"I'm a Moron" Series - Part 2: Battlefield Earth Viewing

The Series has returned slightly more quickly than I would have liked. This one was caused partly out of curiosity -- that's right, PETA, the very thing that killed the cat -- and partly out of an unfulfilled obligation to a friend from high school.

It was the perfect storm. My sisters had purchased a Netflix subscription for me, giving me access to movies I that I normally wouldn't pay to rent; a leaked video of Tom Cruise being interviewed about Scientology had just come out; I had some free time after work during the week... All I needed was some courage to watch one of the reputedly worst movies of all time, based on an L. Ron Hubbard book: Battlefield Earth.

Friends have heard me throughout the years frequently use Battlefield Earth as a synonym for unbelievably bad or terrible -- not just for movies, but as a universal standard: "Dude, don't eat there. Their orange chicken is SO Battlefield Earth" or "Don't take his class. He is a Battlefield Earth professor" etc etc. You get the point. I figured if I was going to use it, I should at least see the movie.

Okay, well, first of all, that's a lie. I don't think I've ever used Battlefield Earth as an adjective. But I wish I had.

Alright, alright. I'm delaying the inevitable. Here's my review:

This is the absolute worst movie I've ever seen. I loathe it. I despise anybody who had anything to do with it -- this includes myself. Anybody who owns this movie should consider medication. Even sitting at the bottom of a landfill, this movie is a complete waste of space.

I'm sorry. You want a systemized review instead of my wrathful rants? Here you go:

• Dialogue? You know when dogs first meet each other and sniff each other’s butts? I consider this more intelligent and meaningful interaction than what they tried to pass as “dialogue” in this movie. (-3 stars)
• Plot? Blows. (-20 stars)
  
• Character Development? Characters were one-dimensional: HORRIBLE (I've given up on my arbitrary star system by this point)
  
• Entertainment Value? I'd rather walk through snow barefoot, step on a rusty nail, then get shot in the knee. What the hell. Make it both knees.
  
• Special Effects? I think King Kong -- the 1930's one -- had better special effects.
  
• Overall - I usually give at least a star for having made a movie, but this film's existence is actually working against it in this category as well.
  

I've reflected on what I could have done with the two hours I squandered. I could have been enjoying a nice meal, taking a nap, reading Ja Rule's autobiography, getting my foot run over by an 18-wheeler, drinking a gallon of curdled milk -- any of these myriad of options would have been a less painful... and, quite frankly, more productive use of my time.

Filling up my bathtub, getting in, and dropping an electric appliance in with me.

Sorry, ideas just keep coming to me.

I've made some mistakes in my life. I'll admit that. I think we like to take mistakes as lessons to learn from and try to move on.

There is nothing to be learned from this one, except: DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE.