Last Week Recap

--There are a lot of common, everyday catchphrases ("Love is a battlefield," "Payback is a b***h," "Battlefield Earth is a crime against humanity," etc). After spending five days with my nieces, I have a new one: "Parenthood is a negotiation." It has all of the elements: Bribery (Eat that one piece of broccoli and I'll let you eat a quart of ice cream). Threats (If you don't stop smashing the sides of your little sister's head with your cymbals, you can't watch Dora). And as a final resort: Shameless pleading. All part of parenting.

...except unlike a police negotiator, if you lose your patience, you can't fire tear gas and send in a SWAT team to take care of business for you. This places the immutable advantage in the hands of the children. They may lose some battles, but they will always win the war.

I suppose the glass-half-full perspective would be that any parent has the proper training to, if needed, take over as the head of a major crime family. Negotiation. Bribery. Coercion. Threats. Grovelling (if things go south). Sounds like a pretty good resume to me.

--Helped a friend assemble an IKEA chest-of-drawers in what she accurately labeled as a "battle of wits and skill against the Swedes." After the experience, I'm convinced that the Swedes can/will take a very simple process -- think preparing a bowl of cold cereal, or toasting a pop-tart -- and write a manual with such vague illustrations that it would confuse the hell out of anybody. IKEA's inability to provide clear instructions on assembling their furniture is mind-blowing. I felt like the Egyptologists must have before the discovery of the Rosetta Stone: I saw the pictures. I know the pictures were trying to convey something. I just had NO idea what it was. I realize I'm not a skilled handyman, but I'm not a handymoron, either. Thankfully, it came together -- I suppose time and use will tell if it was done correctly.

On top of which, has anybody seen these weird formless men in the instructions? What. The. Creep.

Moral of the story: Don't trust the Swedes. They were neutral during WWII; they don't see the sun for half the year, etc etc

--Ironic Happening: Driving home from NC, I came up behind a car with the license plate "ANGELIC." As I passed, I saw a frizzy-haired, plaid-shirted, tattooed woman taking a long drag from a cigarette. Look -- I'm all about irony -- but when I pass on, if I see seraphims chain-smoking Marlboro's, I'm peacin out. It's disgusting.

--New Fear: Women rugby players. Chalk it up with clowns and creepy children. Yeah, I dunno. Came up in a convo with DJA.