More From the Ewok Era

Back in my Ewok days, I not only bore an eerie resemblance to the plump-faced, furry little creatures from Return of the Jedi. I also spoke English like one. Yes, my first four years of existence and the spoken English language were at odds with one another, as my attempts at verbal communication were really just a flowing cascade of blathering, inane nonsense. Either I was being lazy (probable), or somewhere in the back of my young, innocent mind I was already trying to frustrate those around me (more probable).

Either way, bless my dear sisters, who were my interpreters and communication medium to my parents. I imagine it's what negotiations at the UN are like. Let's compare the two scenarios:

UN Security Council, 2003
Colonel Qaddafi, dictator of Libya: (Arabic) اذا كانت الامم المتحدة يفرض مزيدا من العقوبات على ليبيا ، وسوف نستمر في تطوير اسلحتنا من برنامج اسلحة الدمار الشامل.
/Qaddafi looks to interpreter to translate/
Interpreter: Colonel Qaddafi says that if the UN imposes more sanctions on Libya, we will continue to develop our weapons of mass destruction program.
UN Envoy: The Security Council finds this unacceptable.

Dalton Household, 1985
Me: Mawm, i jwio weh3 hoh& goerre ehre?
/mom and dad look at Jen and Juli/
Jen or Juli: He says he wants green M&Ms.
Mom or Dad: Not until after he finishes his dinner.

Seriously, there are home videos where Pops will ask me an innocuous question like "And what did you get for Christmas, Josh?" -- mind you, this is a question he already knows the answer to -- and then I will spout some slurred combination of sounds that will be met by my father's befuddled, non-comprehending silence. You can almost HEAR his puzzled look and agape mouth from behind the camera, and his eyes looking pleadingly at my sisters to interpret his little boy's Ewok tongue. It's pretty classic.

End of story, according to Shigeko, is that one day when I was four I came upstairs and spoke flawless English. I guess with some it just takes time.

Anyway, Sara Boo shared something with me on Facebook that reminded me of this story:

Saw this and it reminded me of the story you told about your Christmas video where you didn't say any english words and spoke Joshese. Enjoy!

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Weekly Selects #17

A little long this week, but got some good content from friends. Thanks to the submitters. Enjoy:

-Via email from Taylor C:

My favorite is the guy in the middle, the guy furthest to the right, and the guy third from the right.

For me, picking a favorite was difficult. It's the same as deciding which Travolta movie from the last decade was the worst: It is subjective and completely impossible; they are all so bad.

In fairness, the US trainers should have been issued some clear and specific instructions on activities that would likely be too taxing on the recruits' amply impaired coordination. Something along the lines of:

1. Brushing teeth: ALLOWED, so long as recruits maintain a safe distance of 20 feet from others
   
2. Walking up/down stairs: ALLOWED UNDER TRAINER SUPERVISION ONLY
   
3. Tying shoes: ALLOWED, but waiver form must be signed first
   
4. Anything remotely resembling athletics and requiring corresponding skills: STRONGLY DISCOURAGED, injury to individual and anyone nearby HIGHLY LIKELY
   
5. Rubbing stomach and patting head, or vice versa: STRICTLY FORBIDDEN; trainees will experience aneurysm-induced full body convulsions, eyeballs will be liquefied, and teeth will shatter.

I mean, really. It's a simple list to put together.

-Via Google Reader share from Rijen, who, knowing my frustrations with the Swedes and their damn IKEA, sent me an article about Swedish-Israeli tensions, as Sweden issued a proposal calling for the EU to recognize East Jerusalem as the capital of a Palestinian state. The Israeli response?

"The peace process in the Middle East is not like IKEA furniture," one official said, making a reference to the do-it-yourself Swedish furniture chain. "It takes more than a screw and a hammer, it takes a true understanding of the constraints and sensitivities of both sides, and in that Sweden failed miserably."

Sure, the Israeli official is right that it's a sensitive issue, but his statement is off because HE doesn't have a true understanding of how difficult it is to assemble IKEA furniture (I do believe I'm operating on some meta-level of argument now). It takes the ability to decipher and understand cryptic drawings and translate them into actionable movements. Much harder than you give it credit for Mr. Israeli official, sir, so be careful with your comparisons.

(Unnecessary endnote: An interesting experiment would be to get the above Iraqi soldiers to assemble an IKEA chest-of-drawers. Did I just blow your mind?!? THAT. JUST. HAPPENED.)

-Via Gchat from the Boiler (from FAIL Blog, titled "EPIC DATE FAIL"):

you need to talk to some people
you can't let that stuff get out on the internet

I...I...have...no words...

But really, I watched Hancock yesterday and Hancock was an a-hole superhero who needed a PR guy to revamp his image. I think Japan needs that -- it is a technologically advanced democracy of intelligent individuals that continues to confound the world with its unparalleled "social weirdo"-to-"normal person" ratio (now easily at a strong 3-to-1) -- and I think I am the one to do it. First order of business: Re-instituting the use of the pillory in public spaces, and making an example of these two and the guy who married the video game character. Even Human Rights' groups would KNOW that I was justified.

-Via email from Rye, with the accompanying explanatory background from the originator:

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations.  The bad news is that I had to take him down after two days.  I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.  Two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn’t realize that the body was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy).  By the way, she was one of the many people who attempted to do that.  My yard couldn’t take it either.  I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.”

I don't know whether or not to applaud the man.

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Stand By Your Principles...Right?

Alright, people. I'm here to test your resolve.

I received a fairly universal response from readers regarding companies and their advertising: If they have crappy commercials, you should -- on principle -- ban their products. And the ban should be lifelong. No questions asked. Basically like when the UN slaps sanctions on North Korea for breaking international norms and doing some saber-rattling, only you guys would actually, you know, follow-through on your threats. Principled stands. Commendable.

You may or may not know that last year, the US Beef people hired Matthew Mcconaughey -- of perpetual shirtlessness and unbearable chick-flick fame -- to be their radio spokesperson. What you might not have known is that the ads are indescribably horrible. Check them out (The ads themselves are the only the audio -- others compiled the videos):

Find more videos like this on www.truveo.com.

Matthew McConaughey - Creepy Beef Spokesman - watch more funny videos

So, what say ye, meat-lovers? How principled are you? Are you going to give up beef, go vegetarian, and join up with PETA because these ads are so bad? I know I don't need to remind you that Mr. Mcconaughey did talk about taking your appetite on a romantic getaway and laying "side-by-side under sirloin skies." Ah, brings back fond memories of pillow-talk with my appetite.

Awaiting your responses.

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Why I Would Suck As a Diplomat

Remember that integrity thing I was talking about earlier? Why don't you just go ahead and toss mine out.


The other day I was talking with my sister Jen on the phone, doing some catching up. She told me she just got back from running 13 miles. An immediate alarm went off in my head.

JD: Wait, Jen. Are you--? **deep breath** ...Are you training for a marathon?

Jen: Yeah. I was thinking about running one at the end of February.

**Insert crotch-punched-feeling here**

See, for the past few years, I have slowly been getting boxed in on the Endurance Sports Front. Various family members and friends have -- unsuccessfully -- attempted to persuade me to run marathons or other distance races. I was always against long-distance running. All that self-discipline, goal-achieving, and sense of accomplishment was for snobs. Being the stubborn person that I am, the more people suggested I participate, the more I dug in my heels.

Jen was my last hope. Although Jen ran a half-marathon this year, I felt like she had yet to cross over to join my sister Juli and her husband Ben on the endurance sports side. Yes, 13.1 miles is more than I've ever run and is extremely admirable, but the operating word there was "half." She was still with me; not with them.

It all changed with that fateful phone call. With that conversation, I became the pariah of my family; I am the North Korea/Iran to my family's international community. I am isolated, becoming marginalized, and my family is tightening the grips on me. Am I being passively coerced into doing a marathon?

I'm afraid I might go against everything I've preached for the last few years and choose to run a marathon. Something tells me I would suck at the negotiating table in international politics -- I'd buckle before the other guy even said anything.

It's all politics.

As for everybody else that contributed to the pressure, you know who you are.

Folsom, CA -> Sacramento, CA. Bring it.


Endnote: My family has never tried to manipulate me into doing this -- This must be my competitive side kicking in.

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