Playing For Keeps

I can totally relate to Manny Ramirez. Minus the $20mill/year contract, the dreadlocks, and taking of female fertility drugs.

The level I can connect with him on is a willingness to do anything to be more competitive at a sport.

See, my pong game had been slipping as of late, and I was consistently losing. I blamed it on temporary disruption of my chi that would shortly return, but I kept losing. My ancestors were rolling over in their graves at the disgrace that I had become.

So I decided that, like Jessica Simpson, whatever I lacked in talent and skill, I would make up for in appearance. I strapped a glove on my blade hand and prayed that this would serve as the catalyst for a turnaround in my pong fortunes.

Some Q&A from the 2 April post-game press conference where the glove was originally unveiled:

• Q: Did Banker start laughing so uncontrollably when he first saw the glove that he could barely get out: "Is that a football receiving glove?" ? A: Yes. Yes, he did.
• Q: Have you taken to calling yourself "The Glove" or "The Second Coming of Gary Payton"? A: Yes. Yes, I have.
  
• Q: Does anybody else? A: No, because no one else takes the thing seriously.
• Q: Have you taken to referring to yourself in the third-person? This seems like the kind of attention-grabbing stunt that an attention-deprived megalomaniac who refers to himself in the third-person would do. A: The Glove is still contemplating the merits of referring to himself in the third person.
  
• Q: Do you bear some resemblance to Michael Jackson now? With the one-glove thing? A: What? You think I'm stupid enough to compare myself in any way with Michael?
• Q: Probably. A: That's it. This press conference is over.
  

I was placed on a two-match suspension for golf club-smashing the car windshield of the reporter who asked the last question, but since my return I have been on a ping-pong tear.

Just remember, folks. I play for keeps.