Apparently, I'm the Nic Cage Guy Now? Awesome.

Thanks to my unabashed and -- by unanimous consensus, unhealthy -- lust for things such as bacon and root beer, friends and family often kindly go out of their way to pass on interesting news stories about said topics... or, when they are feeling particularly generous, to buy me associated products. Off the top of my head, I can think of many items given to me: a bacon chocolate bar (consumed with a quizzical, yet satisfied, look on my face); membership to a Root Beer of the Month Club (the only thing I looked forward to for three months straight); random obscure root beers from distant lands (consumed with gratitude); a bacon air freshener (presently stinking up my car); a bacon-bits-topped chocolate muffin (surprisingly good); and, gummy candy that looked uncannily like bacon. You get the idea: There are advantages to publicizing what you like.

I'm afraid, however, that my thorough and accurate analysis from a while back about Mr. Nic Cage and the trajectory of his career (disclaimer: I realize "downward spiral" may not technically be a trajectory for you physics nerds, but deal with it) may have conveyed that I want to know everything I can about the guy.

First, there was an article that Google News somehow inferred that I wanted to read about him while he is out promoting his new movie, in which he shared his own personal experience with home invasion. I will only paste an excerpt:

"It was two in the morning. I was living in Orange County at the time and was asleep with my wife. My two-year old at the time was in another room. I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed," he told reporters on Wednesday.

"I know it sounds funny ... but it was horrifying."

A Fudgesicle is a frozen, ice cream-like snack.

 (Reuters seeing fit to explain what a fudgesicle is is probably the best part of the article.)

Anyway, yesterday, I got this email from my sister about a man who found an 1870s photograph of a Nic Cage doppelganger. The email simply said, "This made me think of you." Behold the photo:

Give him a Hawaiian shirt and some longer, dishevelled hair, and you have Raising Arizona

I'm all about old photos, but you have to admit that 1870s photography didn't quite capture the crazy of Nic Cage like modern film does. I present to the jury Exhibit A & B and rest my case:

Anyway, apparently I am not only "The Bacon Guy" and "The Root Beer Guy" -- appellations I am very proud of -- but I am now also "The Nic Cage Guy." The only time I felt more misunderstood was when a Japanese man heard me speaking my 4-month old Japanese and asked "Anata wa seishinbyo ja nai*?"

*You're retarded, right?

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Weekly Selects #44

Let's do's us some Weekly Selects:

-Via Email from Matty, who had this to say about a YouTube clip he sent:

This very bizarre Japanese commercial for a Zelda game seemed to be a viable contender for one of your weekly selects.

Well, really, it has been too long since I've had a chance to ponder about the strangeness of my people. It reminds me a little bit of Dungeons & Dragons re-enactments (costumes) and Matt pointed out that it reminded him of the Michael Jackson's Thriller dance (choreography), so there you have the targeted demographic of Nintendo's ad campaign: The maladjusted social outcast losers of D&D... and, the pedophiles (Michael Jackson jokes: too soon?)

(Kudos to Matt, for his first RoSA contribution)

--Via Email from Case:

I blew it didn't I?  I can't believe I wasted that chance to be part of the blog.  I got to tell you the truth, I got stagefright... I'll never forgive myself, such a big moment and I choked.

Background: I wanted Case to leave me a voicemail that I was then going to post to RoSA for the Seahawks' win last week, but he, as stated above, "blew it." Remember the translator in Saving Private Ryan? The one who totally froze up out of fear during the last battle scene and doesn't help anyone in his unit, and then they pretty much all die? Yeah. That's what Case did here. Instead of clutching his rifle, though, I imagine him clutching his cell phone and rocking himself back & forth under his desk at work.

Thanks for abandoning me, Case.

I am dubbing this The Unleft Voicemail Incident, and I will not forget it.

But I suppose his candidly stated reasons for not coming through are funny enough that he totally redeemed himself. Ironic, really.

--Via Email from Lexi, an article titled "Man Flies Into Rage Over Photo of Saved by the Bell Character":

"[A] man pulled a framed photo of Saved by the Bell character A.C. Slater from the wall and smashed it on the ground..." stating " 'I just don't like Slater.' "

Lexi's comment:

Does it please you or make you afraid that you are the first person I thought of sharing this with after I read it?

I think I'm more confused than pleased or afraid. My honest initial thought: What's a bar in Chicago doing with a picture of Mario Lopez on their wall?

Subsequent thoughts: "Is Lexi sending this to me because she thinks I'm violent and would do something similar? Or does she think I like Saved by the Bell more than the average person? I'm totally confused."

Like I said. Unbridled befuddlement. Welcome to my thoughts, people.

--Lastly, via Facebook from Sister Jen: 

On Display In Portland: The Art Of Beautiful Beards 

I recommend checking it out. That facial hair is impressive. This was not.

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Weekly Selects #38

I was asked to fill-in for a dodgeball game last night -- my first organized one -- which was surprisingly fun. My two personal memorable takeaways: (1) The dude on the other team who was pointing people off the court that he had hit, and who also gave me the "come and get some" wave of his hand when it was just me and him left; (2) The Asian-dominated team we were playing thought I was on their team. Oh, good times. And yes, my arm is sore.

Your videos, and then your Highlights:

Videos:
-An Ian McKellen impersonator doing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air intro
-NASA How to Poop in Space Tutorial (a little long, but no wonder they cut the shuttle program)
-Watch me run 300 yards of my marathon (not really all that exciting, but you can hear Casey narrate and Shigeko laugh merrily. Thanks, Jay!) 
-Stupidest commercial EVER (and the song is stuck in my head. I hate whoever made this commercial.)

-Via Email from Casey, who sent a strange article about people in Japan (sigh) whose job is to break-up couples instead of matching them up:

Have an ex that won’t go away?  If you live in Japan, you can call on a wakaresase-ya or "splitter-upper": "The function of the wakaresase-ya is the direct opposite of a dating agency: with great ingenuity, and the right fee, they will prise apart human relationships."  For example, these professionals will trick a spouse or undesirable future daughter-in-law into committing an affair, and provide photographic evidence of the indiscretion. "We produce a drama at the request of our clients," says Osamu Tomiya, a splitter-upper.

I apologize on behalf of Japan.

As sad as this is, and as much as I think that reality TV is ruining television society, these type of guys has the makings of a successful reality show. Some sort of cross between "Rock of Love," "Dog: The Bounty Hunter," and "Survivor." It has manipulation, drama, scandal, and tumultuous relationships -- all key factors in melting American brains into a soupy mass of stupid-reality-show-addicted gruel.*

*(In the interests of full disclosure, I was flipping through channels a couple months back and came across "Jersey Shore"...and was so mesmerized by the Guido World and it's complete deviation from everything I've known to be normal, that I watched for three hours. I just couldn't turn away)

-Via GChat from JMill:

we should go on a high dining experience in NYC

Marijuana-inspired food -- not meaning "special brownies" or anything like that, but meaning food whose creation was inspired whilst under the influence.

Something tells me that the key ingredients to most of these recipes will be Funyuns, Doritos, and pork rinds. Maybe some Oreos.

-Via Email from White Josh:

After seeing this picture, I can't tell what the Japanese would be most concerned about.  The fact that the base is staying in Okinawa, or what this guy wears out in public!  wow

Oh, Prime Minister Hatoyama.

I was more concerned about Hatoyama and his party taking power last year from the Liberal Democratic Party -- a political party that was pretty much in power for 50+ years straight -- and whether his administration would have the cajones to battle entrenched bureaucrats, endemic and pervasive governmental corruption, and Japan's aging society.

But now I'm more concerned about his fashion sense.

-Via Email from Banker, who just got in to a prestigious university in Europe for a postgrad program. In celebration, Josh M got him a gag gift of an Indian dreamcatcher, which Banker mocked. This email came in a couple of weeks later with attachment:

this thing must have brought me luck, as I hung it up last night, and this morning I wake to have an email from *university name* saying that one who was awarded the scholarship declined, and since I was the runner up, guess who gets it?!

(see below)

so thank you for the dream catcher, as it certainly caught something. 

(I'll never make fun of these again)

Lesson: NEVER QUESTION THE POWER OF THE DREAMCATCHER.

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Weekly Selects #37

I get so many new YouTube clips a week that I can't possibly include them all even though I still want to include them. So, before the weekly DC highlights, I'll toss hyperlinks to some of the better videos from the past week, and you guys can decide on which one you like the best. 

Alrighty. Let's do this:

Videos:
-Slayer Goes to Church (Think church service meets mosh pit)
-Swagger Wagon (You can't tell me it's not catchy -- should be in contention for a Grammy)
-Will Ferrell Express (Watch Ferrell start a basebrawl and throw beer at other players)
-Sauerkraut Wrestling (You'd better not dive in with any open cuts...could sting)

-Via TXT from DJA:

Quoting the "gentleman"@the nxt window making his transaction@the bank: "& i need 100 singles...thats right...100 singles." yes.

Well, at least someone was having fun over the weekend.

-Via Email from JMill:

the squirrel that died in your wall...

You might recall the squirrel that got stuck in our wall and that I feared would die and would become a ghost Clown-Squirrel and haunt me. But a drunk Clown-Squirrel?? I just wet my pants thinking about it.

But really, I watched this video, felt bad for the squirrel for a split second, then immediately began thinking of the animals that I would like to see drunk (I've already seen a cat high off of dope, so cat doesn't make the list). In no particular order:

• Giraffe: Their necks are so disproportionately long already, can you imagine a giraffe feeling like its head is twice as heavy as it normally is, swaying on the end of that neck? You would laugh.
• Tree Sloth: It would be like the squirrel trying to climb up the tree, but. much. slower.
• Badger, Hippo, Grizzly Bear: I'm just curious to see if they are angry drunks. I think they would be.

Any that you would like to see?

-Via Google Reader, because you know I can't go a DC Highlights without pointing out some strange thing going on over in Japan:

Robot Priest Marries Couple in Japan

Girls always talk about their dream weddings. Somehow I don't think that "Robot priest saying 'Do you take this man to be your wife?' " was part of anyone's scenario. Well, of course, except this Japanese girl's. Oi.

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Cherry Blossoms at Sunrise -- Photo(s) of the Week 17 May 2010

Washington DC takes pride in the cherry blossom trees that Japan gave as gifts back in 1912. (History books tell us it was a gesture to signify the growing relationship between Japan and the US, but I think getting the trees was a last-ditch effort by President Taft to be remembered as "the dude that got us the trees" and not "wait...wasn't that the fat president?")

At any rate, there is about a two-week window in April where the blossoms are in bloom, and this year I dragged AM with me Easter morning so we could catch some sunrise photos down at the Tidal Basin. So sure, I suppose they're over a month old, but I still like them:

This one was taken with a fish-eye lens I borrowed from the man next to me because he basically shouted: "Anybody have a Nikon who wants to take a few shots with a fish-eye lens?" I basically snatched the lens out of his hand before he had finished his sentence, took a few shots, and was immediately filled with a consuming, covetous* Lens Lust (photographers out there know what I'm talking about). I reluctantly returned the lens. But don't think that I didn't start visualizing scenarios -- think Holmes while he's brawling in the latest Sherlock Holmes movie -- about how I could incapacitate the lens-owner and his buddy in four swift blows or less and run away with the lens.**

*(Yup. Guilty of breaking the 10th Commandment)
**(Go ahead and tack on breaking the 8th Commandment, as well)

Anyway. I'll send you off with a Happy Monday and three more that I felt turned out well (which of course you can click on to embiggin'):

Publish Post

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Weekly Selects #36

Sorry 'bout missing last week. Let's do this:

-Via Google Reader, and email from White Josh:

Headline: Biker's corpse propped on motorcycle for three-day wake

So this dude was murdered (sad, and unfortunate), but his last wish was to be propped up on his bike.

Well, this makes me think about a few things, besides the obvious "Huh?" that some of you may have on the tips of your tongues. It got me thinking about what worldly possession I care about enough to be buried with, propped up on/against, or put in my hands in the casket. Root beer? Bacon? A good book? An awesome chrome Barbecue grill? I have no idea.

White Josh chimed in with:

You can prop me up with my racquet and goggles. Yacquetball for lizife.

Yacquetball is a story for another time, but let's just say it was a game we made up at college involving racquetball equipment, eye and/or crotch protection, and caused $800+ damage to the basement of our dorm hall.

-Via Google Reader:

cupcakes flying out of a 120psi cupcake cannon and into people's faces.

I don't know why that's so awesome. But it is.

-Via Email from White Josh, from Williams & Sonoma:

Speaking of BBQ'ing...

Why brand something that you're just going to stuff in your face? Someone needs to explain the relevance of this to me. I mean, yeah, it's cool because it feeds the ego -- I won't deny that seeing 'JD' branded onto a steak would be awesome -- but still...

-Via Email from Case, LOST-inspired Bentos from www.aibento.net:

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Be Prepared (So You Don't Do Something Stupid)

I think the Boy Scout motto is too simple: "Be prepared."

For what, exactly? Just a little more detail would provide some guidance, like "be prepared for natural disasters" or "be prepared for when you're bit by a rabid dog." For me personally, it should be something along the lines of "be prepared for anything, just so you don't make a STUPID decision" (or, alternately: "be prepared in case a clown hopped up on meth comes at you with a crowbar." Don't tell me it can't happen).

And that's why, even though the Civie is still driving alright,  I am preparing ahead of time and shopping for a new car now. I figure that if I do all of my research now I will know what I want to buy -- so that when my car DOES die I won't rush out in a frenzied, impulsive panic, and before I know it I'm driving home missing a kidney and 80% of my liver because I sold them as the down payment on a Bentley I can't afford.

Anyway. I'm hoping to avoid the Bentley-situation, so I've narrowed it down to three cars for very practical reasons:

1) Honda Accord/Civic - Dependability? Good gas mileage? WRONG. We all know that the Accord and Civic are the car models that are the most "Rice Rocketable," and we all know I be wantin to get my Tokyo Drift on on the suburban streets of Northern VA.

2) Toyota Matrix - This is one of the "crossover" vehicles, meaning that it's half-sedan, half-SUV. I need a car I can relate to and feel connected with, and this car understands what it's like to be a "halfie" caught between two worlds. This could be a good match for me.

3) Toyota Prius - I hear what you're thinking: "Yeah, it gets good gas mileage, but what about the massive recalls this year. And the sticky accelerator pedals. It's a death trap, man. Don't do it."

Well, you're probably right on all those accounts, but you're assuming that those would deter me because you  forgot HOW HARDCORE I AM. I want this car precisely because it IS dangerous, and because being strapped into a large piece of metal hurtling at high rates of speed, and possibly being unable to control or stop that vehicle, doesn't scare me. I live for it.

(No, but really...I hope Toyota fixed that pedal problem if I end up buying the car.)

You've probably noticed that my list is exclusively Japanese. I'm not called an elitist for nothing.


Anybody have suggestions or advice of their own?

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Weekly Selects #34

Quick Civie update before we get started. I took her in to get fixed with a mechanic who has been fixing cars for local LDS people for what I'm sure has been decades. The mechanic's name is Howard, but I prefer to call him Father Time, because he is quite possibly the oldest mechanic alive. It would not shock me if he started a story with "You know, I remember what I was doing when I found out that McKinley was shot." But Howard's a stud, and knows what he's doing, so I'm hoping for the best.

Okay. Now to this week's highlights:

-Via Google Reader:

Rechristen Yourself with the Wu-Tang Clan Nickname Generator

I know you want to know what my Wu-Tang name is: Misunderstood Demon, son. And I also know that you want to try it yourself. Let me know if you get something you like.


-Via Email from Gina C:

Funny baseball interview: Park Chan-ho, the first Korean to play in Major League Baseball.  After a horrible first game of the 2010 season, Park Chan-ho pitched 3 innings of score-less relief in Game 3.  Reporters asked him what was the difference.  See the interview for his answer...

The funniest part is Park's inability to understand why his teammates are laughing so hard. Someone can correct me if they disagree, but my experience has been that people from east Asian cultures are much more open about discussing toilet-oriented topics.

-Via Email from BreakUpEasy.com:

Subj: JMill has something to tell you: We here at BreakUpEasy.com are sorry to be the ones to tell you that JMill no longer wishes to be with you. Because breaking up with someone can be hard, JMill has decided to use our website to give you this news.

The email expounds on the specific reasons for the breakup.

So they have a break-up websites, now. Huh. What else are cowards going to have the internet do for them in order to avoid confrontation? Beat up the bully at school? Tell the high school band teacher that they're quitting band? Unbelievable.

-Via Email from Drew, a coworker and a huge runner who advocates the "minimalist" approach to running shoes (it gets good around 0:45):

Nike Free Ad

I don't know why this is awesome, but it is. The disclaimer at the end is also a nice touch.

I always answer that if given three wishes by a genie, my first wish would be to be the best breakdancer ever. I think my second may have just become "be a Japanese DJ that mixes with Nike shoes."

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BOOK I KNOW I LOVE -- Photo of the Week 19 April 2010

I'm a big enough nerd that one of the things I get most excited about is getting a new book.


I just got word that Sara Boo, bless her most thoughtful of hearts, just bought a new book titled: The Big Bento Box of Unuseless Japanese Inventions. I haven't seen it yet, but all I need to know about it is in the title, and I love it already. Here's one featured invention in it I found through Amazon:

The "Forward Backward Glasses." Just in case you have friends who are ninjas that like to sneak up on you from behind. Of course, if this friend is a smart ninja he'll realize that as soon as you put on these glasses, your visibility drastically shrinks from 180 degrees to about six degrees (combined between the two scopes), so sneaking up on you when you are wearing these glasses is actually easier than when you're not wearing them. Unuseless? Counterproductive? All of these words are interchangeable, really.

This book, combined with my Atlas from The Onion, are the only coffeetable books I'll ever need. I'm excited to get my hands on it, and excited to share some of its nuggets of hilarity with you.




Happy Monday, all!

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Weekly Selects #33

Now for the Nyquil-fueled edition of the weekly Highlights...

-Via TXT from Case, who took a trip to NYC that I was unfortunately unable to participate in:

Who is missing from this picture?

Well, knowing Case, I'm assuming this was an attempted guilt trip on me, but who knows? Case could be crazy and imagining he has his arm around someone.

-Via Email from JMill, another Japanese video with lots of ripping clothes and fire-breathing:



In my high school film editing class some buddies and I were going to do a Bruce Lee documentary, starring yours truly (who has never taken a martial arts class in his life). The opening scene was going to have a gong sound, me screaming with primal fury, and then my (pre-cut) shirt ripping from my body. Similar to this video, really, 'cept I can assure you that a black speedo was never, ever a remotely considered concept.

(JMill also sent me one or two (a Star Wars rap --If you want to see Darth Vader rap, the fusion of hip hop and Star Wars geek culture is awesome) other videos that are worth checking out if you happen to have the time.)

-Via Email from Nartker:

Mel and I successfully put together a LARGE dresser from Ikea today ...I'm not admitting how many hours it took ,but I thought of u everytime I looked at those ridiculous directions. I'm convinced that convicts in whatever country ikea is from are paid 13 cents an hour to come up with those directions.... It makes sense that there are no written instructions... They can't read or write!

It's the best theory I've heard about Ikea's frustrating assembly instructions so far.

-Via Email from Julie:

kind of gross, kind of cool

 from thisisfreakingridiculous.com

That's right. Things made from bacon that shouldn't be, including an AK-47, hats, and bras.

I actually had strong words with Butzie this afternoon because his G-chat status that read "pepperoni is the new bacon." When I challenged him on it, he responded with "I dare you to try the meatball pepperoni footlong from subway and then tell me that bacon is better." We eventually came to an agreement that if the pepperoni sandwich isn't better, I have free license to him with an actual sandwich.

I say we open up the challenge to anyone -- let me know how the pepperoni meatball is, and then we can collectively beat Butzie with subway sandwiches next time we see him.

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Weekly Selects #31

some older ones i've been meaning to get to, and some new ones...

-Via Email from Saree, from Awkward Family Photos:

you must, must, must click on this link

 I only have two questions regarding the Bacon Brothers:
1) Are those vests textured?
2) Do we have a grill large enough to slap all three of the brothers on and get some breakfast going?

-Via IM from Josh M, with some high points during the first minute and around the 4:23- and the 5:00-marks:

More gems

It's like The Star Wars Kid, but in this case the kid actually knows he's being taped AND that it's going to go on the internet.

If you have the time, the whole thing is as watchable as a Barry Sanders highlight reel -- you know, if Sanders were an uncoordinated, mulleted marshmallow of a man aspiring to swordsmanship prowess, all while wearing a sweatsuit with cliched Asian logos on it.

The "DRAGON TWISTER" at 5:04 is a study in kinetic grace and beauty, like the Moscow Ballet (is that a real thing?) but I'm more interested in the origins of the name...The Kentucky Fried Chickens in Japan had a wrap called the Dragon Twister... and the kid has a nice little gut going, indicating overeating of something. Possible connection?

-Via Google Reader share, a New York Post article from the writer of the Battlefield Earth script, apologizing for writing the worst movie story ever. My favorite excerpt:

[Travolta] said again how much he loved the script and called it "The Schindler's List of sci-fi"

I make horribly outlandish and hyperbolized comparisons. But that was the worst I've ever heard of/thought of/imagined thinking of.

Well, I've been waiting for a decade for justice to be served, for some sort of atonement to be made for this awful excuse for a movie. Is an apology in a newspaper enough? Probably not. But it's a start.

-Via Email from Midge, a final video:

stupid, but fitting for a thursday morning

I'm a very active sleeper. Blankets and such usually end up on the floor, and I've been known to jump off a 2nd-level bunkbed before, but running into a wall headfirst is still on the to-do list.

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Weekly Selects #30

still playing catch-up, but here we go...

-Via Email from AM, an article titled "Women Hospitalized After Bogus Butt Enhancements." From the first paragraph:

six women in New Jersey who hoped to plump up their backsides have ended up hospitalized with infections, after a bogus doctor injected their derrieres with a mixture of silicone, petroleum jelly and, perhaps most hazardous, household caulk

Oh sure, all the essentials for body augmentation...silicone: check. petroleum jelly: check. And caul-- wait, what?! Caulk? Like what you use to seal bathtubs?

Sky Mall needs to strike while the iron is hot to market their Body Figure Enhancing Pads as a safer alternative to having caulk injected into your cheeks. They could go with a simple catchphrase, "Keep caulk out of your a**." Or something.

-Via from cousin Em. I have to warn you, if you weren't on your way to have nightmares of Japanese men with mohawks yet, this will have you back on track:

have you already posted this?

Clapping your hands to express happiness has never been so skin-crawlingly creepy.

Well, I'm typing this on Wednesday night/Thurs morning, and I'm tired, so you're just getting two this week...

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Weekly Selects #29

catching up correspondence from two weeks ago...

-Via Facebook from a friend who asked to remain Anonymous, after I posted on my Facebook wall that I had just finished watching Mortal Kombat:

I don't have the courage to post this on your wall, but because I have a history of telling you embarrassing stories of myself I will divulge that Mortal Kombat holds a special place in my heart because when I was in 8th grade I won a cheerleading competition (solo) dancing to the Mortal Kombat theme song.

In my own defense, I promised to watch the movie with JMill when she was laid up with her broken leg. I figured when your leg's broken in three places, you need to know that there are worse things in life, and starring in a movie based on a video game is one of them.

I'm afraid I can't come to my friend's defense, though... The "she was young!" excuse would be nice to use, but that doesn't absolve me of the embarrassment I should feel at the bowlcut I sported from ages 12-14.

Ok, fine, 12-15.

-Via Google Chat status from Jay Z, my boy from high school who is quitting smoking, quoting our friend TP:

plus, as educated, and otherwise privileged white kids, quitting smoking is likely the most adversity we'll ever have to overcome

TP may have a point. He, Jay Z, and some other friends had to start The Upper Middle Class White Male Heterosexuals club in high school. See, when you grow up upper-middle class, white, male, and heterosexual in WA, you need a forum/support group of peers you can relate to; with whom you can gather and talk about the disenfranchisement you feel at the hands of all of the other upper middle class, white, heterosexuals you go to school with. Nothing makes the homogeneous majority feel unique than having a club based on their homogeneity.

Interesting side story: I was told I could join the club but that I would only be 3/5 of a vote. I wasn't upset so much about the racist overtones of their condition on my membership, but rather about the condition's inability to mask which way I voted on issues: "Let's see. The tally is 5 votes for, and 3/5 of a vote against. Nice job, JD."

-Via Email from sister Jen, zentai, a Japanese practice I was unaware of:

The Japanese strike again

photos and article from here; all of them are worth a view

Zentai is "the practice of cocooning one's self from head to toe in a skin-tight bodysuit," a practice I normally associated with superheroes like Spiderman and other fictional characters. Another quote from a zentai-er: "It’s like a portable safety blanket...like you’re pulling the sheets up over your head." I'm not extremely claustrophobic, but being encased in skin-tight spandex would feel like I was wrapped in saran wrap, or had a plastic bag tied around my head, and that I was being choked to death -- NOT like a safety blanket. But what do I know? I'm the weird one that wears stuff like t-shirts, jeans, and hoodies.

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STOP ISLAND THEFT! -- Photo of the Week 15 March 2010

With an upcoming trip to New York City, I was reminded of this ad from 2008, and wished I could have seen this beauty in Times Square:

A life-sized figure of a thief wearing a Japanese imperial flag as a mask with a caption that reads: "STOP ISLAND THEFT. Japan attempts to steal Asia's islands by distorting history." South Korea and Japan are still disputing with each other over the sovereignty of the Dokdo / Takeshima islands (read: pebbles in the middle of the sea between the two countries).

Oh, but there's more this picture. Pan out a bit:

People always say "location, location, location," and the marketers in charge of this campaign took this advice to heart when placing this statue. When seeking support for the Republic of Korea's campaign against the resurgence of Japan's neo-imperialistic aspirations, what better demographic to target than those likely to be interested in Chorus Line, starring Mario Lopez? None, I tell you. NONE. The two groups are basically the same.


Happy Monday, all. "Losing" an hour sucks.

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Weekly Selects #27

Another week...

-Via Email from Case:

ohh my. I wish you could understand the narrator. So this video is of a real simulation that the Japanese zoo did, in the case of an animal escaping.

My personal favorite is the first zoo worker that gets mauled and then is "dead." Hope the dude got some hazard pay.

-Via Google Buzz from Ben:

Is this facebook? Where is my farmtown? Did someone just email me? What is the difference between an email and a facebook inbox message?

I echo my brother-in-law's confusion. Has anybody figured out what Google Buzz is, besides yet another thing to check? Anybody? 

Speaking of confusing layouts, I switched up the format of the blog...for all you RSS feed readers, let me know what you think of the new look.

-Via Email from Mike M, who actually sent this a few weeks ago, but in commemoration of the Olympics:

PETA's protest pins are going to be a huge hit at the Olympics. Much bigger than the green jello pins at the SLC olympics.

Yup. Seal clubbing is now an Olympic sport. And you know who's going to dominate, don't you...That's right, the Japanese. They's gonna rack up all kinds of medals, son, and there's nothing you cuddly animal-loving countries can do about it.

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Weekly Selects #26

-Via TXT from JMill:

Text twist for you

Like any egotist, I enjoy people dedicating things to me just as much as the next guy, but now I'm just insulted. And it's not really because JMill called me an ass -- it's more the fact that JMill typed the word, thought of me, took the picture of the screen with her cell phone, and bothered to send it to me.

-Via Google Reader Share from a few friends:



A bunch of costumed Japanese monster-villains dancing to the 'Thriller' music video. Sounds like a Power Ranger's worst nightmare to me. I don't think the Filipino prisoners have anything on these guys.

-Via Blog comment from Anonymous, who is back leaving crazy comments:

Ethical concerns aside... I just hope that as technology further innovates, the possibility of uploading our brains onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's a fantasy that I daydream about every once in a while.

-On another note, I asked for suggestions on Facebook on what to do with my tax rebate this year and received suggestions for three types of drugs, hair extensions, a professional perm, and my personal favorite: breast implants. Glad I can always count on you guys for constructive comments.

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Weekly Selects #25

Thanks, all, for submissions. DC for the week:

-Via TXT from Josh M, regarding his attending the ballet:

Not too shabby...Could've done without the bulging packages though.

Well, if ever there was a reason not to appreciate good performing arts, I think Josh M just summarized it nicely via SMS.

-Via Picture TXT from DJA:

Genius. Now only if theyd taste a bit more like bacon.

Really, why do we keep putting off the inevitable? I'm telling you: Bacon-flavored bacon.

-Via Email from Casey, about 12 Creepy Dolls. The Japanese aren't ones to be outdone:

Check out the doll from Japan. Weird dude, just plain weird

Yup. In addition to times tables and grammar, learning to shave baby dolls is essential to every Japanese schoolkids' education. Right...?

-Via GChat from JMill:

this is my song for you

Yup. Top that.

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The Chip Holder -- Photo of the Week 2 Feb 2010

Frustrated with eating chips at work and getting grease all over your keyboard? Well, the Japanese were, and they came up with the robotic chip holder. Sent by Rijen:

Even though it may be slightly ridiculous (read: totally superfluous), I appreciate the idea. Only it won't work in America.

In the land that has glorified competitive eating and declares unashamedly that "bigger is better," who is going to eat potato chips delicately, one at a time (NOBODY)? The American model needs to contain some of these improvements: 1. A mechanical hand in a cupping shape to maximize the cramming of chips into your face; 2. A mechanical hand with more than one moving finger -- c'mon, God gave us four fingers so we can grip more chips at once to maximize shoving.


Happy Monday!

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Weekly Selects #23

A fairly uneventful week, but for what it's worth...

-Via Gchat from Casey, a hilarious review for this item on Amazon.com:

And some excerpts from the review:

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened.

The rest of the product review reads like an adventure out of Gulliver's Travels, if only Swift had the foresight to write "Part V: A Voyage to Walmart in My Howling Wolf T-shirt."

Sigh. If only.

-Via a Comment on one of my previous blog posts from Anonymous:

I wish not agree on it. I think warm-hearted post. Expressly the title-deed attracted me to review the intact story.

Well, thank you, Anonymous, you are too kind. That is the most flattering non-sensical comment I've ever received. Anonymous has recently become a big fan of the blog, leaving all kinds of comments, and I thank him/her for the support. Especially the unbelievably annoying attempts to get me to use Viagra. (DAMN YOU BLOG-SPAMMERS)

-Via Gchat from Butz, just today:

dude my life is so lame and so detached from all things cool.
this is why I need your blog.
you are the last thread tieing me to what's cool.

If I'm the last thing tying Butzie to "what's cool," then that is a very, very thin thread, my friend. And to answer your next question, Butz is a PhD student. In economics. So that pretty much explains the rest of it.

-Via Google Reader from SlashFilm:

A 42-year-old Taiwanese man died of a stroke, which his doctor claims was likely triggered by “over-excitement” from watching James Cameron’s Avatar in 3D.

Back at school, my group of friends had what we termed the "BS Flag," which we would throw any time someone claimed something outlandish. I am throwing that flag now. Look, I'm sorry the guy died, but you know exactly what my guess is: He wanted to, as White Josh said, "go to Pandora -- so he committed suicide by giving himself a stroke."

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Weekly Selects #22

some highlights for. Enjoy:

-Via Email from Ben and Lex, I got this article in response to the Avatar movie review from yesterday. I highly suggest reading this -- if for no other reason, to realize that there are some disturbed people out there. My favorite excerpt:

"Ever since I went to see 'Avatar' I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it," Mike posted. "I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in 'Avatar.' "

My only response is that I'm disappointed in Mike's knowledge of the Avatar franchise. Is he a true fan if he thinks that Pandora is a world, and it's actually a MOON? What a loser.

-Via Facebook from sister Jen, that was passed from a friend. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Japan's first "complaints choir" !



It's a little long, I know, but man. Hearing complaints from the corporate hordes of Japan in sung form is priceless.

-Via TXT from JMill, when I was trying to get my ski pants to her when she was going snowboarding:

I dont care about methods i just want in your pants

Anybody who knows JMill knows that she is -- um, not verbally inhibited. But this is really just a running innuendo joke from the first time that she needed to borrow my ski pants.

OH, and why not add one more memorable quote from JMill -- it's actually sound life advice -- that she used on Casey after she won our friends college football bowl pick 'em, and Case was making excuses (albeit legitimate ones):

excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure

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