OPINION: These Online Dating Services Are A Scam

These Online Dating Services Are A Scam
by Eldon Charles
Convicted Serial Killer

What a crock.

eHarmony.com. Match.com. Meet-an-inmate.com. All of these online dating services are scams designed to get you to invest your money and time into a process that returns no rewards. They prey on the emotionally vulnerable.

See, my life in Ionia Maximum Security Prison, Michigan, is one of mind-numbing repetition and monotony. A goldfish experiences more variety than I do. I spend 23 hours a day in a Hannibal Lecterian restraint mask and straight jacket; the other hour is spent tormenting brilliant but vulnerable FBI agents who are trying to find serial killers a la Silence of the Lambs. Kidding. Just some prison humor for you there. I actually spend my "free hour" in a roofless cement cell, gazing at the clouds, wishing it was night so that I could see the stars.

Anyway, all of that alone time lends itself toward serious introspection and reflection on what's important in life. Education. Freedom. A committed relationship with another person.

So when I heard about meet-an-inmate.com -- the website where "lonely attractive inmates in the USA seek penpals" -- I felt a glimmer of hope, that maybe...just maybe...I might find that special someone with whom I could spend the rest of my life with (after I fulfill my debt to society by serving my four consecutive life terms). Little did I know that my hope would be crushed. Crushed like it was when Stephanie Mason rejected me for senior prom. Or like the skulls of my 5th, 9th, and 13th victims. Whichever comparison you prefer.

Look, I may have killed 23 people in cold blood between 2002-2008, and the judge who handed down my prison sentence may have characterized me as an "unfeeling, ruthless sociopath" who is "incapable of feeling anything remotely resembling empathy for another human being," but that judge was wrong. I'm just like any other person. I get lonely. My family is no longer with me -- my brother died in 2000 (car accident); my mother in 1998 (stroke); my father in 2004 (my own hands) -- so aside from the usual, inane inmate chatter, I don't have a lot of people with whom I can have a serious talk with.

Meet-an-inmate offered that possibility. Finally, someone to have a real, heartfelt conversation with! So I registered six weeks ago. Posted my picture and filled out my profile and everything. The result? I haven't heard anything from anybody. Not a single thing.

My psychologist told me once that I tended to set expectations too high for newly forming relationships, or relationships that I just imagined in my head that had no basis in reality. He said that this led to debilitating disappointment when those expectations weren't met. Now, 5 years later, I'm starting to realize that maybe Dr. Collins was right. Maybe my expectations were too high. And maybe I shouldn't have killed him. Oops.

But that's not the point. The point is this: Is it too much to expect to have just one penpal? Does being the called "one of the worst serial killers in American history" automatically disqualify me as "dateable" material? If that's the case, America is in a sad state of affairs. Is it my profile picture?  Look -- I'm no Brad Pitt, but that mask makes me look at least 30 lbs heavier. And balder. I'd take it off but the last time they let me take it off for a picture, I tried to bite the photographer's neck, so the mask has to stay on. I frankly don't understand why I can't be accepted and loved for who I am -- what happened to tolerance?

I even heard rumors that a few guys like Andy (kidnapping 2nd degree with a firearm; 3-15 years) and Marley (armed robbery with a deadly weapon; 5-10 years) already have penpals off of that stupid website. WHAT IS THAT?!?! Newsflash, people: Andy and Marley are UGLY! And boring! What do those two have that I don't, besides the possibility of living outside of this prison again? What makes those two more appealing than me? It makes no sense.

A scam, I tell you. When I get out of here, I'm suing that website for false advertising.

Shame on you for making me hope, meet-an-inmate. Shame on you.