March Laziness, or Procrastination

Every year around February, I always tell myself I will start following college basketball so that I can be prepared for March Madness. It never happens.

Every year, the week before the Madness starts, I always tell myself I'll do some research so I can give myself a puncher's chance in my friends' bracket. That never happens, either.

So the night before/day of the tournament, I throw together my bracket -- basing it on how the teams did last year -- and hope that history repeats itself... which it never does, because, as is hinted at in its name, the tournament is madness, pandemonium, and chaos.

The result is that I am always somewhere in the middle of my bracket challenge. I have grown used to mediocrity, but that's fine because the games are still fun to watch.

Slightly related endnote. I thought the following headline on ESPN.com from Saturday was lame: If Florida (2-seed) is ranked higher than UCLA (7-seed), what is informative about a headline that says the better team will be a "tough" opponent for the lower-ranked team?

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Irish Politics & Media -- Photo of the Week 30 Jan 2011

You may have heard -- the Irish were (still are?) up the creek, economically-speaking, and the government used a bailout as their paddle. The media was none too happy about it and expressed their anger thusly. 

Now, this is a newspaper headline about politicians that I can get behind.

Speaking of Ireland and financial woes, I am going to share a theory that I call "The Sisters' McD Corollary." (McD = Mrs. RoSA's maiden name) It is something I hypothesized a month or so ago, and which received further supporting evidence this weekend.

See, Mrs. RoSA and her sisters like to travel to foreign countries, and I have noticed the following pattern with their last few trips: Whichever foreign country the Sisters' McD travel to will thereafter experience financial/economic/political ruin.

Here's my proof:
--May 2007 -- Three of the McD sisters visit Iceland. In fall 2008, the Iceland economy collapses.
--August 2008 -- The entire McD clan visits Greece, and one of the sisters returns in July 2009. In spring 2010, the Greek economy collapses.
--May 2010 -- Four of the McD sisters visit Ireland. In fall 2010, the Irish government announces the bailout that spurred the above-pictured headline
--January 2011 -- The youngest of the sisters visits Egypt -- her mere presence single-handedly causes riots against the Egyptian government on the very same day of her arrival.

Admittedly, I haven't really used vigorous statistical analysis to prove my point, but four anecdotes isn't bad. Basically what I'm saying is that the McD sisters, while very sweet and lovely, are the harbingers of economic destruction and/or political instability to countries that they visit. So watch out, Holland. They want to come on a visit to do some genealogical research. Brace yourselves.

Oh, I found this beauty while looking up the Irish bailout info:

Sometimes British Isles English is so much better.

Happy Monday! Pray that the McD Sisters do not pay YOU a visit, lest your home collapse in economic woe.

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NOT David vs. Goliath

Can we please stop calling the Duke v. Butler championship game "David vs. Goliath," just because the casual basketball fan hasn't heard of Butler? There's a reason Butler got a 5-seed in the tourney and won 33 games this season: They're good, and have been for years.

But, as the media is unwaveringly cliched and uncreative, they have resorted to the ol' David vs. Goliath comparison. Duke can still be Goliath -- that's an apt enough comparison -- but can Butler be some other physically large, though more obscure, figure?

JMill suggested Andre the Giant. Done. Insert any pro wrestler of your choice, really. And while "Andre the Giant vs. Goliath" doesn't quite roll off the tongue like David vs. Goliath does, at least it's more accurate.

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Where's the Minority B Roll?

Uh. Stock footage is awesome:



I feel like I could be a stock footage star, much like I was during my Independent Study days.

If you were paying attention to the ad with a keen (read: overly sensitive) eye, I didn't see any minorities in that B Roll. Minorities get frustrated paying bills, too, you know, just as we also put our hands on walls when we're depressed.

Everyone KNOWS that if a company doesn't at least fake like they have a little diversity in their workplace (see posters hanging up in your respective Human Resources' departments at work, displaying diversity), no one is going to buy your products/services because YOU ARE RACIST BASTARDS AND THE ACLU IS COMING AFTER YOU.

But really, think about it. I could effortlessly provide all kinds of B Roll just by having a camera crew follow me around for a day. Here's how it would go:
"Need B Roll of a minority:
Falling asleep at work? Maybe drooling on his desk?
Eating bacon for breakfast? How 'bout for Lunch? Dinner? Midnight snack?
Yelling at old people driving slow? Getting pulled over and racially profiled by a cop? WE GOT THAT B ROLL.
Need B Roll of a minority doing other things, like:
Acting offended at innocuous joke made by coworkers? Laughing uncontrollably at 30 Rock? Weeping inconsolably at generic chick flick? Doing completely manly yet impractical things like eating shards of glass? Procrastinating taking out the garbage? WE GOT THAT B ROLL."

See. We minorities do ordinary things just like the rest of you. Problem is -- we get more credit for doing it.

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Metasatire -- Praise it

Satire exposes the flaws, weaknesses, and idiosyncracies of a political/social/etc system or group; its effectiveness lies in its ability to push equivocation aside and directly address the heart of the problem by using humor (I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I JUST TYPED BUT IT SOUNDS RIGHT). Well, whatever it is, I like satire mostly because it's FUNNY.

Take this device up a level to what I will term "metasatire" -- where things are mocked in vague generalities -- and you see exactly how formulaic things in our society such as our 24-hour news programs (first clip) and movies (second clip) have become.

Man, oh man, I love these clips... but it's a little scary to see that we are getting fed this stuff over and over...

The Onion News mocking the news, courtesy of Banker (WARNING: a bit of language here)


Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

And the mockery of the Oscars (courtesy of C. Dees)




Sigh. Wistful, yet resigned statement about my inferior creativity and sense of humor relative to the creators of these two videos.

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Just When it Can't Get Any Worse...

The internet is a timewaster's paradise, but I think it has reached an all-time low (on top of the pornography and spammers). We had Nic Cage as Everyone -- now, I give you Selleck Waterfall Sandwich:

The title of the blog and the criteria for submitting pictures is pretty self-explanatory, once you get past the randomness of the three items: A sandwich, a waterfall, and Tom Selleck. Like I said. The internet has reached rock-bottom.

Anyone who had anything to do with the development of the internet just collectively rolled over in their graves. And anybody who is still alive that helped in the development of the internet just experienced an aneurysm and then rolled over in their graves. Al Gore included.

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Blackberry and The Beatles

I'm up late watching another bowl game that is of no interest to me -- it's really just a final binge of football watching before I go into withdrawals starting in February.

The unfortunate part of watching this game right now is that my demographic (football fan staying up until 2am) seems to be the target of this annoying Blackberry ad, which keeps running over and over again:



These have to be some of the most redundant lyrics ever. Really. They are mind-numbingly stupid:

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.

Rough translation of the lyrics: If you can do X, X is not impossible to do. PROFOUND. And then the text at the end of the commercial also reminds us to "Do what you love -- Love what you do." Thanks, Blackberry! The wisdom you have chosen to impart to us is invaluable. We had almost forgotten that possible things are NOT impossible, and that we should do things that we like to do. Unbelievable.

I did some further research and the song was originally written by the Beatles. Coincidentally, I just got back from a Beatles Rock Band Party with friends and we talked about how the Beatles were not lyrical savants. So, while acid and LSD may have taken the Beatles to crazy places -- songs called "I Am the Walrus" and singing about yellow submarines, to name a few examples -- they also made them sound like idiots most of the time.

At least Blackberry and the Beatles provided me with something to occupy my time while watching South Florida play Northern Illinois. Snore. Off to bed.

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Noko: Real. Awkward. Jeans -- Photo of the Week 7 Dec 09

 Josh M referred me to this PotW. Awkward company photos from Noko Jeans, a Swedish company attempting to make jeans in North Korea. Here's one of Mr. Erik Wahlstrom, an employee of Noko who takes jeans production in poor, authoritarian-ruled countries very, very seriously:

This is like awkward elementary school photos we used to take when we were kids, only this is a company with grownups. Maybe we should start the practice of individual photos for a company in the US, and since Nartker is the only CEO that I know personally, I challenge him to start the trend.

At the very least, I would like to see Brett Favre photos like this for Wrangler. Wait, what? You want me to MS Paint it? Oh, here you go:

It would look much better if Brett were wearing all black. And if had freaky eyes, instead of his warm, soft ones and disarming smile. I guess you can't have everything.

I suggest you view all photos that Noko Jeans has posted on Flickr because they're all SO GOOD. Settling on one to post here was what I imagine it would be like to pick your favorite amongst multiple children. What say ye, RoSA Readers? Vote for your favorite Noko'er in the comments. It'll be a nice poll.

Also, two random, unsolicited items for your enlightenment:

1. I have a noticeable cut just above my right eyeball along with some redness and swelling. I may have been in a bar on Saturday night, and may have called a Yale alum a "sweater-tying yuppie nobody", and he may have punched me with his enormous class ring. Or, I probably smacked myself in the eye with my ping-pong paddle because I was following through a little too much. I did put some wicked spin on that ball.
2. Luke Wilson, star of hit movies such as My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, was in my dream last night, asking me to help finance his next movie, and saying that he would make me a good return on my money. That's like PETA asking me to make a donation and promising that they won't make obscene advertisements with my money. It's just not going to happen. And why Luke Wilson? It's got to be those stupid AT&T commercials.

Happy Monday to you.

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Mind Your Surroundings, Kid

Not a fan of just posting YouTube clips, because anyone can do that, but every once in a while you find those gems that sell themselves. This is one of those...with an awesome ending.



What kind of educational system were the Kiwis developing down in New Zealand? More importantly, is it still in place? Because if it is, I will be postponing my lifelong goal of vacationing in New Zealand -- indefinitely.

This kid could have benefited from the advice Dukat/Raz Agul gave Bruce Wayne when they were doing all kinds of crazy ninja-ness on the ice: "Always mind your surroundings." I guess in this case Dukat would have to amend the statement with "...especially when you're on television, and when there are Asian people around."

Also, I want to see the kid's score on the word association portion of the SAT.

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Stand By Your Principles...Right?

Alright, people. I'm here to test your resolve.

I received a fairly universal response from readers regarding companies and their advertising: If they have crappy commercials, you should -- on principle -- ban their products. And the ban should be lifelong. No questions asked. Basically like when the UN slaps sanctions on North Korea for breaking international norms and doing some saber-rattling, only you guys would actually, you know, follow-through on your threats. Principled stands. Commendable.

You may or may not know that last year, the US Beef people hired Matthew Mcconaughey -- of perpetual shirtlessness and unbearable chick-flick fame -- to be their radio spokesperson. What you might not have known is that the ads are indescribably horrible. Check them out (The ads themselves are the only the audio -- others compiled the videos):

Find more videos like this on www.truveo.com.

Matthew McConaughey - Creepy Beef Spokesman - watch more funny videos

So, what say ye, meat-lovers? How principled are you? Are you going to give up beef, go vegetarian, and join up with PETA because these ads are so bad? I know I don't need to remind you that Mr. Mcconaughey did talk about taking your appetite on a romantic getaway and laying "side-by-side under sirloin skies." Ah, brings back fond memories of pillow-talk with my appetite.

Awaiting your responses.

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The Mantage -- Photo of the Week 20 July 2009

I know it's Monday morn, and your energy levels are low, and you need something more than a still photo to get your productivity on:



Nothing like a shot of testosterone to start your week off right.

(And yes, Case, the 1:00-mark is your cue to give an abbreviated schpeel on your tipping philosophy)


Happy Monday. Now go write off a business expense. Or cry openly at Old Yeller.

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Butt Rock or Not

Remember the website "Hot or Not?" And how everyone placed their friends' pictures up so that that friend could either become an insufferable narcissist when they got scores of 9 or 10, or have their self-esteem crushed and then enter a downward spiral of Kurt Cobain-like depression (anything from a score of 5-down)?

Well, this has nothing to do with it. This is about you applying the BR education I have imparted to you in various mind-numbing posts. Now is the time to step forward and voice your opinion. What say ye of the Mighty Zep? State your evidence, and rank this shirt on a scale of 1-10 (1 being BR-free, 10 being Poison):


Photo courtesy of JT. Thanks to Erik, JT's summer intern, for not only sporting the shirt, but also for striking a pose that would normally be attributable to a flasher, a knock-off watch salesman, or a man toting a sawed-off shotgun.

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Summer Gum (un)Recommendation

If you live in a location where it is hot and humid, do not purchase this gum:


It was my favorite; in humidity, however, it turns into an unwrappable and formless mess of disgustingness. Imagine microwaving a slug, poking the resultant blob with a stick, and then wrapping it in some white paper. That's what this gum becomes. And no one wants to put that in their mouth.

Additionally, their commercials are to TV advertising what Kanye West is to public speaking; and if Case's principled stands have taught us anything, it's that you should place an unqualified lifelong ban on the purchase of any product that has crappy commercials.

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Playing For Keeps

I can totally relate to Manny Ramirez. Minus the $20mill/year contract, the dreadlocks, and taking of female fertility drugs.

The level I can connect with him on is a willingness to do anything to be more competitive at a sport.

See, my pong game had been slipping as of late, and I was consistently losing. I blamed it on temporary disruption of my chi that would shortly return, but I kept losing. My ancestors were rolling over in their graves at the disgrace that I had become.

So I decided that, like Jessica Simpson, whatever I lacked in talent and skill, I would make up for in appearance. I strapped a glove on my blade hand and prayed that this would serve as the catalyst for a turnaround in my pong fortunes.

Some Q&A from the 2 April post-game press conference where the glove was originally unveiled:

• Q: Did Banker start laughing so uncontrollably when he first saw the glove that he could barely get out: "Is that a football receiving glove?" ? A: Yes. Yes, he did.
• Q: Have you taken to calling yourself "The Glove" or "The Second Coming of Gary Payton"? A: Yes. Yes, I have.
  
• Q: Does anybody else? A: No, because no one else takes the thing seriously.
• Q: Have you taken to referring to yourself in the third-person? This seems like the kind of attention-grabbing stunt that an attention-deprived megalomaniac who refers to himself in the third-person would do. A: The Glove is still contemplating the merits of referring to himself in the third person.
  
• Q: Do you bear some resemblance to Michael Jackson now? With the one-glove thing? A: What? You think I'm stupid enough to compare myself in any way with Michael?
• Q: Probably. A: That's it. This press conference is over.
  

I was placed on a two-match suspension for golf club-smashing the car windshield of the reporter who asked the last question, but since my return I have been on a ping-pong tear.

Just remember, folks. I play for keeps.

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"I'm a Moron" Series - Part 3: Food Injury

Can't believe it's been a year+ since I last wrote about having an "I'm a moron" moment. I assure you, it is not from lack of idiocy on my part. Far from it.

Anyway. To the present.

You know those thin metal lids they have on Yoplait yogurt containers? I think I just cut my tongue on the torn, jagged edge of one -- just because I was trying to get the extra 0.034 oz. of yogurt on the inside of the lid.

Are these things FDA-approved? Or have they managed to somehow fly under the radar? Yoplait's brazen disregard for public safety is appalling. They should just start putting syringes in their yogurt and call it good. Or flip us the middle finger in their commercials. The gesture of either of those is about the same as these lids, in my opinion.

Man. It's like a papercut. Only infinitely more humiliating.

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One Thought on Twitter

I think it's stupid.

My sister said it best when she said that Twitter shows how "attention deficit we are." My goodness, people, I don't need to know that you just landed at the airport in Denver, or that you're brushing your teeth at this very moment; I don't care that you're currently staring blankly at the wall, trying to think of your next 140-character "Tweet." I don't even care what Charlie Villanueva's thoughts are during halftime of his NBA game -- unless, of course, Charlie announces that he is either 1) planning to beat a heckling fan; 2) playing the second half pantsless; or 3) getting eyebrow implants.

And if Bill Simmons is anti-Twitt, and my boys at PTI mock their own Twitter feed (because they've been forced to do one by the show), then I'm in pretty good company.

(Of course, with my long-professed and staunch opposition, then subsequent caving-in to such things as the Harry Potter books, distance running, and trips to Duck Beach over Memorial Day weekend, I anticipate my integrity-less self will be "Tweeting" within a few weeks. Man, I'm pathetic)

P.S. -- Here's an interesting example of how short updates with zero context (Twitter) can contribute to mass panic on something like the swine flu.

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PTI -- Photo of the Week 6 Apr 2009

Pardon the Interruption, but that's Mike FREAKIN' Wilbon! Together with Kornheiser, the host of one of my favorite TV shows, "PTI."


I wish I could say that I took the picture, but JH snapped this one while at a March Madness game in Philly.

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Random Thoughts From My Last Nightshift

The hell of working nightshifts is coming to an end. As the immortal Geto Boys (wait, who now?) declared in incomparable verse: "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta'."

--Thanks to the fact that my best guy friend (JH) and best girl friend (FH) got married to each other,* I am going to be a godfather soon. That inexplicable, portentous feeling of doom that just overwhelmed you as you're reading that I will be a godfather? Perfectly normal. Don't worry, though. Besides my impeccable chopstick-holding technique and ability to break someone's clavicle in 126 different ways, I have nothing of real value/danger I can impart to the child.

*Unrelated sidenote and thought I revert back to more often than I should: JH is of German heritage; FH is of Italian heritage; I am of Japanese heritage. Any chance of us combining forces to lead an Axis reunion? Huh? Huh?? No? Fine.

--Stick three starving guys in a car for 20 minutes, and what is the inevitable outcome? An unofficial pact to buy a smoker. I think in my meat-craving zeal I may have promised to allocate $75 of my weekly budget to the Cause of buying meat, sauces, spices for rubs, etc. I can't really remember. All I remember is hearing keywords like "brisket" "bacon" and "ribs," my mind going blank like Bourne's does when he has one of his headaches/flashbacks, and next thing I know I've promised to fund an entire BBQ'ing enterprise.

--Seen these Australian walkabout commercials on TV? Is ANYbody else disturbed by this? I mean, I can't identify the exact point, but somewhere between the random, naked Australian child following a woman home, somehow getting into her apartment, and whispering creepily into her ear while she is sleeping, I get creeped out:



I can't make this anymore clear: Clowns paralyze me with fear. Creepy kids watching people while they sleep makes my skin crawl. Everytime I see this commercial I'm just waiting for the kid's head to spin all the way around, a la The Exorcist. klaxcj awhgoa=asdw awo2 48jhav

Sorry, I began shaking uncontrollably.

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In the Works...

No grandiose promises to be made, but Banker and I have a little project we're working on.

Stay tuned. And I'll keep you updated.

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My Black List

I usually don't possess enough vitriol towards any individual to keep a list, but I thought maybe I should keep track of people who irk me. Sooooo, the first person to go on my black list is...

James Carville!! now, I'm not going to sink so low as to make this about Mr. Carville's physical appearanc--



Whoa! Whoa! How'd that sneak in there? My bad. That won't happen again. That's juvenile and serves no purpose in supporting a legitimate argument. I guess my point is that James Carvil--



Man. I'm horrible. Sorry. Sorry. Fish in a barrel.

But seriously. Carville is a condescending political pundit who does little more than show outright disdain for anybody who disagrees with him. He compared Gov Richardson switching his support to (then) Obama's candidacy (from Hillary) to Judas betraying Jesus. What kind of analysis is that?

Mr. Carville: Welcome to my black list.

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