A (Hopefully) Fortunate Series of Events

Last week, it all changed. The ball started rolling when I checked my Gmail Inbox.

--The Initial Tip-Off:

That's a screenshot of my Gmail Inbox. Yes, I understand the disturbing implications of me having daily Google Alerts on anything about the Beastie Boys sent to my inbox. Get over it.

--The What:
--The Details:
Richmond Coliseum, Richmond, VA Tues, Oct 28 2008 7:00PM. I seem to remember Richmond having one of the higher homicide rates in the nation. I hope they've taken care of that by the time I get there. It's a "Get Out and Vote" concert, so I will likely get an earful of political propaganda, but I've endured much worse for much less.

Anyone who wishes to see me scream like a 14-year old girl at a Backstreet Boys concert, tickets may still be on sale at ticketmaster.com.


--The Unknown Variable:
How long is the Beasties' set going to be? How long are we going to have to suffer through listening to these other losers? Correction, "losers" may be a little harsh; Jack Johnson's music has a kicked back, all-I-want-to-do-is-surf-and-smoke-pot charm to it, and Norah Jones is good Sunday music. Aside from being attractive for a 46-year old (a "Diane Lane All-Star Team" member, according to Bill Simmons) and having dated Lance Armstrong at one point, I know nothing about Sheryl Crow. All I'm saying is this mix of artists has me nervous that the Boys are going to pull a George Washington (don't give me this "written in the Constitution" crap. I'm not buying it.) and step down to make room for lesser performers. I would prefer that they pull an FDR.

--The Possible Obstacle:
I'm scheduled to work that day; a 10am-10pm shift. I emailed my supervisors to let me swap shifts with someone for that day, but haven't heard back yet. I realize planning usually goes in the reverse order (ie make sure you can go and THEN buy the tickets), but if tickets got sold out because I was waiting to hear back on work schedules, I'm pretty sure I'd commit seppuku right then and there.

--The Context / Implications:

Until this week, life was an unsatisfying, burdensome, and hollow culmination of "life lessons," schooling, diplomas and degrees, working a real job, and relationships with friends and family.* The reason for this gaping abyss of unfulfillment that likely would have haunted me to my deathbed: I had yet to see the Beastie Boys in concert (see this entry for previous scarring attempts at attending a Beasties' concert), and based on their age, it seemed they would not tour again and my life would remain in the metaphorical toilet. This changes that. It was meant to be.

What I'm saying is as far as destiny and import are concerned, my attendance at this concert ranks somewhere between Frodo destroying the Ring and Luke Skywalker toppling the Emperor and the Dark Side.

Keep your fingers crossed that I can work my schedule out. If I don't, the mere fact that I had tickets at one point might serve as some sort of fulfillment for me.

Maybe.

*Relax, friends and family: I'm going for effect here.

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My The Dark Knight Anxiety

Let's talk neuroses. And instead of me being a jerk and targeting someone else, let's talk about mine.

The things I'm going to talk about may make me seem more dysfunctional as an individual than the entire Bluth family on "Arrested Development" combined, but it's all good. We all have our eccentricities. Mine just happen to manifest themselves in trivial things like movies and sports.

I'm a movie guy. Love them. But I've experienced so many colossal disappointments when it comes to sequels, usually due to my own elevated expectations being combined with horrible screenwriting (some notable disappointments: The Land Before Time II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, and XII, Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, the aforementioned X-Men 3, etc), that I knew in order to survive my heightened anxiety leading up to the premier of The Dark Knight, I needed to seriously manage expectations. It was the only way I was going to walk out of the movie and not slit my guts open in order to preserve what little honor I would have left.

I've spent multiple blog entries singing the praises of Batman Begins, so I need you to realize that as 18 July 2008 crept closer, I felt like I was doing alternating emotional shots of anxiety and excitement and chasing them down with sleeping pills. I guess so you can empathize with me a bit, try to recall your feelings before each of the following experiences that each of us have:

1. First job interview
2. First public speaking assignment

3. First prison yard fight¹
4. First date

They are all feelings of the "I hope I'm not overwhelmingly humiliated / disappointed after this is over"-variety, right? (I guess with example 3, there is the added "I hope I don't end up with a prison shank in my back" aspect to the feelings. But whatever). Those emotions are what I was feeling about seeing The Dark Knight.

So like I said before, in order to avoid disappointment, I needed to manage expectations. How did I do in the leadup? Well, judge for yourself...

*****

---"I'm going black"---
As I sent out an email to my group of friends, checking on who wanted to go with me on opening night, I ended the email with a request that went something like this: "From here on out, I'm going black.² I ask that no one send me links to reviews, trailers, or anything related to this movie. I'm experiencing some anxiety for the first time in my life and don't need to have unrealistic expectations for how good it's going to be."

That's right. I went on complete radio silence from the media machine that was promoting the movie. Even those stupid Dominoes Pizza commercials warranted me quickly changing the channel. I didn't want to see any of it.

---Inexplicable Hayden Christensen Fear?---
About a week and a half before the movie came out, this crazy fear of mine started to develop that The Dark Knight would open with this sick action scene, the camera would move in on Batman, and then he would take the helmet off to reveal... Hayden Christensen. That's right. The whiny kid from Star Wars who's got that "I listen to Nirvana all day, why the hell do you think I'm always depressed?" face. It's probably because I had seen Jumper earlier this year (the absolute dregs of 2008 cinema), which solidified Christensen's Paul Walker status as a horrible actor. It would have been a perfect way for the movie to be ruined for me.

This fear of a horrible, horrible movie was only perpetuated when, on the night of the 17th, TNT was having a Batman marathon in anticipation of the premiere. Which movie happened to be on? Batman & Robin. It MAY -- and I don't use this classification lightly, so please realize the gravity of what I'm saying here -- have been on the same level as Battlefield Earth. I started thinking to myself: What if Christopher Nolan has gone nuts since Batman Begins, and decided to model The Dark Knight after Batman & Robin?? Did he request nipple-suits for the actors? Did he hire 5-year olds to draft his screenplay?

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well that night.

Again. Me. Crazy.

---"What Are You Doing?"---
I usually don't do too well at work on Fridays. I have a short enough attention span as it is, and when the weekend is almost there, I get antsy. Pile on top of that everything I just rambled about, and I was getting fidgety come Friday afternoon of the 18th. I needed to blow some extra energy so I unwittingly started shadow-boxing in my cubicle.

"What are you doing?" One of my coworkers asked from my cubicle entrance.
"Shadow-boxing."
"Yeah. But why?" He looked at me like I was crazy.
I looked back at him like he was crazy: "Don't you know? The Dark Knight opens tonight."

*****

The good news is that The Dark Knight was amazing, I am going to see it in IMAX soon, and my life has returned to normal.

Bad news is that with college football just around the corner, the anxiety is likely to return.

1 - My agent said I should expand my readership by appealing to a "wider demographic." He suggested I begin with the incarcerated segment of our population.

2 - Anybody on this email chain can easily go back and see that I didn't type "I'm going black," but I wish I had. It just sounds better.

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Bite me, Beckham

If I have to hear one more attempt by the media to make a clever play on words using "Bend it Like Beckham" to allude to the arrival of David Beckham and his wife to America, I may have to do myself a favor and commit seppuku (click here for an opportunity to learn about another culture). Anybody who would like me to act as their second, just let me know.

My title may not embody American hospitality, so I apologize; I have nothing personal against Beckham. In fact, I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's a nice person.

My beef here is two-fold. I take issue with the media latching onto anything so that they can get more readers / viewers (no, I'm not an idiot and realize that this is what the media does to stay in business...), and I take issue with overrated athletes. Beckham is one of these. He's just a washed-up pretty boy that has a limited set of soccer skills.

I grew up playing soccer and it is still one of my favorite sports, and in a way I think it's good that a well known name is coming here to raise US appreciation and understanding of the game. Beckham will probably open some doors and draw some bigger crowds. Don't fool yourself, though. His alleged desire to spread "love of the game" may or may not be linked to the exorbitant amount of money he will earn (possibly $50mill/year).

But I'm guessing the novelty will wear off soon. The ultimate irony to me is that as people come to understand soccer better, as Beckham hopes, they will realize that he's just not that good.

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