Weekly Selects #12

There is much this week that left me speechless. Thanks to all for keeping me entertained throughout with digital correspondence. Alright, let's do this:

-Via Gchat from Banker, in the spirit of the Halloween season (from here):

Wow. That pumpkin must have been coming off of a 'roids cycle and got his dual decapitating/skinning RAGE ON. I have no words. 

-Via Email from JMill, whose coworkers are growing mustaches for cancer, and sending around pictures of ones that they randomly find on the internet. This one is UNbelievable:

Mike M, one of the most well-spoken individuals I know, could only muster the following in reply to the email:

Sweet Mercy... words cannot express...

Quite frankly, words failed me as well. Much like we experience the loss of fine motor skills when encountering a shock or trauma, my higher thinking and reasoning also came to a screeching halt upon seeing this photo. But while my verbal capacities may have had a temporary Expression FAIL at the horrifying sight of someone who has grown a continuous strand of hair from his upper lip down to AND around his nipples, my basic instincts still knew what to do when confronted with something grotesque: conjure up a strong and uncontrollable urge to vomit.

And not just in a "threw up a bit in my mouth" sense -- it was more in the I JUST TRIED TO DRINK A GALLON OF MILK PLEASE HOLD MY HAIR BACK WHILST I SHARE FACETIME WITH THE TOILET FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT sort of sense.

Or, if you are more of a visual learner:



You get the gist.

-Via Google Reader, I found an article and amazing video clip about "The Today Show." But first, I want to remind you of something. Remember this side-by-side picture of my 3-year old self?

What's the connection, you're wondering? Well, "The Today Show" did its annual Halloween segment and they hired a few people to dress up in Ewok costumes. According to the author of the article, a friend who works for the show said this:

“For what it’s worth, a friend who works at the Today Show confirms that they were both midgets and drunk.”

The clip is well-worth the watch if you have the time. But here's my question: Where were auditions for this segment 20 years ago? I could have been a DRUNK EWOK:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
 

-Via Email from Saree; I will provide the headline and leading paragraph of the article:

Bear Kills Militants in Kashmir
A Bear killed militants after discovering them in its den in Indian-administered Kashmir, police say.

Chalk one up for Jack Bauer's CTU. As soon as I finished reading the article, I started visualizing how it went down for the two victims, Qaiser and Saifullah:

(Nighttime. Qaiser and Saifullah, exhausted, approach a cave in the darkness)
Q: Saifullah, this will be our refuge tonight.
S: Are you sure, Qaiser? There are bones everywhere. I do not trust it.
Q: It is fine. Keep your AK-47 ready.
(The two sit down, backs to the mouth of the cave. It is silent for a few minutes. Crickets chirp outside)
Q: Saifullah, is your beard darker, or is it darkness?
S: *chuckles* I actually started using some of the westerners facial hair product "Just For Men" to remove the white from my beard. My wife says it makes me more appealing.
Q: I do not need such western abomination fakeness to impress women. Women say I am handsome; that I look like the Iraqi Sayid on the American show 'LOST.'
S: I hate that show. They only leave questions unanswered. What is the black smoke? Where did the white bears come from? And why don't Jack and Kate just get together?
Q: Bah. Jack and Kate? Sawyer is much better for Kate. It is obvious. And they're called "polar" bears. Guess what I found out, though? I was on the internets and found out that Sayid is not even Iraqi. He is of Indian descent!

S: Disgusting. I can no longer like him.
(Twigs snap in the forest outside of the cave. Some growling is heard)
S: *fearful look on his face* Qaiser! Did you hear that? I think something is outside.
Q: *stroking his beard* Nonsense.
S: I am of seriousness, Qaiser!
Q: *chuckling derisively* You worry too much.  Do you think there are polar bears outside? Like in 'LOST'?? AHAHAHA. I laugh at your foolishness, Saifullah.

(900-lb bear bursts in, commences mauling and bone-crunching of Saifullah and Qaiser. Roll credits)