The BMW Fastfood Delivery -- Photo of the Week 31 Aug 2009

Admittedly, I didn't take this picture, but it's basically what I saw after lunch this past Friday. A man for a buffalo wings grill making deliveries in a swank BMW. Many of you know my affinity for FAIL Blog, so I declare this to be Living Within Your Means FAIL.

Also, let's throw in a Road Civility FAIL for good measure, as the dude flipped me the finger.


Happy Monday. Enjoy the week!

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The Addiction and Teacher That is Speed Scrabble

Thanks to a scarring game of Risk ("Ukraine is not weak!!") back in 2000 I tend to avoid board games; the exception, of course, being the occasional game of Mah-Jongg. Who doesn't want to place vital organs as collateral for a $10,000 bet every once in a while, am I right?? Anyway, regardless of my professed dislike for board games, I have recently become addicted to Speed Scrabble.

What's Speed Scrabble, you ask?

Speed Scrabble (SS) is to nerdy board-gamers what cocaine was to 80s celebrities: It is fast-paced, exhilarating, addictive, and the source of numerous unnatural nosebleeds. In the case of SS, the reason is either because the game got so intense participants came to fisticuffs, or the breakneck pace and overexertion from the game melted their brains. (***If you're bored enough to read the rules, I will put those at the bottom***)

Let's just leave the Speed Scrabble-Cocaine analogy there.

One friend, whom I will anonymize, put it this way:

This is utterly ridiculous to admit, but I dreamed about Speed Scrabble last night. I actually awoke to myself arranging words beginning with "q". Kinda weird.

Lessons Learned

SS has even taught me some valuable life lessons. The two that come most readily to mind are "pride cometh before the fall" and "those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."

Let me share a story that illustrates both. In the first game of what would become a 3-hour SS marathon, I came storming out of the blocks -- jumping out to a quick lead and catching my opponents at unawares. I foolishly declared:

"I guess you could call that my Pearl Harbor."

I guess it seemed like an apt analogy at the time, what with the quick strike and my Japanese heritage and all. For all of you not familiar with the Pacific Theater of WW2, however, here's the major problem with my poorly thought-out analogy: Japan LOST WW2! It was decimated!! Japan may have "won" Pearl Harbor, but even Admiral Yamamoto said afterward: "I fear all we have done is awakened a sleeping tiger." And he wasn't talking those pansy circus tigers that jump through hoops. He was talking the mean ones that want to tear your limbs off and eat you (avid PETA supporters being no exception). Pearl Harbor was really just the beginning of the end for Japan.

And so it was with me; my initial victory accomplished very little except to "awaken the tiger" (read: gave Mitch a reason to shut my gloating mouth up and decisively trounce me and everyone else under her feet). It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I doomed myself to suffer the same fate as the Empire did in WW2 because I declared victory too soon.

So, chalk one History Comparison FAIL for me. Sigh.


***Speed Scrabble Explained***
You lay all of the scrabble tiles facedown in the middle of the table, everyone takes seven, then tries to build their own set of words as quickly as possible, using all tiles. Once they have used the seven tiles in their own hand, they say "go" and everyone draws two from the pile and so on until all the tiles are used up. Then you count up points based on the points on each tile, subtracting points for the tiles left over.

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Weekly Selects #3

Digital Correspondence continues. Seems like I'll continue getting enough material to continue doing this semi-consistently. I probably think my friends' stories are funnier than they actually are -- but whatever. As always, I have made no editorial intervention.

--Via picture TXT, White Josh sent this to me:

I am emailing you the most awesome japa-perm ever:

He's some dude Josh used to see at his work cafeteria. I would like to think the resemblance is negligible, but my guess is that Josh -- either subconsciously or not -- sent this to me because he thought there was some slight similarities. I suppose I shouldn't be insulted that I get sent pictures like this. I deserve it.

--Via TXT, from DJA and AM, respectively. Some background to follow the quotes:

Lets make it aaalll for love and... damn you jd i cant get it out of my head!

Guess which song was in my head when i woke up this morning? rod stewart wont leave me alone.

Background: The 1993 Three Musketeers (a movie that has NOT aged well; see: Keith Richards. Holy hell. The man should be a spokesman for the ill-effects of alcohol poisoning) had the hit song "All For Love" sung by Rod Stewart, Bryan Adams, and Sting. On the extreme off-chance that you have the DVD, there is an absolute gem in the "Extra Features" section -- the "All For Love" music video. There are no words to describe the unintentional comedy here. (highlights if you don't have time for the whole thing: 0:42, 1:00, 1:50, 2:03, 2:45, 2:59, 3:11)



All three singers are great, but Rod Stewart is the undisputed all-star of the video. In the works, of course, is a reenactment for a talent show. By outright consensus, DJA will be playing Rod Stewart. I threw together some "concept artwork" for you:

You can thank me later.

--Via Facebook wall post from Chunk:

You'll be disappointed to find out that I moved out of the lomilomi house after being there less than 24 hours.

Lomilomi is Hawaiian for massage. In a desperate search for grad school housing in Hawaii, Chunk turned to Craigslist. He found a single, 40-year old male masseuse with a glass eye, who added in an email that "free massages are a perk for roommates." Whether the "offer" was serious or not is still up in the air, but I joked with Chunk that he would be out of there sooner than he would think. I had no idea I would be so accurate in my prescience.

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PotW Addition, Survey Results

Just some supplemental videos for the last two Photos of the Week.

C Dees found this clip from The Simpsons to enhance yesterday's PotW:



And, you guys voted on Bourne's best improvised weapon. The ball-point pen came in first:



Here were second (rolled up magazine) and third (hardbound book):

The Bourne Ultimatum - Bourne And Desh Fight

I personally chose the hardbound book-- C'mon! He beats the guy with a textbook. Well, regardless, I'm pretty sure Bourne could kill or seriously maim me with nothing but a coaster or a q-tip.

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Crotch Shot Humor -- Photo of the Week 24 Aug 2009

Call it juvenile, but some things never lose their humor:

Photo sent by Josh M.

I think Shaolin monks are known for their ability to tolerate enormous amounts of pain. Taking a Karate Kid-esque Flying Crane kick to the equipment would most definitely fall into that category. And based on the photo backdrop, I can only deduce that this is taking place in some Asian house of legislation, where instead of pounding a gavel or ringing a bell to begin new parliamentary sessions, the Speaker of the House commits an atrocity against a buddhist monk. Look at all the pent-up frustration in that lawmaker's face! There must be a testy piece of health care legislation on the debate docket.

My sister Jen asked me once why, as males, we laugh uproariously when a fellow man is struck in the man-area. Dodgeballs, fists, knees, wrenches... Any object hitting a man in the crotch with violent force -- for whatever inane reason -- is hilarious to us. Except, of course, if we're on the receiving end. In those cases, all we can muster is a weak yelp and collapse in nauseating pain. This leads me to conclude that we men possess none of the following: 1) Maturity; 2) empathy; 3) a belief in karmic retribution.

While I'm at it, some things that will never lose their humor, just off the top of my head:

Watching other men try to show off -- and fail : I was in the gym at work this past week and there was a man in a t-shirt, nicely-pressed slacks, and heavy-looking dress shoes running on the treadmill. It looked uncomfortable. He was loudly commenting to the man on the adjacent treadmill "Yeah, I haven't worked out in like 8 months!" and then proceeded to crank the treadmill pace up to 12.5 mph. Genius! As I listened/watched the man plod along in his dress shoes -- he sounded like a Clydesdale whose hooves had been soaked in cement, were left to dry, and now was galloping full force on them -- I just knew something was going to happen. And something did. He lost his footing and fell, luckily catching himself before flying off the treadmill. Thank goodness he was not injured -- both for himself, and the fact that if he had been, I would be an a-hole for relaying this incident and laughing every time I think about it.

People that are heavily involved in Medieval reenactments: No explanation needed, but in case you needed a reminder, click away.

Happy Monday, all. Men: be protective of your manhood this week. Also, depending on how my schedule works out, it could be a good writing week. Stay tuned.

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Weekly Selects

More DC highlights from the past week. Enjoy.

--Via Gchat from my boy Banker, who is a Philly native, and does amazing things with the English language, such as turning an adjective into a plural noun (ie "Are you lames going to that party?"). I was watching Phillies-Cubs last Thurs and texted Banker about his boy Pedro's dirty stinky (another Bankerism) pitching. His reply, of course:

"yo. my man is s***ing all OVER the cubs"

Coincidentally, this is the game in which an idiot Cubs fan threw his beer at Phils' outfielder Shane Victorino as he was catching a flyball. Deadspin got all of its readers in on the vigilante justice that was about to be laid down on the moron -- I'm sure Banker was at the forefront with both Molotov cocktail and chair to throw at the guy.

More on my reconciliation with baseball later.

--Via iPod Touch, White Josh's ongoing med school adventures:

Med school acapella group is trying to recruit members [by] giving us a sample--breakfast at tiffanys. They suck.

--Via Gchat from Jay. Seriously, for anybody who has any doubts about his affinity for less clothing, here is more testimony. This was after I had chatted with him for a good 10 min:

well I'm naked so I better run
good chatting with you

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Sleep Drooling -- Photo of the Week 17 Aug 2009

This one was taken a while ago. However, no other image conveys what I would rather be doing right now. And no, "drooling on your friend's mother's leather couch" is not what I meant. Sleep. Sleep is what I meant.

It was a fun weekend, but after lots of driving, chasing my nieces around, taking calls from work at 2am, and my sister Juli taking me on a "jog" (read: Bataan Death March) through some perilous jungle, I am exhausted today.


Regardless, Happy Monday to you. To temporarily distract your minds from the restrictive, fluorescent-bulbed hell that is your work cubicle, I have created a survey on the right to get your take on the Bourne movies.

Origins of survey: After listening to a lesson at church, BiL Ben was insistent on conveying the following principle to me: If you're in a brawl with someone, always have something in your hands to fight with. He cited the rolled-up magazine in The Bourne Supremacy. Don't ask me how this related to the lesson topic in any way -- I know for sure the lesson wasn't about Samson and the ass's jawbone -- but I'm sure it was related. If Ben has taught us anything, it is that his mind is unfailingly logical. Enjoy.

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Highlights for the Week

Correspondence via snail mail is pretty much done. Pen pals; creepy stalkers sending letters; vomit-inducing love letters; these are all a thing of the past.

Nowadays it's done instantly through email, texting, Facebook, and -- much to my annoyance -- Twitter. It's a Digital Correspondence (DC) age, for better or worse.

So here are some of my DC highlights from the week:

--Via email from my marathon consigliere, Coach, who occasionally has issue a virtual reprimand to me when I deviate from his assigned schedules. This snippet is not a reprimand, but hilarious:

"I have some concern about how the perm will affect your athletic performance. However, hair-style advice is likely beyond the bounds of my responsibilities as a coach. You look pretty hot though."

--Via TXT from White Josh, re: his first day of med school:

"Easily 1/3 of class is of the azn descent. Crazy"

The only thing that surprises me about this is that it wasn't higher. Let's face it, my people are taking over the hard sciences and technical fields, while disgraceful halfies like myself study in a liberal arts major, and are left to hang our heads in the shame we have brought upon our ancestors' computationally-inclined households.

--Via Email from Jay, re: awkward shirtless photos the GA Tech FB team took for PR purposes (including one picture below). I sent them to Jay for two reasons: 1) he went to grad school there; 2) Back in college he liked to walk around shirtless -- to the extent that we considered marketing a "Poolside Tanner" calendar for the neighborhood ladies. Just various photos of Jay shirtless. His reply to my email:

"I did rail slide naked in the background, but they must have photoshopped that out."

Can't wait for the video of that one to go viral, Jay!

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More Perm Photos -- Photo(s) of the Week 10 Aug 2009

Well, many of you asked for more details/photos on the permed hair. Anne M posted some photos on Facebook:


Since this took place about three weeks ago, the hair continues to grow in volume, autonomy, and epicness (don't argue -- it's a word). I'm not talking Trojan War epic, but on my own personal epic scale it ranks somewhere between beating Midge at Speed Scrabble and that one time I was in the middle school jazz band and had a saxophone solo.

People ask me what I "do" with the hair -- I'm assuming they are asking how I style it, and not wondering if I spend hours planning hair-centric activities -- and the answer is nothing. Since the perm, I'm now honestly convinced that my hair has become self-aware. It just does whatever the hell it wants, and I have to acquiesce and learn to live with it. It's wearing the pants.

It is also a Kobe Bryant-like polarizing figure, having caused an irreconcilable splintering of my friends into two camps: There are those who embrace it and lobby for its continued existence, while there are those who want to go all Delilah on it and shear me like a sheep. Hopefully the hair doesn't continue the Kobe-trend and end up getting accused of rape in Colorado or being a selfish player who scowls at his teammates.

Powered by Perm®, people.




Happy Monday. My shoulder's sore after a full Saturday of intense wiffle ball.

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Mind Your Surroundings, Kid

Not a fan of just posting YouTube clips, because anyone can do that, but every once in a while you find those gems that sell themselves. This is one of those...with an awesome ending.



What kind of educational system were the Kiwis developing down in New Zealand? More importantly, is it still in place? Because if it is, I will be postponing my lifelong goal of vacationing in New Zealand -- indefinitely.

This kid could have benefited from the advice Dukat/Raz Agul gave Bruce Wayne when they were doing all kinds of crazy ninja-ness on the ice: "Always mind your surroundings." I guess in this case Dukat would have to amend the statement with "...especially when you're on television, and when there are Asian people around."

Also, I want to see the kid's score on the word association portion of the SAT.

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Kitchenette Run-ins, Fashion Discussions

We have a kitchenette at work that I was practically running through last week (my new job is what I would call "demanding") when I almost turned a co-worker into roadkill. We'll call her Carrie. Carrie is the mother of young children, very nice, and most relevantly to this narrative, never sarcastic. So I know that what she was saying to me was sincere.

C: Oh, Josh, hi! I've been meaning to ask you about your hair.
JD (internal): Oh crap. Oh no.
JD: Um, yeah...what about it?
C: Did you style it differently?
JD (internal): Lie, dammit-- Lie! Say the humid summer is wreaking havoc on your hair! That's what girls do! Say it!
JD: Um, yeah. I, uh, So I... got a perm...
JD (internal): Idiot.

(At this point in the conversation I realized that the kitchenette is central to a dozen or so cubicles occupied by coworkers that I see every day. And that they've likely heard that I permed my hair. So I feel like I have to explain -- in a noticeably louder voice so all can hear -- the circumstances of my getting a perm.)

JD: ...I did it as part of a bet with a friend -- this is not something I would ever do on my own.
C: Well, I think it looks good.
JD (internal): She's messing with you! There's no way you look good. You look stupid, and you know it!
JD: Well, that's nice of you to say, Carrie. But really, you don't have to lie. I realize it looks pretty ridiculous.
C: Where did you get it done? I've been thinking about doing a perm myself.
JD: I, uh...my friend just bought a box of stuff from the store.

It's a bad sign for me when women are asking me for fashion-related advice. Almost apocalyptic.

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Football Season One Month Away -- Photo of the Week 3 Aug 2009

This week's PotW isn't all that humorous, but it is one of joy and hope:


It's August, meaning that football season is CLOSE. Unbearably close. Can you feel it? Here's what I'm looking forward to:

1. College Gameday and swearing at Lee Corso for being a front-runner
   
2. Lou Holtz and his cotton-mouthed delivery
3. The woman commentator with the suspiciously masculine voice on ESPN2 doing 2nd tier games.
   
4. Buying this book and reading it.
   
5. The smell of BBQ and the stench of alcohol in my apartment as I make beer brats.
6. Playing counselor as friends call me upset about what our teams are doing wrong, and reassuring them that, yes, they could coach football much better than any of those idiots.
   
7. Let's strike out item #3. I'm so ecstatic that I got confused.
8. Talking strategy and about all the subtleties of football that make it absolutely beautiful (see above picture)
9. Mocking the media for slobbering all over Tim Tebow as demigod, creator of the avian flu vaccine, broker of a peace deal in Kashmir, stopper of tectonic plate shifts to prevent all future earthquakes...ech. You get the idea.
10. Fostering my love for the NFL that began during the past year's playoffs.

What'cha got on your list of things to look forward to?


Happy Monday. If talk of football doesn't get you amped for the week, nothing will.

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