Apparently, I'm the Nic Cage Guy Now? Awesome.

Thanks to my unabashed and -- by unanimous consensus, unhealthy -- lust for things such as bacon and root beer, friends and family often kindly go out of their way to pass on interesting news stories about said topics... or, when they are feeling particularly generous, to buy me associated products. Off the top of my head, I can think of many items given to me: a bacon chocolate bar (consumed with a quizzical, yet satisfied, look on my face); membership to a Root Beer of the Month Club (the only thing I looked forward to for three months straight); random obscure root beers from distant lands (consumed with gratitude); a bacon air freshener (presently stinking up my car); a bacon-bits-topped chocolate muffin (surprisingly good); and, gummy candy that looked uncannily like bacon. You get the idea: There are advantages to publicizing what you like.

I'm afraid, however, that my thorough and accurate analysis from a while back about Mr. Nic Cage and the trajectory of his career (disclaimer: I realize "downward spiral" may not technically be a trajectory for you physics nerds, but deal with it) may have conveyed that I want to know everything I can about the guy.

First, there was an article that Google News somehow inferred that I wanted to read about him while he is out promoting his new movie, in which he shared his own personal experience with home invasion. I will only paste an excerpt:

"It was two in the morning. I was living in Orange County at the time and was asleep with my wife. My two-year old at the time was in another room. I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed," he told reporters on Wednesday.

"I know it sounds funny ... but it was horrifying."

A Fudgesicle is a frozen, ice cream-like snack.

 (Reuters seeing fit to explain what a fudgesicle is is probably the best part of the article.)

Anyway, yesterday, I got this email from my sister about a man who found an 1870s photograph of a Nic Cage doppelganger. The email simply said, "This made me think of you." Behold the photo:

Give him a Hawaiian shirt and some longer, dishevelled hair, and you have Raising Arizona

I'm all about old photos, but you have to admit that 1870s photography didn't quite capture the crazy of Nic Cage like modern film does. I present to the jury Exhibit A & B and rest my case:

Anyway, apparently I am not only "The Bacon Guy" and "The Root Beer Guy" -- appellations I am very proud of -- but I am now also "The Nic Cage Guy." The only time I felt more misunderstood was when a Japanese man heard me speaking my 4-month old Japanese and asked "Anata wa seishinbyo ja nai*?"

*You're retarded, right?

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6 Unsolicited Observations on LotR

Ever since Mrs. RoSA bought me The Hobbit for my birthday and I devoured -- I kid you not, I literally ate the book -- in three days, I have been revisiting the movies a little bit at a time over the last few weeks. They are as good as ever. Some opinions/immutable truths:

1) Fellowship is still the best of the three, and I challenge anyone to convince me otherwise. Sean Bean (Boromir) and Ian McKellan (Gandalf) are amazing.

My boy Sean steals the show -- and also makes an attempt at the Ring

2) They should make special edition Blu-Rays that have a "Frodo & Sam Scene" filter. My tolerance for hobbits longingly staring at each other is very low -- last I checked, it was 0 -- so I essentially skip all of their scenes in The Two Towers and The Return of the King now. The movies are much shorter that way, anyway.

3) In cinematic history, has there been a more worthless protagonist than Frodo? I challenge the readers to present me with one (I'm throwing down all kinds of gauntlets...I must be feeling particularly belligerent today), because I am hard-pressed to think of a character that has contributed less to the success of a mission than Frodo Baggins of the Shire.* I've never seen a protagonist so quickly and so completely plummet from "well, he's not very useful, but at least he tries hard" (Fellowship) to "good grief -- watching Frodo's disintegration into pathetic worthlessness is like the Middle Earth metaphor for Lindsay Lohan's personal life" (Two Towers and Return). Literally, there is a scene in The Return of the King when he is collapsed on the mountain-side, looks up as if he is going to do something compelling, crawls on all fours for one, maybe two feet, then collapses in a pitiful heap.**

I guess a testament to the quality of these movie-making is that I despise the protagonist so much yet still love the movies.

*Bumbling idiots like Inspector Closeau in The Pink Panther do not count as candidates here, because the whole point of those movies is that they are bumbling idiots that just happen to succeed.

**I just Googled "Worthless Movie Protagonists" and nothing of value showed up. We can do this, people!

4) I do a killer Gimli impression. But only of him yelling. So basically my impersonation repertoire has been expanded from "Bruce Lee with Sunglasses" to "Bruce Lee with Sunglasses" and "Yelling Dwarf." The audition calls for acting roles should start pouring in now.

5) Because I never saw Fellowship in the theater, I'm constantly asking Mrs. RoSA how the audience responded to certain scenes in the film. I think she's getting sick of saying "yes, Josh, everyone was balling when Gandalf fell off the bridge," as she watches me wipe my eyes yet again.

6) Speaking of that scene of Gandalf falling, how about that expression on Aragorn's face (see below)? This is less the look of someone thinking "Man...my boy Gandalf just plunged to his death" and more the look of "Oh shiz. That means I'm in charge, doesn't it?"

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Photo of the Week -- The Hobbit is Coming 14 Feb 2011

Well, as part of my "reclamation" (yes, I'm a project and always will be) as an "uncultured and unrefined philistine", I am watching the BBC mini-series North & South with Mrs. RoSA. (All quotations are approximations and/or completely fabricated) I pointed out somewhere between my incessant snide remarks and sleeping that the dude playing Mr. Thornton (Richard Armitage) has an awesome voice, and Mrs. RoSA replied "Yes. He'll make a mighty Thorin."

Agreed. Mr. Armitage will be playing the lead dwarf, Thorin, in The Hobbit that is currently in production.

I recently re-read the book -- the first time since my illiterate days of childhood* -- and it was awesome. The Lord of Rings trilogy is one of my favorites, but The Hobbit is much more a display of Tolkien's wit and light-heartedness. There's just not as much (ie the end of the world) at stake and it's a fun read. (Plus I don't foresee any longing and uncomfortable stares shared between Bilbo and any of the dwarves, a la Frodo and Sam fjwionav... [<-- Sorry, I just shuddered], so that's an added bonus for anyone who found those scenes in Return of the King unbearable. That, and Bilbo won't be a worthless protagonist like Frodo. What a loser) And with 13 dwarves, that will be a lot of facial hair floating around in each scene. Awesome.

*The recently revealed family story is that, because I didn't read as much as my sisters who always had their noses buried in books, Shigeko thought I was more or less an illiterate teenager. So apparently she pulled my oldest sister Jen aside and asked her to get me reading so I wouldn't end up eating out of a dumpster for the rest of my life. Jen's book of choice was The Hobbit.

Happy (late) Monday to you. I was busy buying flowers and chocolates and dinner for the Mrs.

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Photo of the Week -- The Twilight Tattoo 10 Jan 2011

You know, I should really just make PotW "Horrible Tattoos"-centric. There would be no shortage of material, as there is no shortage of stupid people willing to ink themselves in an unflattering fashion. I presented a pretty horrible cat tattoo to you a while ago that I thought would never be topped, but perhaps this one could give it a run for its money:

Oh, the horror.

A 49-year old fan of the Twilight series got this full back tattoo inked because, well... she is as addicted as teenage girls are. Which is a greater test of perseverance and endurance, though: The 22 hours she spent in the tattoo artist's chair, or the hours she spent enduring these cringe-worthy books and movies? Toss-up.


I do have to give the tattoo artist some credit, though. If I were a tattoo artist and someone came in and said "I want the entire Twilight series tattooed on my back," I would have tattooed on four elephant-sized piles of poop and called it good.

Some key quotes from the article:

She plans to save £2,000 more to spend another 12 hours under the needle as she eclipses her whole torso with the gothic tribute...
...'I love Robert Pattinson. I want to tone up so I can get his character Edward Cullen on my stomach.'

For. Shame.

Happy Monday, people. Think long and hard before you go and get tattoos...

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Of Sickness and Death

It has been an interesting three weeks featuring all kinds of run-ins with sickness and death.

So there I was a few weeks ago, racked with unrelenting stomach pain for three hours straight, essentially dying of death. This landed me in the ER for a late night visit and a groundbreaking diagnosis: "stomach pain." Thank you, modern medicine. That would have been an informative diagnosis had it not been the exact thing I told you I had when I checked in. A parrot -- or my nieces, when they get in one of those moods where they repeat everything I say -- could have properly diagnosed me under those terms.

I suppose the one positive outcome of going to the ER was that I did get a nice, healthy dose of morphine, which I'm pretty sure is the greatest invention since the printing press (replacing the Snuggie, of course. Coincidentally, both Snuggies and morphine make you all warm). By the next morning, the mystery illness was gone, and I triumphantly declared in an opiate-hazed delirium something along the lines of "Death wanted to play chicken with me, and Death blinked."

Mrs. RoSA: "Yes, dear. Death came knocking at your door, and you slammed the door right in his face."

(These metaphors portraying my active and aggressive triumph over the Grim Reaper are actually to cover up what really took place that night: Me passively and resignedly doubled-over in the fetal position, body spasming, pleading for the sweet, sweet relief of painkillers or the surgical removal of my stomach and both sets of intestines)

I recovered within a few days. As my immune system limped its way to my sister's house for Christmas, however, neither I nor my family had any idea what lay ahead of us. The scariest incident was a grandchild having a finger almost severed in a slammed door, which required attachment at the hospital. But that wasn't the end of it... no, perhaps it was merely an omen of the coming doom that awaited us...

A plague that I can only surmise was the 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse, or some manifestation of the angel of death (perhaps we forgot to put that lamb's blood above the doorpost?), smote the household over the Christmas holiday, leading my brother-in-law Ben to declare 2010 to be "the Christmas of Vomit."

The plague waged war by first manifesting itself via the oldest grandchild, who woke up in the middle of the night (perfectly normal -- I do it all the time to pee), crawled into bed with grandpa and grandma (tender), and proceeded to vomit on the latter (perhaps not so normal). This was merely the first volley fired by the illness. Eventually, we were pretty much all toppled by the disease throughout the week, one by one -- pick your domino effect/chain reaction analogy, really, and it illustrates what happened. I'm personally going to go with the Pie-eating contest scene in Stand By Me, where the first contestant vomits, which causes another contestant to vomit, and then the audience to vomit, etc -- Only time-lapse the scene so it lasts over four or five days. This is basically what happened.

By day two most of us knew, deep down, the undeniable and inescapable truth: It was just a matter of time before we were sick. The resignation in the air was palpable. It felled most of the grandchildren with vomiting and most of the adults with flu aches and lack of appetite.

But we all survived. And aside from the whole health thing, it was a great holiday. Family time. Kids opening presents. Kids running around and sassing adults. Good food. True Grit. Ben trapping five mice in a single night (It was like watching some combination of the Predator and Bear Grylls practice their trade. Awe-inspiring). Some Call of Duty on PS3.

Mrs. RoSA (walking into the TV room and seeing me playing Call of Duty): "Oh-- well isn't it encouraging to find my husband engaged in bloodsport once again."

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Photo of the Week -- Sundance Film Festival, Anyone? 13 Dec 2010

And so, PotW returns...

You may think that that's the Beastie Boys from the 80's, but you'd be wrong.

This is a screen shot from a new short film directed by BB MCA called Fight for Your Right Revisited, which follows the 'Boys after they 'leave' the party at which the "Fight for Your Right" music video takes place, and will premiere at the Sundance Film Festival in 2011. Those three guys are actually, l. to r., Seth Rogen, Elijah Wood, and Danny McBride (for some reason, a hobbit playing AdRock and two dudes that usually only star in idiotic stoner movies playing Mike D and MCA is really, really funny to me)

Here's a screen shot from the original video, just for comparison:

(According to casting reports, Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, and Jack Black are in it, too. Anybody down for a trip to Sundance?)

This is a sequel I actually support -- Unlike something like, say, The Fantastic Four sequel, or Weekend at  Bernie's II. Yes. That movie actually exists.

Happy Monday to you!

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Weekly Selects #38

I was asked to fill-in for a dodgeball game last night -- my first organized one -- which was surprisingly fun. My two personal memorable takeaways: (1) The dude on the other team who was pointing people off the court that he had hit, and who also gave me the "come and get some" wave of his hand when it was just me and him left; (2) The Asian-dominated team we were playing thought I was on their team. Oh, good times. And yes, my arm is sore.

Your videos, and then your Highlights:

Videos:
-An Ian McKellen impersonator doing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air intro
-NASA How to Poop in Space Tutorial (a little long, but no wonder they cut the shuttle program)
-Watch me run 300 yards of my marathon (not really all that exciting, but you can hear Casey narrate and Shigeko laugh merrily. Thanks, Jay!) 
-Stupidest commercial EVER (and the song is stuck in my head. I hate whoever made this commercial.)

-Via Email from Casey, who sent a strange article about people in Japan (sigh) whose job is to break-up couples instead of matching them up:

Have an ex that won’t go away?  If you live in Japan, you can call on a wakaresase-ya or "splitter-upper": "The function of the wakaresase-ya is the direct opposite of a dating agency: with great ingenuity, and the right fee, they will prise apart human relationships."  For example, these professionals will trick a spouse or undesirable future daughter-in-law into committing an affair, and provide photographic evidence of the indiscretion. "We produce a drama at the request of our clients," says Osamu Tomiya, a splitter-upper.

I apologize on behalf of Japan.

As sad as this is, and as much as I think that reality TV is ruining television society, these type of guys has the makings of a successful reality show. Some sort of cross between "Rock of Love," "Dog: The Bounty Hunter," and "Survivor." It has manipulation, drama, scandal, and tumultuous relationships -- all key factors in melting American brains into a soupy mass of stupid-reality-show-addicted gruel.*

*(In the interests of full disclosure, I was flipping through channels a couple months back and came across "Jersey Shore"...and was so mesmerized by the Guido World and it's complete deviation from everything I've known to be normal, that I watched for three hours. I just couldn't turn away)

-Via GChat from JMill:

we should go on a high dining experience in NYC

Marijuana-inspired food -- not meaning "special brownies" or anything like that, but meaning food whose creation was inspired whilst under the influence.

Something tells me that the key ingredients to most of these recipes will be Funyuns, Doritos, and pork rinds. Maybe some Oreos.

-Via Email from White Josh:

After seeing this picture, I can't tell what the Japanese would be most concerned about.  The fact that the base is staying in Okinawa, or what this guy wears out in public!  wow

Oh, Prime Minister Hatoyama.

I was more concerned about Hatoyama and his party taking power last year from the Liberal Democratic Party -- a political party that was pretty much in power for 50+ years straight -- and whether his administration would have the cajones to battle entrenched bureaucrats, endemic and pervasive governmental corruption, and Japan's aging society.

But now I'm more concerned about his fashion sense.

-Via Email from Banker, who just got in to a prestigious university in Europe for a postgrad program. In celebration, Josh M got him a gag gift of an Indian dreamcatcher, which Banker mocked. This email came in a couple of weeks later with attachment:

this thing must have brought me luck, as I hung it up last night, and this morning I wake to have an email from *university name* saying that one who was awarded the scholarship declined, and since I was the runner up, guess who gets it?!

(see below)

so thank you for the dream catcher, as it certainly caught something. 

(I'll never make fun of these again)

Lesson: NEVER QUESTION THE POWER OF THE DREAMCATCHER.

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Inception -- Photo of the Week 10 May 2010

Behold the latest movie poster for the movie that I'm most excited to see this year: Inception.

In the words of Liz Lemon, I want to go to there.

Sure, I've been excited about other movies that turned out to be overhyped and abysmal failures (see: Wolverine and Terminator: Salvation, the cinematic equivalent of JaMarcus Russell), but I have a good feeling about this one. Here are some reasons why:

• One of the current, most solid actors taking the lead role? Check (Leo DiCaprio)
• The director for Memento, Batman Begins, The Prestige, AND The Dark Knight? Check (Christopher Nolan...who has said that the movie is "the biggest challenge I've taken on to this point")
• Japanese dude and all-around bada** playing the villain? Check (Ken Watanabe. Swoon, ladies. SWOON. He may have some male-pattern baldness and his accent may still be a bit thick, but you know you are gravitating toward his austere, rugged handsomeness right now)
• Trailers that don't make much sense and don't give away the best parts of the movie, but are nevertheless enthralling? Check (Folding street blocks, anyone? Uh. Whoa.)
• A tagline that vaguely and enigmatically reads "Your Mind Is The Scene of The Crime"? Check (It's also been described variously as sci-fi crime thriller, a corporate espionage thriller, and other such things)
• A poster that makes me dizzy just looking at it? Check. (That being said, I am the guy that spins his nieces/nephew in circles and ends up falling down before they do)

Look. I won't guarantee that you will like this movie -- because despite what Case thinks, whether something is likable or not is an opinion, and not an irrefutable fact. I can, however, guarantee a few things: (1) Yes, in typical Nolan fashion it will likely be dark; but (2) It will be gripping, and you will be glued to the edge of your seat; because (3) your head will be spinning to figure out what is going on for the entire two hours; and (4) It will be absolutely original and unique. It may even reach into the "weird" or "strange" category, but aren't we always complaining about formulaic and predictable plots, bland characters and dialogue, and stale movie concepts? This is going to be good.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to it.


Happy Monday, all! I missed DC Highlights last week. I have been busy. And pondering the future of RoSA. But that's neither here nor there.

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Weekly Selects #32

Was busy yesterday watching movie plot hole after movie plot hole unfold as undeveloped characters delivered cliched dialogue in a special effects extravaganza; and yet still found myself entertained. Thanks, Clash of the Titans. So here we go a day late with some DC, and I apologize to any readers who are not able to see embedded YouTube clips, as I received a lot of these this past week. Let's do this:

-Via Gchat from Banker:

something for your blog?

Um, yes, please, and THANK YOU. These are all great, but I honestly think Arnold was best in Pumping Iron, mostly because it was a documentary (the key: NO ACTING REQUIRED) and you just got to watch Arnold brag about himself in all of his bulging, symmetrical, Adonis-like physical perfection. In college we called the Blockbuster (back when Netflix hadn't rendered "video stores" obsolete) to ask if they had it:

Us: Hi, do you have Pumping Iron?
Blockbuster Dude: Um. Let me check The movie from 1977?
Us: Yes. That's the one.
Blockbuster Dude: Yes, we have it.
Us: Okay. We'll come get it right now. Actually, could you hold on to it for us? Just to make sure no one grabs it?
Blockbuster Dude: ...Uh, I don't think that's going to be a problem. But sure.

-Via Google Reader share, some selected analogies and metaphors found in high school students' essays. Aspiring writers, TAKE NOTES:

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef

There are just too many good ones here. If you are/know a K-12 teacher, please keep record of these. These are priceless, if not humiliating later in life for the children.

-Via Google Reader share, the best custom pizza I've ever seen:

"I be tossin' and flossin', my style is awesome."

-Via Email from Kate:

I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry

My personal favorite is the sister in the middle seat. The disdainful look of utter disapproval at her parents' insensitivity, coupled with the folded arms, is amazing. If I ever get a look like that from my future daughter I'll probably curl up in a ball and never speak again.

PS I need to kidnap an Asian child.

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Weekly Selects #31

some older ones i've been meaning to get to, and some new ones...

-Via Email from Saree, from Awkward Family Photos:

you must, must, must click on this link

 I only have two questions regarding the Bacon Brothers:
1) Are those vests textured?
2) Do we have a grill large enough to slap all three of the brothers on and get some breakfast going?

-Via IM from Josh M, with some high points during the first minute and around the 4:23- and the 5:00-marks:

More gems

It's like The Star Wars Kid, but in this case the kid actually knows he's being taped AND that it's going to go on the internet.

If you have the time, the whole thing is as watchable as a Barry Sanders highlight reel -- you know, if Sanders were an uncoordinated, mulleted marshmallow of a man aspiring to swordsmanship prowess, all while wearing a sweatsuit with cliched Asian logos on it.

The "DRAGON TWISTER" at 5:04 is a study in kinetic grace and beauty, like the Moscow Ballet (is that a real thing?) but I'm more interested in the origins of the name...The Kentucky Fried Chickens in Japan had a wrap called the Dragon Twister... and the kid has a nice little gut going, indicating overeating of something. Possible connection?

-Via Google Reader share, a New York Post article from the writer of the Battlefield Earth script, apologizing for writing the worst movie story ever. My favorite excerpt:

[Travolta] said again how much he loved the script and called it "The Schindler's List of sci-fi"

I make horribly outlandish and hyperbolized comparisons. But that was the worst I've ever heard of/thought of/imagined thinking of.

Well, I've been waiting for a decade for justice to be served, for some sort of atonement to be made for this awful excuse for a movie. Is an apology in a newspaper enough? Probably not. But it's a start.

-Via Email from Midge, a final video:

stupid, but fitting for a thursday morning

I'm a very active sleeper. Blankets and such usually end up on the floor, and I've been known to jump off a 2nd-level bunkbed before, but running into a wall headfirst is still on the to-do list.

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Metasatire -- Praise it

Satire exposes the flaws, weaknesses, and idiosyncracies of a political/social/etc system or group; its effectiveness lies in its ability to push equivocation aside and directly address the heart of the problem by using humor (I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I JUST TYPED BUT IT SOUNDS RIGHT). Well, whatever it is, I like satire mostly because it's FUNNY.

Take this device up a level to what I will term "metasatire" -- where things are mocked in vague generalities -- and you see exactly how formulaic things in our society such as our 24-hour news programs (first clip) and movies (second clip) have become.

Man, oh man, I love these clips... but it's a little scary to see that we are getting fed this stuff over and over...

The Onion News mocking the news, courtesy of Banker (WARNING: a bit of language here)


Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

And the mockery of the Oscars (courtesy of C. Dees)




Sigh. Wistful, yet resigned statement about my inferior creativity and sense of humor relative to the creators of these two videos.

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Weekly Selects #29

catching up correspondence from two weeks ago...

-Via Facebook from a friend who asked to remain Anonymous, after I posted on my Facebook wall that I had just finished watching Mortal Kombat:

I don't have the courage to post this on your wall, but because I have a history of telling you embarrassing stories of myself I will divulge that Mortal Kombat holds a special place in my heart because when I was in 8th grade I won a cheerleading competition (solo) dancing to the Mortal Kombat theme song.

In my own defense, I promised to watch the movie with JMill when she was laid up with her broken leg. I figured when your leg's broken in three places, you need to know that there are worse things in life, and starring in a movie based on a video game is one of them.

I'm afraid I can't come to my friend's defense, though... The "she was young!" excuse would be nice to use, but that doesn't absolve me of the embarrassment I should feel at the bowlcut I sported from ages 12-14.

Ok, fine, 12-15.

-Via Google Chat status from Jay Z, my boy from high school who is quitting smoking, quoting our friend TP:

plus, as educated, and otherwise privileged white kids, quitting smoking is likely the most adversity we'll ever have to overcome

TP may have a point. He, Jay Z, and some other friends had to start The Upper Middle Class White Male Heterosexuals club in high school. See, when you grow up upper-middle class, white, male, and heterosexual in WA, you need a forum/support group of peers you can relate to; with whom you can gather and talk about the disenfranchisement you feel at the hands of all of the other upper middle class, white, heterosexuals you go to school with. Nothing makes the homogeneous majority feel unique than having a club based on their homogeneity.

Interesting side story: I was told I could join the club but that I would only be 3/5 of a vote. I wasn't upset so much about the racist overtones of their condition on my membership, but rather about the condition's inability to mask which way I voted on issues: "Let's see. The tally is 5 votes for, and 3/5 of a vote against. Nice job, JD."

-Via Email from sister Jen, zentai, a Japanese practice I was unaware of:

The Japanese strike again

photos and article from here; all of them are worth a view

Zentai is "the practice of cocooning one's self from head to toe in a skin-tight bodysuit," a practice I normally associated with superheroes like Spiderman and other fictional characters. Another quote from a zentai-er: "It’s like a portable safety blanket...like you’re pulling the sheets up over your head." I'm not extremely claustrophobic, but being encased in skin-tight spandex would feel like I was wrapped in saran wrap, or had a plastic bag tied around my head, and that I was being choked to death -- NOT like a safety blanket. But what do I know? I'm the weird one that wears stuff like t-shirts, jeans, and hoodies.

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A Leprechaun Tale, or Two

St. Patrick's Day reminds us once a year to be proud of our Irishness -- infinitesimal as it may be for some of us -- and then we promptly forget about it for the other 364 days of the year and make fun of "those crazy Irish." Today's a great opportunity to remember the charming, uniquely-Irish contributions those crazy Irish have made to society: (1) Brawling (2) drinking (3) passing out from drinking (4) harvesting potatoes (5) being Catholic (all of these established facts were taken from The Onion's atlas, thank you very much).

A skill often forgotten amidst the slurred confusion of (1)-(3) is the Irish ability to tell stories. I have a beauty for you here, courtesy of Waffles*, who went to school in Arkansas for a bit and heard this story from some friends that live there. Coincidentally enough it involves a leprechaun of sorts.

Brought to you by Google Voice, and well worth the 3-minute listen. Just hit the play button:




Oh, what the hell, it's St. Patty's day. Here's another good one from JMill: "Give me the gold...i want the gold!"



*From Talledega Nights, obviously: "Me and Ricky, ever since we were kids, man...we go together like cocaine and waffles." Yup, you guessed it. I'm cocaine. He's waffles.

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Denzel's Career -- Photo of the Week 1 March 2010

Denzel is a legend of our time, so I enjoyed this Venn Diagram mapping the characters he has played in movies (still not sure of its origins):

I wonder what a Venn Diagram of my daily thoughts would be like... Bacon, football, Jason Bourne and/or Wolverine, testosterone, and punching holes in walls. Nothing but typical, manly guy stuff...

Yours?


Happy Monday. It's good to be back.

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Movie Pitch for James Cameron

Based on his success, and his movie-making tendencies, I thought I had the perfect movie pitch James Cameron. Here's how it went.

******

JD: Mr. Cameron, thanks for sitting down with me. I know with the astonishing success of Avatar, you must be busy.
Cameron: /gives me dead-fish handshake/ Please, call me James. I'm told it makes me more...um... personable.
JD: Sure, James. Have a seat.
Cameron: /chuckles while sitting/ It's funny you mention Avatar. Right now it's the second highest grossing movie of all time, likely to be first. Do you know what number one is?
JD: I've got a good guess that it's--
Cameron: It's Titanic!
JD: And I believe--
Cameron: /pointing thumbs at self/ Yes! And I directed it! Wasn't it amazing?
JD: I, uh... /clearing throat and shifting weight in chair/ I actually wrote about how much I hated it, even though I've never seen it.
Cameron: Hate?? How could you hate it? It made so much money. That means it's GOOD.
JD: I'll attribute it to this thing I have for hating things that suck, but let's not get into it. I'm actually glad you bring up Titanic, though, as the movie idea I have for you is related.
Cameron: /leans forward/ Talk to me.
JD: Did you just say 'talk to me'? Do people actually say that in Hollywood?
Cameron: No...I just heard it in a movie. Thought it would be cool.
JD: ...Alright. Anyway, what are the major complaints that people have about Titanic?
Cameron: They have them?
JD: /sigh/ Yes, James. People think it was too long... took forever for that stupid boat to sink. What if I told you you could capture the disaster of Titanic, but in 20-30 minutes?
Cameron: Talk to m--  *ahem* I mean, yeah, I would be interested.
JD: It'll be called Hindenburg. Remember the zeppelin that went down in Germany in 1937? Another large-scale disaster movie, but here are the bonuses: More special effects than Titanic, and it's super short. You know what that means, right?
Cameron: No.
JD: It means good news for you, because no dealing with character development, or dialogue. Don't you see? These are just obstacles to amazing people with your special effects.
Cameron: Actually, now that you mention it -- /leans in slowly/ -- can I tell you something?
JD: Sure.
Cameron: /looks cautiously over each shoulder, leans even closer, then whispers/ I don't understand this demand for character development. And dialogue? What is that?
JD: Well, uh...that's usually considered two people interacting to, uh...develop their characters...
Cameron: /leans back in chair, exasperated/ See. That's what I don't get. I don't get human interaction, or people. And they don't get me, know what I mean? Not the way special effects do, anyway. See, special effects get me -- they don't harass me about taking out the garbage, or wanting me to listen to them cry about....
JD: I hate to interrupt your reverie, James, but you see why Hindenburg would be perfect for you? The passengers go up in the blimp, some poor bastard can even exclaim "I'm king of the world!" Then BOOM. Big explosions. "OH THE HUMANITY!" The end. 
Cameron: Can the explosion last for at least half of the movie?
JD: Sure, James. Sure.
Cameron: And it's guaranteed to make a lot of money, right?

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Weekly Selects #23

A fairly uneventful week, but for what it's worth...

-Via Gchat from Casey, a hilarious review for this item on Amazon.com:

And some excerpts from the review:

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened.

The rest of the product review reads like an adventure out of Gulliver's Travels, if only Swift had the foresight to write "Part V: A Voyage to Walmart in My Howling Wolf T-shirt."

Sigh. If only.

-Via a Comment on one of my previous blog posts from Anonymous:

I wish not agree on it. I think warm-hearted post. Expressly the title-deed attracted me to review the intact story.

Well, thank you, Anonymous, you are too kind. That is the most flattering non-sensical comment I've ever received. Anonymous has recently become a big fan of the blog, leaving all kinds of comments, and I thank him/her for the support. Especially the unbelievably annoying attempts to get me to use Viagra. (DAMN YOU BLOG-SPAMMERS)

-Via Gchat from Butz, just today:

dude my life is so lame and so detached from all things cool.
this is why I need your blog.
you are the last thread tieing me to what's cool.

If I'm the last thing tying Butzie to "what's cool," then that is a very, very thin thread, my friend. And to answer your next question, Butz is a PhD student. In economics. So that pretty much explains the rest of it.

-Via Google Reader from SlashFilm:

A 42-year-old Taiwanese man died of a stroke, which his doctor claims was likely triggered by “over-excitement” from watching James Cameron’s Avatar in 3D.

Back at school, my group of friends had what we termed the "BS Flag," which we would throw any time someone claimed something outlandish. I am throwing that flag now. Look, I'm sorry the guy died, but you know exactly what my guess is: He wanted to, as White Josh said, "go to Pandora -- so he committed suicide by giving himself a stroke."

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Avatar: A Review of the Movie, and its Consequences

Saw Avatar. I realize that with the movie shattering all kinds of box office records, saying "I saw Avatar" is not a unique statement -- about as unique as something like "I wear underwear" (virtually universal, but every once in a while people surprise you). Decided to write a little review, and talk about the consequences I fear will result from this movie.

It was visually STUNNING. Everything I thought was going to be cartoonish ended up being lifelike and gorgeous, and I was drawn into that world. Banker thought to himself during the movie: "So this is what a quarter of a billion dollars can buy," and I agree. For the sheer aesthetics alone, the movie is worth seeing.

However, there were other things that a quarter of a billion dollars couldn't buy. A few off the top of my head:

1. Screenwriters to write a non-predictable plot: Look, I'm not asking for a Sherlock Holmes mystery  that no one can figure out until the very end...but when compared to Avatar's, even the plots of the childrens' books I read to my nieces and nephew, ages 2-5, are wildly unpredictable (POSSIBLY IMPORTANT NOTE: I have read these books dozens of time...even then!). We all had this thing figured out before the 10-minute mark rolled around.

2. Screenwriters to craft an original plot: You've no doubt seen the "rewritten" Pocahontas script floating around, in which Pocahontas character names and places are simply replaced with corresponding names/places from Avatar. Uncanny. Throw in some Fern Gully, The Last Samurai, and Dances With Wolves, and you pretty much have an Avatar storyline: Main character looks down on native culture as "savage;" native culture teaches man importance of life/nature/alternative lifestyle etc; man joins natives' cause; epic battle. The end. I have heard Miley Cyrus lyrics that are more creative than this screenplay. (Avatar writers -- the specific Miley lyrics I had in mind were: "Noddin' my head like 'yeah' / Movin' my hips like 'yeah.' ")

3. Non-recycled dialogue: You couldn't swing a dead cat in a room with this movie and not hit a cliche. (Wait, what? THAT MADE NO SENSE) Or something.

4. A Way to Make the Na'vi Makeout Scene Not Awkward: Yeah. I don't think there is a budget large enough to make this happen. This scene was weird. The only way it could have been more uncomfortable would be if I was 13-years old again and watching it with my parents.

Really, though, I guess we can't expect much in the way of "nuance" or "subtlety" from the director who brought us Terminator, True Lies and Titanic. Cameron does large, sweeping heavy-handed movies, and that's fine, because they are usually enjoyable. In fact, I have a movie pitch for him -- but I'll save that for another day.

But now I want to discuss what really worries me about this film. And no, this has nothing to do with the "anti-American" undertones of the film, which have been the talking points of so many blogs -- I'll leave that to people who care about that stuff. What really worries me about this film is what it will do for/to the Computer-Weirdo (CW) Community. And by CWs, I mean the people who live in their parents' dark basements, playing endless hours of World of Warcraft or Second Life (avatars of their own) or whatever because they feel living a virtual life is infinitely better than attempting the same feat with their own. That's the group I'm talking about. You with me?

I honestly think that Avatar is going to plant all kinds of crazy thoughts in the CWs' heads. I fear that these individuals -- who are already using virtual worlds as an escape from reality -- will convince themselves that technology actually exists that can transport their consciousness into another body, thus enabling them to leave their lazy, pale-skinned, "I have subsisted on an uninterrupted diet of hot dogs, mac & cheese and Mountain Dew for five years" bodies into the body of a lithe, blue-skinned, agile 10-foot feline.

And then they're going to turn into these people:



And then we'll read some Darwin Award about one fanatic who got electrocuted because he was trying to plug his dreadlock into the USB port in his computer...

And then when they realize they can't have it, there will be riots. Or suicides. See, Cameron has dangled this unattainable, fictional carrot in front of a group of individuals that already has trouble separating reality from fiction -- and when they realize that they can't obtain this, there's going to be trouble.

It's going to be a slippery slope. You just wait.

Well, that's my fear.

But other than all that? I whole-heartedly endorse seeing this movie.

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The Pauly Shore-Jean Claude Van Damme Follow-up...And What Have You

If you'll recall, connecting Pauly Shore and Jean Claude Van Damme required a tedious 9 steps to complete. As one of the Framers of The Solution, Butz got all drunk on delusional possible-glory -- I believe his words were "this belongs in the national archives...next to the reimann hypothesis" -- and insisted I post it. I was thinking of keeping it secret, but I have decided to relent and give the school solution. I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

Jean Claude > Street Fighter w/ Raul Julia > The Addams' Family w/ Christine Ricci > The Legend of Sleepy Hollow w/ Johnny Depp > Edward Scissorhands w/ Winona Ryder > Little Women w/ Christian Bale > The Dark Knight w/ Morgan Freeman > Invictus w/ Matt Damon > School Ties w/ Brendan Fraser > Encino Man w/ Pauly Shore

You might also remember that I issued a challenge for anyone to come up with a better solution. I was secretly hoping that you all would just unquestionably accept my word as law and not humiliate me by coming up with something better.

Unfortunately, I vastly overestimated the amount of authoritativeness my statements carry with the readers. You took me up on my challenge. This came in from Lex:

Jean-Claude Van Damme was in Street Fighter with Kylie Minogue who was in Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
That is probably as close as you'll get

/hanging head in consuming shame/

Well, yes, I foolishly threw down the gauntlet. Little did I know that someone would pick up that gauntlet, load it into a howitzer, and promptly shoot me in the face with it. So much for the National Archives and all of its associated glory. Sorry, Butzy.

Obviously this game is a spinoff of Six Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon, an actor so pervasive in modern cinema that he supposedly can be linked to any actor in six steps or less. I had my reservations about this theory until Butz introduced me to oracleofbacon.org, which uses "databases" and "technology" to prove that rarely does it take more than three steps for any actor to be connected to Mr. Bacon.

This is revolutionary.

Sure, the Greeks had the Oracle at Delphi. But if you ask me, the Bacon one is an upgrade. All Delphi did was spout some prophetic gibberish about Oedipus's inevitable patricide and incest /shudder/. Look: I'm don't want to ponder upon the topics of Free-will or fate, or the place of humanity in this world -- IT'S THE 21ST CENTURY GET OVER IT. I want straight facts, son, and if I want to know how Alfred Hitchcock is connected to Kevin Bacon and in how many steps, I'm not going to Delphi. I'm going to Bacon -- the Oracle that will change Western Civilization as we know it.

In related news, I have a theory about who is heir apparent to the Mr. Bacon throne. It HAS to be Nic Cage. So much so, that a new blog has crept up called niccageaseveryone.blogspot.com, where Cage's face is photoshopped onto other movie characters', world leaders, etc. My personal favorite, Nic Cage as Gandalf:

Submitted by Colin Bridgeman

But really. Is there a movie role that Nic Cage will not turn down? I imagine sitting down with him in a coffee shop...

Me: Yo, Nic. Thanks for coming to lunch. Have a seat.
/Nic Cage sits/
Me: Now, I have a screenpl--
Nic: Done. I'll take it.
Me: ...but I haven't even told you what the movie is about.
Nic: /shaking head dismissively/ Doesn't matter. Talk to my agent about the details.
Me: Well, I think you should know what the movie is about first.
Nic: Really? /looks around nervously/ Alright, fine.
Me: I want to do a biography about an actor who started out strong, doing some quirky films, winning an Oscar for a movie called...oh, let's see...let's just call it Leaving Las Vegas... He's at the top of the acting world. He can have his pick of roles. But his agent tells him he needs to show 'diversity' and 'get his face out there,' so he starts accepting every single role thrown at him. Anything. As an extra in an Indie film. As a stand-in for a 5-year old at a daytime soap opera. As Ghost Rider. His reputation plummets. He becomes a laughing stock. This will explore his precipitous fall.
Nic: That's a deep storyline, man. Deep. I like it.
Me: You should know we have approached other actors about this before you. Christian Bale. Hugh Jackman. Matt Damon. Even Pauly Shore turned it down. Said it was beneath him.
Nic: No. I want it. My agent's been telling me for years that I need to show diversity, and get my face out there. I'll take it.


So, to recap lessons learned:

• Pauly Shore + Jean Claude Van Damme = still funny
• Kevin Bacon = omnipresent
• Nic Cage = possibly more omnipresent
  

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Weekly Selects #21

-Via Email from J2K:

Rotten Tomatoes just released the worst movies of the 2000’s, Battlefield Earth got 27th. Personally I think it deserved a single digit place.

Agreed. The only thing Battlefield Earth has done is give me some great material to write about and serve as a standard for how to make the WORST MOVIE EVER.

-Via Email from a coworker, Danni, from here; I know Halloween is past, but whatever:

something to make your inner geek laugh hysterically...You have to love when you have less than $10 to spend on a Halloween costume

Well, you also have to admire the umm...resourcefulness of this family. Economical, really -- because did you see this Jabba the Hut costume? $60!

OK. Enough with outdated holiday-related stuff.

-Via Email from AM:

SUBJECT: i am an addict

I find myself ending all my stressed-out exclamations with this phrase: "I need sushi."  For example: "This is a mess.  I don't even know where to start.  I need sushi."
"I have 22 missed calls.  I need sushi."
"I missed another typo.  I need sushi."
"What a disaster.  I need sushi."

For someone who, no more than two months ago, would recoil and curl up like a frightened pillbug at the mere mention of sushi, the pendulum seems to have swung the other way with AM. Addiction takes many forms -- this one has come in the form of vinegared rice, dried seaweed, and the occasional piece of raw fish. Well, I couldn't be prouder.

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New Years' Snowshoeing -- Photo of the Week 4 Jan 2010

No better way to celebrate a new year than getting your snowshoeing ON, and that's exactly what our road trip to West Virginia provided for us. Sure, West Virginia's MOs are usually missing teeth, alleged inbreeding, and overall backwards-ness, but it is a state with some amazing natural beauty. It was a great way to spend the 1st of the new year -- how did you celebrate?

As always, road tripping with friends is fun. The game providing the most entertainment was 6 Degrees of Actor Separation, where you connect two actors by movies that they have been in with other actors.**  The most challenging connection to make was Pauly Shore and Jean Claude Van Damme -- partly because none of us could name more than one movie of their's.... but mostly because the mere mention of either actors' name was enough to produce uncontrollable laughter. Why was it so funny? I still don't know, and likely will go to my grave not knowing.

Either way, I challenge you to find a solution that takes less than 9 degrees of separation for those two, because that was the best we could come up with.

Also thanks to 6 Degrees, I found out that Jean Claude's nickname is "The Muscles from Brussels." I feel stupid for having gone through 20+ years of life and having not known this. Shame on me. And shame on my entire educational system and my friends and family for having never taught me this.


Anyway. Happy first Monday of the year, all.

**For example, if you wanted to connect Matt Damon and Christian Bale, you would say that Matt Damon was in Invictus with Morgan Freeman, and Morgan Freeman was in the Batman's with Christian Bale. Just two degrees of separation.

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