Kicking dirt; yelling angry stuff two inches from an umpire's face; taking a tazer to said umpire once his back is turned (my philosophy: strike first, ask questions later). And then, if you could ask him I'm sure Aaron Burr would have told you a good ol' fashioned pistol duel; Alexander Hamilton also seemed to be of the same opinion until he had a lead ball stuck in his chest. Anyway, you get the idea.

I have a discovered a foolproof way of resolving disagreements: Brackets. Maybe the 100 Years' War wouldn't have lasted so long if they'd sat down hashed things out, bracket-style. Who knows.

I bring this up because after three weeks and 171 emails of vigorous debate, Boyer, Jay Z, J2K and I have settled the mother of all disputes -- the greatest Beastie Boys' song ever -- via a 64-song tournament bracket. You all care, I know. The winner: Shadrach, a lesser-known song from an even lesser-known album called Paul's Boutique.

Eventually reaching that consensus was much harder than any of us ever imagined it would be. At the outset, none of us knew what we were in for. Had I known, I would have given some deep, profound pre-tourney pep-talk, channeling Friday Night Lights: "We will be tested. We will be tested to our very souls."

Granted, Coach Taylor said the above in the context of his star quarterback having just suffered a paralyzing injury, but whatever.

See, the tournament presented no clear-cuts, no black v. white, no right v. wrong -- just awesome v. awesome. Every single matchup featured two songs that we grew up loving, so pitting them against each other and having to pick a winner between them created intense internal conflict -- like that scene in Spartacus when Spartacus and Antoninus are forced to duel each other to the death. Both are guys you like and you don't WANT to cheer for a winner, because that also means there will be a loser.

Having to pick only one to come out of it alive twisted us all up in knots. Kept us up at night. Found us crouched in the corner of the shower, weeping because we'd never been so lost and conflicted in our lives.

But we pushed on. And here is the end product; our finalized bracket (click to enlargin'):

I will be making a commemorative CD featuring the tournament's final 16 songs. Let me know if you're interested in having a copy.

And now, some testimonials from the participants.

Boyer:

Quite the undertaking we all got on board for...I don't think anyone (certainly not myself) thought things would be this massive or this involved... Perhaps this is a life lesson about our place in the universe and the value in futility. The Beasties still teach us things about ourselves to this day.

Jay Z:

Having recently completed my role as a voter in the greatest musical tournament of all time, I have a few reflections.  I learned more about the Beastie Boys, as well as myself, than I thought possible.

J2K was unavailable for comment, as he is currently planning the massive corporate takeover of yet another company, Donald Trump-style, only he's doing it with better hair.


Sending you off with the greatest music video ever. Enjoy, and be safe over your Halloween weekend.

Read more...

Weekly Selects #11

Back in the saddle with some D.C. from the past week or so:


-Via Facebook from Jenny P and Nartker, respectively, regarding the growth that is my hair:

I'm more concerned that your hair is going to make your marathon time 5 minutes slower at least...


That is some serious salad Josh. . . I'll be able to draft behind that thing during the marathon. . . I like it.

As mentioned before, I am of the firm belief that my hair is sentient, so I think it's just glad that it's still a topic of conversation. Large hair has needs, too, ya know.

-Via Email from AG, a rather hilarious article titled the "Brocyclopedia" defining the term "bro." An excerpt:

Brosephs are best known for taking bro-like behavior to its extremes. For example, while the wearing of a backward visor is a strong indication of a bro, a broseph may be identified by wearing a visor backwards and upside down.

-Via Email from Saree, which I found to be related to Jay's nascent crusade against my people:

 Honestly, I can't argue with that. Now hanging in my cubicle at work.

-Via Gchat from Banker, a proud Philly native and staunch Phillies fan, who just sent me the URL to this article. The gist: A Philly woman offering sex for World Series tickets.

Now, Banker never actually expressed pride or disgust at his fellow Philadelphian, so the jury is still out on how he feels about it.

-Via Email from cousin Mei Mei, who is hosting a Mac & Cheese contest this coming Sunday, where we will all make and bring our own homemade dishes to enter into competition. She was throwing out suggestions on a prize for the winner:

we could smear all the mac and cheese down a slip and slide, winner gets first slide.

Disgusting, yes, but you know you'd watch a YouTube video of it. It is likely that the real disgusting thing will be whatever I concoct for said contest, considering I have no competency in the mac&cheese department, and will likely conjure up some blob-mass that will be indistinguishable from The Swamp Thing, hardened caulking, or some sordid combination of both.

Read more...

The Squirrel Sign -- Photo of the Week 26 Oct 2009

Remember the squirrel that somehow got stuck in our wall, and kept us awake by clawing all the time? Probably not. Anyway. Squirrel stuck in the wall.

I wasn't here for it last year but Josh M says something similar happened, and that after a week or two the clawing stopped because, well -- because the little dude died. The real problem arose when management -- oblivious to the well-established fact that unburied corpses tend to reek -- took forever to come bust the wall open and take him away.

Well, our most recent squirrel stopped moving a week or so ago. Now this sign is taped to that same wall.

Maybe it's some annual thing the squirrels have decided to do? Probably not. We have annual things we do, but those are called holidays, and usually involve less mortalities and more celebration, I believe.

Management hasn't come yet. Nor has the stench. Yet.

Coincidentally, I just did a Ghost Tour up in Gettysburg, learning about places haunted by previous inhabitants who died in their homes, on battlefields, etc. I just hope the spirits of the dead squirrels don't permanently haunt the place. This approximates my worst-case scenario:

Yup. You guessed right. The feared Clown-Squirrel.


Happy Monday, all. Good to be back.

Read more...

Short Hiatus

RoSA Readers-

Am out for the week sans access to the internets.

See you in a week.

-JD

Read more...

Weekly Selects #10

A few ridiculous products to be plugged this week. I feel like I sold out to the home shopping network or something.

-Via Email from Josh M, who found this in SkyMall magazine on a planeride home:

i came across this gem on the airplane

THAT'S RIGHT, my friends! BODY FIGURE ENHANCING PADS! From the ad: "Just place them inside your pants or undergarments to create extra curves instantly...they adapt to body temp and mold to body shape. They stay put even when dancing or exercising."

This is pathetic. Everyone these days wants a quick fix. If you want to put some real curves on (in? What's the proper preposition here?) your butt, I suggest double-fisting donuts every half hour, washing down with undiluted egg nog. Repeat said pattern for at least a two week period, all whilst keeping yourself sedentary by watching every possible Law & Order rerun that NBC and TNT have to offer -- basically what we're going for here is eating like a voracious pregnant lady while slowing your metabolism to a molasses. like. crawl -- and you've got yourself a formula for a figure that will "stay put" in spite of all your "dancing or exercising."

-Via Email from Jay, who I'm convinced is on some private crusade against the Japanese. He likes to send articles describing some ridiculous Japanese product and make me defend them:

Josh,
You need to speak up for your countrymen again...

This particular treasure was a Japanese suit that is resistant to the swine flu. I honestly don't see what there is to defend here. Looking professional while warding off illness? It's not only feasible, it is an act of civil service by stopping a pandemic cold in its tracks.

I think Jay feels the Japanese contribute little to the international community besides ridiculousness -- efficient and technologically-advanced ridiculousness. But ridiculousness, nonetheless.

Look. The Japanese have plenty to offer. How 'bout you consider upon these contributions, Jay: Allowing a warrior class to rule an impoverished peasant class for centuries; sneak attacks that forever live in infamy, escalate world wars, AND further complicate a cliched love-triangle between Kate Beckinsale, Josh Hartnett, and Ben Affleck; beating baby seals; hunting whales to near-extinction; Godzilla. Yo, we own these things, son.

...Actually, on second thought...Let's just stick with the easy answers: Hondas, the Wii, and camera lenses.

-Via Google Reader, just to further emphasize Jay's point. This is a show that tries to make people have the "best" panicked face. Someone should go to jail for this. Is this even funny?



Someone needs to go to jail, methinks.

Read more...

Karatist Preacher! -- Photo of the Week 12 Oct 2009

JMill sent me a PDF labeled "The Worst Album Covers Ever." This was one of the many.

Now, God gives all of us many talents, but I think this guy may have been favored a bit:

A preacher that does karate AND has musical talent? My head just exploded.


Happy Columbus Day. Still haven't decided what I'm going to do with my least significant holiday of the year.

Read more...

Weekly Selects #9

This week featured a handful. Enjoy

-Via TXT from White Josh; while watching a session of our church's worldwide General Conference in which the speaker, a man of the Asian persuasion, Korean flavor, spoke about some men whom he knew when they were young and "rowdy." After the speaker threw up a picture of them, Josh sent:

That was the aewesomest picture of asian bad a's i have ever seen !!!!!

Don't worry; I hunted down a still capture of the photo:


I need some pleated jeans and a sleeveless t-shirt.

-Via IM with Josh M, when I pointed out that one morning I heard the squirrels that have invaded the walls of our apartment:

you should have captured them and THROWN THEM ON THE GROUND

This, of course, was based on an SNL music video we saw last Saturday. Its connection with coherence, much like Lindsay Lohan and sobriety, is tenuous at best -- in honesty, absolutely non-existent. But I suppose therein lies the hilarity:



Whenever something frustrates me now, I see the object in my mind's eye slamming into the ground in slo-mo. Granted, the slow-motion filming of a squirrel being thrown to the ground would be excessively graphic, like watching a Michael Vick-hosted documentary on the torture methods of the Spanish Inquisition, and would no doubt elicit some sort of inane lawsuit from PETA. At the very least it would get their celebrity spokesmen to strip naked in some form of ineffectual protest.

-Via Email from DougC, whom I wanted to guest blog but is working like a slave and has no time. With regards to an important test results he is awaiting, he petitioned:

Maybe if you have a ancient Japanese ritual you could perform on my behalf it would help...or if nothing else a Mormon-style prayer.

It's rare that someone places enough faith in me to importune my help with something that actually matters, so consider it done, Doug: Incense sticks have been lit, ancestors have been importuned, stomachs have been slit. You get the idea.

-Via Email link from JMill, to this article:

Some dude made a coffee table based on an NES controller -- nerdy, right? Well, dig deeper into the story's goldmine of dweebdom, you'll discover the bonus: The controller is fully functional. This reminds me of back when my old roommates, Jay and Johnny, had a multi-week de facto pissing contest via Contra proxy. They were competing to see who could beat the game in the least amount of time. Good luck entering the 30-life bonus code with this size controller.

Read more...

Shoe Retirement -- Photo of the Week 5 Oct 2009

It's a sad day for my first pair of running shoes. After more than 1,000 miles (slightly past the recommended 300 for a pair), they're getting retired and replaced by a nice shiny new pair.

So, while these put in all of the hard work (I will label them my "Michael Jordans"):

These will be running the 26.2 and receiving all of the glory:

I will be calling these my Phil Jacksons; riding the coattails of harder workers to success. Zing, Phil. Zing.



Happy Monday, everyone.

Read more...

Weekly Selects #8

And the DC just keeps on rolling...

-Via Email from Coach, after I recorded a long Saturday run in my running log:

great work today. i was moved nearly to tears while reading your log. you met the beast face to face and you slew the freakin thing.

My recording of things like mile splits, mid-run nutrition, and how my knees felt is apparently poignant enough to be semi-poetic.

-Via Email from Ben, who's email account got hacked and started sending Spam:

Subj: EXCTING OPERTUNTY!!

Dear Denizen of my inbox,

Many of you have inquired as to the nature of some emails you received earlier today from my gmail account. You may have thought that I (and you) were the victims of a virus that sent an email to everyone in my inbox.

That would be incorrect. I have actually started an upstart dotcom company selling cheap knockoff electronics. Please order with confidence from the link you received earlier and I guarantee your satisfaction!

Ahhh, what is happening? The gmail virus added that last line!

It's a virus. Run away.

Sincerely,

Ben

By the way, a virus hijacks my email account and I hear from dozens of you. It was nice. I'm thinking of doing something similar at least monthly.

-Via Email from Case, planning for his lack of marathon preparation:

it looks like the race ends at 3:30pm. That only gives me 8.5hrs to finish. Is that doable?

Let me make it clear: If anybody is going to finish a marathon with no training, it is Casey. As for the post-race condition of his legs, his ability to pick up and carry his son, and getting on and off things like the couch and his toilet in the weeks following said marathon? Well...

-Via TXT from Nartker, as follow-up to the competitive eating instructions he sought last week. I guess he ordered the burger that he is scheduled to eat in order to do some advanced scouting; you know, get a feel for the beast. Based on his accounts, he didn't come close to finishing it, and ended up disliking the taste of meat (hopefully temporarily):

And Nartker doesn't have small-person pygmy hands, either -- he's a man! (although he is not 40, it would be funny if his post-eating contest press conference went something like Mike Gundy's... 2:20-mark if you are short on time)

Read more...