Showing posts with label asian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label asian. Show all posts

Weekly Selects #48

>> 17 February 2011

Fairly slow week, but let's do this:

-Via Email from Lexi, sending me a link to a page titled "Top Ten Most Useless Products Ever" -- my personal favorite was the Wearable Dog House:
I'm happy to say that a Japanese product made the list. Frankly, I would have been shocked if it were otherwise. What I'm sad about is that American society has reached the extent of laziness where we encourage the laziness of our pets. I guess asking your dog to, um, walk, while you go on a walk with him is asking too much of him.

-Via Google Reader Share, perhaps the biggest pair of endearingly nerdy losers:

(Please disregard that both males happen to be Asian)

-Via Email from Case:
I didn't read this, I just saw "Japan" and "Strange" and thought you might be interested.
Well, I didn't read it either -- mostly out of pride. If Case didn't read it, why should I? (This is why I need to hire a screener of the content sent to me). I browsed the photos and it might be worth checking out if you're planning a trip to the Land of the Rising Sun anytime soon...it's an article about "13 of Japan’s Most Strangely Stylish Hotels"

Read more...

Weekly Selects #46

>> 03 February 2011

--Via Email from Sister Jen, an article for all the vegetarians:
my kind of gateway drug (click here for article)
The esteem in which bacon is held can grow no larger, as apparently it serves as the gateway meat through which vegetarians transform from being conscientious abstainers to maniacally tracking, killing, and skinning their own meat and then eating it raw (all of this done, of course, with blood-shot eyes and a frothing mouth).
Why Xena? I have no idea. It was the best picture I could find. 

--Via Email from Josh M:
And I thought the Japanese were nuts...
Yes, there is a restaurant in Taiwan that is toilet-themed. What do I mean by toilet-themed? Here's an excerpt:
In the beginning, we mainly sold ice cream – a big pile of chocolate ice cream sold in containers shaped like a squat toilet.
It is really quite disgusting, actually, and I hope that when China invades Taiwan they launch at least 20 of the 20,000 short-range missiles that they have aimed at the small island-nation at this restaurant. It's all I ask.

Coincidentally, Kate sent me this very amusing article of the 10 Weirdest Restaurants Around the World. It really is worth checking out.


--Via Email from JMill:
This may be one of my favorite videos of all time
Hopefully it works for you. I don't know why this is so funny, but it is.


--Via IM from Josh M (click here for full article):
A woman who appeared on the American program “My Strange Addiction” shocked audiences when she admitted her bizarre habit of eating sofa stuffing....[and] has eaten a total of seven couches and two chairs.
A psychologist said that the woman may need to find other ways to alleviate stress, which I thought was more than obvious. Some better ways to relieve stress, just off the top of my head: ANYTHING BUT EATING SOFA STUFFING.

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Ramblings of a 5-Year Old

>> 25 January 2011

Mrs. RoSA and I teach the 5-year olds at church. G is the one boy in the class who consistently comes, and -- perhaps feeling there is an alpha dog feud to be settled -- is constantly threatening me. The first couple of weeks it started out as veiled threats couched in rhetorical questions (all of the below quotes are said with his face six inches from mine, in what I can only surmise is an attempt to stare me down into submission):

 G: "Do you have any idea how strong I am?"

G: "Do you have any idea how hard I can punch you?"

G: "Did you know that I'm a billion strong? You can't stop me."

This past Sunday, G cut out the rhetoricals and went straight for the direct threats:

G (hand in karate chop shape): "I can karate [sic] you in half...from head..." (moves hand from my head to my feet as if bisecting me) "...to your toes."

The girls have some one-liners, too. Here's one Mrs. RoSA got from one of them:
Girl (referring to me): "Are you in marriage with him?"
Mrs. RoSA: "Yes."
Girl: "He looks like a Chinese man."
(Mrs. RoSA futilely attempts to explain the difference between China and Japan to a 5-year old)

Oh, the joys.

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Et tu, Elise?

>> 10 December 2010

Having the physical features that I do makes me no stranger to being on the receiving end of mistaken identity (Panera Employee: "You're the [Asian] guy who just ordered the coffee, right?" Me: "No. I'm the [Asian] guy about to order a bagel, though.") and mistaken ethnicity ("Can't you read 'dem Chineez pictures?"). 

And who can blame people, really... I mean, it's a common enough occurrence that websites like AllLookSame.com and its "Exam Room" exist, right? East Asians all kind of do look the same, and we all get a Discernment FAIL -- myself included -- when asked to say who is Japanese, who is Korean, or who is Chinese.

I've learned not to get upset about it or take it personally, for the intent to offend is not there, and I don't personally know any of the people. Most of the time I just wryly smile and chuckle about it, and make sure to log it away for storytelling purposes, because I might as well have my friends laugh about it.

Another case of mistaken identity struck about a month ago. Only this time it came from someone I knew. All of my family was in town and at the mall. I was out picking up a friend from the airport. When we all met back up, Papa D had a story to share:
"So we're all at the mall with the kids. Elise [my niece] then walks up to a young, Asian man with gelled hair, and glasses with frames shaped like yours..."

...oh, no. She didn't...
"...and she just walked right up to him and asks him: 'Are you my Uncle Josh, I think?' And she kept asking him and jabbering away at/with him, and would have continued, had we not pulled her away..."

Like I said, when I'm mistaken for another Asian man or vice versa, I'm usually not offended because I don't know the person. But this was different. I should have felt a sense of betrayal at the hands of one my own, right? Like Caesar with Brutus?: "Et tu, Elise? You mistook a random Asian man for me?"

But then I remembered that my niece is 5-years old, and so I laughed. And laughed. And appreciate that in a random and strange mall, my niece went looking for me.

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Why Do We Have Spoilers, Again? -- Photo of the Week 7 June 2010

>> 07 June 2010

This one came in from K Swiss on his morning drive today:

I took this photo using [my wife's] Blackberry this morning on the way to the Metro. Yeah, this happened in my neighborhood
First of all, nothing screams "bad-ass speed" and "I need a spoiler to stay on the ground I'm so fast" than a '93 Accord with "turbo" placed on the back right of the trunk.

But really, if you're going to the trouble of slaping a piece of wood onto your trunk, wouldn't you want to go with something classier than plywood? Like a nice, dark cherry wood? Maybe put a nice dark stain on their to at least make it appear that your spoiler wasn't just a skateboard ramp for a bunch of teenagers? I don't know. Despite my Asianness, I am no expert on Rice Rocketing a car.


Happy Monday, all.

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Weekly Selects #38

>> 27 May 2010

I was asked to fill-in for a dodgeball game last night -- my first organized one -- which was surprisingly fun. My two personal memorable takeaways: (1) The dude on the other team who was pointing people off the court that he had hit, and who also gave me the "come and get some" wave of his hand when it was just me and him left; (2) The Asian-dominated team we were playing thought I was on their team. Oh, good times. And yes, my arm is sore.

Your videos, and then your Highlights:

Videos:
-An Ian McKellen impersonator doing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air intro
-NASA How to Poop in Space Tutorial (a little long, but no wonder they cut the shuttle program)
-Watch me run 300 yards of my marathon (not really all that exciting, but you can hear Casey narrate and Shigeko laugh merrily. Thanks, Jay!) 
-Stupidest commercial EVER (and the song is stuck in my head. I hate whoever made this commercial.)

-Via Email from Casey, who sent a strange article about people in Japan (sigh) whose job is to break-up couples instead of matching them up:

Have an ex that won’t go away?  If you live in Japan, you can call on a wakaresase-ya or "splitter-upper": "The function of the wakaresase-ya is the direct opposite of a dating agency: with great ingenuity, and the right fee, they will prise apart human relationships."  For example, these professionals will trick a spouse or undesirable future daughter-in-law into committing an affair, and provide photographic evidence of the indiscretion. "We produce a drama at the request of our clients," says Osamu Tomiya, a splitter-upper.
I apologize on behalf of Japan.

As sad as this is, and as much as I think that reality TV is ruining television society, these type of guys has the makings of a successful reality show. Some sort of cross between "Rock of Love," "Dog: The Bounty Hunter," and "Survivor." It has manipulation, drama, scandal, and tumultuous relationships -- all key factors in melting American brains into a soupy mass of stupid-reality-show-addicted gruel.*

*(In the interests of full disclosure, I was flipping through channels a couple months back and came across "Jersey Shore"...and was so mesmerized by the Guido World and it's complete deviation from everything I've known to be normal, that I watched for three hours. I just couldn't turn away)

-Via GChat from JMill:
we should go on a high dining experience in NYC
Marijuana-inspired food -- not meaning "special brownies" or anything like that, but meaning food whose creation was inspired whilst under the influence.

Something tells me that the key ingredients to most of these recipes will be Funyuns, Doritos, and pork rinds. Maybe some Oreos.

-Via Email from White Josh:
After seeing this picture, I can't tell what the Japanese would be most concerned about.  The fact that the base is staying in Okinawa, or what this guy wears out in public!  wow

Oh, Prime Minister Hatoyama.

I was more concerned about Hatoyama and his party taking power last year from the Liberal Democratic Party -- a political party that was pretty much in power for 50+ years straight -- and whether his administration would have the cajones to battle entrenched bureaucrats, endemic and pervasive governmental corruption, and Japan's aging society.

But now I'm more concerned about his fashion sense.

-Via Email from Banker, who just got in to a prestigious university in Europe for a postgrad program. In celebration, Josh M got him a gag gift of an Indian dreamcatcher, which Banker mocked. This email came in a couple of weeks later with attachment:
this thing must have brought me luck, as I hung it up last night, and this morning I wake to have an email from *university name* saying that one who was awarded the scholarship declined, and since I was the runner up, guess who gets it?!
(see below)
so thank you for the dream catcher, as it certainly caught something. 
(I'll never make fun of these again)
Lesson: NEVER QUESTION THE POWER OF THE DREAMCATCHER.

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Weekly Selects #34

>> 22 April 2010

Quick Civie update before we get started. I took her in to get fixed with a mechanic who has been fixing cars for local LDS people for what I'm sure has been decades. The mechanic's name is Howard, but I prefer to call him Father Time, because he is quite possibly the oldest mechanic alive. It would not shock me if he started a story with "You know, I remember what I was doing when I found out that McKinley was shot." But Howard's a stud, and knows what he's doing, so I'm hoping for the best.

Okay. Now to this week's highlights:

-Via Google Reader:
Rechristen Yourself with the Wu-Tang Clan Nickname Generator
I know you want to know what my Wu-Tang name is: Misunderstood Demon, son. And I also know that you want to try it yourself. Let me know if you get something you like.


-Via Email from Gina C:
Funny baseball interview: Park Chan-ho, the first Korean to play in Major League Baseball.  After a horrible first game of the 2010 season, Park Chan-ho pitched 3 innings of score-less relief in Game 3.  Reporters asked him what was the difference.  See the interview for his answer...


The funniest part is Park's inability to understand why his teammates are laughing so hard. Someone can correct me if they disagree, but my experience has been that people from east Asian cultures are much more open about discussing toilet-oriented topics.

-Via Email from BreakUpEasy.com:
Subj: JMill has something to tell you: We here at BreakUpEasy.com are sorry to be the ones to tell you that JMill no longer wishes to be with you. Because breaking up with someone can be hard, JMill has decided to use our website to give you this news.
The email expounds on the specific reasons for the breakup.

So they have a break-up websites, now. Huh. What else are cowards going to have the internet do for them in order to avoid confrontation? Beat up the bully at school? Tell the high school band teacher that they're quitting band? Unbelievable.

-Via Email from Drew, a coworker and a huge runner who advocates the "minimalist" approach to running shoes (it gets good around 0:45):
Nike Free Ad


I don't know why this is awesome, but it is. The disclaimer at the end is also a nice touch.

I always answer that if given three wishes by a genie, my first wish would be to be the best breakdancer ever. I think my second may have just become "be a Japanese DJ that mixes with Nike shoes."

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Weekly Selects #32

>> 09 April 2010

Was busy yesterday watching movie plot hole after movie plot hole unfold as undeveloped characters delivered cliched dialogue in a special effects extravaganza; and yet still found myself entertained. Thanks, Clash of the Titans. So here we go a day late with some DC, and I apologize to any readers who are not able to see embedded YouTube clips, as I received a lot of these this past week. Let's do this:

-Via Gchat from Banker:

something for your blog?


Um, yes, please, and THANK YOU. These are all great, but I honestly think Arnold was best in Pumping Iron, mostly because it was a documentary (the key: NO ACTING REQUIRED) and you just got to watch Arnold brag about himself in all of his bulging, symmetrical, Adonis-like physical perfection. In college we called the Blockbuster (back when Netflix hadn't rendered "video stores" obsolete) to ask if they had it:

Us: Hi, do you have Pumping Iron?
Blockbuster Dude: Um. Let me check The movie from 1977?
Us: Yes. That's the one.
Blockbuster Dude: Yes, we have it.
Us: Okay. We'll come get it right now. Actually, could you hold on to it for us? Just to make sure no one grabs it?
Blockbuster Dude: ...Uh, I don't think that's going to be a problem. But sure.

-Via Google Reader share, some selected analogies and metaphors found in high school students' essays. Aspiring writers, TAKE NOTES:
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef
There are just too many good ones here. If you are/know a K-12 teacher, please keep record of these. These are priceless, if not humiliating later in life for the children.

-Via Google Reader share, the best custom pizza I've ever seen:

"I be tossin' and flossin', my style is awesome."

-Via Email from Kate:
I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry



My personal favorite is the sister in the middle seat. The disdainful look of utter disapproval at her parents' insensitivity, coupled with the folded arms, is amazing. If I ever get a look like that from my future daughter I'll probably curl up in a ball and never speak again.

PS I need to kidnap an Asian child.

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Weekly Selects #31

>> 01 April 2010

some older ones i've been meaning to get to, and some new ones...

-Via Email from Saree, from Awkward Family Photos:

you must, must, must click on this link
 I only have two questions regarding the Bacon Brothers:
1) Are those vests textured?
2) Do we have a grill large enough to slap all three of the brothers on and get some breakfast going?

-Via IM from Josh M, with some high points during the first minute and around the 4:23- and the 5:00-marks:
More gems

It's like The Star Wars Kid, but in this case the kid actually knows he's being taped AND that it's going to go on the internet.

If you have the time, the whole thing is as watchable as a Barry Sanders highlight reel -- you know, if Sanders were an uncoordinated, mulleted marshmallow of a man aspiring to swordsmanship prowess, all while wearing a sweatsuit with cliched Asian logos on it.

The "DRAGON TWISTER" at 5:04 is a study in kinetic grace and beauty, like the Moscow Ballet (is that a real thing?) but I'm more interested in the origins of the name...The Kentucky Fried Chickens in Japan had a wrap called the Dragon Twister... and the kid has a nice little gut going, indicating overeating of something. Possible connection?

-Via Google Reader share, a New York Post article from the writer of the Battlefield Earth script, apologizing for writing the worst movie story ever. My favorite excerpt:
[Travolta] said again how much he loved the script and called it "The Schindler's List of sci-fi"
I make horribly outlandish and hyperbolized comparisons. But that was the worst I've ever heard of/thought of/imagined thinking of.

Well, I've been waiting for a decade for justice to be served, for some sort of atonement to be made for this awful excuse for a movie. Is an apology in a newspaper enough? Probably not. But it's a start.

-Via Email from Midge, a final video:
stupid, but fitting for a thursday morning


I'm a very active sleeper. Blankets and such usually end up on the floor, and I've been known to jump off a 2nd-level bunkbed before, but running into a wall headfirst is still on the to-do list.

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Where's the Minority B Roll?

>> 30 March 2010

Uh. Stock footage is awesome:



I feel like I could be a stock footage star, much like I was during my Independent Study days.

If you were paying attention to the ad with a keen (read: overly sensitive) eye, I didn't see any minorities in that B Roll. Minorities get frustrated paying bills, too, you know, just as we also put our hands on walls when we're depressed.

Everyone KNOWS that if a company doesn't at least fake like they have a little diversity in their workplace (see posters hanging up in your respective Human Resources' departments at work, displaying diversity), no one is going to buy your products/services because YOU ARE RACIST BASTARDS AND THE ACLU IS COMING AFTER YOU.

But really, think about it. I could effortlessly provide all kinds of B Roll just by having a camera crew follow me around for a day. Here's how it would go:
"Need B Roll of a minority:
Falling asleep at work? Maybe drooling on his desk?
Eating bacon for breakfast? How 'bout for Lunch? Dinner? Midnight snack?
Yelling at old people driving slow? Getting pulled over and racially profiled by a cop? WE GOT THAT B ROLL.
Need B Roll of a minority doing other things, like:
Acting offended at innocuous joke made by coworkers? Laughing uncontrollably at 30 Rock? Weeping inconsolably at generic chick flick? Doing completely manly yet impractical things like eating shards of glass? Procrastinating taking out the garbage? WE GOT THAT B ROLL."

See. We minorities do ordinary things just like the rest of you. Problem is -- we get more credit for doing it.

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Weekly Selects #24

>> 28 January 2010

another week, another set of digital correspondence...

-Via Gchat from AM:

venus williams is retarded
photo by AFP/Getty Images

Skin-colored underwear while playing tennis in a short skirt? THE WORLD DOES NOT POSSESS ENOUGH EYE BLEACH.

-Via Email from Sister Jen and the Frizzle, who sent an article about eye-detection software on digital cameras that is supposed to detect when people blink in photos. Apparently, the software is mistakenly claiming that Asians are blinking when in actuality they are not. An upset Asian customer said:
"No, I did not blink... I'm just Asian!"
Well, I'm going to start getting upset only when calculators with eye-detection software start saying "You look like you should be good at math and shouldn't need to use me. Shutting down."


-Via Google Reader from Rijen, an article titled "Prison Maintains Ban on Dungeons & Dragons." An excerpt that explains why it was banned:
officials at Wisconsin Waupun prison feel that D&D "promoted gang-related activity and was a threat to security."
The prisoner's grounds for appealing in the first place?
[the ban] "violated his free speech and due process rights."
Well, the ACLU will come sweeping in to save the day, I'm sure...and by save the day I mean be stupid and actually take up a lawsuit. I personally feel that this prison is doing this man a great service. Part of the prison system's job is help prepare inmates to reintegrate into normal society, nothing would facilitate this more than removing D&D from his life.

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Weekly Selects #23

>> 21 January 2010

A fairly uneventful week, but for what it's worth...

-Via Gchat from Casey, a hilarious review for this item on Amazon.com:

And some excerpts from the review:
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened.
The rest of the product review reads like an adventure out of Gulliver's Travels, if only Swift had the foresight to write "Part V: A Voyage to Walmart in My Howling Wolf T-shirt."

Sigh. If only.

-Via a Comment on one of my previous blog posts from Anonymous:
I wish not agree on it. I think warm-hearted post. Expressly the title-deed attracted me to review the intact story.
Well, thank you, Anonymous, you are too kind. That is the most flattering non-sensical comment I've ever received. Anonymous has recently become a big fan of the blog, leaving all kinds of comments, and I thank him/her for the support. Especially the unbelievably annoying attempts to get me to use Viagra. (DAMN YOU BLOG-SPAMMERS)

-Via Gchat from Butz, just today:
dude my life is so lame and so detached from all things cool.
this is why I need your blog.
you are the last thread tieing me to what's cool.
If I'm the last thing tying Butzie to "what's cool," then that is a very, very thin thread, my friend. And to answer your next question, Butz is a PhD student. In economics. So that pretty much explains the rest of it.

-Via Google Reader from SlashFilm:
A 42-year-old Taiwanese man died of a stroke, which his doctor claims was likely triggered by “over-excitement” from watching James Cameron’s Avatar in 3D.
Back at school, my group of friends had what we termed the "BS Flag," which we would throw any time someone claimed something outlandish. I am throwing that flag now. Look, I'm sorry the guy died, but you know exactly what my guess is: He wanted to, as White Josh said, "go to Pandora -- so he committed suicide by giving himself a stroke."

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Weekly Selects #19

>> 24 December 2009

It is an Asian-oriented (I'm HILARIOUS) week of digital correspondence. Let's get to it:


-Via Facebook from Chunk:

Thought you might appreciate this. Gets worth watching at about 3 min in.


And appreciate it I did. Like with bacon, I never tire of Engrish -- but toss in some extra ingredients like an attractive girl and a dude using memorized, elementary school-taught English phrases in an attempt to seduce said girl, and you've got yourself a tasty breakfast sandwich of hilarious futility.

-Via Email from White Josh:
funny Japanese stuff


20 bucks says that one of these competitors suffered a Greg Oden-like knee injury. Have you ever tried to kick something and then it wasn't there? Painful.

But in complete seriousness, leave it to the Japanese to revolutionize things. Mark my words: This invention will be the Gutenberg of fringe sports. Think about it. Insert your fringe sport of choice after Binocular. Binocular Roller Derby: Tattoed, aggressive women rolling along with wheels on their feet -- and no depth perception. Binocular Bobsled: Dudes crammed into an unprotected sled flying at hundreds of miles per hour. Oh, and they have binoculars strapped to their eyes. Binocular Monster Truck Rally: The ensuing mayhem would be a mess of beer cans and mullets, but I would watch -- and you know you would, too.

-Via TXT from 'Manders:
Today i walked through Wal-Mart with an arm load of granny panties...havent done that in a while.
I could be forthcoming by telling you that Amanda was doing something charitable for the needy during the Christmas season, but I'd rather let you and your imagination have a heyday trying to explain this completely OUT OF THE BLUE text. My initial thoughts were confused. Very confused. As in staring-blankly-at-my-phone-for-10-seconds-straight confused. But I hope someone who saw you snapped a photo, and you are now up on peopleofwalmart.com, Amanda.

-Via Email from the Frizzle:
My brother Bryan was opening his fortune cookie from the Chinese place in town...and it said: Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Fortune cookies used to be basic, like "You will be rich," "You will find happiness," or "The drunk clown is coming for you when the clock strikes midnight." If I want the universe's ironies and paradoxes pointed out to me, I'm going to listen to Alanis Morissette watch Jon Stewart, son. China, just get back to the fundamentals of fortune cookie-ing.

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Weekly Selects #9

>> 08 October 2009

This week featured a handful. Enjoy

-Via TXT from White Josh; while watching a session of our church's worldwide General Conference in which the speaker, a man of the Asian persuasion, Korean flavor, spoke about some men whom he knew when they were young and "rowdy." After the speaker threw up a picture of them, Josh sent:

That was the aewesomest picture of asian bad a's i have ever seen !!!!!
Don't worry; I hunted down a still capture of the photo:


I need some pleated jeans and a sleeveless t-shirt.

-Via IM with Josh M,
when I pointed out that one morning I heard the squirrels that have invaded the walls of our apartment:
you should have captured them and THROWN THEM ON THE GROUND
This, of course, was based on an SNL music video we saw last Saturday. Its connection with coherence, much like Lindsay Lohan and sobriety, is tenuous at best -- in honesty, absolutely non-existent. But I suppose therein lies the hilarity:



Whenever something frustrates me now, I see the object in my mind's eye slamming into the ground in slo-mo. Granted, the slow-motion filming of a squirrel being thrown to the ground would be excessively graphic, like watching a Michael Vick-hosted documentary on the torture methods of the Spanish Inquisition, and would no doubt elicit some sort of inane lawsuit from PETA. At the very least it would get their celebrity spokesmen to strip naked in some form of ineffectual protest.

-Via Email from DougC, whom I wanted to guest blog but is working like a slave and has no time. With regards to an important test results he is awaiting, he petitioned:
Maybe if you have a ancient Japanese ritual you could perform on my behalf it would help...or if nothing else a Mormon-style prayer.
It's rare that someone places enough faith in me to importune my help with something that actually matters, so consider it done, Doug: Incense sticks have been lit, ancestors have been importuned, stomachs have been slit. You get the idea.

-Via Email link from JMill, to this article:

Some dude made a coffee table based on an NES controller -- nerdy, right? Well, dig deeper into the story's goldmine of dweebdom, you'll discover the bonus: The controller is fully functional. This reminds me of back when my old roommates, Jay and Johnny, had a multi-week de facto pissing contest via Contra proxy. They were competing to see who could beat the game in the least amount of time. Good luck entering the 30-life bonus code with this size controller.

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The Addiction and Teacher That is Speed Scrabble

>> 28 August 2009

Thanks to a scarring game of Risk ("Ukraine is not weak!!") back in 2000 I tend to avoid board games; the exception, of course, being the occasional game of Mah-Jongg. Who doesn't want to place vital organs as collateral for a $10,000 bet every once in a while, am I right?? Anyway, regardless of my professed dislike for board games, I have recently become addicted to Speed Scrabble.

What's Speed Scrabble, you ask?

Speed Scrabble (SS) is to nerdy board-gamers what cocaine was to 80s celebrities: It is fast-paced, exhilarating, addictive, and the source of numerous unnatural nosebleeds. In the case of SS, the reason is either because the game got so intense participants came to fisticuffs, or the breakneck pace and overexertion from the game melted their brains. (***If you're bored enough to read the rules, I will put those at the bottom***)

Let's just leave the Speed Scrabble-Cocaine analogy there.

One friend, whom I will anonymize, put it this way:

This is utterly ridiculous to admit, but I dreamed about Speed Scrabble last night. I actually awoke to myself arranging words beginning with "q". Kinda weird.
Lessons Learned

SS has even taught me some valuable life lessons. The two that come most readily to mind are "pride cometh before the fall" and "those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."

Let me share a story that illustrates both. In the first game of what would become a 3-hour SS marathon, I came storming out of the blocks -- jumping out to a quick lead and catching my opponents at unawares. I foolishly declared:
"I guess you could call that my Pearl Harbor."
I guess it seemed like an apt analogy at the time, what with the quick strike and my Japanese heritage and all. For all of you not familiar with the Pacific Theater of WW2, however, here's the major problem with my poorly thought-out analogy: Japan LOST WW2! It was decimated!! Japan may have "won" Pearl Harbor, but even Admiral Yamamoto said afterward: "I fear all we have done is awakened a sleeping tiger." And he wasn't talking those pansy circus tigers that jump through hoops. He was talking the mean ones that want to tear your limbs off and eat you (avid PETA supporters being no exception). Pearl Harbor was really just the beginning of the end for Japan.

And so it was with me; my initial victory accomplished very little except to "awaken the tiger" (read: gave Mitch a reason to shut my gloating mouth up and decisively trounce me and everyone else under her feet). It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I doomed myself to suffer the same fate as the Empire did in WW2 because I declared victory too soon.

So, chalk one History Comparison FAIL for me. Sigh.


***Speed Scrabble Explained***
You lay all of the scrabble tiles facedown in the middle of the table, everyone takes seven, then tries to build their own set of words as quickly as possible, using all tiles. Once they have used the seven tiles in their own hand, they say "go" and everyone draws two from the pile and so on until all the tiles are used up. Then you count up points based on the points on each tile, subtracting points for the tiles left over.

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Crotch Shot Humor -- Photo of the Week 24 Aug 2009

>> 24 August 2009

Call it juvenile, but some things never lose their humor:

Photo sent by Josh M.

I think Shaolin monks are known for their ability to tolerate enormous amounts of pain. Taking a Karate Kid-esque Flying Crane kick to the equipment would most definitely fall into that category. And based on the photo backdrop, I can only deduce that this is taking place in some Asian house of legislation, where instead of pounding a gavel or ringing a bell to begin new parliamentary sessions, the Speaker of the House commits an atrocity against a buddhist monk. Look at all the pent-up frustration in that lawmaker's face! There must be a testy piece of health care legislation on the debate docket.

My sister Jen asked me once why, as males, we laugh uproariously when a fellow man is struck in the man-area. Dodgeballs, fists, knees, wrenches... Any object hitting a man in the crotch with violent force -- for whatever inane reason -- is hilarious to us. Except, of course, if we're on the receiving end. In those cases, all we can muster is a weak yelp and collapse in nauseating pain. This leads me to conclude that we men possess none of the following: 1) Maturity; 2) empathy; 3) a belief in karmic retribution.

While I'm at it, some things that will never lose their humor, just off the top of my head:

Watching other men try to show off -- and fail : I was in the gym at work this past week and there was a man in a t-shirt, nicely-pressed slacks, and heavy-looking dress shoes running on the treadmill. It looked uncomfortable. He was loudly commenting to the man on the adjacent treadmill "Yeah, I haven't worked out in like 8 months!" and then proceeded to crank the treadmill pace up to 12.5 mph. Genius! As I listened/watched the man plod along in his dress shoes -- he sounded like a Clydesdale whose hooves had been soaked in cement, were left to dry, and now was galloping full force on them -- I just knew something was going to happen. And something did. He lost his footing and fell, luckily catching himself before flying off the treadmill. Thank goodness he was not injured -- both for himself, and the fact that if he had been, I would be an a-hole for relaying this incident and laughing every time I think about it.

People that are heavily involved in Medieval reenactments: No explanation needed, but in case you needed a reminder, click away.


Happy Monday, all. Men: be protective of your manhood this week. Also, depending on how my schedule works out, it could be a good writing week. Stay tuned.

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Highlights for the Week

>> 12 August 2009

Correspondence via snail mail is pretty much done. Pen pals; creepy stalkers sending letters; vomit-inducing love letters; these are all a thing of the past.

Nowadays it's done instantly through email, texting, Facebook, and -- much to my annoyance -- Twitter. It's a Digital Correspondence (DC) age, for better or worse.

So here are some of my DC highlights from the week:

--Via email from my marathon consigliere, Coach, who occasionally has issue a virtual reprimand to me when I deviate from his assigned schedules. This snippet is not a reprimand, but hilarious:

"I have some concern about how the perm will affect your athletic performance. However, hair-style advice is likely beyond the bounds of my responsibilities as a coach. You look pretty hot though."
--Via TXT from White Josh, re: his first day of med school:
"Easily 1/3 of class is of the azn descent. Crazy"
The only thing that surprises me about this is that it wasn't higher. Let's face it, my people are taking over the hard sciences and technical fields, while disgraceful halfies like myself study in a liberal arts major, and are left to hang our heads in the shame we have brought upon our ancestors' computationally-inclined households.

--Via Email from Jay, re: awkward shirtless photos the GA Tech FB team took for PR purposes (including one picture below). I sent them to Jay for two reasons: 1) he went to grad school there; 2) Back in college he liked to walk around shirtless -- to the extent that we considered marketing a "Poolside Tanner" calendar for the neighborhood ladies. Just various photos of Jay shirtless. His reply to my email:
"I did rail slide naked in the background, but they must have photoshopped that out."
Can't wait for the video of that one to go viral, Jay!

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Mind Your Surroundings, Kid

>> 04 August 2009

Not a fan of just posting YouTube clips, because anyone can do that, but every once in a while you find those gems that sell themselves. This is one of those...with an awesome ending.



What kind of educational system were the Kiwis developing down in New Zealand? More importantly, is it still in place? Because if it is, I will be postponing my lifelong goal of vacationing in New Zealand -- indefinitely.

This kid could have benefited from the advice Dukat/Raz Agul gave Bruce Wayne when they were doing all kinds of crazy ninja-ness on the ice: "Always mind your surroundings." I guess in this case Dukat would have to amend the statement with "...especially when you're on television, and when there are Asian people around."

Also, I want to see the kid's score on the word association portion of the SAT.

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On the Brain

>> 25 July 2009

So my managers at work thought that something I had volunteered for (been coerced/guilted into) was amazing (it wasn't) and had a huge impact (it didn't), so for my hard work (I slacked off) they gave me a kingly gift certificate to Chipotle. And, apparently, my hyper-contrarian and underachieving inner monologue has decided to manifest itself in a blog post today in parenthetical form (you'd better believe it, jacka**).

At any rate. The other morning I was in a meeting with two others, discussing contracts and workflow processes and talking about the "rubber hitting the road" and the undesirable nature of "reinventing the wheel" and all that annoying corporate-speak. I don't know. Honestly, I was paying attention to what was going on, but I was also starving. So, I did what all wise people do when they're hungry: I thought about food. And how much I wanted it. And how I was going to break in my Chipotle gift certificate as soon as this meeting was over.

At that moment a question was directed at me. My response?

"Chipotl--"

It wasn't a Turrets-like outburst, but I think if I didn't catch myself at that moment, the rest of the hunger-induced spew out of my mouth would have been: "Burrito, black beans, barbacoa, corn salsa, sour cream, guac, extra cheese!" (All of you just walked down that Chipotle assembly line with me just then...I know you did)

Well, I caught myself, and managed to salvage a level of coherence in my answer. Dodged the bullet.

I'm guessing the other two just attributed my initial gibberish to my English-is-not-my-first-language appearance. It's cool.

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The Perm -- Photo of the Week 13 July 2009

>> 13 July 2009

This week's is a doozy. The wager finally came to fruition.


The reactions have ranged all across the spectrum: Lots of doubletakes (myself in the mirror in the morning; everybody at church); extreme dread and anxiety, like a parent sending their child to their first day of school (AM before seeing the perm); semi-relief and a "it's not as bad as it could have been" (AM after seeing the perm); incapable of looking at me without laughing uncontrollably (Midge); rending of clothing, refusal to be comforted, and desperate beseeching to PLEASE cut my hair ('manders); disappointed headshaking, like I had been convicted and sentenced to do 10-15 in the State Pen (Josh M); backhanded comment about no longer possessing self-respect (DJA); "John Lennon called...he wants his hair back...No, seriously though: Get a haircut." (Banker); being told I should host a Japanese game show (Chunk). That's just the tip of the iceberg.

I'll tell you the worst part, though. My hair reeked like moldy butt. Seriously.

Anyway, I considered growing a mustache and going for an Adam Morrison-type look, but I would have needed to be ten times uglier, twenty times creepier, and willing to flush my social life down the drain. I still can't believe this guy has an NBA championship ring:



Happy Monday, everyone. Be grateful your coworkers have at least an ounce of respect for you. Mine may have at some point. But won't. Ever.

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