Just When it Can't Get Any Worse...

The internet is a timewaster's paradise, but I think it has reached an all-time low (on top of the pornography and spammers). We had Nic Cage as Everyone -- now, I give you Selleck Waterfall Sandwich:

The title of the blog and the criteria for submitting pictures is pretty self-explanatory, once you get past the randomness of the three items: A sandwich, a waterfall, and Tom Selleck. Like I said. The internet has reached rock-bottom.

Anyone who had anything to do with the development of the internet just collectively rolled over in their graves. And anybody who is still alive that helped in the development of the internet just experienced an aneurysm and then rolled over in their graves. Al Gore included.

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Oh, the Dichotomies of Youth

So I was in the Post Office, waiting to mail a Disney Snow Globe to my niece. Nothing out of the ordinary.

The lady standing next to me in line wanted to chat about the "cute Disney gift" I was packaging up.

Lady: "I have an 18-year old daughter who still loves Disney princesses."

Me: "Never too old, I guess, right?"

Lady: "Haha. Yeah, half of her room is covered in Disney. The other half is Hooters and Playgirl stuff. Haha!"

...
Me: *internal* What is the proper response to this? "Uh...Never too young, right...?"
Me: *out loud* ...............
Lady: "Yeah for her birthday party at Hooters, she had Disney Princess balloons on her chair. Isn't that funny?"

Hilarious. Disturbingly so.

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Weekly Selects #24

another week, another set of digital correspondence...

-Via Gchat from AM:

venus williams is retarded

photo by AFP/Getty Images

Skin-colored underwear while playing tennis in a short skirt? THE WORLD DOES NOT POSSESS ENOUGH EYE BLEACH.

-Via Email from Sister Jen and the Frizzle, who sent an article about eye-detection software on digital cameras that is supposed to detect when people blink in photos. Apparently, the software is mistakenly claiming that Asians are blinking when in actuality they are not. An upset Asian customer said:

"No, I did not blink... I'm just Asian!"

Well, I'm going to start getting upset only when calculators with eye-detection software start saying "You look like you should be good at math and shouldn't need to use me. Shutting down."


-Via Google Reader from Rijen, an article titled "Prison Maintains Ban on Dungeons & Dragons." An excerpt that explains why it was banned:

officials at Wisconsin Waupun prison feel that D&D "promoted gang-related activity and was a threat to security."

The prisoner's grounds for appealing in the first place?

[the ban] "violated his free speech and due process rights."

Well, the ACLU will come sweeping in to save the day, I'm sure...and by save the day I mean be stupid and actually take up a lawsuit. I personally feel that this prison is doing this man a great service. Part of the prison system's job is help prepare inmates to reintegrate into normal society, nothing would facilitate this more than removing D&D from his life.

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Movie Pitch for James Cameron

Based on his success, and his movie-making tendencies, I thought I had the perfect movie pitch James Cameron. Here's how it went.

******

JD: Mr. Cameron, thanks for sitting down with me. I know with the astonishing success of Avatar, you must be busy.
Cameron: /gives me dead-fish handshake/ Please, call me James. I'm told it makes me more...um... personable.
JD: Sure, James. Have a seat.
Cameron: /chuckles while sitting/ It's funny you mention Avatar. Right now it's the second highest grossing movie of all time, likely to be first. Do you know what number one is?
JD: I've got a good guess that it's--
Cameron: It's Titanic!
JD: And I believe--
Cameron: /pointing thumbs at self/ Yes! And I directed it! Wasn't it amazing?
JD: I, uh... /clearing throat and shifting weight in chair/ I actually wrote about how much I hated it, even though I've never seen it.
Cameron: Hate?? How could you hate it? It made so much money. That means it's GOOD.
JD: I'll attribute it to this thing I have for hating things that suck, but let's not get into it. I'm actually glad you bring up Titanic, though, as the movie idea I have for you is related.
Cameron: /leans forward/ Talk to me.
JD: Did you just say 'talk to me'? Do people actually say that in Hollywood?
Cameron: No...I just heard it in a movie. Thought it would be cool.
JD: ...Alright. Anyway, what are the major complaints that people have about Titanic?
Cameron: They have them?
JD: /sigh/ Yes, James. People think it was too long... took forever for that stupid boat to sink. What if I told you you could capture the disaster of Titanic, but in 20-30 minutes?
Cameron: Talk to m--  *ahem* I mean, yeah, I would be interested.
JD: It'll be called Hindenburg. Remember the zeppelin that went down in Germany in 1937? Another large-scale disaster movie, but here are the bonuses: More special effects than Titanic, and it's super short. You know what that means, right?
Cameron: No.
JD: It means good news for you, because no dealing with character development, or dialogue. Don't you see? These are just obstacles to amazing people with your special effects.
Cameron: Actually, now that you mention it -- /leans in slowly/ -- can I tell you something?
JD: Sure.
Cameron: /looks cautiously over each shoulder, leans even closer, then whispers/ I don't understand this demand for character development. And dialogue? What is that?
JD: Well, uh...that's usually considered two people interacting to, uh...develop their characters...
Cameron: /leans back in chair, exasperated/ See. That's what I don't get. I don't get human interaction, or people. And they don't get me, know what I mean? Not the way special effects do, anyway. See, special effects get me -- they don't harass me about taking out the garbage, or wanting me to listen to them cry about....
JD: I hate to interrupt your reverie, James, but you see why Hindenburg would be perfect for you? The passengers go up in the blimp, some poor bastard can even exclaim "I'm king of the world!" Then BOOM. Big explosions. "OH THE HUMANITY!" The end. 
Cameron: Can the explosion last for at least half of the movie?
JD: Sure, James. Sure.
Cameron: And it's guaranteed to make a lot of money, right?

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Random Sticker in Buffalo -- Photo of the Week 25 Jan 2010

AM and I went and visited White Josh and the Frizzle up in Buffalo over MLK weekend. Why go to Buffalo in the winter? I respond with another question: When an unbelievable cold front blankets the east coast for two consecutive weeks, what difference does it make if you go a little further north?

Anyway, we were strolling the streets of Buffalo when I spotted this sticker on a postal box. While it's not my favorite insult, I had to take a picture:

And then of course I was compelled to find out who Eric Corff is, and whether he was framed like Andy from Shawshank Redemption, or if he really is what this sticker proclaims him to be. I'm all about a good smear campaign, but it should at least be semi-justified.

Turns out I found a guy who has a pretty funny blog entry with some info about Mr. Corff. He writes from Telluride, CO, where apparently this campaign of hilarious spite was born. I quote:

"Eric moved to Telluride a couple years ago from New York, and no doubt a Yankee's fan. Apparently he decided it would be in his best interests to pursue his best friend's fiance. From what I understand the fiance was receptive to Mr. Corff's advances which lead to his bad name all over our small town."

And a Youtube clip from a bar in Alabama:




Any Eric Corff stickers sightings out there, RoSA readers?


Monday Monday Monday...

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