Pre-Concert Checklist

I knew that to get the most out of my Beasties' concert experience and to guard against unforeseen contingencies, I needed to plan ahead. I made a pre-concert checklist; just to make sure I didn't miss anything. By 27 Oct, I must:

--As I am scheduled to work 28 Oct, place threatening and anonymous middle-of-the-night phone calls to co-workers until someone swaps shifts with me... check. This was the first attempt in my life at being intimidating, but I made sure my phone call verbiage contained phrases like "bottom of the river," "bust your head open," "broken kneecaps," and "say 'hi' to your mother for me." It worked. I got the day off.

--Go to a Halloween party donning large sunglasses, a 'fro wig, and bright orange jumpsuit a la Beasties 1998 tour, and bring the house down while rapping "So Whatcha' Want" on Rock Band II... check.

The megalomania that "Rock Band" brings
is unprecedented.

--Print Google Maps directions... check. I know many of you are saying: "Josh, you just bought a nice GPS;" and I'm saying: "Yeah, but what if China decides to shoot down some satellites that day? I'm not risking it."

--Find the correct person to take my second ticket... check. This was extremely important. It would be like picking the godfather for my firstborn child, minus the fact that I'm not Catholic. Regardless, I considered having people submit a 250-word essay outlining the reasons they should attend the concert with me...

...then I realized I'm ridiculous.

--Obtain forged prescription from a doctor for anti-anxiety pills and start treatment during the week preceding the 28th... still working on it.

So I guess the list remains a work in progress.

Now if only I could apply this kind of thorough preparation to things that matter, like, say, the food storage that my Church leaders have advocated for so long...

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Putting Chuck Norris in Perspective -- Photo of the Week 27 Oct 2008

I find the most random things when searching for photos to supplement other entries. I can't remember what sort of search keywords led me to this one.

With all of the hype that's been made of Chuck Norris in the Chuck Norris Facts, I figured this would serve as a nice reminder (although quoting God is a bit of a risky proposition). I love these readerboards outside of churches; they crack me up. I'm sure my friends who have lived down South for any period of time (Nartker? Anything off the top of your head?) can recall some amusing ones. I wonder what LDS chapels would do with them if we had them out in front of our buildings?

Remember how Chuck Norris was Mike Huckabee's biggest endorser for the Republican ticket? That was funny on a lot of levels.

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Signs? Coincidences?

Remember in Signs when a sober and pre-anti-Semitic version of Mel Gibson is talking to Joaquin Phoenix about how some people view events as "signs" or miracles and more than mere coincidence? In times of indecision, a lot of us look for the sign that will show us which is the correct decision to make.

I had one of those moments of indecision this past weekend.

Josh M (of the faux-stache) and Dave (of the beard) and I had planned to stay at a friend's place in Charlottesville, VA on Friday night and then head to Fayetteville, WV early Saturday morning to check out "Bridge Day" (more on this adventure later). As I am currently working a crappy work schedule, I was feeling exhausted Friday morning and told both of them I was wavering on going. Both of them tried to talk me into going. JoshM attacked via IM and Dave pounced via cellphone. A classic pincer attack.

Me: Man, I am not feeling good. These night shifts are killing me...I don't if I can handle this weekend.
JoshM: What?!? I gotta convince you to go.
Me: Good luck.
JoshM: Dude, did Dave tell you about the Elton John concert?
Me: The what??
JoshM: The guy we're staying with down in Charlottesville may have four tickets to the Elton John concert tonight.
Me: I don't know how to reply to that.
JoshM: Yeah, I know. Four guys going together to an Elton John concert is a little suspect. But I hear he puts on a pretty sweet show.
Me: Ech. I don't know how much Elton John I could handle.
JoshM: That's the thing. The tickets are free, so we can say we rubbed shoulders with some sissies and then bail if it's lame and not feel bad about it.
Me: I don't know if I want to be able to say I rubbed anything with anybody at an Elton John concert.

And so I remained unconvinced. Dave tried his best over the phone, but I still couldn't decide if I was up for it.

Then, it happened.

After I got off the phone with Dave I walked into the grocery store to buy some stuff. As I was going through the aisles, I realized that the music playing over the PA was "Rocket Man" -- an iconic Elton John song. This was my sign. Mel Gibson was right (about signs and miracles; NOT the Jews). And while Elton John would not be my first choice, I was meant to go on this road trip.

I called Dave on my way home to let him know I was in, and told him to call me when he was on his way to pick me up. He called a few hours later to let me know he was almost to my place:

"We're on our way. Oh yeah, dude...in the interests of full disclosure...we didn't get the Elton John tickets..."

I never thought I would be so crushed to miss an Elton John concert... But what about "Rocket Man" playing in the grocery store? What about my sign?

It's an absolute conspiracy, and I collectively blame Mel Gibson, Sir Elton John, and M. Night Shyamalan for my misfortune.

Reader: How do you explain this? What did the sign mean?

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The Story With the Charmin -- Photo of the Week 20 Oct 2008

A quick, secondhand story that kills me every time, and demonstrates the power of what my group of friends has come to term "the one-liner." Admittedly, I haven't actually heard this story directly from the horse's mouth (where did this idiom come from?), so the story could have gained stature of its own over time.

When he was younger, my Mission President worked security at Temple Square in Salt Lake City. One night, a man was harassing a couple, waving anti-Mormon literature at them, and becoming quite animated. My Mission President approached the man, stated that he was on private property, and told him that he should leave. The man waved some pamphlets in his face and yelled: "What do you think of this?!? What do you think of this??"

Without missing a beat, my Mission President calmly replied: "I prefer Charmin."

"What??"

"I prefer Charmin. It's softer and gentler on my butt."

The man stormed off in a rage.

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A (Hopefully) Fortunate Series of Events

Last week, it all changed. The ball started rolling when I checked my Gmail Inbox.

--The Initial Tip-Off:

That's a screenshot of my Gmail Inbox. Yes, I understand the disturbing implications of me having daily Google Alerts on anything about the Beastie Boys sent to my inbox. Get over it.

--The What:
--The Details:
Richmond Coliseum, Richmond, VA Tues, Oct 28 2008 7:00PM. I seem to remember Richmond having one of the higher homicide rates in the nation. I hope they've taken care of that by the time I get there. It's a "Get Out and Vote" concert, so I will likely get an earful of political propaganda, but I've endured much worse for much less.

Anyone who wishes to see me scream like a 14-year old girl at a Backstreet Boys concert, tickets may still be on sale at ticketmaster.com.


--The Unknown Variable:
How long is the Beasties' set going to be? How long are we going to have to suffer through listening to these other losers? Correction, "losers" may be a little harsh; Jack Johnson's music has a kicked back, all-I-want-to-do-is-surf-and-smoke-pot charm to it, and Norah Jones is good Sunday music. Aside from being attractive for a 46-year old (a "Diane Lane All-Star Team" member, according to Bill Simmons) and having dated Lance Armstrong at one point, I know nothing about Sheryl Crow. All I'm saying is this mix of artists has me nervous that the Boys are going to pull a George Washington (don't give me this "written in the Constitution" crap. I'm not buying it.) and step down to make room for lesser performers. I would prefer that they pull an FDR.

--The Possible Obstacle:
I'm scheduled to work that day; a 10am-10pm shift. I emailed my supervisors to let me swap shifts with someone for that day, but haven't heard back yet. I realize planning usually goes in the reverse order (ie make sure you can go and THEN buy the tickets), but if tickets got sold out because I was waiting to hear back on work schedules, I'm pretty sure I'd commit seppuku right then and there.

--The Context / Implications:

Until this week, life was an unsatisfying, burdensome, and hollow culmination of "life lessons," schooling, diplomas and degrees, working a real job, and relationships with friends and family.* The reason for this gaping abyss of unfulfillment that likely would have haunted me to my deathbed: I had yet to see the Beastie Boys in concert (see this entry for previous scarring attempts at attending a Beasties' concert), and based on their age, it seemed they would not tour again and my life would remain in the metaphorical toilet. This changes that. It was meant to be.

What I'm saying is as far as destiny and import are concerned, my attendance at this concert ranks somewhere between Frodo destroying the Ring and Luke Skywalker toppling the Emperor and the Dark Side.

Keep your fingers crossed that I can work my schedule out. If I don't, the mere fact that I had tickets at one point might serve as some sort of fulfillment for me.

Maybe.

*Relax, friends and family: I'm going for effect here.

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Asian Talent -- Photo of the Week 13 Oct 2008

Location: A freeway somewhere in CA or Nevada
Year: November 2005

Who says I don't have talent? When confronted with a box of leftover Chinese food and no utensils, I improvised some chopsticks: A ballpoint pen and a highlighter. I don't like to brag, but my own resourcefulness reminded me of Macgyver.

...'course, the argument could be made that despite my proficiency at multi-tasking, I lack the requisite common sense to stop me from doing all of this while also driving at 85 mph.

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Random Hobby #2 -- Ping-Pong

Feeling some guilt after attending the AAA Conference and realizing that my Asianness was probably wavering at a running-on-life-support 3 (it was all those summer BBQs; what a non-Asian activity), I needed to pick up something new in order to bolster my Asian half:

This is a picture of my ping-pong blade.

In response to your impending and incessant questioning:

"Yes,
...I just referred to my ping pong paddle as 'my blade.' It's proper terminology. Using 'paddle' and 'racket' automatically label you as a know-nothing wannabe.

...our blades have protective cases.

...it was custom-made in and brought back from China (thank you, Dave, for bringing it back -- I owe you any vital organ you stand in need of in the future). I may or may not claim that it contains carbon fiber / ancient magical powers...

...my fellow pongers and I have matching uniforms.

...I remove the plastic coverings from the paddle when I play, then replace them to preserve stickiness.

...my friends and I scoured craigslist for ping-pong tables, drove around the Washington Metropolitan Area to scout the quality of prospects, bought a table for $35, and now store it on the stage at our church.

...I have referred to ping-pong time as "our equivalent to the black man's barbershop." A huge appeal of our ponging is being able to sit around and talk about whatever, however we want. I guess the only drawback is that Ice Cube and Cedric the Entertainer aren't around to shoot the breeze with. The upside is that there will be no crappy sequel.

...I do bring my gym clothes with me everywhere, just on the off-chance I will need to suit up to play some pong.

...at any given time if you glance in my direction, you may see me swinging my arm in a methodical motion...that's right, practicing my swing...

...we know we take ourselves too seriously."

A quick illustration of how ridiculous we are. My buddy Dave and I were cleaning the inside of the church one Saturday morning. Bryan ("Banker") -- also a ponger, but who we didn't expect to see that morning -- comes storming into the church and gets a relieved look on his face when he sees us cleaning.

Banker says: "Man, I saw your guys' cars out in the parking lot and I thought: 'Those SOBs came to play without me!' I was so pissed!"

We're sort of intense. But you probably realized by now that me being intense about random things is pretty standard.

More stories to come on the ping-pong front, I'm sure.

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WNBA Lameness -- Photo of the Week 6 Oct 2008

Location: Verizon Center, Washington DC

Not to go all sexist on you, but...

I saw this banner hanging from the ceiling at the Verizon Center and had to take a picture. "Attendance Champions"? Really?? I don't think there is a stronger statement about the condition of the WNBA than having an award based on fan attendance.

Reminds me of the tactics they had at BYU to get people to attend women's basketball games. In order to get tickets to the biggest basketball game of the season -- the home BYU-Utah men's game -- you had to attend a women's game. Sad.

I can watch women play sports like soccer, volleyball, tennis, etc. But I think I'd rather repeatedly watch the torture scene from Casino Royale in slow motion than watch a WNBA game.

Women: Commence unrelenting tirades on my lack of sensitivity and my "outdated" thinking.

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My AAA Conference Report

I recently returned from the annual AAA (Asian-American Association) Conference. This year's theme was "Towards Homogeny -- A More United Front." They suggested that we take a couple of handouts home. I personally think the leadership of the AAA is getting a little uptight, but don't let them know that. They could revoke my membership.

The first handout was the "5A", or the Asian-American Association Approved Activities List, detailing the activities that are approved, non-approved, and pending approval as an Asian. Click the thumbnail below to view it.


The second list is a sort of "self-measuring" scale -- you can gauge your "Asian-ness" on the spectrum as compared to other Asians.

I thought this last handout was a little incomplete. I guess the remaining questions are: Who is missing, where would they rank, and why?

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