"I'm a Moron" Series - Part 1: Secret Santa

You ever have those moments in life when you just have to nod your head dejectedly and admit: "Yes, I am a moron"? I do. Probably more often than I would like to admit.

I really wanted to make this a single, isolated posting, but I soon realized that even though I don't plan on making a habit out of it, there will definitely be more than just one of these moments in my life; hence, the start of the Series that will be posted about sporadically.

Commence self-deprecation:

So my church continues a great tradition every year by adopting a needy family to give gifts to. I received a mass email a couple of weeks back asking for volunteers to deliver the gifts; apparently this year they wanted to do a Secret Santa/"12 days of Christmas" theme. I volunteered. Simple enough, right? Deliver some gifts. Feel good. End of story.

The problem with me is that I skim emails, and this time I missed the operative word: Secret.

Well, the rest of the story is something along the lines of me going with a friend to drop off the presents, knocking on the door, waiting for them to answer (the exact opposite of running away undetected), getting invited in, handing the family the presents, learning their names, etc etc.

Moral of the story? Well, for one, read your emails. Sometimes words have meaning.

But the real lesson here is just don't be an idiot.

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The Theoretical 5-Disc DVD Changer Scenario -- Answers

Well, the jury's been out for a bit, and not too many participants, but you guys did pretty well... Here are the movies, in no particular order.

		Batman Begins: I realized lately that whenever people asked me what I was doing ‘tonight’ I kept saying “It feels like a Batman Begins night.” And this was not over the course of a few random days in a 3 or 4 month span; this was for about 3 or 4 consecutive weekends. After the spiraling debacle that the Batman franchise became in the movies following -- well, the original -- the storytelling here, especially the way in which the writers profiled and developed the Batman / Bruce Wayne character by using flashbacks while simultaneously telling the present story, is impeccable.
		The Bourne Ultimatum: Chances are that even though I will be living in a nuclear wasteland, there will be some sort of government, and chances are that government will be out to get me. What better way to learn to elude capture and not get the least bit flustered doing it than watching Matt Damon do it to the CIA in this masterpiece?
		Dodgeball: This comedy is so over the top and quotable -- cameos from William Shatner, David Hasselhoff, Lance Armstrong AND Chuck Norris, make it priceless -- that it gets better every single time I see it. I’m pretty sure the idea of the inevitable onset of cancer thanks to the nuclear fallout would be a surefire means to depression; this would be a great way to lighten things up.
		Fellowship of the Ring: I’d need to have an epic movie of some sort, and this is my favorite of the LOTR trilogy. I watched this so many times with Rye and TME I’m sure they got sick of me pointing out every little bit of what I consider brilliant acting. Ian McKellan as Gandalf is great, but Sean Bean as Boromir steals the show. Plus, compared to the other movies, there is less Frodo-Sam “stuff” that makes Casey uncomfortable.
		Ocean’s Eleven: One word: Smooth. Okay, one more: Seamless. Of course I’m referring to the heist itself, but the dialogue and the exchanges between the characters -- both verbal and non-verbal -- are so fluid in this movie. Another movie that gets better each time I watch it. Plus, Brad Pitt’s character can show me how to dress like a male gigolo (Ocean’s 12 reference).

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Trailer Voiceovers Fulfilled: "Jason Bourne Comes Home"

December 11th had been on my calendar for about a month. No, I didn't have a niece/nephew scheduled to be born on that day. No raise at work. The Bourne Ultimatum was coming out on DVD. Feel free to continue shaking your head and think typical, Josh...just typical.

So following work on Tuesday I found myself at Target, in the school supplies section of all places, under the pretense that I needed some colored pencils for my new sticks. It was really a ruse, as school supplies happened to be next to the electronics' section. I had told myself earlier in the week that I would wait for some Bourne Trilogy Box Set to come out so I could just get all the movies at once...

Before I knew it, I was standing in front of the display for the movie, chatting randomly with the people around me. They only have The Ultimatum? Hmm...I'll probably just wait for the Trilogy to come out. And I began to walk away.

Wait! I turn around. My eyes light up as a middle-aged Asian woman approaches me with a silvery box that reads: "The Jason Bourne Collection."

You can have this. It's the last one.
No, I couldn't...
No, really. We have the first two already, so I can just buy the last one by itself.
I can't do that. I said with feigned hesitation. Are you sur--? Okay, I'll take it.

Divine intervention? Probably not. Asian unity manifest in its truest form? That would be a resounding "Hell yes."

Upon getting home, in keeping with the spy-theme, I opened the case with a 4-inch Smith & Wesson knife that was on our TV -- for what I can only assume is for the robber who breaks into our apartment and needs a weapon with which to enforce his will on us -- tore the plastic off with knife-in-mouth (pirate-style) and opened the case with trembling hands. To find:

That's right. Apparently Jason Bourne, despite his incredible skills, is legally blind and needs a passport the size of his own head just so he can find it when he's digging around in his bag.

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The Theoretical 5-Disc DVD Changer Scenario -- Intro

The other day, some friends and I were discussing how lazy we've gotten, and the point of things some things; in this specific case, we were discussing the point of a 5-disc DVD changer. Is anyone really going to be in a situation where you will want to watch five movies consecutively, and not be in a position to be able to get up and change the discs after sitting on their butt for two hours?

I don't know why I'm writing about this. I guess it got us into an interesting discussion about which five movies we'd choose to keep in our changers if those were the only choices we were to have for the rest of our lives. And I know you're thinking of the exact same theoretical scenario that I am: If you were to know beforehand about a nuclear explosion that would wipe out everything except your TV, 5-disc changer, AV cables, electricity to your equipment (because these are all explosive-proof)...and, of course you and your remote (because in a post-apocalyptic world, you wouldn't want to get up to turn off the TV...that's just too much effort)...

Place the following in your comments:
1) Which five movies would I choose? (In case you think me egocentric, it is my blog, after all...)
2) Which five movies would you choose?

I know -- this turned into one of those email chain surveys you always see...

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