Weekly Selects #32

Was busy yesterday watching movie plot hole after movie plot hole unfold as undeveloped characters delivered cliched dialogue in a special effects extravaganza; and yet still found myself entertained. Thanks, Clash of the Titans. So here we go a day late with some DC, and I apologize to any readers who are not able to see embedded YouTube clips, as I received a lot of these this past week. Let's do this:

-Via Gchat from Banker:

something for your blog?

Um, yes, please, and THANK YOU. These are all great, but I honestly think Arnold was best in Pumping Iron, mostly because it was a documentary (the key: NO ACTING REQUIRED) and you just got to watch Arnold brag about himself in all of his bulging, symmetrical, Adonis-like physical perfection. In college we called the Blockbuster (back when Netflix hadn't rendered "video stores" obsolete) to ask if they had it:

Us: Hi, do you have Pumping Iron?
Blockbuster Dude: Um. Let me check The movie from 1977?
Us: Yes. That's the one.
Blockbuster Dude: Yes, we have it.
Us: Okay. We'll come get it right now. Actually, could you hold on to it for us? Just to make sure no one grabs it?
Blockbuster Dude: ...Uh, I don't think that's going to be a problem. But sure.

-Via Google Reader share, some selected analogies and metaphors found in high school students' essays. Aspiring writers, TAKE NOTES:

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef

There are just too many good ones here. If you are/know a K-12 teacher, please keep record of these. These are priceless, if not humiliating later in life for the children.

-Via Google Reader share, the best custom pizza I've ever seen:

"I be tossin' and flossin', my style is awesome."

-Via Email from Kate:

I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry

My personal favorite is the sister in the middle seat. The disdainful look of utter disapproval at her parents' insensitivity, coupled with the folded arms, is amazing. If I ever get a look like that from my future daughter I'll probably curl up in a ball and never speak again.

PS I need to kidnap an Asian child.

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OPINION: These Online Dating Services Are A Scam

These Online Dating Services Are A Scam
by Eldon Charles
Convicted Serial Killer

What a crock.

eHarmony.com. Match.com. Meet-an-inmate.com. All of these online dating services are scams designed to get you to invest your money and time into a process that returns no rewards. They prey on the emotionally vulnerable.

See, my life in Ionia Maximum Security Prison, Michigan, is one of mind-numbing repetition and monotony. A goldfish experiences more variety than I do. I spend 23 hours a day in a Hannibal Lecterian restraint mask and straight jacket; the other hour is spent tormenting brilliant but vulnerable FBI agents who are trying to find serial killers a la Silence of the Lambs. Kidding. Just some prison humor for you there. I actually spend my "free hour" in a roofless cement cell, gazing at the clouds, wishing it was night so that I could see the stars.

Anyway, all of that alone time lends itself toward serious introspection and reflection on what's important in life. Education. Freedom. A committed relationship with another person.

So when I heard about meet-an-inmate.com -- the website where "lonely attractive inmates in the USA seek penpals" -- I felt a glimmer of hope, that maybe...just maybe...I might find that special someone with whom I could spend the rest of my life with (after I fulfill my debt to society by serving my four consecutive life terms). Little did I know that my hope would be crushed. Crushed like it was when Stephanie Mason rejected me for senior prom. Or like the skulls of my 5th, 9th, and 13th victims. Whichever comparison you prefer.

Look, I may have killed 23 people in cold blood between 2002-2008, and the judge who handed down my prison sentence may have characterized me as an "unfeeling, ruthless sociopath" who is "incapable of feeling anything remotely resembling empathy for another human being," but that judge was wrong. I'm just like any other person. I get lonely. My family is no longer with me -- my brother died in 2000 (car accident); my mother in 1998 (stroke); my father in 2004 (my own hands) -- so aside from the usual, inane inmate chatter, I don't have a lot of people with whom I can have a serious talk with.

Meet-an-inmate offered that possibility. Finally, someone to have a real, heartfelt conversation with! So I registered six weeks ago. Posted my picture and filled out my profile and everything. The result? I haven't heard anything from anybody. Not a single thing.

My psychologist told me once that I tended to set expectations too high for newly forming relationships, or relationships that I just imagined in my head that had no basis in reality. He said that this led to debilitating disappointment when those expectations weren't met. Now, 5 years later, I'm starting to realize that maybe Dr. Collins was right. Maybe my expectations were too high. And maybe I shouldn't have killed him. Oops.

But that's not the point. The point is this: Is it too much to expect to have just one penpal? Does being the called "one of the worst serial killers in American history" automatically disqualify me as "dateable" material? If that's the case, America is in a sad state of affairs. Is it my profile picture?  Look -- I'm no Brad Pitt, but that mask makes me look at least 30 lbs heavier. And balder. I'd take it off but the last time they let me take it off for a picture, I tried to bite the photographer's neck, so the mask has to stay on. I frankly don't understand why I can't be accepted and loved for who I am -- what happened to tolerance?

I even heard rumors that a few guys like Andy (kidnapping 2nd degree with a firearm; 3-15 years) and Marley (armed robbery with a deadly weapon; 5-10 years) already have penpals off of that stupid website. WHAT IS THAT?!?! Newsflash, people: Andy and Marley are UGLY! And boring! What do those two have that I don't, besides the possibility of living outside of this prison again? What makes those two more appealing than me? It makes no sense.

A scam, I tell you. When I get out of here, I'm suing that website for false advertising.

Shame on you for making me hope, meet-an-inmate. Shame on you.

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NOT David vs. Goliath

Can we please stop calling the Duke v. Butler championship game "David vs. Goliath," just because the casual basketball fan hasn't heard of Butler? There's a reason Butler got a 5-seed in the tourney and won 33 games this season: They're good, and have been for years.

But, as the media is unwaveringly cliched and uncreative, they have resorted to the ol' David vs. Goliath comparison. Duke can still be Goliath -- that's an apt enough comparison -- but can Butler be some other physically large, though more obscure, figure?

JMill suggested Andre the Giant. Done. Insert any pro wrestler of your choice, really. And while "Andre the Giant vs. Goliath" doesn't quite roll off the tongue like David vs. Goliath does, at least it's more accurate.

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The Fab Five -- Photo of the Week 5 April 2010

For all you who will be watching the Championship tonight, this Sports Illustrated photo from 2007 should help you get prepped for the occasion.

Probably the greatest billboard. Ever. If only C Webb hadn't called that timeout that didn't exist.


Happy Monday! Come back tomorrow for RoSA's first Opinion post.

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Weekly Selects #31

some older ones i've been meaning to get to, and some new ones...

-Via Email from Saree, from Awkward Family Photos:

you must, must, must click on this link

 I only have two questions regarding the Bacon Brothers:
1) Are those vests textured?
2) Do we have a grill large enough to slap all three of the brothers on and get some breakfast going?

-Via IM from Josh M, with some high points during the first minute and around the 4:23- and the 5:00-marks:

More gems

It's like The Star Wars Kid, but in this case the kid actually knows he's being taped AND that it's going to go on the internet.

If you have the time, the whole thing is as watchable as a Barry Sanders highlight reel -- you know, if Sanders were an uncoordinated, mulleted marshmallow of a man aspiring to swordsmanship prowess, all while wearing a sweatsuit with cliched Asian logos on it.

The "DRAGON TWISTER" at 5:04 is a study in kinetic grace and beauty, like the Moscow Ballet (is that a real thing?) but I'm more interested in the origins of the name...The Kentucky Fried Chickens in Japan had a wrap called the Dragon Twister... and the kid has a nice little gut going, indicating overeating of something. Possible connection?

-Via Google Reader share, a New York Post article from the writer of the Battlefield Earth script, apologizing for writing the worst movie story ever. My favorite excerpt:

[Travolta] said again how much he loved the script and called it "The Schindler's List of sci-fi"

I make horribly outlandish and hyperbolized comparisons. But that was the worst I've ever heard of/thought of/imagined thinking of.

Well, I've been waiting for a decade for justice to be served, for some sort of atonement to be made for this awful excuse for a movie. Is an apology in a newspaper enough? Probably not. But it's a start.

-Via Email from Midge, a final video:

stupid, but fitting for a thursday morning

I'm a very active sleeper. Blankets and such usually end up on the floor, and I've been known to jump off a 2nd-level bunkbed before, but running into a wall headfirst is still on the to-do list.

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