Random Thoughts From My Last Nightshift

The hell of working nightshifts is coming to an end. As the immortal Geto Boys (wait, who now?) declared in incomparable verse: "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta'."

--Thanks to the fact that my best guy friend (JH) and best girl friend (FH) got married to each other,* I am going to be a godfather soon. That inexplicable, portentous feeling of doom that just overwhelmed you as you're reading that I will be a godfather? Perfectly normal. Don't worry, though. Besides my impeccable chopstick-holding technique and ability to break someone's clavicle in 126 different ways, I have nothing of real value/danger I can impart to the child.

*Unrelated sidenote and thought I revert back to more often than I should: JH is of German heritage; FH is of Italian heritage; I am of Japanese heritage. Any chance of us combining forces to lead an Axis reunion? Huh? Huh?? No? Fine.

--Stick three starving guys in a car for 20 minutes, and what is the inevitable outcome? An unofficial pact to buy a smoker. I think in my meat-craving zeal I may have promised to allocate $75 of my weekly budget to the Cause of buying meat, sauces, spices for rubs, etc. I can't really remember. All I remember is hearing keywords like "brisket" "bacon" and "ribs," my mind going blank like Bourne's does when he has one of his headaches/flashbacks, and next thing I know I've promised to fund an entire BBQ'ing enterprise.

--Seen these Australian walkabout commercials on TV? Is ANYbody else disturbed by this? I mean, I can't identify the exact point, but somewhere between the random, naked Australian child following a woman home, somehow getting into her apartment, and whispering creepily into her ear while she is sleeping, I get creeped out:



I can't make this anymore clear: Clowns paralyze me with fear. Creepy kids watching people while they sleep makes my skin crawl. Everytime I see this commercial I'm just waiting for the kid's head to spin all the way around, a la The Exorcist. klaxcj awhgoa=asdw awo2 48jhav

Sorry, I began shaking uncontrollably.

Read more...

Random Thoughts From Early Wednesday

--Apparently my feelings for the Disney movie Sword in the Stone run deeper than I ever suspected. Some friends and I were chatting movies the other night and SitS -- one of my absolute favorites -- came up. DJA said he didn't consider it to be a Disney "classic." Without hesitation, and much to my own surprise, I blurted out: "You bastard."

I'd apologize for the language, but it was a knee-jerk response; as natural and uncontrollable as the drooling of Pavlov's dogs or Charles Barkley's gambling. A Wizard's Duel, for heaven's sake! A Wizard's Duel! What more do you need to be considered a classic?

--In seeking feedback from BiL Ben on a previous "random thoughts" entry, Ben said the following quotable quote:

random thoughts are like pulling out little pieces of josh brain and putting them online. I can't change them. They are josh-brain.

--To all germaphobes and your ilk: Bite me. After a 12-hour shift I was brushing my teeth in our office kitchen, and one of yours immediately yelled at me for being "unsanitary" and asked me to leave, as if I'd committed some atrocity. (Admittedly, I could have brushed in the bathroom, but please explain to me how disinfecting my teeth creates a less sanitary environment.) Sheesh.

I raised the incident with sister Jen, and we of course launched into a joint and pathetically accurate recalling of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine rubs her germaphobe coworker's stapler in her armpit and keyboard on her butt... the recollection turned out to be useful in two ways: 1) it was therapeutic to laugh; 2) It gave me retaliatory options to consider. Thanks, Jen.

--To answer some questions raised by some readers:
Re: The "Tuts My Barreh" Video
Q: so would this guy be a laughing stock in Japan for that performance? or would he be on the verge of winning Japan Idol? --CT (Folsom, CA)
A: Funny, tough question. Funny because the idea of watching Asians sing American songs is wet-myself hilarious. Tough because I seriously just sat and stared at the computer screen for five minutes debating which scenario is more likely. I guess the questions to ask are: Would you tune in to watch the kid butcher American songs every week? and would you vote for him to stay on? (My personal responses: "absolutely" and "hell yes," respectively.)

Re: Running late at night by myself
Q: I wasn't altogether worried about the whole running alone thing (for you, not for me) until you brought up the gang thing. Seriously? --BD (Utah)
A: Seriously. Gangs are huge where I live -- supposedly. Let me tell you, though. Running six miles with an ankle-pistol gets uncomfortable.


Hope you enjoyed the pieces of Josh-brain.

Read more...

Random Thoughts From a 12-Hour Shift

--The more I think about it...and believe me, the more I think about it, the less I want to... Bundaberg, the Australian root beer that pulled a Matt Leinhart and essentially rode the pine as a non-competitor in the Root Beer Royal Rumble, was horrible. Absolutely horrible. I honestly think it's bottled kangaroo urine. So now I have three bottles of kangaroo pee chilling in my fridge that I don't want to toss because it was expensive. How pathetic is that?

Maybe this scenario bears a similarity to the bottling process? (No, I haven't the slightest clue as to the subtitle language):



A similar post-consumption facial tic (see 2:15) has presented itself in me, and has yet to go away.

--This is my notebook of thoughts:

She has endured a full year+ of sitting in the back-left pocket of my pants. If anybody in the future wants to recreate an accurate and precise die-cast replica of my left butt-cheek, this notebook will no doubt serve as the authoritative mold. It's no time-capsule (lame!), but just a little something for future generations.

--What with my weird work schedule and battle with insomnia, I run at strange hours. Worried people tell me not to run alone so late. And then ask if I have reflective clothing. Or a rape whistle. And if I have life insurance. And if they can be listed as the benefactor if anything happens to me.

But really, I don't have reflective clothing, and I'll tell you why: I live in gang-territory. I debated the merits of high visibility and decided that I'd rather be hit by a car than shot or beaten with a tire iron. That's just me, though.

--Get ready. Get ready. Get ready:

Read more...

Random Thoughts From Wednesday

--You ever have something produce an unintended result? Let me explain a bit. A few years back, TME and some other roommates and I went to watch Miracle, the story of the 1980 US Olympic hockey team that overcame "Amy Winehouse will never use drugs again" odds to beat a powerhouse Russian team. When the film was over and we were walking out of the theater, everyone was feeling positive, inspired, proud to be American, etc. TME? "Where're some Russians?? I want to hit one!" Probably not the intent of the movie.

Now that I think about it, this episode may have been the reason I subconsciously avoided watching Pearl Harbor with TME. That, and it's just not that good of a movie.

--Horribly bad timing of the week: For the birthday, my buddy Banker got me tickets to a Monster Truck show. And not just any tickets. Backstage passes to get up-close and personal with the trucks AND the drivers. Problem: I had to WORK that Saturday. I haven't been this mad at myself since I watched Battlefield Earth. Banker did keep me updated with periodic texts ("ps: This is ridiculous") and pictures/videos:

Oh, the "what ifs"...

Read more...

Random Thoughts From the Running World

--Injured my knee a couple of weeks ago, and when I listed the symptoms to Ben M.D. to get a diagnosis, all he could give me was "Hmm...I have no idea. Sounds like 'asian knee.' " Which was initially unhelpful -- both for its racism and its Michael Scott-esque "I just made this up on the spot because I have no real answer"-type feel -- but then actually served as an amusing way to confuse people when they asked about the injury.

"Oh, the doctor told me I have some slight asian knee. I just need to take it easy for a few weeks."

Try it sometime. Tell someone you have "caucasian ear" or "african heel." The confused "I need to look that up on Wikipedia on my iPhone as soon as this conversation is over" eyes/feigned understanding of what you just said (either one) is absolutely priceless.

--A playlist for the iPod is essential to my completion of any run. I discovered early on that the best running songs involve some sort of hand-clapping because they help me keep rhythm and bring a smile to my face for some reason. If you happen to notice a man clapping his gloved hands, bobbing his head, and grinning like an idiot while running the trails/streets of northern VA, chances are it's me.

Here's one of my favorites, from an amazing Nike commercial:



--I picked the wrong damn time of the year to start running.

Read more...

Random Thoughts From Thursday

--I watched The Forbidden Kingdom yesterday, with an admittedly unrealistic hope: That it would be the martial arts equivalent to Heat. See, Heat brought together, for the first time, two powerhouse acting legends: Pacino and De Niro. It is one of the best movies I've seen. Kingdom features Jet Li and Jackie Chan, two powerhouse martial artists, and so I hoped--

Aside from being visually gripping at times, I was underwhelmed by Kingdom.

--Re: The 12 Jan PotW and D&D/Medieval/Anime-Manga people, WJ Gchatted this to me:

WJ: We need to find some of those people and dissect their brains

Knowing him, WJ meant this in the the most non-violent way possible. Being a future MD, he simply wants to understand which part of the brain serves as the motivational center for completely withdrawing from/severing ties with reality. It's simple scientific curiosity. Checking the Manga aisle in the nearest Barnes & Noble will surely yield some potential candidates.

--There's a sign in my work bathroom that lists five things users should do. #2 reads: "Flush the toilet after use." Is it more disturbing that this needs to be stated explicitly on a list of instructions in an adult bathroom, or that it is not #1?

Read more...