Showing posts with label the onion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the onion. Show all posts

Some Football Humor

>> 01 February 2011

In honor of Super Bowl, quite possibly the funniest thing I have seen in a really, really long time. Thanks to Jen for the pass:



So just think about all of that before you get to screamin' and hollerin' about your football game, Steelers and Packers fans.

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OPINION: These Online Dating Services Are A Scam

>> 06 April 2010

These Online Dating Services Are A Scam
by Eldon Charles
Convicted Serial Killer


What a crock.

eHarmony.com. Match.com. Meet-an-inmate.com. All of these online dating services are scams designed to get you to invest your money and time into a process that returns no rewards. They prey on the emotionally vulnerable.

See, my life in Ionia Maximum Security Prison, Michigan, is one of mind-numbing repetition and monotony. A goldfish experiences more variety than I do. I spend 23 hours a day in a Hannibal Lecterian restraint mask and straight jacket; the other hour is spent tormenting brilliant but vulnerable FBI agents who are trying to find serial killers a la Silence of the Lambs. Kidding. Just some prison humor for you there. I actually spend my "free hour" in a roofless cement cell, gazing at the clouds, wishing it was night so that I could see the stars.

Anyway, all of that alone time lends itself toward serious introspection and reflection on what's important in life. Education. Freedom. A committed relationship with another person.

So when I heard about meet-an-inmate.com -- the website where "lonely attractive inmates in the USA seek penpals" -- I felt a glimmer of hope, that maybe...just maybe...I might find that special someone with whom I could spend the rest of my life with (after I fulfill my debt to society by serving my four consecutive life terms). Little did I know that my hope would be crushed. Crushed like it was when Stephanie Mason rejected me for senior prom. Or like the skulls of my 5th, 9th, and 13th victims. Whichever comparison you prefer.

Look, I may have killed 23 people in cold blood between 2002-2008, and the judge who handed down my prison sentence may have characterized me as an "unfeeling, ruthless sociopath" who is "incapable of feeling anything remotely resembling empathy for another human being," but that judge was wrong. I'm just like any other person. I get lonely. My family is no longer with me -- my brother died in 2000 (car accident); my mother in 1998 (stroke); my father in 2004 (my own hands) -- so aside from the usual, inane inmate chatter, I don't have a lot of people with whom I can have a serious talk with.

Meet-an-inmate offered that possibility. Finally, someone to have a real, heartfelt conversation with! So I registered six weeks ago. Posted my picture and filled out my profile and everything. The result? I haven't heard anything from anybody. Not a single thing.

My psychologist told me once that I tended to set expectations too high for newly forming relationships, or relationships that I just imagined in my head that had no basis in reality. He said that this led to debilitating disappointment when those expectations weren't met. Now, 5 years later, I'm starting to realize that maybe Dr. Collins was right. Maybe my expectations were too high. And maybe I shouldn't have killed him. Oops.

But that's not the point. The point is this: Is it too much to expect to have just one penpal? Does being the called "one of the worst serial killers in American history" automatically disqualify me as "dateable" material? If that's the case, America is in a sad state of affairs. Is it my profile picture?  Look -- I'm no Brad Pitt, but that mask makes me look at least 30 lbs heavier. And balder. I'd take it off but the last time they let me take it off for a picture, I tried to bite the photographer's neck, so the mask has to stay on. I frankly don't understand why I can't be accepted and loved for who I am -- what happened to tolerance?

I even heard rumors that a few guys like Andy (kidnapping 2nd degree with a firearm; 3-15 years) and Marley (armed robbery with a deadly weapon; 5-10 years) already have penpals off of that stupid website. WHAT IS THAT?!?! Newsflash, people: Andy and Marley are UGLY! And boring! What do those two have that I don't, besides the possibility of living outside of this prison again? What makes those two more appealing than me? It makes no sense.

A scam, I tell you. When I get out of here, I'm suing that website for false advertising.

Shame on you for making me hope, meet-an-inmate. Shame on you.

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Metasatire -- Praise it

>> 24 March 2010

Satire exposes the flaws, weaknesses, and idiosyncracies of a political/social/etc system or group; its effectiveness lies in its ability to push equivocation aside and directly address the heart of the problem by using humor (I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I JUST TYPED BUT IT SOUNDS RIGHT). Well, whatever it is, I like satire mostly because it's FUNNY.

Take this device up a level to what I will term "metasatire" -- where things are mocked in vague generalities -- and you see exactly how formulaic things in our society such as our 24-hour news programs (first clip) and movies (second clip) have become.

Man, oh man, I love these clips... but it's a little scary to see that we are getting fed this stuff over and over...

The Onion News mocking the news, courtesy of Banker (WARNING: a bit of language here)


Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

And the mockery of the Oscars (courtesy of C. Dees)




Sigh. Wistful, yet resigned statement about my inferior creativity and sense of humor relative to the creators of these two videos.

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A Leprechaun Tale, or Two

>> 17 March 2010

St. Patrick's Day reminds us once a year to be proud of our Irishness -- infinitesimal as it may be for some of us -- and then we promptly forget about it for the other 364 days of the year and make fun of "those crazy Irish." Today's a great opportunity to remember the charming, uniquely-Irish contributions those crazy Irish have made to society: (1) Brawling (2) drinking (3) passing out from drinking (4) harvesting potatoes (5) being Catholic (all of these established facts were taken from The Onion's atlas, thank you very much).

A skill often forgotten amidst the slurred confusion of (1)-(3) is the Irish ability to tell stories. I have a beauty for you here, courtesy of Waffles*, who went to school in Arkansas for a bit and heard this story from some friends that live there. Coincidentally enough it involves a leprechaun of sorts.

Brought to you by Google Voice, and well worth the 3-minute listen. Just hit the play button:




Oh, what the hell, it's St. Patty's day. Here's another good one from JMill: "Give me the gold...i want the gold!"



*From Talledega Nights, obviously: "Me and Ricky, ever since we were kids, man...we go together like cocaine and waffles." Yup, you guessed it. I'm cocaine. He's waffles.

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Some of Us Look Alike

>> 05 June 2008

Most of you are painfully aware at this point that I am a huge fan of "The Onion," and that when I feel like getting the shallow sense of fulfillment of having completed a blog entry but don't feel like putting in the effort to write on a topic of my own, I usually just steal one of their stories by posting a link and call it good. I know, I know. I want the rush, but don't want to put in the effort. I feel an overbearing high school football coach-esque lecture coming on...

This article has got to be my favorite of all time, though.

It could be because Bruce and I look so eerily similar... you know, once I got to St. George for a Thanksgiving weekend in 2006, stayed in a condo previously inhabited by a -- much to my greedy benefit -- forgetful old woman, and "inherited" a pair of authentic BluBlocker sunglasses. (old woman: If you are reading this, you don't know where I live, and I think the statute of limitations on "theft of much-to-large-for-anyone's-face sunglasses" is a year).

All I need is a lace-up shirt.

And the ability to hurt people. Lots of them.

Hope you enjoyed the article.

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Baseball Brawls

>> 29 March 2008

I may have written about how I don't completely understand baseball. One thing I do enjoy, though, is the more or less sanctioned mass brawls. I got this from "The Onion", titled "History of the Bench-Clearing Brawl." Enjoy.
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The Yankees–Rays spring training brawl was a notable bench-clearer, but hardly exceptional in the grand scheme of things. Onion Sports remembers some of the best:

1861: A pitch thrown by New York Knickerbocker pitcher Chic Paulding at the head of Atlanta's Byron Teagarden starts the Civil War

1898: After getting hit by a pitch, Honus Wagner walks briskly to the pitcher's mound and waves his handkerchief right in Kid Nichols' face

1903: Without realizing they too could fight, the Chicago White Stockings get their asses kicked in their own dugout

1968: While not a bench-clearing brawl, the time when Bob Gibson wordlessly stalked onto the field, cut Ron Santo's throat, and walked back to the dugout is certainly worth mentioning

1972: Following a brushback pitch from Tom Seaver, Dave Kingman storms the mound with his bat and swings it at Seaver; he whiffs nine times in a row before finally connecting and sending Seaver's head 475 feet over the left-field bleachers

1987: Oakland A's manager Tony LaRussa notices his team struggling in a sixth-inning fight with the Texas Rangers, forcing him to call up players from the Triple-A Sacramento River Cats to join in the fray

1998: The Yankees and Orioles engage in what is not so much a bench-clearing brawl as it is a fracas

2002: A controversial strike call during a game between bitter rivals the Houston Astros and St. Louis Cardinals results in a stadium-clearing brawl

2003: In Game 3 of the ALCS, Pedro Martinez grabs Yankee coach Don Zimmer by the head, playfully tosses him to the ground, and then slowly digs his metal cleats into his skull

2006: In a brawl between the Dodgers and Brewers, 78-year-old Tommy Lasorda unexpectedly storms onto the field screams loudly while running around in circles, causing both teams to slowly retreat to their dugouts and look around nervously

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Fake News at Its Finest

>> 23 January 2008

This'll shut PETA up.



Should Animals Be Doing More For The Animal Rights Movement?

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Attn: All DDR & Guitar Hero Fans

>> 14 August 2007

So I am going to say immediately that this is from "The Onion", my favorite newspaper to grab when I'm at a Metro Station here in the DC area, and is by no means an original work of mine. This is way too hilarious for me to think up. Given the recent hype around these games, this is a fitting article (click the image to go to the article). Enjoy.


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