Face-Off Friday -- Tiger Woods Edition

Pilot run for Face-Off Fridays (FoF)

Welcome to Face-Off Friday (FoF), where guest Pat will choose a topic and we will go head-to-head. The goal is to debate issues that have no relevance to anything that you would consider caring about. Ever.

Background: The blog title is only loosely connected to Face/Off, an almost decent movie with an almost clever pun for a title, in which arch-enemies surgically switch faces and identities, the shoot at each other, confusedly stare into mirrors (they switched faces, folks!), and chase each other in boats for two hours -- one finally kills the other with a harpoon gun (SPOILER ALERT!).

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

*******

JD: Pat, welcome to RoSA; please introduce yourself to the readers, as well as a brief explanation for joining FoF. <----- Resting chin in hands, feigning genuine interest. 

Pat: Well, hello, half-caste sarcasm. I'm Pat, your new "guest" blogger. Mostly, I just want to make your blog worth reading. 

JD: Burn. It seems that instead of bringing precision instruments (ie rhetoric and logical argument) to the discourse, you have brought an unwieldy caveman's club (ie personal insults) ME CAVEMAN PAT ME SMASH BIG WORDS RARRR. I can't blame you, though, as you chose to list "dragging knuckles with disproportionately long arms" on the Skills section of your resume, and not "debate."

But let's give this a try, anyway: What is the topic of your choosing this week, Pat?

Pat: Mr. Dalton, your hypocritical assumptions on my approach were fired before a simple discussion.  Or should I call you Dick -- Dick Cheney -- whose vice presidential legacy comes from shooting blindly.  Anyway, let's move to a nice, easy target, Tiger Woods.

Tiger has been a true celebrity lately. Sex, lies, and hospital visits are sure to make him fodder for the next Lifetime movie. His now-tarnished image stands in stark contrast to his Tag-Heuser advertisements which rhetorically ask, "What are you made of?" We find with Tiger that unbridled horniness could be his composition.

So, do you think Tiger's sponsors should drop him based on his morality or should his exceptional ability to "put the ball in the hole" on the golf course maintain his marketability? 

JD: First of all, everyone knows that a Lifetime ("TV Network for Man-Haters") movie requires that Woods abandon his wife once she is diagnosed with cancer, kidnap their children, then flee for another country to live a debaucherous and depraved life. That's the Lifetime template.

And now I don't remember the original point I was making.

Conclusion: I'd rather have a thousand thumb tacks shoved into my eyes than watch a Lifetime movie.

Pat: Tiger was actually trying to run Elin down.  First, she ducked behind a fire hydrant, then shielded her body with a tree. You are so close-minded -- Lifetime is about facts. Spike TV ("Get More Action") will make the same movie, but the under-the-knife skankiest of skanks will wear nothing but lingerie as they bow to Tiger in a purple robe and crown.

Now, answer the question.

JD: Fair enough.

Tiger is the moral equivalent of The Swamp Thing -- but sponsors don't care about morality. They care about marketability and what makes them money. Hell, Martha Stewart (Macy's) went to jail for cannibalism! (maybe?) My understanding of Mad Chedda' Stackin' capitalism tells me that sponsors wait to see how Tiger does on the golf course first. 

Pat: Wait? Look what waiting has done thus far: Taken their poster boy from a single sleazy affair to a baker's dozen plus one. Tiger's appeal came not only from his skill, but from his perceived "squeaky clean" image. Using Tiger with a brand, in theory, is to inspire customers based on his persona - trust, integrity, class - which are now oxymorons if used in a sentence with him. Waiting discounts their brand and molds their chedda. And nobody likes moldy chedda.

JD: Please, son. I'll be enjoying my fine-aged chedda while you're stackin' Kraft Singles.

Pat: Well, you ARE a rat. I wouldn't expect more.

JD: Burn AGAIN. On that note, we'll end FoF for the week. Thanks for reading.

*******