Weekly Selects #10

A few ridiculous products to be plugged this week. I feel like I sold out to the home shopping network or something.

-Via Email from Josh M, who found this in SkyMall magazine on a planeride home:

i came across this gem on the airplane

THAT'S RIGHT, my friends! BODY FIGURE ENHANCING PADS! From the ad: "Just place them inside your pants or undergarments to create extra curves instantly...they adapt to body temp and mold to body shape. They stay put even when dancing or exercising."

This is pathetic. Everyone these days wants a quick fix. If you want to put some real curves on (in? What's the proper preposition here?) your butt, I suggest double-fisting donuts every half hour, washing down with undiluted egg nog. Repeat said pattern for at least a two week period, all whilst keeping yourself sedentary by watching every possible Law & Order rerun that NBC and TNT have to offer -- basically what we're going for here is eating like a voracious pregnant lady while slowing your metabolism to a molasses. like. crawl -- and you've got yourself a formula for a figure that will "stay put" in spite of all your "dancing or exercising."

-Via Email from Jay, who I'm convinced is on some private crusade against the Japanese. He likes to send articles describing some ridiculous Japanese product and make me defend them:

Josh,
You need to speak up for your countrymen again...

This particular treasure was a Japanese suit that is resistant to the swine flu. I honestly don't see what there is to defend here. Looking professional while warding off illness? It's not only feasible, it is an act of civil service by stopping a pandemic cold in its tracks.

I think Jay feels the Japanese contribute little to the international community besides ridiculousness -- efficient and technologically-advanced ridiculousness. But ridiculousness, nonetheless.

Look. The Japanese have plenty to offer. How 'bout you consider upon these contributions, Jay: Allowing a warrior class to rule an impoverished peasant class for centuries; sneak attacks that forever live in infamy, escalate world wars, AND further complicate a cliched love-triangle between Kate Beckinsale, Josh Hartnett, and Ben Affleck; beating baby seals; hunting whales to near-extinction; Godzilla. Yo, we own these things, son.

...Actually, on second thought...Let's just stick with the easy answers: Hondas, the Wii, and camera lenses.

-Via Google Reader, just to further emphasize Jay's point. This is a show that tries to make people have the "best" panicked face. Someone should go to jail for this. Is this even funny?



Someone needs to go to jail, methinks.