Weekly Selects #20

Hope you had a Merry Christmas. Digital Correspondence for the past week:


-Via Email from Banker (this article):

God does exist and he may be partial to the Japanese...

Out of all the western-originated products to improve on...

The Japanese print is hard to make out, but the developer lists three inadequacies that typical sleeping bags have: (1) If there are things you need, you can't get them without leaving the sleeping bag; (2) If you're ever attacked by a bear, you can't get up and run; and I can't make out the third reason. But I'm sure it's equally as humorous.

This is basically a warmer version of a straight jacket, as the use of arms is nonexistent. Some Q&A I had with the developer:
Q: What if I want to walk down a flight of stairs in this sleeping bag?
A: You're screwed. You will have no arms to prevent you from tumbling to (at least) three broken ribs and a concussion.

Q: What if I get into a brou-haha with my campsite neighbors, and they surround me and decide to start hitting me with bamboo sticks? What can I do?
A: Again: Screwed. You will be like the Black Knight on Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Hilarious movie! Especially those French taunters. Oh man, where they start launching the cows over the castle wal--
Q: /rolling eyes and resisting urge to cock back fist/ Stay on track, sir.
A: Oh yes. Sorry. Essentially, you will be defenseless -- I would at least make an effort to cover your face. Don't worry, though. Welts and lacerations go away. Eventually.

Q: What if all my friends with Snuggies are playing basketball or baseball or something? Will I be able to participate.
A: All I have to say is, I hope you like a faceful of ball. If you didn't realize, you will have the hands of snake while wearing this sleeping bag.

Q: Does the sleeping bag at least come in leopard print? Zebra print?
A: No. We believe in keeping humiliation simple.
 
And there you have it.
 
-Via Email from Sara S:
 


-Via TXT from AM, who parked her car at my house while she went home for Christmas and returned while I was still in TX:

I think someone syphoned out my gas

It's interesting. I moved to a new place which is supposed to be safer than my old neighborhood (alleged "gang territory"), but in two years at the old place, I never had a problem. In the last few weeks, idiots have punched out Josh M's car window and stolen his GPS (the bastards), and they have siphoned the gas out of AM's car (sons of bastards).

Well, Gas Siphoner, I hope your circumstances were extenuating enough to warrant stealing fuel, as in you needed to drive your great-aunt and her broken hip to the emergency room in the middle of the night, or the apocalypse happened and you needed gas for your generator. If it was for something else -- say, to satisfy your pot smoking-induced "munchies" craving with a 2AM Taco Bell run -- I pray you have contracted immobilizing food poisoning from your Super Nachos Grande, and have been tasting the foul cocktail of nacho-vomit, stomach acid, and unleaded 87 for the past half-week. Also to complete the karmic cycle, I hope you find yourself stranded in the middle of the Nevada desert one day, fuelless, and walking in 120 degree weather for countless miles to a gas station. Happy New Year to you.

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My Niece -- The Nascent Terrorist

Is it cause for concern when my 3-year old niece makes her grandmother start talking like Dick Cheney? "Don't give into her demands. Then she wins." I suppose if Shigeko starts talking about launching some sort of preemptive strike against her in order to protect "vital interests" and "American lives," or my niece starts growing a beard and I find her cleaning parts to an AK-47 -- then I'll start worrying about things.

For now, I think I will continue chuckling about how cute she is, even when she's a little assertive.

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Star Wars Status Updates -- Photo of the Week 28 Dec 09

I'm on vacation, so count yourself lucky: I am kifing something from collegehumor.com. Here's just one of them, but there are more at the hyperlink. Enjoy:

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Weekly Selects #19

It is an Asian-oriented (I'm HILARIOUS) week of digital correspondence. Let's get to it:


-Via Facebook from Chunk:

Thought you might appreciate this. Gets worth watching at about 3 min in.

And appreciate it I did. Like with bacon, I never tire of Engrish -- but toss in some extra ingredients like an attractive girl and a dude using memorized, elementary school-taught English phrases in an attempt to seduce said girl, and you've got yourself a tasty breakfast sandwich of hilarious futility.

-Via Email from White Josh:

funny Japanese stuff

20 bucks says that one of these competitors suffered a Greg Oden-like knee injury. Have you ever tried to kick something and then it wasn't there? Painful.

But in complete seriousness, leave it to the Japanese to revolutionize things. Mark my words: This invention will be the Gutenberg of fringe sports. Think about it. Insert your fringe sport of choice after Binocular. Binocular Roller Derby: Tattoed, aggressive women rolling along with wheels on their feet -- and no depth perception. Binocular Bobsled: Dudes crammed into an unprotected sled flying at hundreds of miles per hour. Oh, and they have binoculars strapped to their eyes. Binocular Monster Truck Rally: The ensuing mayhem would be a mess of beer cans and mullets, but I would watch -- and you know you would, too.

-Via TXT from 'Manders:

Today i walked through Wal-Mart with an arm load of granny panties...havent done that in a while.

I could be forthcoming by telling you that Amanda was doing something charitable for the needy during the Christmas season, but I'd rather let you and your imagination have a heyday trying to explain this completely OUT OF THE BLUE text. My initial thoughts were confused. Very confused. As in staring-blankly-at-my-phone-for-10-seconds-straight confused. But I hope someone who saw you snapped a photo, and you are now up on peopleofwalmart.com, Amanda.

-Via Email from the Frizzle:

My brother Bryan was opening his fortune cookie from the Chinese place in town...and it said: Digital circuits are made from analog parts.

Fortune cookies used to be basic, like "You will be rich," "You will find happiness," or "The drunk clown is coming for you when the clock strikes midnight." If I want the universe's ironies and paradoxes pointed out to me, I'm going to listen to Alanis Morissette watch Jon Stewart, son. China, just get back to the fundamentals of fortune cookie-ing.

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The One Where the World Ended -- Photo of the Week 21 Dec 09

Sorry on the delay for PotW. I was too busy having my senses and mind blown away by Avatar 3-D.

You've all heard of the snowstorm that buried the DC Metropolitan area, no doubt. 20 inches of snow is impressive.

Winter Wonderland? For most, probably. But Josh M was trying to leave the area Friday night to go snowboarding and he described the scene that greeted him on the roadways as being "like the end of the world." I asked him if he saw John Cusack flying a small plane. He said no, but cars were strewn all along the sides of the road, driverless. Low visibility. Oh, and this:

Other accounts from friends described grocery stores as picked completely clean of all milk, eggs, and bread (apparently french toast is the choice of the snowed-ins); gas stations with no regular unleaded left. Because that's how we roll in the nation's capitol and its adjacent suburbs: Panicked, overreactive, and expecting the worst.


Happy short week, everyone.

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