Just When it Can't Get Any Worse...

The internet is a timewaster's paradise, but I think it has reached an all-time low (on top of the pornography and spammers). We had Nic Cage as Everyone -- now, I give you Selleck Waterfall Sandwich:

The title of the blog and the criteria for submitting pictures is pretty self-explanatory, once you get past the randomness of the three items: A sandwich, a waterfall, and Tom Selleck. Like I said. The internet has reached rock-bottom.

Anyone who had anything to do with the development of the internet just collectively rolled over in their graves. And anybody who is still alive that helped in the development of the internet just experienced an aneurysm and then rolled over in their graves. Al Gore included.

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Oh, the Dichotomies of Youth

So I was in the Post Office, waiting to mail a Disney Snow Globe to my niece. Nothing out of the ordinary.

The lady standing next to me in line wanted to chat about the "cute Disney gift" I was packaging up.

Lady: "I have an 18-year old daughter who still loves Disney princesses."

Me: "Never too old, I guess, right?"

Lady: "Haha. Yeah, half of her room is covered in Disney. The other half is Hooters and Playgirl stuff. Haha!"

...
Me: *internal* What is the proper response to this? "Uh...Never too young, right...?"
Me: *out loud* ...............
Lady: "Yeah for her birthday party at Hooters, she had Disney Princess balloons on her chair. Isn't that funny?"

Hilarious. Disturbingly so.

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Weekly Selects #24

another week, another set of digital correspondence...

-Via Gchat from AM:

venus williams is retarded

photo by AFP/Getty Images

Skin-colored underwear while playing tennis in a short skirt? THE WORLD DOES NOT POSSESS ENOUGH EYE BLEACH.

-Via Email from Sister Jen and the Frizzle, who sent an article about eye-detection software on digital cameras that is supposed to detect when people blink in photos. Apparently, the software is mistakenly claiming that Asians are blinking when in actuality they are not. An upset Asian customer said:

"No, I did not blink... I'm just Asian!"

Well, I'm going to start getting upset only when calculators with eye-detection software start saying "You look like you should be good at math and shouldn't need to use me. Shutting down."


-Via Google Reader from Rijen, an article titled "Prison Maintains Ban on Dungeons & Dragons." An excerpt that explains why it was banned:

officials at Wisconsin Waupun prison feel that D&D "promoted gang-related activity and was a threat to security."

The prisoner's grounds for appealing in the first place?

[the ban] "violated his free speech and due process rights."

Well, the ACLU will come sweeping in to save the day, I'm sure...and by save the day I mean be stupid and actually take up a lawsuit. I personally feel that this prison is doing this man a great service. Part of the prison system's job is help prepare inmates to reintegrate into normal society, nothing would facilitate this more than removing D&D from his life.

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Movie Pitch for James Cameron

Based on his success, and his movie-making tendencies, I thought I had the perfect movie pitch James Cameron. Here's how it went.

******

JD: Mr. Cameron, thanks for sitting down with me. I know with the astonishing success of Avatar, you must be busy.
Cameron: /gives me dead-fish handshake/ Please, call me James. I'm told it makes me more...um... personable.
JD: Sure, James. Have a seat.
Cameron: /chuckles while sitting/ It's funny you mention Avatar. Right now it's the second highest grossing movie of all time, likely to be first. Do you know what number one is?
JD: I've got a good guess that it's--
Cameron: It's Titanic!
JD: And I believe--
Cameron: /pointing thumbs at self/ Yes! And I directed it! Wasn't it amazing?
JD: I, uh... /clearing throat and shifting weight in chair/ I actually wrote about how much I hated it, even though I've never seen it.
Cameron: Hate?? How could you hate it? It made so much money. That means it's GOOD.
JD: I'll attribute it to this thing I have for hating things that suck, but let's not get into it. I'm actually glad you bring up Titanic, though, as the movie idea I have for you is related.
Cameron: /leans forward/ Talk to me.
JD: Did you just say 'talk to me'? Do people actually say that in Hollywood?
Cameron: No...I just heard it in a movie. Thought it would be cool.
JD: ...Alright. Anyway, what are the major complaints that people have about Titanic?
Cameron: They have them?
JD: /sigh/ Yes, James. People think it was too long... took forever for that stupid boat to sink. What if I told you you could capture the disaster of Titanic, but in 20-30 minutes?
Cameron: Talk to m--  *ahem* I mean, yeah, I would be interested.
JD: It'll be called Hindenburg. Remember the zeppelin that went down in Germany in 1937? Another large-scale disaster movie, but here are the bonuses: More special effects than Titanic, and it's super short. You know what that means, right?
Cameron: No.
JD: It means good news for you, because no dealing with character development, or dialogue. Don't you see? These are just obstacles to amazing people with your special effects.
Cameron: Actually, now that you mention it -- /leans in slowly/ -- can I tell you something?
JD: Sure.
Cameron: /looks cautiously over each shoulder, leans even closer, then whispers/ I don't understand this demand for character development. And dialogue? What is that?
JD: Well, uh...that's usually considered two people interacting to, uh...develop their characters...
Cameron: /leans back in chair, exasperated/ See. That's what I don't get. I don't get human interaction, or people. And they don't get me, know what I mean? Not the way special effects do, anyway. See, special effects get me -- they don't harass me about taking out the garbage, or wanting me to listen to them cry about....
JD: I hate to interrupt your reverie, James, but you see why Hindenburg would be perfect for you? The passengers go up in the blimp, some poor bastard can even exclaim "I'm king of the world!" Then BOOM. Big explosions. "OH THE HUMANITY!" The end. 
Cameron: Can the explosion last for at least half of the movie?
JD: Sure, James. Sure.
Cameron: And it's guaranteed to make a lot of money, right?

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Random Sticker in Buffalo -- Photo of the Week 25 Jan 2010

AM and I went and visited White Josh and the Frizzle up in Buffalo over MLK weekend. Why go to Buffalo in the winter? I respond with another question: When an unbelievable cold front blankets the east coast for two consecutive weeks, what difference does it make if you go a little further north?

Anyway, we were strolling the streets of Buffalo when I spotted this sticker on a postal box. While it's not my favorite insult, I had to take a picture:

And then of course I was compelled to find out who Eric Corff is, and whether he was framed like Andy from Shawshank Redemption, or if he really is what this sticker proclaims him to be. I'm all about a good smear campaign, but it should at least be semi-justified.

Turns out I found a guy who has a pretty funny blog entry with some info about Mr. Corff. He writes from Telluride, CO, where apparently this campaign of hilarious spite was born. I quote:

"Eric moved to Telluride a couple years ago from New York, and no doubt a Yankee's fan. Apparently he decided it would be in his best interests to pursue his best friend's fiance. From what I understand the fiance was receptive to Mr. Corff's advances which lead to his bad name all over our small town."

And a Youtube clip from a bar in Alabama:




Any Eric Corff stickers sightings out there, RoSA readers?


Monday Monday Monday...

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Weekly Selects #23

A fairly uneventful week, but for what it's worth...

-Via Gchat from Casey, a hilarious review for this item on Amazon.com:

And some excerpts from the review:

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened.

The rest of the product review reads like an adventure out of Gulliver's Travels, if only Swift had the foresight to write "Part V: A Voyage to Walmart in My Howling Wolf T-shirt."

Sigh. If only.

-Via a Comment on one of my previous blog posts from Anonymous:

I wish not agree on it. I think warm-hearted post. Expressly the title-deed attracted me to review the intact story.

Well, thank you, Anonymous, you are too kind. That is the most flattering non-sensical comment I've ever received. Anonymous has recently become a big fan of the blog, leaving all kinds of comments, and I thank him/her for the support. Especially the unbelievably annoying attempts to get me to use Viagra. (DAMN YOU BLOG-SPAMMERS)

-Via Gchat from Butz, just today:

dude my life is so lame and so detached from all things cool.
this is why I need your blog.
you are the last thread tieing me to what's cool.

If I'm the last thing tying Butzie to "what's cool," then that is a very, very thin thread, my friend. And to answer your next question, Butz is a PhD student. In economics. So that pretty much explains the rest of it.

-Via Google Reader from SlashFilm:

A 42-year-old Taiwanese man died of a stroke, which his doctor claims was likely triggered by “over-excitement” from watching James Cameron’s Avatar in 3D.

Back at school, my group of friends had what we termed the "BS Flag," which we would throw any time someone claimed something outlandish. I am throwing that flag now. Look, I'm sorry the guy died, but you know exactly what my guess is: He wanted to, as White Josh said, "go to Pandora -- so he committed suicide by giving himself a stroke."

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Attn: Single Truckers -- Photo of the Week 18 Jan 2010

I know my audience, and since the vast majority of my readers are truckers, I know this PotW will be a huge hit. Apparently these have been floating around at trucker shops around the US. Both are worth taking a closer look at:

 

Thanks to Annie G for the submission. I would add something, but I feel I can add no more value to these fliers. Plus I'm back from traveling, so I'd rather go collapse on a bed than try to make fun of these -- like shooting fish in a barrel.


Happy Monday all. Hope you enjoyed your day off.

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Face-Off Friday -- Tiger Woods Edition

Pilot run for Face-Off Fridays (FoF)

Welcome to Face-Off Friday (FoF), where guest Pat will choose a topic and we will go head-to-head. The goal is to debate issues that have no relevance to anything that you would consider caring about. Ever.

Background: The blog title is only loosely connected to Face/Off, an almost decent movie with an almost clever pun for a title, in which arch-enemies surgically switch faces and identities, the shoot at each other, confusedly stare into mirrors (they switched faces, folks!), and chase each other in boats for two hours -- one finally kills the other with a harpoon gun (SPOILER ALERT!).

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

*******

JD: Pat, welcome to RoSA; please introduce yourself to the readers, as well as a brief explanation for joining FoF. <----- Resting chin in hands, feigning genuine interest. 

Pat: Well, hello, half-caste sarcasm. I'm Pat, your new "guest" blogger. Mostly, I just want to make your blog worth reading. 

JD: Burn. It seems that instead of bringing precision instruments (ie rhetoric and logical argument) to the discourse, you have brought an unwieldy caveman's club (ie personal insults) ME CAVEMAN PAT ME SMASH BIG WORDS RARRR. I can't blame you, though, as you chose to list "dragging knuckles with disproportionately long arms" on the Skills section of your resume, and not "debate."

But let's give this a try, anyway: What is the topic of your choosing this week, Pat?

Pat: Mr. Dalton, your hypocritical assumptions on my approach were fired before a simple discussion.  Or should I call you Dick -- Dick Cheney -- whose vice presidential legacy comes from shooting blindly.  Anyway, let's move to a nice, easy target, Tiger Woods.

Tiger has been a true celebrity lately. Sex, lies, and hospital visits are sure to make him fodder for the next Lifetime movie. His now-tarnished image stands in stark contrast to his Tag-Heuser advertisements which rhetorically ask, "What are you made of?" We find with Tiger that unbridled horniness could be his composition.

So, do you think Tiger's sponsors should drop him based on his morality or should his exceptional ability to "put the ball in the hole" on the golf course maintain his marketability? 

JD: First of all, everyone knows that a Lifetime ("TV Network for Man-Haters") movie requires that Woods abandon his wife once she is diagnosed with cancer, kidnap their children, then flee for another country to live a debaucherous and depraved life. That's the Lifetime template.

And now I don't remember the original point I was making.

Conclusion: I'd rather have a thousand thumb tacks shoved into my eyes than watch a Lifetime movie.

Pat: Tiger was actually trying to run Elin down.  First, she ducked behind a fire hydrant, then shielded her body with a tree. You are so close-minded -- Lifetime is about facts. Spike TV ("Get More Action") will make the same movie, but the under-the-knife skankiest of skanks will wear nothing but lingerie as they bow to Tiger in a purple robe and crown.

Now, answer the question.

JD: Fair enough.

Tiger is the moral equivalent of The Swamp Thing -- but sponsors don't care about morality. They care about marketability and what makes them money. Hell, Martha Stewart (Macy's) went to jail for cannibalism! (maybe?) My understanding of Mad Chedda' Stackin' capitalism tells me that sponsors wait to see how Tiger does on the golf course first. 

Pat: Wait? Look what waiting has done thus far: Taken their poster boy from a single sleazy affair to a baker's dozen plus one. Tiger's appeal came not only from his skill, but from his perceived "squeaky clean" image. Using Tiger with a brand, in theory, is to inspire customers based on his persona - trust, integrity, class - which are now oxymorons if used in a sentence with him. Waiting discounts their brand and molds their chedda. And nobody likes moldy chedda.

JD: Please, son. I'll be enjoying my fine-aged chedda while you're stackin' Kraft Singles.

Pat: Well, you ARE a rat. I wouldn't expect more.

JD: Burn AGAIN. On that note, we'll end FoF for the week. Thanks for reading.

*******

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Weekly Selects #22

some highlights for. Enjoy:

-Via Email from Ben and Lex, I got this article in response to the Avatar movie review from yesterday. I highly suggest reading this -- if for no other reason, to realize that there are some disturbed people out there. My favorite excerpt:

"Ever since I went to see 'Avatar' I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it," Mike posted. "I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in 'Avatar.' "

My only response is that I'm disappointed in Mike's knowledge of the Avatar franchise. Is he a true fan if he thinks that Pandora is a world, and it's actually a MOON? What a loser.

-Via Facebook from sister Jen, that was passed from a friend. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Japan's first "complaints choir" !



It's a little long, I know, but man. Hearing complaints from the corporate hordes of Japan in sung form is priceless.

-Via TXT from JMill, when I was trying to get my ski pants to her when she was going snowboarding:

I dont care about methods i just want in your pants

Anybody who knows JMill knows that she is -- um, not verbally inhibited. But this is really just a running innuendo joke from the first time that she needed to borrow my ski pants.

OH, and why not add one more memorable quote from JMill -- it's actually sound life advice -- that she used on Casey after she won our friends college football bowl pick 'em, and Case was making excuses (albeit legitimate ones):

excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure

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Avatar: A Review of the Movie, and its Consequences

Saw Avatar. I realize that with the movie shattering all kinds of box office records, saying "I saw Avatar" is not a unique statement -- about as unique as something like "I wear underwear" (virtually universal, but every once in a while people surprise you). Decided to write a little review, and talk about the consequences I fear will result from this movie.

It was visually STUNNING. Everything I thought was going to be cartoonish ended up being lifelike and gorgeous, and I was drawn into that world. Banker thought to himself during the movie: "So this is what a quarter of a billion dollars can buy," and I agree. For the sheer aesthetics alone, the movie is worth seeing.

However, there were other things that a quarter of a billion dollars couldn't buy. A few off the top of my head:

1. Screenwriters to write a non-predictable plot: Look, I'm not asking for a Sherlock Holmes mystery  that no one can figure out until the very end...but when compared to Avatar's, even the plots of the childrens' books I read to my nieces and nephew, ages 2-5, are wildly unpredictable (POSSIBLY IMPORTANT NOTE: I have read these books dozens of time...even then!). We all had this thing figured out before the 10-minute mark rolled around.

2. Screenwriters to craft an original plot: You've no doubt seen the "rewritten" Pocahontas script floating around, in which Pocahontas character names and places are simply replaced with corresponding names/places from Avatar. Uncanny. Throw in some Fern Gully, The Last Samurai, and Dances With Wolves, and you pretty much have an Avatar storyline: Main character looks down on native culture as "savage;" native culture teaches man importance of life/nature/alternative lifestyle etc; man joins natives' cause; epic battle. The end. I have heard Miley Cyrus lyrics that are more creative than this screenplay. (Avatar writers -- the specific Miley lyrics I had in mind were: "Noddin' my head like 'yeah' / Movin' my hips like 'yeah.' ")

3. Non-recycled dialogue: You couldn't swing a dead cat in a room with this movie and not hit a cliche. (Wait, what? THAT MADE NO SENSE) Or something.

4. A Way to Make the Na'vi Makeout Scene Not Awkward: Yeah. I don't think there is a budget large enough to make this happen. This scene was weird. The only way it could have been more uncomfortable would be if I was 13-years old again and watching it with my parents.

Really, though, I guess we can't expect much in the way of "nuance" or "subtlety" from the director who brought us Terminator, True Lies and Titanic. Cameron does large, sweeping heavy-handed movies, and that's fine, because they are usually enjoyable. In fact, I have a movie pitch for him -- but I'll save that for another day.

But now I want to discuss what really worries me about this film. And no, this has nothing to do with the "anti-American" undertones of the film, which have been the talking points of so many blogs -- I'll leave that to people who care about that stuff. What really worries me about this film is what it will do for/to the Computer-Weirdo (CW) Community. And by CWs, I mean the people who live in their parents' dark basements, playing endless hours of World of Warcraft or Second Life (avatars of their own) or whatever because they feel living a virtual life is infinitely better than attempting the same feat with their own. That's the group I'm talking about. You with me?

I honestly think that Avatar is going to plant all kinds of crazy thoughts in the CWs' heads. I fear that these individuals -- who are already using virtual worlds as an escape from reality -- will convince themselves that technology actually exists that can transport their consciousness into another body, thus enabling them to leave their lazy, pale-skinned, "I have subsisted on an uninterrupted diet of hot dogs, mac & cheese and Mountain Dew for five years" bodies into the body of a lithe, blue-skinned, agile 10-foot feline.

And then they're going to turn into these people:



And then we'll read some Darwin Award about one fanatic who got electrocuted because he was trying to plug his dreadlock into the USB port in his computer...

And then when they realize they can't have it, there will be riots. Or suicides. See, Cameron has dangled this unattainable, fictional carrot in front of a group of individuals that already has trouble separating reality from fiction -- and when they realize that they can't obtain this, there's going to be trouble.

It's going to be a slippery slope. You just wait.

Well, that's my fear.

But other than all that? I whole-heartedly endorse seeing this movie.

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The Pauly Shore-Jean Claude Van Damme Follow-up...And What Have You

If you'll recall, connecting Pauly Shore and Jean Claude Van Damme required a tedious 9 steps to complete. As one of the Framers of The Solution, Butz got all drunk on delusional possible-glory -- I believe his words were "this belongs in the national archives...next to the reimann hypothesis" -- and insisted I post it. I was thinking of keeping it secret, but I have decided to relent and give the school solution. I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

Jean Claude > Street Fighter w/ Raul Julia > The Addams' Family w/ Christine Ricci > The Legend of Sleepy Hollow w/ Johnny Depp > Edward Scissorhands w/ Winona Ryder > Little Women w/ Christian Bale > The Dark Knight w/ Morgan Freeman > Invictus w/ Matt Damon > School Ties w/ Brendan Fraser > Encino Man w/ Pauly Shore

You might also remember that I issued a challenge for anyone to come up with a better solution. I was secretly hoping that you all would just unquestionably accept my word as law and not humiliate me by coming up with something better.

Unfortunately, I vastly overestimated the amount of authoritativeness my statements carry with the readers. You took me up on my challenge. This came in from Lex:

Jean-Claude Van Damme was in Street Fighter with Kylie Minogue who was in Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
That is probably as close as you'll get

/hanging head in consuming shame/

Well, yes, I foolishly threw down the gauntlet. Little did I know that someone would pick up that gauntlet, load it into a howitzer, and promptly shoot me in the face with it. So much for the National Archives and all of its associated glory. Sorry, Butzy.

Obviously this game is a spinoff of Six Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon, an actor so pervasive in modern cinema that he supposedly can be linked to any actor in six steps or less. I had my reservations about this theory until Butz introduced me to oracleofbacon.org, which uses "databases" and "technology" to prove that rarely does it take more than three steps for any actor to be connected to Mr. Bacon.

This is revolutionary.

Sure, the Greeks had the Oracle at Delphi. But if you ask me, the Bacon one is an upgrade. All Delphi did was spout some prophetic gibberish about Oedipus's inevitable patricide and incest /shudder/. Look: I'm don't want to ponder upon the topics of Free-will or fate, or the place of humanity in this world -- IT'S THE 21ST CENTURY GET OVER IT. I want straight facts, son, and if I want to know how Alfred Hitchcock is connected to Kevin Bacon and in how many steps, I'm not going to Delphi. I'm going to Bacon -- the Oracle that will change Western Civilization as we know it.

In related news, I have a theory about who is heir apparent to the Mr. Bacon throne. It HAS to be Nic Cage. So much so, that a new blog has crept up called niccageaseveryone.blogspot.com, where Cage's face is photoshopped onto other movie characters', world leaders, etc. My personal favorite, Nic Cage as Gandalf:

Submitted by Colin Bridgeman

But really. Is there a movie role that Nic Cage will not turn down? I imagine sitting down with him in a coffee shop...

Me: Yo, Nic. Thanks for coming to lunch. Have a seat.
/Nic Cage sits/
Me: Now, I have a screenpl--
Nic: Done. I'll take it.
Me: ...but I haven't even told you what the movie is about.
Nic: /shaking head dismissively/ Doesn't matter. Talk to my agent about the details.
Me: Well, I think you should know what the movie is about first.
Nic: Really? /looks around nervously/ Alright, fine.
Me: I want to do a biography about an actor who started out strong, doing some quirky films, winning an Oscar for a movie called...oh, let's see...let's just call it Leaving Las Vegas... He's at the top of the acting world. He can have his pick of roles. But his agent tells him he needs to show 'diversity' and 'get his face out there,' so he starts accepting every single role thrown at him. Anything. As an extra in an Indie film. As a stand-in for a 5-year old at a daytime soap opera. As Ghost Rider. His reputation plummets. He becomes a laughing stock. This will explore his precipitous fall.
Nic: That's a deep storyline, man. Deep. I like it.
Me: You should know we have approached other actors about this before you. Christian Bale. Hugh Jackman. Matt Damon. Even Pauly Shore turned it down. Said it was beneath him.
Nic: No. I want it. My agent's been telling me for years that I need to show diversity, and get my face out there. I'll take it.


So, to recap lessons learned:

• Pauly Shore + Jean Claude Van Damme = still funny
• Kevin Bacon = omnipresent
• Nic Cage = possibly more omnipresent
  

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Inspired Art -- Photo of the Week 11 Jan 2010

There's some amazing art at Gallery 1988. Right now they're prepping for a He-Man centered show, but early last year they had a Beastie Boys-inspired show. So while they're technically not "photos," here are a couple of the favorites that I saw (from here).

The Beasties from Ill Communication ("Sabotage") arrest the Beasties from License to Ill:

And another "Sabotage" one:

I'm a huge fan. But that shouldn't come as a surprise to anybody.



It's a short one today, but I have a work inbox to dig out of. Tomorrow's should be better, so check back. Happy Monday!

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Weekly Selects #21

-Via Email from J2K:

Rotten Tomatoes just released the worst movies of the 2000’s, Battlefield Earth got 27th. Personally I think it deserved a single digit place.

Agreed. The only thing Battlefield Earth has done is give me some great material to write about and serve as a standard for how to make the WORST MOVIE EVER.

-Via Email from a coworker, Danni, from here; I know Halloween is past, but whatever:

something to make your inner geek laugh hysterically...You have to love when you have less than $10 to spend on a Halloween costume

Well, you also have to admire the umm...resourcefulness of this family. Economical, really -- because did you see this Jabba the Hut costume? $60!

OK. Enough with outdated holiday-related stuff.

-Via Email from AM:

SUBJECT: i am an addict

I find myself ending all my stressed-out exclamations with this phrase: "I need sushi."  For example: "This is a mess.  I don't even know where to start.  I need sushi."
"I have 22 missed calls.  I need sushi."
"I missed another typo.  I need sushi."
"What a disaster.  I need sushi."

For someone who, no more than two months ago, would recoil and curl up like a frightened pillbug at the mere mention of sushi, the pendulum seems to have swung the other way with AM. Addiction takes many forms -- this one has come in the form of vinegared rice, dried seaweed, and the occasional piece of raw fish. Well, I couldn't be prouder.

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New Years' Snowshoeing -- Photo of the Week 4 Jan 2010

No better way to celebrate a new year than getting your snowshoeing ON, and that's exactly what our road trip to West Virginia provided for us. Sure, West Virginia's MOs are usually missing teeth, alleged inbreeding, and overall backwards-ness, but it is a state with some amazing natural beauty. It was a great way to spend the 1st of the new year -- how did you celebrate?

As always, road tripping with friends is fun. The game providing the most entertainment was 6 Degrees of Actor Separation, where you connect two actors by movies that they have been in with other actors.**  The most challenging connection to make was Pauly Shore and Jean Claude Van Damme -- partly because none of us could name more than one movie of their's.... but mostly because the mere mention of either actors' name was enough to produce uncontrollable laughter. Why was it so funny? I still don't know, and likely will go to my grave not knowing.

Either way, I challenge you to find a solution that takes less than 9 degrees of separation for those two, because that was the best we could come up with.

Also thanks to 6 Degrees, I found out that Jean Claude's nickname is "The Muscles from Brussels." I feel stupid for having gone through 20+ years of life and having not known this. Shame on me. And shame on my entire educational system and my friends and family for having never taught me this.


Anyway. Happy first Monday of the year, all.

**For example, if you wanted to connect Matt Damon and Christian Bale, you would say that Matt Damon was in Invictus with Morgan Freeman, and Morgan Freeman was in the Batman's with Christian Bale. Just two degrees of separation.

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Blackberry and The Beatles

I'm up late watching another bowl game that is of no interest to me -- it's really just a final binge of football watching before I go into withdrawals starting in February.

The unfortunate part of watching this game right now is that my demographic (football fan staying up until 2am) seems to be the target of this annoying Blackberry ad, which keeps running over and over again:



These have to be some of the most redundant lyrics ever. Really. They are mind-numbingly stupid:

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.

Rough translation of the lyrics: If you can do X, X is not impossible to do. PROFOUND. And then the text at the end of the commercial also reminds us to "Do what you love -- Love what you do." Thanks, Blackberry! The wisdom you have chosen to impart to us is invaluable. We had almost forgotten that possible things are NOT impossible, and that we should do things that we like to do. Unbelievable.

I did some further research and the song was originally written by the Beatles. Coincidentally, I just got back from a Beatles Rock Band Party with friends and we talked about how the Beatles were not lyrical savants. So, while acid and LSD may have taken the Beatles to crazy places -- songs called "I Am the Walrus" and singing about yellow submarines, to name a few examples -- they also made them sound like idiots most of the time.

At least Blackberry and the Beatles provided me with something to occupy my time while watching South Florida play Northern Illinois. Snore. Off to bed.

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