Weekly Selects #20

Hope you had a Merry Christmas. Digital Correspondence for the past week:


-Via Email from Banker (this article):

God does exist and he may be partial to the Japanese...

Out of all the western-originated products to improve on...

The Japanese print is hard to make out, but the developer lists three inadequacies that typical sleeping bags have: (1) If there are things you need, you can't get them without leaving the sleeping bag; (2) If you're ever attacked by a bear, you can't get up and run; and I can't make out the third reason. But I'm sure it's equally as humorous.

This is basically a warmer version of a straight jacket, as the use of arms is nonexistent. Some Q&A I had with the developer:
Q: What if I want to walk down a flight of stairs in this sleeping bag?
A: You're screwed. You will have no arms to prevent you from tumbling to (at least) three broken ribs and a concussion.

Q: What if I get into a brou-haha with my campsite neighbors, and they surround me and decide to start hitting me with bamboo sticks? What can I do?
A: Again: Screwed. You will be like the Black Knight on Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Hilarious movie! Especially those French taunters. Oh man, where they start launching the cows over the castle wal--
Q: /rolling eyes and resisting urge to cock back fist/ Stay on track, sir.
A: Oh yes. Sorry. Essentially, you will be defenseless -- I would at least make an effort to cover your face. Don't worry, though. Welts and lacerations go away. Eventually.

Q: What if all my friends with Snuggies are playing basketball or baseball or something? Will I be able to participate.
A: All I have to say is, I hope you like a faceful of ball. If you didn't realize, you will have the hands of snake while wearing this sleeping bag.

Q: Does the sleeping bag at least come in leopard print? Zebra print?
A: No. We believe in keeping humiliation simple.
 
And there you have it.
 
-Via Email from Sara S:
 


-Via TXT from AM, who parked her car at my house while she went home for Christmas and returned while I was still in TX:

I think someone syphoned out my gas

It's interesting. I moved to a new place which is supposed to be safer than my old neighborhood (alleged "gang territory"), but in two years at the old place, I never had a problem. In the last few weeks, idiots have punched out Josh M's car window and stolen his GPS (the bastards), and they have siphoned the gas out of AM's car (sons of bastards).

Well, Gas Siphoner, I hope your circumstances were extenuating enough to warrant stealing fuel, as in you needed to drive your great-aunt and her broken hip to the emergency room in the middle of the night, or the apocalypse happened and you needed gas for your generator. If it was for something else -- say, to satisfy your pot smoking-induced "munchies" craving with a 2AM Taco Bell run -- I pray you have contracted immobilizing food poisoning from your Super Nachos Grande, and have been tasting the foul cocktail of nacho-vomit, stomach acid, and unleaded 87 for the past half-week. Also to complete the karmic cycle, I hope you find yourself stranded in the middle of the Nevada desert one day, fuelless, and walking in 120 degree weather for countless miles to a gas station. Happy New Year to you.