Be Prepared (So You Don't Do Something Stupid)

I think the Boy Scout motto is too simple: "Be prepared."

For what, exactly? Just a little more detail would provide some guidance, like "be prepared for natural disasters" or "be prepared for when you're bit by a rabid dog." For me personally, it should be something along the lines of "be prepared for anything, just so you don't make a STUPID decision" (or, alternately: "be prepared in case a clown hopped up on meth comes at you with a crowbar." Don't tell me it can't happen).

And that's why, even though the Civie is still driving alright,  I am preparing ahead of time and shopping for a new car now. I figure that if I do all of my research now I will know what I want to buy -- so that when my car DOES die I won't rush out in a frenzied, impulsive panic, and before I know it I'm driving home missing a kidney and 80% of my liver because I sold them as the down payment on a Bentley I can't afford.

Anyway. I'm hoping to avoid the Bentley-situation, so I've narrowed it down to three cars for very practical reasons:

1) Honda Accord/Civic - Dependability? Good gas mileage? WRONG. We all know that the Accord and Civic are the car models that are the most "Rice Rocketable," and we all know I be wantin to get my Tokyo Drift on on the suburban streets of Northern VA.

2) Toyota Matrix - This is one of the "crossover" vehicles, meaning that it's half-sedan, half-SUV. I need a car I can relate to and feel connected with, and this car understands what it's like to be a "halfie" caught between two worlds. This could be a good match for me.

3) Toyota Prius - I hear what you're thinking: "Yeah, it gets good gas mileage, but what about the massive recalls this year. And the sticky accelerator pedals. It's a death trap, man. Don't do it."

Well, you're probably right on all those accounts, but you're assuming that those would deter me because you  forgot HOW HARDCORE I AM. I want this car precisely because it IS dangerous, and because being strapped into a large piece of metal hurtling at high rates of speed, and possibly being unable to control or stop that vehicle, doesn't scare me. I live for it.

(No, but really...I hope Toyota fixed that pedal problem if I end up buying the car.)

You've probably noticed that my list is exclusively Japanese. I'm not called an elitist for nothing.


Anybody have suggestions or advice of their own?

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Weekly Selects #35

Enough small talk. Shall we do this? Let's do this:

-Via IM with Josh M, as we were discussing possible new cars:

Josh M: or you can have people cast votes
Josh M: mine will be for the stretch hummer with the hot tub in the back
Me: figures, man. always using me for my luxurious goods to impress the women
Josh M: well, since you weren't willing to buy me a diamond encrusted grill, i figured this would be a good chance for you to redeem yourself

Yes, Father Time has diagnosed the Civie, and it's not worth the money to fix my air conditioning unit -- so I'm taking Papa Dalton's advice and "run[ning] the thing into the ground" before I get a new one. This of course means that when summer rolls around, my car will be a stuffy, oppressive sauna, and I'm just going to start driving around in a towel.

-Via G-Chat with Ben, after I asked him how he's doing a week after his beloved Denver Broncos had traded three of their draft choices last week in order to draft Tim Tebow:

I passed quickly through denial. Spent quite a lot of time in anger.
I think I have moved onto bargaining.
"maybe they will be ok if they can get a running game going"
"maybe we can work in all three qbs"
"maybe our defense will show up this year"
I feel "depression" setting in rather rapidly.
And "acceptance" will be months or years away.
How are you?

Well, I am actually doing quite well, thank you for asking, Ben.

See, that's the nice thing about not really having an NFL team you have a vested interest in: No team can crush you emotionally when they make inexplicably crazy draft choices; or when they choke consistently during big games; or when they're picked every preseason to "make the playoffs" but always, always end up falling short; or just when they're never any good year after year (see Denver Broncos, Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins, and Buffalo Bills, respectively). I'm telling you: A cool, sociopath-like emotional detachment is the way to go. I can sit back and watch NFL games without having to breathe into a paper bag every time the score gets close.

-Via Email from Jay, who sent an article about the Cub Scouts:

Headline: Cub scouts to offer offer video game playing pin

Durrrr...

As far as getting credit for sitting on your butt and contributing nothing of value to society, this award ranks right up there.

I have to say, though, that the best merit badge I ever worked on in Boy Scouts was my drug-dealing one. A syringe and bottle of pills were the logo. Requirements included "lurk in the shadows for an entire night and avoid detection by local law enforcement authorities," "ruin at least three peoples' lives by getting them addicted to your 'product,' " and "threaten those who haven't paid you yet."

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Google Knows All -- Photo of the Week 26 April 2010

Google has revolutionized our lives in so many ways, but have we thought about the implications of Google knowing EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU? Take this hilarious shot from Street View Google, fittingly captioned "Google knows of your daily torment":

Oh, the poor little boy being pwned by his little sister.

It's interesting, though, that we just kind of accept the omniscience of Google. I mean, everyone's concerned about "Big Brother" government taking over, but what about Google knowing everything you search for, the people you care about the most (Gmail, Gchat), what you shop for, what you read about (Google reader), what your schedule is (calendar), where you travel (Google maps), and that you get beat up by your little sister? Does this not bother anybody?


Anyway...happy Monday, all!

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Weekly Selects #34

Quick Civie update before we get started. I took her in to get fixed with a mechanic who has been fixing cars for local LDS people for what I'm sure has been decades. The mechanic's name is Howard, but I prefer to call him Father Time, because he is quite possibly the oldest mechanic alive. It would not shock me if he started a story with "You know, I remember what I was doing when I found out that McKinley was shot." But Howard's a stud, and knows what he's doing, so I'm hoping for the best.

Okay. Now to this week's highlights:

-Via Google Reader:

Rechristen Yourself with the Wu-Tang Clan Nickname Generator

I know you want to know what my Wu-Tang name is: Misunderstood Demon, son. And I also know that you want to try it yourself. Let me know if you get something you like.


-Via Email from Gina C:

Funny baseball interview: Park Chan-ho, the first Korean to play in Major League Baseball.  After a horrible first game of the 2010 season, Park Chan-ho pitched 3 innings of score-less relief in Game 3.  Reporters asked him what was the difference.  See the interview for his answer...

The funniest part is Park's inability to understand why his teammates are laughing so hard. Someone can correct me if they disagree, but my experience has been that people from east Asian cultures are much more open about discussing toilet-oriented topics.

-Via Email from BreakUpEasy.com:

Subj: JMill has something to tell you: We here at BreakUpEasy.com are sorry to be the ones to tell you that JMill no longer wishes to be with you. Because breaking up with someone can be hard, JMill has decided to use our website to give you this news.

The email expounds on the specific reasons for the breakup.

So they have a break-up websites, now. Huh. What else are cowards going to have the internet do for them in order to avoid confrontation? Beat up the bully at school? Tell the high school band teacher that they're quitting band? Unbelievable.

-Via Email from Drew, a coworker and a huge runner who advocates the "minimalist" approach to running shoes (it gets good around 0:45):

Nike Free Ad

I don't know why this is awesome, but it is. The disclaimer at the end is also a nice touch.

I always answer that if given three wishes by a genie, my first wish would be to be the best breakdancer ever. I think my second may have just become "be a Japanese DJ that mixes with Nike shoes."

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The Civie is Causing Some Noise

I am the proud driver of a 1997 Honda Civic. Besides the rusted tailpipe that dropped out on I-81 back in 2009, she's never given me much trouble. The Civic's nothing fancy, but she's reliable and gets the job done.

During our road trip to North Carolina this weekend, the engine started making crazy noises. It sounds like a cross between an air conditioner and The Smoke Monster on 'LOST', and it is embarrassingly loud when I slow down below 20 mph. My solution to this is to begin perfecting the skill where I pull into a parking lot, immediately shut off the engine, and have just enough momentum to coast quietly into my parking spot of choice. I will do it at work, in my apartment complex, and at the grocery store.

Although no functionality has (noticeably) been affected, I know I'm going to have to take it in to the shop. I guess part of me just hopes that it'll fix itself.

Another part of me hears that Smoke Monster noise and is half-expecting to walk outside one of these mornings and see John Locke in the parking spot instead of my Civic, staring at me with those crazy, intense eyes and holding an 8-inch hunting knife in his hand.

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