Avatar: A Review of the Movie, and its Consequences

Saw Avatar. I realize that with the movie shattering all kinds of box office records, saying "I saw Avatar" is not a unique statement -- about as unique as something like "I wear underwear" (virtually universal, but every once in a while people surprise you). Decided to write a little review, and talk about the consequences I fear will result from this movie.

It was visually STUNNING. Everything I thought was going to be cartoonish ended up being lifelike and gorgeous, and I was drawn into that world. Banker thought to himself during the movie: "So this is what a quarter of a billion dollars can buy," and I agree. For the sheer aesthetics alone, the movie is worth seeing.

However, there were other things that a quarter of a billion dollars couldn't buy. A few off the top of my head:

1. Screenwriters to write a non-predictable plot: Look, I'm not asking for a Sherlock Holmes mystery  that no one can figure out until the very end...but when compared to Avatar's, even the plots of the childrens' books I read to my nieces and nephew, ages 2-5, are wildly unpredictable (POSSIBLY IMPORTANT NOTE: I have read these books dozens of time...even then!). We all had this thing figured out before the 10-minute mark rolled around.

2. Screenwriters to craft an original plot: You've no doubt seen the "rewritten" Pocahontas script floating around, in which Pocahontas character names and places are simply replaced with corresponding names/places from Avatar. Uncanny. Throw in some Fern Gully, The Last Samurai, and Dances With Wolves, and you pretty much have an Avatar storyline: Main character looks down on native culture as "savage;" native culture teaches man importance of life/nature/alternative lifestyle etc; man joins natives' cause; epic battle. The end. I have heard Miley Cyrus lyrics that are more creative than this screenplay. (Avatar writers -- the specific Miley lyrics I had in mind were: "Noddin' my head like 'yeah' / Movin' my hips like 'yeah.' ")

3. Non-recycled dialogue: You couldn't swing a dead cat in a room with this movie and not hit a cliche. (Wait, what? THAT MADE NO SENSE) Or something.

4. A Way to Make the Na'vi Makeout Scene Not Awkward: Yeah. I don't think there is a budget large enough to make this happen. This scene was weird. The only way it could have been more uncomfortable would be if I was 13-years old again and watching it with my parents.

Really, though, I guess we can't expect much in the way of "nuance" or "subtlety" from the director who brought us Terminator, True Lies and Titanic. Cameron does large, sweeping heavy-handed movies, and that's fine, because they are usually enjoyable. In fact, I have a movie pitch for him -- but I'll save that for another day.

But now I want to discuss what really worries me about this film. And no, this has nothing to do with the "anti-American" undertones of the film, which have been the talking points of so many blogs -- I'll leave that to people who care about that stuff. What really worries me about this film is what it will do for/to the Computer-Weirdo (CW) Community. And by CWs, I mean the people who live in their parents' dark basements, playing endless hours of World of Warcraft or Second Life (avatars of their own) or whatever because they feel living a virtual life is infinitely better than attempting the same feat with their own. That's the group I'm talking about. You with me?

I honestly think that Avatar is going to plant all kinds of crazy thoughts in the CWs' heads. I fear that these individuals -- who are already using virtual worlds as an escape from reality -- will convince themselves that technology actually exists that can transport their consciousness into another body, thus enabling them to leave their lazy, pale-skinned, "I have subsisted on an uninterrupted diet of hot dogs, mac & cheese and Mountain Dew for five years" bodies into the body of a lithe, blue-skinned, agile 10-foot feline.

And then they're going to turn into these people:



And then we'll read some Darwin Award about one fanatic who got electrocuted because he was trying to plug his dreadlock into the USB port in his computer...

And then when they realize they can't have it, there will be riots. Or suicides. See, Cameron has dangled this unattainable, fictional carrot in front of a group of individuals that already has trouble separating reality from fiction -- and when they realize that they can't obtain this, there's going to be trouble.

It's going to be a slippery slope. You just wait.

Well, that's my fear.

But other than all that? I whole-heartedly endorse seeing this movie.