Weekly Selects #47

Weekly Selects again. Let's. Do. This.

--Via Email from Saree, an article about the Chinese air force:

Chinese air force drill looks awfully similar to ‘Top Gun’

Basically, to make a live exercise look good, the Chinese stole footage from Top Gun. I can't say I'm all that surprised -- the Chinese virtually steal all of their technology anyway, so stealing movie footage just seems a matter of course. But if you're going to steal from a movie about fighter planes, why settle on something from the 80's? Why not a more modern one, like Stealth? Case, any rebuttals?

--Via Google Reader. We all know I love the new Batman movies, so this comic was just too funny:

(from here)

And lastly...

--Via email from Jay, about a BYU student who wrote in to the school's newspaper (The Daily Universe) to complain about the campus-wide mania surrounding Jimmer Fredette, star basketball player, and did the foolish thing of 1) writing in under her full name, and 2) posting about it on her publicly-viewable Facebook account. Her Facebook Wall has now been bombarded (quite hilariously):

That poor girl has no idea what she started

So, first off, The Daily Universe is in the running for "Printed Materials That Are Most Painful to Read," alongside the chapter on STDs for my college health class (pictures included!), and anything written by Stephanie Meyer. It's just awful. But that's not really the point. More to the point: writing into the BYU school newspaper and saying you don't want to hear about the school's latest sports star is like living in the Soviet Union and writing into Pravda to say you're sick of hearing all this crap about Lenin. Do you have the right to your opinion? Absolutely. Do you have the right to express it? Absolutely. Should you? Now that's a different question altogether, and this girl's FB Wall is evidence of that.

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Weekly Selects #38

I was asked to fill-in for a dodgeball game last night -- my first organized one -- which was surprisingly fun. My two personal memorable takeaways: (1) The dude on the other team who was pointing people off the court that he had hit, and who also gave me the "come and get some" wave of his hand when it was just me and him left; (2) The Asian-dominated team we were playing thought I was on their team. Oh, good times. And yes, my arm is sore.

Your videos, and then your Highlights:

Videos:
-An Ian McKellen impersonator doing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air intro
-NASA How to Poop in Space Tutorial (a little long, but no wonder they cut the shuttle program)
-Watch me run 300 yards of my marathon (not really all that exciting, but you can hear Casey narrate and Shigeko laugh merrily. Thanks, Jay!) 
-Stupidest commercial EVER (and the song is stuck in my head. I hate whoever made this commercial.)

-Via Email from Casey, who sent a strange article about people in Japan (sigh) whose job is to break-up couples instead of matching them up:

Have an ex that won’t go away?  If you live in Japan, you can call on a wakaresase-ya or "splitter-upper": "The function of the wakaresase-ya is the direct opposite of a dating agency: with great ingenuity, and the right fee, they will prise apart human relationships."  For example, these professionals will trick a spouse or undesirable future daughter-in-law into committing an affair, and provide photographic evidence of the indiscretion. "We produce a drama at the request of our clients," says Osamu Tomiya, a splitter-upper.

I apologize on behalf of Japan.

As sad as this is, and as much as I think that reality TV is ruining television society, these type of guys has the makings of a successful reality show. Some sort of cross between "Rock of Love," "Dog: The Bounty Hunter," and "Survivor." It has manipulation, drama, scandal, and tumultuous relationships -- all key factors in melting American brains into a soupy mass of stupid-reality-show-addicted gruel.*

*(In the interests of full disclosure, I was flipping through channels a couple months back and came across "Jersey Shore"...and was so mesmerized by the Guido World and it's complete deviation from everything I've known to be normal, that I watched for three hours. I just couldn't turn away)

-Via GChat from JMill:

we should go on a high dining experience in NYC

Marijuana-inspired food -- not meaning "special brownies" or anything like that, but meaning food whose creation was inspired whilst under the influence.

Something tells me that the key ingredients to most of these recipes will be Funyuns, Doritos, and pork rinds. Maybe some Oreos.

-Via Email from White Josh:

After seeing this picture, I can't tell what the Japanese would be most concerned about.  The fact that the base is staying in Okinawa, or what this guy wears out in public!  wow

Oh, Prime Minister Hatoyama.

I was more concerned about Hatoyama and his party taking power last year from the Liberal Democratic Party -- a political party that was pretty much in power for 50+ years straight -- and whether his administration would have the cajones to battle entrenched bureaucrats, endemic and pervasive governmental corruption, and Japan's aging society.

But now I'm more concerned about his fashion sense.

-Via Email from Banker, who just got in to a prestigious university in Europe for a postgrad program. In celebration, Josh M got him a gag gift of an Indian dreamcatcher, which Banker mocked. This email came in a couple of weeks later with attachment:

this thing must have brought me luck, as I hung it up last night, and this morning I wake to have an email from *university name* saying that one who was awarded the scholarship declined, and since I was the runner up, guess who gets it?!

(see below)

so thank you for the dream catcher, as it certainly caught something. 

(I'll never make fun of these again)

Lesson: NEVER QUESTION THE POWER OF THE DREAMCATCHER.

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Weekly Selects #32

Was busy yesterday watching movie plot hole after movie plot hole unfold as undeveloped characters delivered cliched dialogue in a special effects extravaganza; and yet still found myself entertained. Thanks, Clash of the Titans. So here we go a day late with some DC, and I apologize to any readers who are not able to see embedded YouTube clips, as I received a lot of these this past week. Let's do this:

-Via Gchat from Banker:

something for your blog?

Um, yes, please, and THANK YOU. These are all great, but I honestly think Arnold was best in Pumping Iron, mostly because it was a documentary (the key: NO ACTING REQUIRED) and you just got to watch Arnold brag about himself in all of his bulging, symmetrical, Adonis-like physical perfection. In college we called the Blockbuster (back when Netflix hadn't rendered "video stores" obsolete) to ask if they had it:

Us: Hi, do you have Pumping Iron?
Blockbuster Dude: Um. Let me check The movie from 1977?
Us: Yes. That's the one.
Blockbuster Dude: Yes, we have it.
Us: Okay. We'll come get it right now. Actually, could you hold on to it for us? Just to make sure no one grabs it?
Blockbuster Dude: ...Uh, I don't think that's going to be a problem. But sure.

-Via Google Reader share, some selected analogies and metaphors found in high school students' essays. Aspiring writers, TAKE NOTES:

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef

There are just too many good ones here. If you are/know a K-12 teacher, please keep record of these. These are priceless, if not humiliating later in life for the children.

-Via Google Reader share, the best custom pizza I've ever seen:

"I be tossin' and flossin', my style is awesome."

-Via Email from Kate:

I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry

My personal favorite is the sister in the middle seat. The disdainful look of utter disapproval at her parents' insensitivity, coupled with the folded arms, is amazing. If I ever get a look like that from my future daughter I'll probably curl up in a ball and never speak again.

PS I need to kidnap an Asian child.

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NOT David vs. Goliath

Can we please stop calling the Duke v. Butler championship game "David vs. Goliath," just because the casual basketball fan hasn't heard of Butler? There's a reason Butler got a 5-seed in the tourney and won 33 games this season: They're good, and have been for years.

But, as the media is unwaveringly cliched and uncreative, they have resorted to the ol' David vs. Goliath comparison. Duke can still be Goliath -- that's an apt enough comparison -- but can Butler be some other physically large, though more obscure, figure?

JMill suggested Andre the Giant. Done. Insert any pro wrestler of your choice, really. And while "Andre the Giant vs. Goliath" doesn't quite roll off the tongue like David vs. Goliath does, at least it's more accurate.

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STOP ISLAND THEFT! -- Photo of the Week 15 March 2010

With an upcoming trip to New York City, I was reminded of this ad from 2008, and wished I could have seen this beauty in Times Square:

A life-sized figure of a thief wearing a Japanese imperial flag as a mask with a caption that reads: "STOP ISLAND THEFT. Japan attempts to steal Asia's islands by distorting history." South Korea and Japan are still disputing with each other over the sovereignty of the Dokdo / Takeshima islands (read: pebbles in the middle of the sea between the two countries).

Oh, but there's more this picture. Pan out a bit:

People always say "location, location, location," and the marketers in charge of this campaign took this advice to heart when placing this statue. When seeking support for the Republic of Korea's campaign against the resurgence of Japan's neo-imperialistic aspirations, what better demographic to target than those likely to be interested in Chorus Line, starring Mario Lopez? None, I tell you. NONE. The two groups are basically the same.


Happy Monday, all. "Losing" an hour sucks.

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Denzel's Career -- Photo of the Week 1 March 2010

Denzel is a legend of our time, so I enjoyed this Venn Diagram mapping the characters he has played in movies (still not sure of its origins):

I wonder what a Venn Diagram of my daily thoughts would be like... Bacon, football, Jason Bourne and/or Wolverine, testosterone, and punching holes in walls. Nothing but typical, manly guy stuff...

Yours?


Happy Monday. It's good to be back.

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Movie Pitch for James Cameron

Based on his success, and his movie-making tendencies, I thought I had the perfect movie pitch James Cameron. Here's how it went.

******

JD: Mr. Cameron, thanks for sitting down with me. I know with the astonishing success of Avatar, you must be busy.
Cameron: /gives me dead-fish handshake/ Please, call me James. I'm told it makes me more...um... personable.
JD: Sure, James. Have a seat.
Cameron: /chuckles while sitting/ It's funny you mention Avatar. Right now it's the second highest grossing movie of all time, likely to be first. Do you know what number one is?
JD: I've got a good guess that it's--
Cameron: It's Titanic!
JD: And I believe--
Cameron: /pointing thumbs at self/ Yes! And I directed it! Wasn't it amazing?
JD: I, uh... /clearing throat and shifting weight in chair/ I actually wrote about how much I hated it, even though I've never seen it.
Cameron: Hate?? How could you hate it? It made so much money. That means it's GOOD.
JD: I'll attribute it to this thing I have for hating things that suck, but let's not get into it. I'm actually glad you bring up Titanic, though, as the movie idea I have for you is related.
Cameron: /leans forward/ Talk to me.
JD: Did you just say 'talk to me'? Do people actually say that in Hollywood?
Cameron: No...I just heard it in a movie. Thought it would be cool.
JD: ...Alright. Anyway, what are the major complaints that people have about Titanic?
Cameron: They have them?
JD: /sigh/ Yes, James. People think it was too long... took forever for that stupid boat to sink. What if I told you you could capture the disaster of Titanic, but in 20-30 minutes?
Cameron: Talk to m--  *ahem* I mean, yeah, I would be interested.
JD: It'll be called Hindenburg. Remember the zeppelin that went down in Germany in 1937? Another large-scale disaster movie, but here are the bonuses: More special effects than Titanic, and it's super short. You know what that means, right?
Cameron: No.
JD: It means good news for you, because no dealing with character development, or dialogue. Don't you see? These are just obstacles to amazing people with your special effects.
Cameron: Actually, now that you mention it -- /leans in slowly/ -- can I tell you something?
JD: Sure.
Cameron: /looks cautiously over each shoulder, leans even closer, then whispers/ I don't understand this demand for character development. And dialogue? What is that?
JD: Well, uh...that's usually considered two people interacting to, uh...develop their characters...
Cameron: /leans back in chair, exasperated/ See. That's what I don't get. I don't get human interaction, or people. And they don't get me, know what I mean? Not the way special effects do, anyway. See, special effects get me -- they don't harass me about taking out the garbage, or wanting me to listen to them cry about....
JD: I hate to interrupt your reverie, James, but you see why Hindenburg would be perfect for you? The passengers go up in the blimp, some poor bastard can even exclaim "I'm king of the world!" Then BOOM. Big explosions. "OH THE HUMANITY!" The end. 
Cameron: Can the explosion last for at least half of the movie?
JD: Sure, James. Sure.
Cameron: And it's guaranteed to make a lot of money, right?

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Face-Off Friday -- Tiger Woods Edition

Pilot run for Face-Off Fridays (FoF)

Welcome to Face-Off Friday (FoF), where guest Pat will choose a topic and we will go head-to-head. The goal is to debate issues that have no relevance to anything that you would consider caring about. Ever.

Background: The blog title is only loosely connected to Face/Off, an almost decent movie with an almost clever pun for a title, in which arch-enemies surgically switch faces and identities, the shoot at each other, confusedly stare into mirrors (they switched faces, folks!), and chase each other in boats for two hours -- one finally kills the other with a harpoon gun (SPOILER ALERT!).

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

*******

JD: Pat, welcome to RoSA; please introduce yourself to the readers, as well as a brief explanation for joining FoF. <----- Resting chin in hands, feigning genuine interest. 

Pat: Well, hello, half-caste sarcasm. I'm Pat, your new "guest" blogger. Mostly, I just want to make your blog worth reading. 

JD: Burn. It seems that instead of bringing precision instruments (ie rhetoric and logical argument) to the discourse, you have brought an unwieldy caveman's club (ie personal insults) ME CAVEMAN PAT ME SMASH BIG WORDS RARRR. I can't blame you, though, as you chose to list "dragging knuckles with disproportionately long arms" on the Skills section of your resume, and not "debate."

But let's give this a try, anyway: What is the topic of your choosing this week, Pat?

Pat: Mr. Dalton, your hypocritical assumptions on my approach were fired before a simple discussion.  Or should I call you Dick -- Dick Cheney -- whose vice presidential legacy comes from shooting blindly.  Anyway, let's move to a nice, easy target, Tiger Woods.

Tiger has been a true celebrity lately. Sex, lies, and hospital visits are sure to make him fodder for the next Lifetime movie. His now-tarnished image stands in stark contrast to his Tag-Heuser advertisements which rhetorically ask, "What are you made of?" We find with Tiger that unbridled horniness could be his composition.

So, do you think Tiger's sponsors should drop him based on his morality or should his exceptional ability to "put the ball in the hole" on the golf course maintain his marketability? 

JD: First of all, everyone knows that a Lifetime ("TV Network for Man-Haters") movie requires that Woods abandon his wife once she is diagnosed with cancer, kidnap their children, then flee for another country to live a debaucherous and depraved life. That's the Lifetime template.

And now I don't remember the original point I was making.

Conclusion: I'd rather have a thousand thumb tacks shoved into my eyes than watch a Lifetime movie.

Pat: Tiger was actually trying to run Elin down.  First, she ducked behind a fire hydrant, then shielded her body with a tree. You are so close-minded -- Lifetime is about facts. Spike TV ("Get More Action") will make the same movie, but the under-the-knife skankiest of skanks will wear nothing but lingerie as they bow to Tiger in a purple robe and crown.

Now, answer the question.

JD: Fair enough.

Tiger is the moral equivalent of The Swamp Thing -- but sponsors don't care about morality. They care about marketability and what makes them money. Hell, Martha Stewart (Macy's) went to jail for cannibalism! (maybe?) My understanding of Mad Chedda' Stackin' capitalism tells me that sponsors wait to see how Tiger does on the golf course first. 

Pat: Wait? Look what waiting has done thus far: Taken their poster boy from a single sleazy affair to a baker's dozen plus one. Tiger's appeal came not only from his skill, but from his perceived "squeaky clean" image. Using Tiger with a brand, in theory, is to inspire customers based on his persona - trust, integrity, class - which are now oxymorons if used in a sentence with him. Waiting discounts their brand and molds their chedda. And nobody likes moldy chedda.

JD: Please, son. I'll be enjoying my fine-aged chedda while you're stackin' Kraft Singles.

Pat: Well, you ARE a rat. I wouldn't expect more.

JD: Burn AGAIN. On that note, we'll end FoF for the week. Thanks for reading.

*******

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Noko: Real. Awkward. Jeans -- Photo of the Week 7 Dec 09

 Josh M referred me to this PotW. Awkward company photos from Noko Jeans, a Swedish company attempting to make jeans in North Korea. Here's one of Mr. Erik Wahlstrom, an employee of Noko who takes jeans production in poor, authoritarian-ruled countries very, very seriously:

This is like awkward elementary school photos we used to take when we were kids, only this is a company with grownups. Maybe we should start the practice of individual photos for a company in the US, and since Nartker is the only CEO that I know personally, I challenge him to start the trend.

At the very least, I would like to see Brett Favre photos like this for Wrangler. Wait, what? You want me to MS Paint it? Oh, here you go:

It would look much better if Brett were wearing all black. And if had freaky eyes, instead of his warm, soft ones and disarming smile. I guess you can't have everything.

I suggest you view all photos that Noko Jeans has posted on Flickr because they're all SO GOOD. Settling on one to post here was what I imagine it would be like to pick your favorite amongst multiple children. What say ye, RoSA Readers? Vote for your favorite Noko'er in the comments. It'll be a nice poll.

Also, two random, unsolicited items for your enlightenment:

1. I have a noticeable cut just above my right eyeball along with some redness and swelling. I may have been in a bar on Saturday night, and may have called a Yale alum a "sweater-tying yuppie nobody", and he may have punched me with his enormous class ring. Or, I probably smacked myself in the eye with my ping-pong paddle because I was following through a little too much. I did put some wicked spin on that ball.
2. Luke Wilson, star of hit movies such as My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, was in my dream last night, asking me to help finance his next movie, and saying that he would make me a good return on my money. That's like PETA asking me to make a donation and promising that they won't make obscene advertisements with my money. It's just not going to happen. And why Luke Wilson? It's got to be those stupid AT&T commercials.

Happy Monday to you.

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A Clash of Cultures?

Halloween has come and gone. And while as an adult I may not always be ecstatic about the holiday, I'm at least fascinated by it. It's the holiday that offers us the chance to NOT be ourselves. So really, if you're already having some sort of identity crisis; or delusional visions of your own grandeur; or are just generally confused about your place in this world, here is the opportunity to exacerbate the problem and further separate yourself from reality! You know, really mess with your own head. It's good for the mental health.

There are always interesting costumes, and even more interesting couples:

Mary Poppins from the magical world of Disney paired with a cold, heartless, "cut first, let God sort them out later" samurai from a feudalistic island-nation. How do you describe that combination? The most fitting parallel I can think of comes from Seinfeld stand-up: "To me, it's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. That makes just as much sense to me."

So maybe we were an odd couple. But I think Halloween would be more fun if couples -- instead of coordinating their outfits to be matching (lame) -- went for costumes that were the most dissimilar. It would make things a lot of interesting, and avoid the cutesy lameness I just mentioned..

It's alright. Maybe I should have listened to the pleadings for me to stick with my group's Disney theme and been Mowgli from The Jungle Book, but for some reason, walking around in a loincloth all night just didn't appeal to me. At least my ancestors were happy with the decision.

And how 'bout this combination of friends?

The Boy Who Never Ages, a samurai, and the World's Most Wanted Terrorist? A bit of a culture clash -- but damn, we looked good doing it.

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A-Rod the Centaur -- Photo of the Week 9 Nov 2009

This may be old news to some of you, but...

(writer's conception)

To answer the quizzical look on your face, NY Yankees star Alex Rodriguez, is reported to have a portrait of himself as a centaur hanging in his bedroom. A painting he commissioned. Commissioned: As in he proactively thought of the idea, sought out a painter, and paid said painter.

Now, many of you may be thinking this is strange. Beyond strange. Vain. Egotistical. But before you become judgmental of A-Rod, I suppose a confession is in order. I actually commissioned some paintings of my own a few years back. The problem I ran into -- besides finding a portrait artist whom I could afford -- was that I never specified what sort of creature I wanted my head to be placed on. Needless to say, the portrait didn't turn out so well:

Not what I would classify as flattering. Oh well. Some things just don't go as expected. I hope A-Rod is happy with how his turned out.

But really, it's super creepy. Previous to knowing this about A-Rod, here's a rough estimation of how my Top 3 "Things That Creep Me Out To No End" list was laid out:

1. Clowns
2. Creepy movie-children
3. Ventriloquist dummies
   

And now, the new list:

1. Clowns
2. Creepy movie-children
3. Alex Rodriguez

On a career note for him, maybe once he's done with baseball, we'll see if A-Rod makes a cameo in the next few Narnia movies.

Happy Monday. Spend the rest of the day being jealous of my MS Paint skills.

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Meeting the Sports Guy -- Photo of the Week 2 Nov 2009

The Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, who is one of my favorite writers, is touring to promote his new book, The Book of Basketball. DC's ESPN Zone was his first stop, so I got down there to meet the man. He skipped dinner to shake hands and chat, and was congenial and expressed gratitude to us as the readers. Maybe he doesn't realize that his columns get working Americans in the 18-35 male demographic through their tedious work weeks. It is we who should be thanking him.

Going to the book signing was an interesting study of celebrity worship in America. The person behind me in line was visibly nervous, and began vocally brainstorming something "funny" he could say to Simmons. He was running his ideas by everyone in line around him. Nobody in line was helping him, but it was probably because every other frat boy in line was trying to come up with witticisms of their own with which they could impress Bill. It was as if The Sports Guy were holding auditions for a new best friend. Yup, an intelligent writer like Bill Simmons is as pathetic as Paris Hilton, everyone!

Also, in case you were wondering, I'm convinced that the portrait in the background is Brigham Young -- mostly because I can picture Brother Brigham toting a baseball glove, bat, and disproportionately LARGE head around with him. (I understand caricature, but that's "like an orange on a toothpick!")


Happy new week, all. As much as you can, enjoy your Monday.

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Black List -- Skip Bayless

I couldn't leave James Carville / Gollum all by his lonesome on my black list. So, I've chosen a new member: Skip Bayless. Mr. Bayless is a part-time analyst on ESPN, and a full-time a**hole.

I dislike Mr. Bayless for many of the same reasons that I dislike Carville -- he's condescending to his fellow analysts and focuses more on insults and elementary school bully-ness than actually providing, you know, some sort of insight.

So why do I bother watching a man I so clearly despise? It's a waste of my time, right?

Wrong. I watch Skip Bayless because I wait in eager anticipation for the day when he gets crushed. And I want to clarify that when I say crushed, I don't mean it in the figurative, "Gee, I hope a fellow analyst verbally destroys him in a debate and makes him look foolish"-sense. I mean it literally.

I haven't really thought about it too much, but the ideal scenario I have floating around in my head is this: Some sort of fur-clad Mongol warrior-looking type walking onto the ESPN set with a large club and/or sword, and Bayless cowering in the fetal position while pleading for mercy. Something like that.

Truthfully, I've heard various anecdotes about Bayless being a nice guy "off-camera." That's fine, but hearing that doesn't deter me from my aforementioned wish. I'm perfectly fine with him getting pulverized "on-camera" -- if he's going to be a jerk there, it's the place where he deserves it -- and being left alone off-camera where he's "a nice guy." The very least it would do is make for some riveting television.

While we're on the topic, I guess I don't understand the fostering of separate on- and off-camera personalities for a sports commentator. Last I checked that was called acting, and not sports analysis. Please do what you are PAID to do, Skip.

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Stand By Your Principles...Right?

Alright, people. I'm here to test your resolve.

I received a fairly universal response from readers regarding companies and their advertising: If they have crappy commercials, you should -- on principle -- ban their products. And the ban should be lifelong. No questions asked. Basically like when the UN slaps sanctions on North Korea for breaking international norms and doing some saber-rattling, only you guys would actually, you know, follow-through on your threats. Principled stands. Commendable.

You may or may not know that last year, the US Beef people hired Matthew Mcconaughey -- of perpetual shirtlessness and unbearable chick-flick fame -- to be their radio spokesperson. What you might not have known is that the ads are indescribably horrible. Check them out (The ads themselves are the only the audio -- others compiled the videos):

Find more videos like this on www.truveo.com.

Matthew McConaughey - Creepy Beef Spokesman - watch more funny videos

So, what say ye, meat-lovers? How principled are you? Are you going to give up beef, go vegetarian, and join up with PETA because these ads are so bad? I know I don't need to remind you that Mr. Mcconaughey did talk about taking your appetite on a romantic getaway and laying "side-by-side under sirloin skies." Ah, brings back fond memories of pillow-talk with my appetite.

Awaiting your responses.

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Summer Gum (un)Recommendation

If you live in a location where it is hot and humid, do not purchase this gum:


It was my favorite; in humidity, however, it turns into an unwrappable and formless mess of disgustingness. Imagine microwaving a slug, poking the resultant blob with a stick, and then wrapping it in some white paper. That's what this gum becomes. And no one wants to put that in their mouth.

Additionally, their commercials are to TV advertising what Kanye West is to public speaking; and if Case's principled stands have taught us anything, it's that you should place an unqualified lifelong ban on the purchase of any product that has crappy commercials.

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Playing For Keeps

I can totally relate to Manny Ramirez. Minus the $20mill/year contract, the dreadlocks, and taking of female fertility drugs.

The level I can connect with him on is a willingness to do anything to be more competitive at a sport.

See, my pong game had been slipping as of late, and I was consistently losing. I blamed it on temporary disruption of my chi that would shortly return, but I kept losing. My ancestors were rolling over in their graves at the disgrace that I had become.

So I decided that, like Jessica Simpson, whatever I lacked in talent and skill, I would make up for in appearance. I strapped a glove on my blade hand and prayed that this would serve as the catalyst for a turnaround in my pong fortunes.

Some Q&A from the 2 April post-game press conference where the glove was originally unveiled:

• Q: Did Banker start laughing so uncontrollably when he first saw the glove that he could barely get out: "Is that a football receiving glove?" ? A: Yes. Yes, he did.
• Q: Have you taken to calling yourself "The Glove" or "The Second Coming of Gary Payton"? A: Yes. Yes, I have.
  
• Q: Does anybody else? A: No, because no one else takes the thing seriously.
• Q: Have you taken to referring to yourself in the third-person? This seems like the kind of attention-grabbing stunt that an attention-deprived megalomaniac who refers to himself in the third-person would do. A: The Glove is still contemplating the merits of referring to himself in the third person.
  
• Q: Do you bear some resemblance to Michael Jackson now? With the one-glove thing? A: What? You think I'm stupid enough to compare myself in any way with Michael?
• Q: Probably. A: That's it. This press conference is over.
  

I was placed on a two-match suspension for golf club-smashing the car windshield of the reporter who asked the last question, but since my return I have been on a ping-pong tear.

Just remember, folks. I play for keeps.

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PTI -- Photo of the Week 6 Apr 2009

Pardon the Interruption, but that's Mike FREAKIN' Wilbon! Together with Kornheiser, the host of one of my favorite TV shows, "PTI."


I wish I could say that I took the picture, but JH snapped this one while at a March Madness game in Philly.

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Awkward Celeb Moment of the Week

Holy. Awkward.

I hate recycling YouTube clips and hopping on the media-frenzy bandwagon, but wow. All nine minutes are worth it.



Here's a quick survey for you: Which would make you more uncomfortable?

1. To be Joaquin Phoenix's (the Emperor's) sister in Gladiator, where he wants to make babies with you, or
   
2. To be David Letterman and conduct this interview?

Gotta give props to Letterman for salvaging the interview. Boy is quick on his feet.

By minute two, I'd be cowering behind the desk for fear he would jump up and stab me mid-sentence or something.

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My Black List

I usually don't possess enough vitriol towards any individual to keep a list, but I thought maybe I should keep track of people who irk me. Sooooo, the first person to go on my black list is...

James Carville!! now, I'm not going to sink so low as to make this about Mr. Carville's physical appearanc--



Whoa! Whoa! How'd that sneak in there? My bad. That won't happen again. That's juvenile and serves no purpose in supporting a legitimate argument. I guess my point is that James Carvil--



Man. I'm horrible. Sorry. Sorry. Fish in a barrel.

But seriously. Carville is a condescending political pundit who does little more than show outright disdain for anybody who disagrees with him. He compared Gov Richardson switching his support to (then) Obama's candidacy (from Hillary) to Judas betraying Jesus. What kind of analysis is that?

Mr. Carville: Welcome to my black list.

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Uncomfortable With My Bank's Spokesman

Bank of America is my bank. They just launched a new set of commercials with Kiefer Sutherland as the narrator.

Now, if there is anything that TV (24) and movies (Phone Booth, The Lost Boys) have taught us about Kiefer, it is that he is an emotionally unstable psychotic. Need an illustration? This is from Season 1 of 24, where he is about to torture someone he needs information from:

"You wouldn't think I could force this towel down your throat, but you'd be wrong. Russian soldiers in Katjata shove towels down prisoners' throats during interrogation. They leave them there until the stomach starts to digest, which only takes a couple of minutes, and then pull the towel out... taking the prisoner's stomach lining with it."

See why I would hesitate to entrust my money to this man? It's not so much that he doesn't instill confidence, but more that he instills fear:

Do I really want the guy who was the creepy caller in Phone Booth handling my mortgage?

What if he's my teller at the bank and he shortchanges me? If I call him on it, I run the risk of him beating me senseless with an improvised weapon (likely a sockful of quarters) just because I questioned him, right?

What if I try to negotiate the rate on my car loan? Do I walk out of there only after he's ripped my fingernails off one at a time?

...I guess what I'm saying is that I am now officially scared to go into my local branch to do anything. This is the worst marketing campaign ever.*

Oh, and don't tell me I'm confusing reality with fiction.


*I guess the only way it could be worse is if they had Anthony Hopkins narrating with his Hannibal Lechter voice.

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