Weekly Selects #20

Hope you had a Merry Christmas. Digital Correspondence for the past week:


-Via Email from Banker (this article):

God does exist and he may be partial to the Japanese...

Out of all the western-originated products to improve on...

The Japanese print is hard to make out, but the developer lists three inadequacies that typical sleeping bags have: (1) If there are things you need, you can't get them without leaving the sleeping bag; (2) If you're ever attacked by a bear, you can't get up and run; and I can't make out the third reason. But I'm sure it's equally as humorous.

This is basically a warmer version of a straight jacket, as the use of arms is nonexistent. Some Q&A I had with the developer:
Q: What if I want to walk down a flight of stairs in this sleeping bag?
A: You're screwed. You will have no arms to prevent you from tumbling to (at least) three broken ribs and a concussion.

Q: What if I get into a brou-haha with my campsite neighbors, and they surround me and decide to start hitting me with bamboo sticks? What can I do?
A: Again: Screwed. You will be like the Black Knight on Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Hilarious movie! Especially those French taunters. Oh man, where they start launching the cows over the castle wal--
Q: /rolling eyes and resisting urge to cock back fist/ Stay on track, sir.
A: Oh yes. Sorry. Essentially, you will be defenseless -- I would at least make an effort to cover your face. Don't worry, though. Welts and lacerations go away. Eventually.

Q: What if all my friends with Snuggies are playing basketball or baseball or something? Will I be able to participate.
A: All I have to say is, I hope you like a faceful of ball. If you didn't realize, you will have the hands of snake while wearing this sleeping bag.

Q: Does the sleeping bag at least come in leopard print? Zebra print?
A: No. We believe in keeping humiliation simple.
 
And there you have it.
 
-Via Email from Sara S:
 


-Via TXT from AM, who parked her car at my house while she went home for Christmas and returned while I was still in TX:

I think someone syphoned out my gas

It's interesting. I moved to a new place which is supposed to be safer than my old neighborhood (alleged "gang territory"), but in two years at the old place, I never had a problem. In the last few weeks, idiots have punched out Josh M's car window and stolen his GPS (the bastards), and they have siphoned the gas out of AM's car (sons of bastards).

Well, Gas Siphoner, I hope your circumstances were extenuating enough to warrant stealing fuel, as in you needed to drive your great-aunt and her broken hip to the emergency room in the middle of the night, or the apocalypse happened and you needed gas for your generator. If it was for something else -- say, to satisfy your pot smoking-induced "munchies" craving with a 2AM Taco Bell run -- I pray you have contracted immobilizing food poisoning from your Super Nachos Grande, and have been tasting the foul cocktail of nacho-vomit, stomach acid, and unleaded 87 for the past half-week. Also to complete the karmic cycle, I hope you find yourself stranded in the middle of the Nevada desert one day, fuelless, and walking in 120 degree weather for countless miles to a gas station. Happy New Year to you.

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My Niece -- The Nascent Terrorist

Is it cause for concern when my 3-year old niece makes her grandmother start talking like Dick Cheney? "Don't give into her demands. Then she wins." I suppose if Shigeko starts talking about launching some sort of preemptive strike against her in order to protect "vital interests" and "American lives," or my niece starts growing a beard and I find her cleaning parts to an AK-47 -- then I'll start worrying about things.

For now, I think I will continue chuckling about how cute she is, even when she's a little assertive.

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Star Wars Status Updates -- Photo of the Week 28 Dec 09

I'm on vacation, so count yourself lucky: I am kifing something from collegehumor.com. Here's just one of them, but there are more at the hyperlink. Enjoy:

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Weekly Selects #19

It is an Asian-oriented (I'm HILARIOUS) week of digital correspondence. Let's get to it:


-Via Facebook from Chunk:

Thought you might appreciate this. Gets worth watching at about 3 min in.

And appreciate it I did. Like with bacon, I never tire of Engrish -- but toss in some extra ingredients like an attractive girl and a dude using memorized, elementary school-taught English phrases in an attempt to seduce said girl, and you've got yourself a tasty breakfast sandwich of hilarious futility.

-Via Email from White Josh:

funny Japanese stuff

20 bucks says that one of these competitors suffered a Greg Oden-like knee injury. Have you ever tried to kick something and then it wasn't there? Painful.

But in complete seriousness, leave it to the Japanese to revolutionize things. Mark my words: This invention will be the Gutenberg of fringe sports. Think about it. Insert your fringe sport of choice after Binocular. Binocular Roller Derby: Tattoed, aggressive women rolling along with wheels on their feet -- and no depth perception. Binocular Bobsled: Dudes crammed into an unprotected sled flying at hundreds of miles per hour. Oh, and they have binoculars strapped to their eyes. Binocular Monster Truck Rally: The ensuing mayhem would be a mess of beer cans and mullets, but I would watch -- and you know you would, too.

-Via TXT from 'Manders:

Today i walked through Wal-Mart with an arm load of granny panties...havent done that in a while.

I could be forthcoming by telling you that Amanda was doing something charitable for the needy during the Christmas season, but I'd rather let you and your imagination have a heyday trying to explain this completely OUT OF THE BLUE text. My initial thoughts were confused. Very confused. As in staring-blankly-at-my-phone-for-10-seconds-straight confused. But I hope someone who saw you snapped a photo, and you are now up on peopleofwalmart.com, Amanda.

-Via Email from the Frizzle:

My brother Bryan was opening his fortune cookie from the Chinese place in town...and it said: Digital circuits are made from analog parts.

Fortune cookies used to be basic, like "You will be rich," "You will find happiness," or "The drunk clown is coming for you when the clock strikes midnight." If I want the universe's ironies and paradoxes pointed out to me, I'm going to listen to Alanis Morissette watch Jon Stewart, son. China, just get back to the fundamentals of fortune cookie-ing.

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The One Where the World Ended -- Photo of the Week 21 Dec 09

Sorry on the delay for PotW. I was too busy having my senses and mind blown away by Avatar 3-D.

You've all heard of the snowstorm that buried the DC Metropolitan area, no doubt. 20 inches of snow is impressive.

Winter Wonderland? For most, probably. But Josh M was trying to leave the area Friday night to go snowboarding and he described the scene that greeted him on the roadways as being "like the end of the world." I asked him if he saw John Cusack flying a small plane. He said no, but cars were strewn all along the sides of the road, driverless. Low visibility. Oh, and this:

Other accounts from friends described grocery stores as picked completely clean of all milk, eggs, and bread (apparently french toast is the choice of the snowed-ins); gas stations with no regular unleaded left. Because that's how we roll in the nation's capitol and its adjacent suburbs: Panicked, overreactive, and expecting the worst.


Happy short week, everyone.

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Weekly Selects #18

-Via TXT from Josh M:

This dude next to me at the bank just withdrew a hundred ones no joke

Uh, well, let's see...you can buy tons of different things for $100, so I'm not judging -- but the possible list of purchases that require 100 separate one-dollar bills is pretty short. So now I'm judging.

-Via IM from White Josh, completely out of the blue:

have you ever been sitting down somwhere and had to ask yourself if you are wearing any underwear? Just had a drafty moment and had to think about getting dressed this morning

Uh, maybe? I have had mornings where I get so little sleep I accidentally put my facewash in my hair and my shampoo in my washcloth, but I'm pretty sure I have not left the house without underwear.


-Via Email from my sister Jen, who actually sent this years ago, but 'tis the Christmas season:



Unfortunately, listening to this has become an annual holiday tradition for me.

I would like to enlist this man to sing a few hand-picked classics, such as: Any Mariah Carey song, just for more kicks and giggles; "The Star-Spangled Banner," because let's be honest, it's time to replace Carl Lewis's straight murdering of the national anthem with a newer rendition, and he would do Mr. Key proud, I'm sure; and last but not least, "Nuthin' But a G Thang." Why Snoop and Dre, you ask? Because the song is generationally-defining, son, and I want to see if this dude's rhythm is as impressive as both his vocal range and command of pitch when he delivers lyrics like "Fallin' back on that ass with a hellified gangsta' lean / Gettin' funky on the mic like a' old batch o' collard greens."

Instant classics. All of them.

Let's end on a good holiday note, shall we?

-Via Facebook from sister Juju, about her daughter, Elise:

I found Elise this morning in front of the Christmas tree. She'd pulled a chair right up to it and was just staring at it and when she saw me said, "Isn't it so beautiful?"

Ah. That's the Christmas season I know and love. And I love my nieces and nephew, because they always help me relive a little bit of childhood.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, all.

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Redneck Santa -- Photo of the Week 14 Dec 09

Your PotW, courtesy of Rye:

I could never remember all of the reindeer's names, but I guess it doesn't matter since they're ALL DEAD -- systematically killed, taxydermied, and decorporealized (real word. Trust me). Floating reindeer heads will now likely haunt me in my dreams. And PETA will proceed to file a suit against Santa Claus. Ah, the Christmas season.



Happy Monday. Christmas approaches; as does your deadline to get your shopping done.

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Weekly Selects #17

A little long this week, but got some good content from friends. Thanks to the submitters. Enjoy:

-Via email from Taylor C:

My favorite is the guy in the middle, the guy furthest to the right, and the guy third from the right.

For me, picking a favorite was difficult. It's the same as deciding which Travolta movie from the last decade was the worst: It is subjective and completely impossible; they are all so bad.

In fairness, the US trainers should have been issued some clear and specific instructions on activities that would likely be too taxing on the recruits' amply impaired coordination. Something along the lines of:

1. Brushing teeth: ALLOWED, so long as recruits maintain a safe distance of 20 feet from others
   
2. Walking up/down stairs: ALLOWED UNDER TRAINER SUPERVISION ONLY
   
3. Tying shoes: ALLOWED, but waiver form must be signed first
   
4. Anything remotely resembling athletics and requiring corresponding skills: STRONGLY DISCOURAGED, injury to individual and anyone nearby HIGHLY LIKELY
   
5. Rubbing stomach and patting head, or vice versa: STRICTLY FORBIDDEN; trainees will experience aneurysm-induced full body convulsions, eyeballs will be liquefied, and teeth will shatter.

I mean, really. It's a simple list to put together.

-Via Google Reader share from Rijen, who, knowing my frustrations with the Swedes and their damn IKEA, sent me an article about Swedish-Israeli tensions, as Sweden issued a proposal calling for the EU to recognize East Jerusalem as the capital of a Palestinian state. The Israeli response?

"The peace process in the Middle East is not like IKEA furniture," one official said, making a reference to the do-it-yourself Swedish furniture chain. "It takes more than a screw and a hammer, it takes a true understanding of the constraints and sensitivities of both sides, and in that Sweden failed miserably."

Sure, the Israeli official is right that it's a sensitive issue, but his statement is off because HE doesn't have a true understanding of how difficult it is to assemble IKEA furniture (I do believe I'm operating on some meta-level of argument now). It takes the ability to decipher and understand cryptic drawings and translate them into actionable movements. Much harder than you give it credit for Mr. Israeli official, sir, so be careful with your comparisons.

(Unnecessary endnote: An interesting experiment would be to get the above Iraqi soldiers to assemble an IKEA chest-of-drawers. Did I just blow your mind?!? THAT. JUST. HAPPENED.)

-Via Gchat from the Boiler (from FAIL Blog, titled "EPIC DATE FAIL"):

you need to talk to some people
you can't let that stuff get out on the internet

I...I...have...no words...

But really, I watched Hancock yesterday and Hancock was an a-hole superhero who needed a PR guy to revamp his image. I think Japan needs that -- it is a technologically advanced democracy of intelligent individuals that continues to confound the world with its unparalleled "social weirdo"-to-"normal person" ratio (now easily at a strong 3-to-1) -- and I think I am the one to do it. First order of business: Re-instituting the use of the pillory in public spaces, and making an example of these two and the guy who married the video game character. Even Human Rights' groups would KNOW that I was justified.

-Via email from Rye, with the accompanying explanatory background from the originator:

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations.  The bad news is that I had to take him down after two days.  I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.  Two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn’t realize that the body was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy).  By the way, she was one of the many people who attempted to do that.  My yard couldn’t take it either.  I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.”

I don't know whether or not to applaud the man.

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Ham, Illegal Drugs, and Iraqi Diseases

You might be wondering what those three have in common, and I hope nobody was thinking "Christmas dinner with the family."

Yesterday was a strange day. Someone brought in a whole ham left over from a family dinner party and left it in the kitchenette next to my cubicle. My coworkers converged like vultures on a dead carcass (I suppose that technically, it was a carcass -- albeit a honey-baked one). Now, I would be a hypocrite to call it strange to capitalize on free food -- when people bring in jelly-filled donuts I'm the one at the front knocking old women out of the way. The strange thing was watching coworker after coworker leave the kitchenette with a handful of ham wrapped in a paper towel -- apparently there was a shortage of plates.

Next, there was the office-wide email with directions for the holiday gift exchange. It listed the prohibited items, two of which were "illegal drugs" and "knives (with blades exceeding 2 1/2 inches in length)." You know what this means, right? This means that SOMEONE HAS TRIED TO DO THIS BEFORE. "Man, Scott has been such a good mentor to me this past year. I'm thinking he would enjoy a fruit basket and some angel dust."

Finally, Ben called to inquire about my recent illness and the sequence of my symptoms. When did I have a sore throat? How long did that last? Did I have a fever at any point? It was like an episode of House, only Ben didn't insult me, and I didn't have a gruesome symptom like blood gushing out my eyes -- instead, he told me that he had been sick with similar symptoms, and then the surpriser: "[Based on the unique symptoms] I think we have an Iraqi bug of some sort." Ben's an MD, so I'm guessing I have been infected with some sort of Middle Eastern virus.

Wait -- what?

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Noko: Real. Awkward. Jeans -- Photo of the Week 7 Dec 09

 Josh M referred me to this PotW. Awkward company photos from Noko Jeans, a Swedish company attempting to make jeans in North Korea. Here's one of Mr. Erik Wahlstrom, an employee of Noko who takes jeans production in poor, authoritarian-ruled countries very, very seriously:

This is like awkward elementary school photos we used to take when we were kids, only this is a company with grownups. Maybe we should start the practice of individual photos for a company in the US, and since Nartker is the only CEO that I know personally, I challenge him to start the trend.

At the very least, I would like to see Brett Favre photos like this for Wrangler. Wait, what? You want me to MS Paint it? Oh, here you go:

It would look much better if Brett were wearing all black. And if had freaky eyes, instead of his warm, soft ones and disarming smile. I guess you can't have everything.

I suggest you view all photos that Noko Jeans has posted on Flickr because they're all SO GOOD. Settling on one to post here was what I imagine it would be like to pick your favorite amongst multiple children. What say ye, RoSA Readers? Vote for your favorite Noko'er in the comments. It'll be a nice poll.

Also, two random, unsolicited items for your enlightenment:

1. I have a noticeable cut just above my right eyeball along with some redness and swelling. I may have been in a bar on Saturday night, and may have called a Yale alum a "sweater-tying yuppie nobody", and he may have punched me with his enormous class ring. Or, I probably smacked myself in the eye with my ping-pong paddle because I was following through a little too much. I did put some wicked spin on that ball.
2. Luke Wilson, star of hit movies such as My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, was in my dream last night, asking me to help finance his next movie, and saying that he would make me a good return on my money. That's like PETA asking me to make a donation and promising that they won't make obscene advertisements with my money. It's just not going to happen. And why Luke Wilson? It's got to be those stupid AT&T commercials.

Happy Monday to you.

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Weekly Selects #16

This one's embed-heavy near the end. Enjoy:


-Via Email from Ring-dawg:

I think you will appreciate this.

An article titled "Bacon Gets Its Just Desserts" from NPR, with some recipes. Bacon is King.

Bacon has really experienced a meteoric rise in the last half decade, I feel, and based on the declining influence of the US dollar as a universally accepted currency, I'm predicting that 20 years from now we will be trading in bacon. Mobsters will be making shady deals exchanging briefcases containing stacks of rubber-banded strips of bacon; robbers will be seen fleeing banks with bags rendered semi-transparent from soaked bacon grease; bacon-bits will be the equivalent of pennies -- technically worth something, but disregarded and viewed with open disdain. Mark my words.


-Via Gchat from JMill:

I found your blog competitor
http://chopstika.blogspot.com/2009/12/whats-in-blog.html
your nemesis
seriously, she stole your blog

JMill has a much stronger vindictive streak than you would give her cheery personality credit for. Once, when Einstein's Bagels didn't make her breakfast sandwich the way she wanted it, she FLIPPED. I don't want to go into details, but let's just say that the manager of that particular Einstein's got the worst of it; that a taser, 20 yards of saran wrap, and a bar of Irish Spring soap in a sock were involved (don't ask); and there are currently arrest warrants out on JMill effective in three northern VA counties. It wasn't pretty (and neither are her mugshots hanging up on the WANTED posters in the local post office. /shudder/).

Or maybe she just wrote a letter to Einstein's corporate headquarters voicing her complaints about service received and got a $25 gift certificate for her troubles? I can't remember the details.

Well, regardless, if I have future ambitions to corner the internet market on sarcastic Asianism I'm sure I could get JMill to issue some sort of menacing message to this girl; in the meantime, I'll just let those vengeful thoughts of her's ruminate on some other scheme.

-Via various Emails, Google Reader shares, referrals from friends: I openly (and proudly) acknowledge my complete lack of firsthand experience when it comes to the Twilight movies and books (I'm afraid, like George Costanza, that THERE IS NOT ENOUGH VOLTAGE IN THIS WORLD TO ELECTROSHOCK ME BACK INTO COHERENCE [3:30-mark] were I to view/read any portion of them). And while many fans would equate my criticisms as ignorance, I have numerous credible and intelligent sources telling me that they're no good.

Here are some of the parodies I have viewed over the last few weeks:

-A hilarious rejected screenplay from Eric Snider.

-A "How it Should Have Ended":




-An SNL Parody:



-A 1-minute recap of the movie, showing nothing happens, plot-wise:



I actually think this is the ideal way to view a movie you know you will dislike: Watch and read all the related parodies you can find, THEN watch the actual movie. The movie will instantly become a comedy, and EVERYTHING WILL BE FUNNY (this will also make you insufferably annoying if viewing the movie with actual fans).

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