The Pauly Shore-Jean Claude Van Damme Follow-up...And What Have You
>> 12 January 2010
If you'll recall, connecting Pauly Shore and Jean Claude Van Damme required a tedious 9 steps to complete. As one of the Framers of The Solution, Butz got all drunk on delusional possible-glory -- I believe his words were "this belongs in the national archives...next to the reimann hypothesis" -- and insisted I post it. I was thinking of keeping it secret, but I have decided to relent and give the school solution. I don't think you're ready for this jelly.
Jean Claude > Street Fighter w/ Raul Julia > The Addams' Family w/ Christine Ricci > The Legend of Sleepy Hollow w/ Johnny Depp > Edward Scissorhands w/ Winona Ryder > Little Women w/ Christian Bale > The Dark Knight w/ Morgan Freeman > Invictus w/ Matt Damon > School Ties w/ Brendan Fraser > Encino Man w/ Pauly Shore
You might also remember that I issued a challenge for anyone to come up with a better solution. I was secretly hoping that you all would just unquestionably accept my word as law and not humiliate me by coming up with something better.Unfortunately, I vastly overestimated the amount of authoritativeness my statements carry with the readers. You took me up on my challenge. This came in from Lex:
Jean-Claude Van Damme was in Street Fighter with Kylie Minogue who was in Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore/hanging head in consuming shame/
That is probably as close as you'll get
Well, yes, I foolishly threw down the gauntlet. Little did I know that someone would pick up that gauntlet, load it into a howitzer, and promptly shoot me in the face with it. So much for the National Archives and all of its associated glory. Sorry, Butzy.Obviously this game is a spinoff of Six Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon, an actor so pervasive in modern cinema that he supposedly can be linked to any actor in six steps or less. I had my reservations about this theory until Butz introduced me to oracleofbacon.org, which uses "databases" and "technology" to prove that rarely does it take more than three steps for any actor to be connected to Mr. Bacon.
This is revolutionary.
In related news, I have a theory about who is heir apparent to the Mr. Bacon throne. It HAS to be Nic Cage. So much so, that a new blog has crept up called niccageaseveryone.blogspot.com, where Cage's face is photoshopped onto other movie characters', world leaders, etc. My personal favorite, Nic Cage as Gandalf:
Submitted by Colin Bridgeman
But really. Is there a movie role that Nic Cage will not turn down? I imagine sitting down with him in a coffee shop...
Me: Yo, Nic. Thanks for coming to lunch. Have a seat.
/Nic Cage sits/
Me: Now, I have a screenpl--
Nic: Done. I'll take it.
Me: ...but I haven't even told you what the movie is about.
Nic: /shaking head dismissively/ Doesn't matter. Talk to my agent about the details.
Me: Well, I think you should know what the movie is about first.
Nic: Really? /looks around nervously/ Alright, fine.
Me: I want to do a biography about an actor who started out strong, doing some quirky films, winning an Oscar for a movie called...oh, let's see...let's just call it Leaving Las Vegas... He's at the top of the acting world. He can have his pick of roles. But his agent tells him he needs to show 'diversity' and 'get his face out there,' so he starts accepting every single role thrown at him. Anything. As an extra in an Indie film. As a stand-in for a 5-year old at a daytime soap opera. As Ghost Rider. His reputation plummets. He becomes a laughing stock. This will explore his precipitous fall.
Nic: That's a deep storyline, man. Deep. I like it.
Me: You should know we have approached other actors about this before you. Christian Bale. Hugh Jackman. Matt Damon. Even Pauly Shore turned it down. Said it was beneath him.
Nic: No. I want it. My agent's been telling me for years that I need to show diversity, and get my face out there. I'll take it.
So, to recap lessons learned:
- Pauly Shore + Jean Claude Van Damme = still funny
- Kevin Bacon = omnipresent
- Nic Cage = possibly more omnipresent
5 ideas preached:
I hate Nic Cage almost as much as Mario Lopez. ALthough, I do like some of his movies. But what the hell happened to his head!?!?
I'm speechless...on so many levels.
I thought him taking every role imaginable would be more tied to say, buying islands, and castles and going bankrupt...
Who would have known that by posting the link to the Nic Cage blog you would also be providing about an hour of laughs and beautifully wasted time? Not me.
Your post title reminded me of a variant of the phrase 'what have you' that this sales lady used to say, which made no sense and still makes me laugh: "and whathavenot."
Clearly it's a combo of whatnot and what have you. And she had no idea. Rates well on the unintentional comedy scale.
Your post got me thinking -
Maybe we should pitch a movie script entitled AndWhatHaveNot and have it be some sort of lifetime achievement award for Nic Cage with him doing as many of his movie roles as possible all wrapped into one plot and what have not. Maybe have Bacon in it. Throw in a little Coach Ditka and you pretty much have alchemy.
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