Where's the Minority B Roll?

Uh. Stock footage is awesome:



I feel like I could be a stock footage star, much like I was during my Independent Study days.

If you were paying attention to the ad with a keen (read: overly sensitive) eye, I didn't see any minorities in that B Roll. Minorities get frustrated paying bills, too, you know, just as we also put our hands on walls when we're depressed.

Everyone KNOWS that if a company doesn't at least fake like they have a little diversity in their workplace (see posters hanging up in your respective Human Resources' departments at work, displaying diversity), no one is going to buy your products/services because YOU ARE RACIST BASTARDS AND THE ACLU IS COMING AFTER YOU.

But really, think about it. I could effortlessly provide all kinds of B Roll just by having a camera crew follow me around for a day. Here's how it would go:
"Need B Roll of a minority:
Falling asleep at work? Maybe drooling on his desk?
Eating bacon for breakfast? How 'bout for Lunch? Dinner? Midnight snack?
Yelling at old people driving slow? Getting pulled over and racially profiled by a cop? WE GOT THAT B ROLL.
Need B Roll of a minority doing other things, like:
Acting offended at innocuous joke made by coworkers? Laughing uncontrollably at 30 Rock? Weeping inconsolably at generic chick flick? Doing completely manly yet impractical things like eating shards of glass? Procrastinating taking out the garbage? WE GOT THAT B ROLL."

See. We minorities do ordinary things just like the rest of you. Problem is -- we get more credit for doing it.

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For Sale: Bunker -- Photo of the Week 29 March 2010

I haven't explored www.survivalrealty.com as much as I would like, but any website that describes itself as "a directory of listing agents, agencies, and property owners specializing in survival retreats" is worth some perusing. Especially if the listings are anything like this one from Utah:

As a Mormon who has been told by church leaders for years to prepare food storage for unforeseen disasters, this bunker would be the perfect purchase. A highlight:

There are hidden caves which I will show to the new owner. These caves have not likely seen any humans besides myself and my boys.

You know, I always pictured that my future house would have a nice deck/patio on which I could BBQ, a nice study in which I could keep my library of books, etc, but I suppose that a place capable of holding off an invasion of zombies and/or that facilitates training for Thunderdome-like hand-to-hand combat is what I would call a good investment in your future.

I have no idea what the towers are for...controlling the Hubble Telescope?


Happy new week, all!

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Weekly Selects #30

still playing catch-up, but here we go...

-Via Email from AM, an article titled "Women Hospitalized After Bogus Butt Enhancements." From the first paragraph:

six women in New Jersey who hoped to plump up their backsides have ended up hospitalized with infections, after a bogus doctor injected their derrieres with a mixture of silicone, petroleum jelly and, perhaps most hazardous, household caulk

Oh sure, all the essentials for body augmentation...silicone: check. petroleum jelly: check. And caul-- wait, what?! Caulk? Like what you use to seal bathtubs?

Sky Mall needs to strike while the iron is hot to market their Body Figure Enhancing Pads as a safer alternative to having caulk injected into your cheeks. They could go with a simple catchphrase, "Keep caulk out of your a**." Or something.

-Via from cousin Em. I have to warn you, if you weren't on your way to have nightmares of Japanese men with mohawks yet, this will have you back on track:

have you already posted this?

Clapping your hands to express happiness has never been so skin-crawlingly creepy.

Well, I'm typing this on Wednesday night/Thurs morning, and I'm tired, so you're just getting two this week...

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Metasatire -- Praise it

Satire exposes the flaws, weaknesses, and idiosyncracies of a political/social/etc system or group; its effectiveness lies in its ability to push equivocation aside and directly address the heart of the problem by using humor (I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I JUST TYPED BUT IT SOUNDS RIGHT). Well, whatever it is, I like satire mostly because it's FUNNY.

Take this device up a level to what I will term "metasatire" -- where things are mocked in vague generalities -- and you see exactly how formulaic things in our society such as our 24-hour news programs (first clip) and movies (second clip) have become.

Man, oh man, I love these clips... but it's a little scary to see that we are getting fed this stuff over and over...

The Onion News mocking the news, courtesy of Banker (WARNING: a bit of language here)


Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

And the mockery of the Oscars (courtesy of C. Dees)




Sigh. Wistful, yet resigned statement about my inferior creativity and sense of humor relative to the creators of these two videos.

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Worst Tattoo Ever -- Photo of the Week 22 March 2010

Man, I hate to do this to you guys, but J sent this picture and lobbied for it, so I present to you the worst tattoo I've ever seen (and there have been some great ones previously):

EYE BLEACH! EYE BLEACH!!

But really, I have no idea why I'm posting this (aside for shock value), as I hate cats and tattoos. And now I can add belly buttons, something with which I was previously neutral on, to my "hate" list now. This is absolutely unbelievable, and all complaints about this picture should be sent to Jason Tanner, who wanted me to post this despite describing it as "the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." I hope that provides some insight into the type of friends I keep... revolted by something, but more than willing to share it with others...


Happy Monday, all -- if it's possible after seeing that atrocity.

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Weekly Selects #29

catching up correspondence from two weeks ago...

-Via Facebook from a friend who asked to remain Anonymous, after I posted on my Facebook wall that I had just finished watching Mortal Kombat:

I don't have the courage to post this on your wall, but because I have a history of telling you embarrassing stories of myself I will divulge that Mortal Kombat holds a special place in my heart because when I was in 8th grade I won a cheerleading competition (solo) dancing to the Mortal Kombat theme song.

In my own defense, I promised to watch the movie with JMill when she was laid up with her broken leg. I figured when your leg's broken in three places, you need to know that there are worse things in life, and starring in a movie based on a video game is one of them.

I'm afraid I can't come to my friend's defense, though... The "she was young!" excuse would be nice to use, but that doesn't absolve me of the embarrassment I should feel at the bowlcut I sported from ages 12-14.

Ok, fine, 12-15.

-Via Google Chat status from Jay Z, my boy from high school who is quitting smoking, quoting our friend TP:

plus, as educated, and otherwise privileged white kids, quitting smoking is likely the most adversity we'll ever have to overcome

TP may have a point. He, Jay Z, and some other friends had to start The Upper Middle Class White Male Heterosexuals club in high school. See, when you grow up upper-middle class, white, male, and heterosexual in WA, you need a forum/support group of peers you can relate to; with whom you can gather and talk about the disenfranchisement you feel at the hands of all of the other upper middle class, white, heterosexuals you go to school with. Nothing makes the homogeneous majority feel unique than having a club based on their homogeneity.

Interesting side story: I was told I could join the club but that I would only be 3/5 of a vote. I wasn't upset so much about the racist overtones of their condition on my membership, but rather about the condition's inability to mask which way I voted on issues: "Let's see. The tally is 5 votes for, and 3/5 of a vote against. Nice job, JD."

-Via Email from sister Jen, zentai, a Japanese practice I was unaware of:

The Japanese strike again

photos and article from here; all of them are worth a view

Zentai is "the practice of cocooning one's self from head to toe in a skin-tight bodysuit," a practice I normally associated with superheroes like Spiderman and other fictional characters. Another quote from a zentai-er: "It’s like a portable safety blanket...like you’re pulling the sheets up over your head." I'm not extremely claustrophobic, but being encased in skin-tight spandex would feel like I was wrapped in saran wrap, or had a plastic bag tied around my head, and that I was being choked to death -- NOT like a safety blanket. But what do I know? I'm the weird one that wears stuff like t-shirts, jeans, and hoodies.

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A Leprechaun Tale, or Two

St. Patrick's Day reminds us once a year to be proud of our Irishness -- infinitesimal as it may be for some of us -- and then we promptly forget about it for the other 364 days of the year and make fun of "those crazy Irish." Today's a great opportunity to remember the charming, uniquely-Irish contributions those crazy Irish have made to society: (1) Brawling (2) drinking (3) passing out from drinking (4) harvesting potatoes (5) being Catholic (all of these established facts were taken from The Onion's atlas, thank you very much).

A skill often forgotten amidst the slurred confusion of (1)-(3) is the Irish ability to tell stories. I have a beauty for you here, courtesy of Waffles*, who went to school in Arkansas for a bit and heard this story from some friends that live there. Coincidentally enough it involves a leprechaun of sorts.

Brought to you by Google Voice, and well worth the 3-minute listen. Just hit the play button:




Oh, what the hell, it's St. Patty's day. Here's another good one from JMill: "Give me the gold...i want the gold!"



*From Talledega Nights, obviously: "Me and Ricky, ever since we were kids, man...we go together like cocaine and waffles." Yup, you guessed it. I'm cocaine. He's waffles.

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STOP ISLAND THEFT! -- Photo of the Week 15 March 2010

With an upcoming trip to New York City, I was reminded of this ad from 2008, and wished I could have seen this beauty in Times Square:

A life-sized figure of a thief wearing a Japanese imperial flag as a mask with a caption that reads: "STOP ISLAND THEFT. Japan attempts to steal Asia's islands by distorting history." South Korea and Japan are still disputing with each other over the sovereignty of the Dokdo / Takeshima islands (read: pebbles in the middle of the sea between the two countries).

Oh, but there's more this picture. Pan out a bit:

People always say "location, location, location," and the marketers in charge of this campaign took this advice to heart when placing this statue. When seeking support for the Republic of Korea's campaign against the resurgence of Japan's neo-imperialistic aspirations, what better demographic to target than those likely to be interested in Chorus Line, starring Mario Lopez? None, I tell you. NONE. The two groups are basically the same.


Happy Monday, all. "Losing" an hour sucks.

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Gone again...

...see you in a week.

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Weekly Selects #28

Have some DC to catch up on after being out last week:

-Via Email from Kate and Barbaloot, who sent me their favorite Calvin & Hobbes-inspired snowmen:

 

 

-Via Email from Pops Dalton, who felt the need to clarify the Ewok entry:

The scene you refer to about asking you on camera what you got for X-mas, I was probably trying really hard not to burst out laughing out loud, which would have harmed your growing sense of self-esteem.  It's OK to embellish stories for dramatic effect but let's try and keep the basic story straight.

Well, I stand corrected. The patriarch has spoken.

-Via Email from Jay, sending me an article about the arrogance of Priuses and their owners. My favorite line:

Prius owners work very hard to get as many miles per gallon as they can to win a game they like to call Getting in an Accident While Staring at a Screen with a Dumb Graphic.

The article is quite hilarious, and helps put things in perspective for consumers that think a little too much of the products they own/use...off the top of my head, I can think of a few groups of people: Mac users; 'LOST' watchers; Whole Foods shoppers. You get the idea.

-Via Email from Case:

Bacon candles homie

This just makes me think of Jan's candle business on The Office.

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Post-Marathon Check-up -- 3 Months Later

You'll be happy to know that since the marathon, I have not gone on a run. Not a single one. I think my mind and body still refuse to submit themselves to anything vaguely resembling the trauma I put it through back in November. Instead, I've been playing soccer (sure, you run in soccer, but there's a BALL -- it's different).

I got a package from Jay in the mail last week -- some photos he took at the November race. An unexpected and pleasant gift. Here's my personal favorite:

Aside from shooting sports, landscapes, and architecture to prove his awesomeness as a photographer, Jay has also been known to provide his photography services for other things: Weddings and engagement photos; pro bono work for The National Enquirer and other publications of fine repute; incriminating photos of your boss having dinner with his mistress (for blackmail, dummy), etc, etc.

Wait, hold up. I just got an email from Jay saying that he doesn't do weddings anymore.

Anyway, you can check his photos out at tannerphotography.net. There's some amazing stuff there. Enjoy -- and thanks again to Jay for the photos!

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More From the Ewok Era

Back in my Ewok days, I not only bore an eerie resemblance to the plump-faced, furry little creatures from Return of the Jedi. I also spoke English like one. Yes, my first four years of existence and the spoken English language were at odds with one another, as my attempts at verbal communication were really just a flowing cascade of blathering, inane nonsense. Either I was being lazy (probable), or somewhere in the back of my young, innocent mind I was already trying to frustrate those around me (more probable).

Either way, bless my dear sisters, who were my interpreters and communication medium to my parents. I imagine it's what negotiations at the UN are like. Let's compare the two scenarios:

UN Security Council, 2003
Colonel Qaddafi, dictator of Libya: (Arabic) اذا كانت الامم المتحدة يفرض مزيدا من العقوبات على ليبيا ، وسوف نستمر في تطوير اسلحتنا من برنامج اسلحة الدمار الشامل.
/Qaddafi looks to interpreter to translate/
Interpreter: Colonel Qaddafi says that if the UN imposes more sanctions on Libya, we will continue to develop our weapons of mass destruction program.
UN Envoy: The Security Council finds this unacceptable.

Dalton Household, 1985
Me: Mawm, i jwio weh3 hoh& goerre ehre?
/mom and dad look at Jen and Juli/
Jen or Juli: He says he wants green M&Ms.
Mom or Dad: Not until after he finishes his dinner.

Seriously, there are home videos where Pops will ask me an innocuous question like "And what did you get for Christmas, Josh?" -- mind you, this is a question he already knows the answer to -- and then I will spout some slurred combination of sounds that will be met by my father's befuddled, non-comprehending silence. You can almost HEAR his puzzled look and agape mouth from behind the camera, and his eyes looking pleadingly at my sisters to interpret his little boy's Ewok tongue. It's pretty classic.

End of story, according to Shigeko, is that one day when I was four I came upstairs and spoke flawless English. I guess with some it just takes time.

Anyway, Sara Boo shared something with me on Facebook that reminded me of this story:

Saw this and it reminded me of the story you told about your Christmas video where you didn't say any english words and spoke Joshese. Enjoy!

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Denzel's Career -- Photo of the Week 1 March 2010

Denzel is a legend of our time, so I enjoyed this Venn Diagram mapping the characters he has played in movies (still not sure of its origins):

I wonder what a Venn Diagram of my daily thoughts would be like... Bacon, football, Jason Bourne and/or Wolverine, testosterone, and punching holes in walls. Nothing but typical, manly guy stuff...

Yours?


Happy Monday. It's good to be back.

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