Avatar: A Review of the Movie, and its Consequences

Saw Avatar. I realize that with the movie shattering all kinds of box office records, saying "I saw Avatar" is not a unique statement -- about as unique as something like "I wear underwear" (virtually universal, but every once in a while people surprise you). Decided to write a little review, and talk about the consequences I fear will result from this movie.

It was visually STUNNING. Everything I thought was going to be cartoonish ended up being lifelike and gorgeous, and I was drawn into that world. Banker thought to himself during the movie: "So this is what a quarter of a billion dollars can buy," and I agree. For the sheer aesthetics alone, the movie is worth seeing.

However, there were other things that a quarter of a billion dollars couldn't buy. A few off the top of my head:

1. Screenwriters to write a non-predictable plot: Look, I'm not asking for a Sherlock Holmes mystery  that no one can figure out until the very end...but when compared to Avatar's, even the plots of the childrens' books I read to my nieces and nephew, ages 2-5, are wildly unpredictable (POSSIBLY IMPORTANT NOTE: I have read these books dozens of time...even then!). We all had this thing figured out before the 10-minute mark rolled around.

2. Screenwriters to craft an original plot: You've no doubt seen the "rewritten" Pocahontas script floating around, in which Pocahontas character names and places are simply replaced with corresponding names/places from Avatar. Uncanny. Throw in some Fern Gully, The Last Samurai, and Dances With Wolves, and you pretty much have an Avatar storyline: Main character looks down on native culture as "savage;" native culture teaches man importance of life/nature/alternative lifestyle etc; man joins natives' cause; epic battle. The end. I have heard Miley Cyrus lyrics that are more creative than this screenplay. (Avatar writers -- the specific Miley lyrics I had in mind were: "Noddin' my head like 'yeah' / Movin' my hips like 'yeah.' ")

3. Non-recycled dialogue: You couldn't swing a dead cat in a room with this movie and not hit a cliche. (Wait, what? THAT MADE NO SENSE) Or something.

4. A Way to Make the Na'vi Makeout Scene Not Awkward: Yeah. I don't think there is a budget large enough to make this happen. This scene was weird. The only way it could have been more uncomfortable would be if I was 13-years old again and watching it with my parents.

Really, though, I guess we can't expect much in the way of "nuance" or "subtlety" from the director who brought us Terminator, True Lies and Titanic. Cameron does large, sweeping heavy-handed movies, and that's fine, because they are usually enjoyable. In fact, I have a movie pitch for him -- but I'll save that for another day.

But now I want to discuss what really worries me about this film. And no, this has nothing to do with the "anti-American" undertones of the film, which have been the talking points of so many blogs -- I'll leave that to people who care about that stuff. What really worries me about this film is what it will do for/to the Computer-Weirdo (CW) Community. And by CWs, I mean the people who live in their parents' dark basements, playing endless hours of World of Warcraft or Second Life (avatars of their own) or whatever because they feel living a virtual life is infinitely better than attempting the same feat with their own. That's the group I'm talking about. You with me?

I honestly think that Avatar is going to plant all kinds of crazy thoughts in the CWs' heads. I fear that these individuals -- who are already using virtual worlds as an escape from reality -- will convince themselves that technology actually exists that can transport their consciousness into another body, thus enabling them to leave their lazy, pale-skinned, "I have subsisted on an uninterrupted diet of hot dogs, mac & cheese and Mountain Dew for five years" bodies into the body of a lithe, blue-skinned, agile 10-foot feline.

And then they're going to turn into these people:



And then we'll read some Darwin Award about one fanatic who got electrocuted because he was trying to plug his dreadlock into the USB port in his computer...

And then when they realize they can't have it, there will be riots. Or suicides. See, Cameron has dangled this unattainable, fictional carrot in front of a group of individuals that already has trouble separating reality from fiction -- and when they realize that they can't obtain this, there's going to be trouble.

It's going to be a slippery slope. You just wait.

Well, that's my fear.

But other than all that? I whole-heartedly endorse seeing this movie.

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Futile Attempts at Conservation -- Photo of the Week - 4 Aug 2008

Location: Northern Virginia
Year: 2008

Short story from work.

So we got new napkin dispensers at our work cafeteria, like the one pictured above. Standing ones. Fancy, right? The first day they were there, I noticed they had signs on them that read: "These will help save 25-40% on waste." Seemed like an arbirtary and unmeasurable number to me, but they are keeping the tree-huggers happy. I'm okay with that. (So long as they reciprocate with a similar gesture. Like showering and other basic hygiene -- honestly, you can even use the expensive, non-animal tested shampoo!)

As I'm reading the sign, a lumbering, middle-aged man in front of me proceeds to take no less than 10 napkins out of the dispenser, one after another, after another...after another.

What could he possibly have been eating that day that required a quantity of napkins with the total square footage of a large beach towel? Or did he just say to himself, "No one tells me when to / when not to conserve on waste. Conservation my a**!" and make his point by taking more than he normally would have? It seemed almost Johnny Vranes-esque¹ to me.

So much for conserving on waste.


1 - Johnny was an old roommate from college who had an inexplicable and innate drive to do the opposite of what you said he could or could not do. Just seemingly out of spite. It was uncanny. On more than one occasion, I weighed the consequences of saying to him: "I bet you couldn't streak across I-15 naked at nighttime," but my conscience always got to me. I think the only reason he hasn't been mentioned in previous posts is because I was afraid of offending him if he reads the blog. Don't ask me why I decided to start now.²
2 - Apologies, Johnny. You know I love you.

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The Watered-Down Approach: Making Less More

I would hope that out of all the places that I would tune down my willingness to observe, it would be a public men's restroom. However, today I was at the sink and tapped the soap dispenser, and instead of the thick, soap-like goo that usually comes out, out came some half-soap, half-water diluted solution. I thought to myself: Those cheapos. Now they're watering down the soap.

Then I realized that we all do this. You know what I'm talking about. You get in the shower and realize that you're getting low on shower gel or shampoo. What do you do? Screw off the top and put some water in there. You've just transformed your two-day's worth of remaining shower gel into at least ten-day's worth. The same goes for dish soap -- in college I witnessed a bottle of Dawn last for at least a year -- and any number of other liquids. Efficiency? Laziness? Good hygiene exchanged for frugality? Tomato, Tomahto.

Chris Rock pointed out that his parents did it: When I was a kid, we didn't have no insurance. All we had was Robitussin. My parents thought " 'tussin" could fix anything. "Daddy, I got a cold" "Drink some 'tussin, boy" "Daddy, I broke my leg" "Pour some 'tussin on that bone, boy...let it work its way down to the bone, it'll set it straight...What? We're almost out of 'tussin?? Pour some water in the bottle, shake it up! Mo' 'tussin! Mo' 'tussin!" (the italics used to indicate Chris' monologue were not used because he was yelling, but to more clearly illustrate his shrill, high-pitched voice ringing in your ears.)

I suppose the only time I'll really feel this approach is worth it is when I can work a watered-down gasoline situation; you know, 50% water (free), 50% gasoline ($3+/gallon)...you know, without the whole ruin your engine part of it. Then we'd be sticking it to OPEC.

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Neverending Logical Strings: "If this....then...AND then...therefore"

"PAPER or PLASTIC?"


It seems like an ordinary, everyday question, but the implications—politically, environmentally, ecumenically—may run deeper than you think when you tell that underpaid (and unlikely to understand any English besides "paper" or "plastic") grocery-bagger of your choice of bag.


Well, besides personal preference for how you carry your grocery bags, or the utility of the bags after they've served their initial purpose, I don't see how you could be a strong advocate for one or the other. The interesting thing that got me thinking about this, however, is the logic used by those who DO hold strong opinions regarding one or the other.


Some environmentalists will say "paper" because it is recyclable, and, at the very least, biodegradable. It does, however, kill trees. Lots of them. And to serve what purpose? To be used once, maybe twice, then thrown away. So plastic must be the way to go, right? True, it saves the trees from being cut down, but it is 100% non-biodegradable, and quite possibly contributes to the killing of animals that Green Peace or PETA or someone is trying to save (didn't Russell Crowe asphyxiate that tiger in the Colosseum-scene in "Gladiator" with a plastic grocery sack? I can't remember).


I suppose you could take the saving the trees argument far enough down the logical line to say: "Well, if you're saving trees, then there are more trees to convert carbon dioxide to oxygen…and THEN you're indirectly fighting global warming," or something...but then, you're still stuck with the rising landfills and dying cuddly animals problem, which, last time I checked, aren't incredibly environmentally- or ecosystem- friendly.

Which brings me to another point. If you have the option in a public restroom of using paper towels or the hand dryer, which do you use? Paper towels are faster and you don't have to sit around, but supposedly the hand dryers were instated to be more environmentally friendly and save some trees and avoid waste buildup. (Not to mention that getting rid of paper towels eliminates the possible-embarassing-items-that-you-could-walk-out-with-stuck- to-the-bottom-of-your-shoe-dilemma back down to toilet paper only). Not a bad argument. But when you press that button on the hand-dryer, aren't you using electricity? This may be a stretch because the amount of electricity that you use is negligible, but that electricity is most likely coming from one of many coal-burning plants, which are major sources of greenhouse gases that are allegedly the cause of global warming in the first place.

Quite the conundrum.

I don't write this to further paralyze people from making decisions, so that when they're in the supermarket and are innocently asked "paper or plastic" they freeze like a deer in the headlights because images of dying seagulls flash through their minds; nor when they are done taking care of business in the bathroom to make them stare aimlessly at the paper towel dispenser and/or the hand dryer thingy.

Nor am I advocating that we continue to be consumers who refuse to consider the consequences of excessive consumption. We are stewards here and have the responsibility to do what we can to take care of the planet.

I'm just saying that you can only use the running-train of logic that a lot of people with special interests (in this particular blog entry, environmentalists or animal rights' activists...which, by the way, I am not picking on, this just happened to be the first subject I thought of) can take us down: "If this is the case...then this...AND then this...etc", but end up coming full circle or contradicting themselves. There are a lot of flip sides to a lot of coins.

So I guess I should add "…but probably not" to the very end of my opening paragraph.

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