"I'm a Moron" Series - Part 1: Secret Santa

You ever have those moments in life when you just have to nod your head dejectedly and admit: "Yes, I am a moron"? I do. Probably more often than I would like to admit.

I really wanted to make this a single, isolated posting, but I soon realized that even though I don't plan on making a habit out of it, there will definitely be more than just one of these moments in my life; hence, the start of the Series that will be posted about sporadically.

Commence self-deprecation:

So my church continues a great tradition every year by adopting a needy family to give gifts to. I received a mass email a couple of weeks back asking for volunteers to deliver the gifts; apparently this year they wanted to do a Secret Santa/"12 days of Christmas" theme. I volunteered. Simple enough, right? Deliver some gifts. Feel good. End of story.

The problem with me is that I skim emails, and this time I missed the operative word: Secret.

Well, the rest of the story is something along the lines of me going with a friend to drop off the presents, knocking on the door, waiting for them to answer (the exact opposite of running away undetected), getting invited in, handing the family the presents, learning their names, etc etc.

Moral of the story? Well, for one, read your emails. Sometimes words have meaning.

But the real lesson here is just don't be an idiot.

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The Theoretical 5-Disc DVD Changer Scenario -- Answers

Well, the jury's been out for a bit, and not too many participants, but you guys did pretty well... Here are the movies, in no particular order.

		Batman Begins: I realized lately that whenever people asked me what I was doing ‘tonight’ I kept saying “It feels like a Batman Begins night.” And this was not over the course of a few random days in a 3 or 4 month span; this was for about 3 or 4 consecutive weekends. After the spiraling debacle that the Batman franchise became in the movies following -- well, the original -- the storytelling here, especially the way in which the writers profiled and developed the Batman / Bruce Wayne character by using flashbacks while simultaneously telling the present story, is impeccable.
		The Bourne Ultimatum: Chances are that even though I will be living in a nuclear wasteland, there will be some sort of government, and chances are that government will be out to get me. What better way to learn to elude capture and not get the least bit flustered doing it than watching Matt Damon do it to the CIA in this masterpiece?
		Dodgeball: This comedy is so over the top and quotable -- cameos from William Shatner, David Hasselhoff, Lance Armstrong AND Chuck Norris, make it priceless -- that it gets better every single time I see it. I’m pretty sure the idea of the inevitable onset of cancer thanks to the nuclear fallout would be a surefire means to depression; this would be a great way to lighten things up.
		Fellowship of the Ring: I’d need to have an epic movie of some sort, and this is my favorite of the LOTR trilogy. I watched this so many times with Rye and TME I’m sure they got sick of me pointing out every little bit of what I consider brilliant acting. Ian McKellan as Gandalf is great, but Sean Bean as Boromir steals the show. Plus, compared to the other movies, there is less Frodo-Sam “stuff” that makes Casey uncomfortable.
		Ocean’s Eleven: One word: Smooth. Okay, one more: Seamless. Of course I’m referring to the heist itself, but the dialogue and the exchanges between the characters -- both verbal and non-verbal -- are so fluid in this movie. Another movie that gets better each time I watch it. Plus, Brad Pitt’s character can show me how to dress like a male gigolo (Ocean’s 12 reference).

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Trailer Voiceovers Fulfilled: "Jason Bourne Comes Home"

December 11th had been on my calendar for about a month. No, I didn't have a niece/nephew scheduled to be born on that day. No raise at work. The Bourne Ultimatum was coming out on DVD. Feel free to continue shaking your head and think typical, Josh...just typical.

So following work on Tuesday I found myself at Target, in the school supplies section of all places, under the pretense that I needed some colored pencils for my new sticks. It was really a ruse, as school supplies happened to be next to the electronics' section. I had told myself earlier in the week that I would wait for some Bourne Trilogy Box Set to come out so I could just get all the movies at once...

Before I knew it, I was standing in front of the display for the movie, chatting randomly with the people around me. They only have The Ultimatum? Hmm...I'll probably just wait for the Trilogy to come out. And I began to walk away.

Wait! I turn around. My eyes light up as a middle-aged Asian woman approaches me with a silvery box that reads: "The Jason Bourne Collection."

You can have this. It's the last one.
No, I couldn't...
No, really. We have the first two already, so I can just buy the last one by itself.
I can't do that. I said with feigned hesitation. Are you sur--? Okay, I'll take it.

Divine intervention? Probably not. Asian unity manifest in its truest form? That would be a resounding "Hell yes."

Upon getting home, in keeping with the spy-theme, I opened the case with a 4-inch Smith & Wesson knife that was on our TV -- for what I can only assume is for the robber who breaks into our apartment and needs a weapon with which to enforce his will on us -- tore the plastic off with knife-in-mouth (pirate-style) and opened the case with trembling hands. To find:

That's right. Apparently Jason Bourne, despite his incredible skills, is legally blind and needs a passport the size of his own head just so he can find it when he's digging around in his bag.

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The Theoretical 5-Disc DVD Changer Scenario -- Intro

The other day, some friends and I were discussing how lazy we've gotten, and the point of things some things; in this specific case, we were discussing the point of a 5-disc DVD changer. Is anyone really going to be in a situation where you will want to watch five movies consecutively, and not be in a position to be able to get up and change the discs after sitting on their butt for two hours?

I don't know why I'm writing about this. I guess it got us into an interesting discussion about which five movies we'd choose to keep in our changers if those were the only choices we were to have for the rest of our lives. And I know you're thinking of the exact same theoretical scenario that I am: If you were to know beforehand about a nuclear explosion that would wipe out everything except your TV, 5-disc changer, AV cables, electricity to your equipment (because these are all explosive-proof)...and, of course you and your remote (because in a post-apocalyptic world, you wouldn't want to get up to turn off the TV...that's just too much effort)...

Place the following in your comments:
1) Which five movies would I choose? (In case you think me egocentric, it is my blog, after all...)
2) Which five movies would you choose?

I know -- this turned into one of those email chain surveys you always see...

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The Watered-Down Approach: Making Less More

I would hope that out of all the places that I would tune down my willingness to observe, it would be a public men's restroom. However, today I was at the sink and tapped the soap dispenser, and instead of the thick, soap-like goo that usually comes out, out came some half-soap, half-water diluted solution. I thought to myself: Those cheapos. Now they're watering down the soap.

Then I realized that we all do this. You know what I'm talking about. You get in the shower and realize that you're getting low on shower gel or shampoo. What do you do? Screw off the top and put some water in there. You've just transformed your two-day's worth of remaining shower gel into at least ten-day's worth. The same goes for dish soap -- in college I witnessed a bottle of Dawn last for at least a year -- and any number of other liquids. Efficiency? Laziness? Good hygiene exchanged for frugality? Tomato, Tomahto.

Chris Rock pointed out that his parents did it: When I was a kid, we didn't have no insurance. All we had was Robitussin. My parents thought " 'tussin" could fix anything. "Daddy, I got a cold" "Drink some 'tussin, boy" "Daddy, I broke my leg" "Pour some 'tussin on that bone, boy...let it work its way down to the bone, it'll set it straight...What? We're almost out of 'tussin?? Pour some water in the bottle, shake it up! Mo' 'tussin! Mo' 'tussin!" (the italics used to indicate Chris' monologue were not used because he was yelling, but to more clearly illustrate his shrill, high-pitched voice ringing in your ears.)

I suppose the only time I'll really feel this approach is worth it is when I can work a watered-down gasoline situation; you know, 50% water (free), 50% gasoline ($3+/gallon)...you know, without the whole ruin your engine part of it. Then we'd be sticking it to OPEC.

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Bored at Work?

I don't know about you, but I have way too many meetings at work. Or maybe there are the right amount of meetings, but they are too long. I don't know.

Anyway, don't get me wrong, I understand the need to refocus, to reiterate office goals, to announce important events, to reorganize. All of these are essential for a smooth-running operation. I get it.

But sometimes you get talkers in these meetings. People who need elaboration on every minute detail that doesn't concern anyone but themselves; elaboration that could easily take place after the meeting, one-on-one with the boss, and not at the expense of everyone else's work time. I found this unfortunate fact out about 3 weeks into working a real job.

Initially, I tried to pass this wasted time by doodling on my notepad. This was a failure because I found out that I have no talent when it comes to drawing, and all that resulted were countless 3-D cubes, because...well, that's all I remembered/could do from my 5th grade art class.

I decided to get pro-active about things. I began paying attention to the way people talked and noticed that certain phrases presented themselves more frequently than others. I talked with some of my colleagues and decided that to keep things interesting, we should play "Corporate Idiom Bingo" during these at-times excruciating meetings. The rules are simple. Fill out a 4x4 card with any phrases you feel will be used during the meeting. Get a row, diagonal, or column: BINGO. Blackouts are also possible, though I would say improbable. Here are some classic corporate phrases I've found:

"...but you see, where the rubber hits the road is when..."
"We're putting the cart before the horse here..."
"The last thing we want to do is reinvent the wheel..."

I'd be interested in hearing what other people hear in their meetings. Just don't get caught taking down phrases by your supervisor.

Oh yeah, so when I said 'I decided to get pro-active' I bet you were thinking I reshaped the way we did meetings in such a way that my office's efficiency increased threefold or something. I'm flattered, but you give me way too much credit.

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My Thanks

Through a recent effort to inform myself about the world and its history, I've unfortunately found that in our world, war is not always avoidable.

In fact, it seems that wars are not just unavoidable on occasion -- they are inevitable. Conflict appears to engulf all global issues, and it is usually the result of indiscriminate hatred or some moron who feels they are entitled to more at the expense of the freedom of others... or some twisted combination of both. It is an unyielding disease of take, take, take, and it is more than a little depressing to read about day in and day out.

Lately, however, what has struck me more poignantly is that there is a flip-side to that coin: Giving, e.g. those who serve or have served in our Armed Forces. Their motivations for enlisting may differ slightly -- some fight to protect the freedoms of loved ones at home. Some, for the freedom of people in other countries. Others, to try and improve the world around them. I can't speak for each individual. When it comes down to it, the universal and unifying aspects to it all is their willingness to serve and sense of duty.

My heartfelt gratitude goes out to those men and women who, without hesitation, willingly go to distant and foreign lands to fight because they love their country and their fellow man.

I don't know why, but recently, every time I hear the National Anthem at a sporting event, or see uniformed servicemen walking through the airport, my eyes well up. It makes me grateful for what has been given by them and their predecessors, and makes me think about what I should be willing to give; not just to ensure the future freedoms of our country and the world, but also as a token of my gratitude for all of those unknowns that willingly served their country.

Happy Veterans' Day, everyone. Whether you agree with America's involvement in current conflicts or not, remember why we have it.

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A Temporary Revival

It's confession time.

Back in my high school days, my friends and I became enamored with butt rock. It all started when we were at Goodwill shopping for some props for a History class skit. We found some old butt rock concert t-shirts for $0.99 (Def Leppard and Judas Priest were the originals). They were threadbare black tshirts, pictured men with leather pants, big hair, and triangular guitars. We bought them and spent the next two years collecting all the shirts we could find, and, even as a joke, listened to the bands' music...

"Why in the *$@# would you do that??" is a perfectly valid -- albeit a little obscene -- question. It wasn't because we actually liked it, or thought they were talented. I think it's for the same reason that shows like "Ripley's Believe it or Not," or people like that less-than-no-talent Asian guy that appeared on "American Idol" a few years back got famous. It was pure fascination that this genre of music, not to mention the associated culture and lifestyle, dominated the music scene and actually sold albums for a decade.

Did it get to the point where I ordered the "Power Ballads" collection from those infomercials?...almost. But high school ended, and butt rock was left by the wayside, neglected and forgotten...and rightfully so.

Until just recently. This past week I got invited to go to an 80's cover band concert: The Legwarmers. My initial motivation was to people-watch -- these kind of activities, much like medieval gatherings, have the tendency to bring the freaks out of the woodwork -- but as the band started playing, a distant echo from high school came back to me. I think it started when they played "99 Red Balloons", Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now" (repressed memories of TME shaking his thang in a towel came flashing back), moved to "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC, then topped it off with that Def Leppard classic: "Pour Some Sugar on Me."

Some other highlights: The drummer coming out in a full Storm Trooper uniform, helmet and all, and playing for a good full hour before he took it off; the keyboardist with wispy blonde hair, wind-swept by a conveniently placed fan under her keyboard; the groupies at the front of the crowd looking to sleep with any band member they could get their hands on.

The concert was great. Do I wish the 80s returned? Hell no. In fact, I'm glad that I was too young to remember any of it. But it sure is fun to have a short, temporary revival every once in a while. Special emphasis on short. And temporary.

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"Who writes this crap?"

Sometimes when I get on a blog-writing roll, I feel like I'm a decent writer. But then I run into stuff like this, and I am truly humbled:

Source: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tpa/409930561.html

Survival Of The Fittest

---

Date: 2007-08-30, 2:03PM EDT


Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

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Movie Review, Round Two: Bourne Ultimatum

I know your mom always used positive language with you when you were little and made a point not to use "never" with you regarding what you could or could not do when you grew up.

I have come to clear up any misconceptions about yourself that this kind of optimistic fluff may have caused.

You will never be able to out-think an entire team of CIA agents as quickly as Matt Damon, nor will you be able to physically dismantle them one-by-one (or collectively, for that matter) as he does. You will never be able to drive a motorized vehicle like Matt Damon. You will never be able to track someone down and make them pay for whatever they did to you like Matt Damon. Oh, and you will never be able to do a Matthew McConaughey impression as well as Matt Damon.

Now that we've established reality and dispersed years of disillusionment (and shattered dreams...sorry 'bout that), I want to talk about The Bourne Ultimatum, which I just saw for the second time.

First word that comes to mind: Riveting. The plot does well at wrapping up a lot of the questions raised in the previous movies, but when viewed as a movie separate from the previous two, it unrolls methodically, building momentum until the end, and you are glued in your seat and don't want to miss a second -- even if you've had too much Diet Coke and the world's smallest bladder.*

The characters aren't complicated, but you've spent Identity and Supremacy with Matt Damon as Jason Bourne and you're attached to him. As I mentioned, the plot is solid, and each scene that would normally be considered cliche in a spy movie is given a unique element / twist so that you never think "Oh, this is the same old..." I know some people have complained about the "hand-held camera" shooting of scenes in the previous Bourne movies, but it seemed like this time around the cinematographer had begun drinking around noon when shooting the film as opposed to the usual 9am of his Supremacy-filming days, so this greatly decreases the likelihood of motion sickness.

I don't have a rating system, but whatever a "strongly urge in a non-coercive way" translates to in stars, or thumbs up, or percentages, I'm assigning that rating to The Bourne Ultimatum.

Endnote: Given his presence in the Ocean's movies, Saving Private Ryan and others, I realize that I may have a developing non-sexual man-crush on Matt Damon. I am taking stock and will get back to you on it.

*Interesting note on the range of my Japanese lexicon. I know the seemingly random word for 'bladder' because I needed to explain to my Japanese companions why I was going to the bathroom constantly.

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Simple Steps to Great Anime Hair

Sitting in the grocery store, you're almost forced to read the magazines / tabloids because apparently the checkers are all secretly taking part in some sort of competition in which they try to get the most people to leave their line because they are moving so slowly. The majority of the magazines at grocery store checkout stands have covers that read "10 simple steps to great skin!", "5 Easy Ways to Bail Out of Relationship You Don't Want to Be In", or "Great Abs in 8 Days" (the answer to which, at least partially, is do not buy the Snickers bar directly underneath the magazine), or some other such title.

After my obviously frustrating trip to the grocery store today, I picked up some friends from the airport, and when I stepped out of the car, one of them -- who definitely isn't even into this -- said: "Holy crap. You look like one of those anime characters. That's awesome!"

Those two experiences today, coupled with my voiced disdain for JapAnime, are the basis for this entry. I'll admit that whether I like anime or not, the glimpses I've seen of the characters' hair are pretty sweet.

Backtracking the steps that culminated into my hair attaining such unbridled awesomeness, I decided to make the only blog entry in which I disperse fashion advice, knowing full well that there is a less than 1% chance anyone will do this. I call it 7 Simple Steps to great anime hair. Why 7? Probably because it's all I could come up with:

1) Be part-Asian, or at least of an ethnicity that inclines you to having hair that is thick, straight, and doesn't like to move once it's set.
1a) Clarifying the meaning of 'part', this would mean at least 1/4 Asian. Anything less than this, and you can forget about it: You were born a generation too late and should proceed to blame your parents for not marrying into more diversity.
1b) If you are not of Asian descent but have similar hair, you are at a decided disadvantage because even if you go through with the steps and get the hair right, pulling off the entire anime look is going to be much more tough. This is not racial. It is fact.

2) Don't cut your hair for at least three months.

3) I know you're probably guessing "lots of gel." This is only partially true. Your 'gel' has to be so sticky that it is categorized as a borderline adhesive, and can be found in both the Home Repair and Hair Products Departments of the store.

4) The gel needs to have sat overnight, meaning you applied it after you took a shower yesterday morning.

5) Instead of taking your normal morning shower, go and play a sport that requires a lot of running:
5a) preferably soccer;
5b) preferably for at least an hour and a half;
5c) preferably in 90% humidity so that you are drenched with sweat.

6) Be occupied with running errands after playing the sport from (5) that you can't take a shower immediately after.

7) Take useless pictures of your hair and make a blog entry about it.

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Movie Review: "Transformers" at IMAX

That's right. You read the title correctly, and you'd better believe I'm gonna go there.

I decided this past Saturday that I needed a respite from my rigorous college-football-watching schedule and went with a bunch of guy friends to check out "Transformers" on IMAX. Something about throwback movies based on favorite childhood cartoons brings guys together. I can't explain it.

It's cliched, I know, but I guess in some ways we're all still children at heart, and "Transformers" has this inexplicable way of being almost generationally defining -- not in the sense that Vietnam defined a generation...please, I'm not stupid enough to make that poor of an analogy -- in the sense that if the Transformers cartoon gets brought up in a conversation, all guys in the group who watched it as a kid automatically belong to an unspoken brotherhood. Or how about the one kid in intermediate school who inevitably wrote his "My Hero" report on Optimus Prime.

Anyway. Transformers. Important to my generation. Not the point of this entry.

I like to think as I've gotten older and supposedly more mature (that's debatable), I've come to enjoy movies for any of the following reasons: good humor, good dialogue, character development, intricate plot lines, the ability to engage me emotionally...and sure, maybe even the chance to sit around afterwards and talk about it with friends and family.

"Transformers" had none of these, yet I still enjoyed it, because I got exactly what I expected when I walked in: poor dialogue, cheesy lines, zero character development (I walked out of the theater wondering why they couldn't have at least delved into the hidden complexities of Starscream's brooding character a bit more), a plot line that had me continually asking "Wait, couldn't they just have...?" and "How were they able to...?", and characters that could have all died and I could have cared less, with the exception of Optimus Prime. It was 2+ hours of action, explosions, car chases, and CG robots duking it out, and it was awesome. Don't think we weren't cheering periodically throughout the movie. That's really all there was to it.

More than meets the eye? Not even close.

But that's not why I went.

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The Insanity of Triathletes

This is the first in a series I would like to title "Things I Will Probably Never Do In My Life."

A couple weekends ago I drove down to middle-of-nowhere Virginia -- no, Rye, not Rocky Gap -- to watch my bro-in-law, Ben, compete in a half-Ironman Triathlon. There were various incentives for going, but the most enticing was Ben's promise: "If I finish, I'm going to tattoo the Ironman logo on my butt." (I reminded him that since it was a half-Ironman he could justifiably get half the tattoo now and finish it up when he did a full one next August) As creepy as the prospect of seeing another man's pale white cheek normally is, I couldn't pass up the opportunity. I hopped in the car after work on a Friday and headed south.

Inking aspirations aside, it was impressive to think about what's involved in a half-Ironman triathlon: a 1.2-mile swim, 56-mile bike ride, and 13-mile run. Ben ended up doing quite well and we were proud of him. Granted, he wandered aimlessly for about 30 minutes after the race, mumbling stuff like "I don't feel good" and being nonresponsive to simple queries like: "What do you need? Water? Powerbar?", but all in all it was great.

Since I have never trained for or even considered doing a triathlon of any sort, I wouldn't know where to advise you on how to get ready for one. I am, however, an expert spectator, so I have done the courtesy of providing a list on how to best prepare to spectate such an event:

• Get used to cheering for people you don't know. Along with that, refrain from calling participants by name. They prefer whatever number is written in sharpie marker on their arm/leg;
  
• Bring a lawn chair from which you will have ample time to -- in between the sporadic and short opportunities you have to cheer for competitors -- contemplate your own laziness;
• Sunscreen;
  
• Prepare yourself to see girls with larger shoulders than you. This even applies to you, men (exception: Casey Tanner);
• Bring a tolerance for men in speedos. I will not offer advice on how to prepare for this aspect of spectating, and will leave that to your own discretion;
  
• Bring a defibrillator. Believe it or not, strenuous exertion for 5+ hours in mid-Atlantic summer humidity increases a person's chances of randomly collapsing at or near your feet;
• Bring a reluctant willingness to use your middle finger. This is reserved only for use on the spectators who feel that since they have previously completed a triathlon they somehow have license to make fun of those who are struggling or may not have all of the 'right' equipment. ***(In no other aspect of life do I endorse this action)***

Some memorable quotes from the day:

From Ben before he got in the water for the swim:
"Josh, I wish I had some words of wisdom for you right now..." *long pause as he begins to walk towards the beach* "...well, see you in 30 minutes"

Some random guy (#45, I believe) talking to his friend during the swim-biking transition:
"That's a long-ass swim"

Mad props to those who have the discipline and guts to train for crap like this!

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"Leave Nothing"

I'm sorry, but has anyone seen this commercial?

Why did it take so long for the normally genius marketers at Nike to combine football, an amazing movie soundtrack ("Last of the Mohicans"), a freak-of-nature LB (Shawn Merriman), and one of the best, current RB's (Stephen Jackson) into a commercial?

I would have liked to see the casting calls for the extras... "Football commercial" OK, I can handle that; "must be willing to dress in uniform" Tights and pads, I can handle that; "must be willing to sign injury waiver" naturally; "must be willing to be hit and / or run over by professional football players over multiple takes" maybe I'll wait for something else to come along.

This gave me the chills. It's obviously football season, isn't it?

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Dietary Scapegoats

Whether we like to admit it or not, we are subject to the influence of what 'experts' tell us. In some ways we have to be; none of us has the time (or interest...or patience...) to be an expert in everything (even though I know we've all met those people who talk so much they've convinced themselves that they do, in fact, know everything).

I've found that this is the case with food and nutrition. Do we really understand what all of these vitamins and minerals that we are supposed to be getting in our daily diet really do for us? Phosphorus? Iron? How many Vitamin B's can there be? Should we place a cap of 12 on Vitamin B's and form a Vitamin F category to simplify things?... So many questions...and because most of us are too lazy to figure it out, we're keeping GNC in business just to fill our daily quota.

Another thing I've noticed, though I haven't been around too long: The FDA seems to find a new nutritional villain every couple of years -- I'm not one to conjure up conspiracy theories, but I think it's just because someone at the FDA is getting bored and feels like shaking things up. The following is a roughly chronological list of nutritional stuff I've noticed over the last couple of decades that have more or less been deemed evil by the nutritional community:

• Fat / Sugar: These were always pretty obvious to us. Fat...well, made you fat. Sugar was the obvious culprit of rotting teeth and increased weight.
• Cholesterol / Sodium: As far as I can tell, these became the scapegoats in the early 90's as a result of increased awareness of heart disease.
  
• Nutrasweet: Oh, the irony of creating a substitute for sugar that ends up being a suspected carcinogen. I heard somewhere that this is also responsible for male infertility.
  
• Carbs: I've never seen something condemned as quickly as carbs were after the Atkins' revolution came about. Carbs have slowly worked their way back into our hearts, but the initial blow to the relationship indicates that it will never be the same.
  
• Trans Fat: This is the current hot topic. If you even mention the word in a restaurant the place is immediately evacuated.
  

I have a couple of predictions for the future:


Well, I think the lesson to be learned here is just try to eat healthy and don't worry about percentages.

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Football by the NUMB3RS

I love this time of year. It starts to cool down a bit, the leaves are changing colors, the chaos of summer vacation and travel are winding down. It's the perfect time to kick back and really enjoy what fall is all about: College Football. Yes, my friends, the greatest 4 months of the year are already upon us, and I hope you're enjoying it as much as I am. Granted, I could be in Provo for BYU home games, but I've got the next best thing at my place: A sweet bachelor-pad setup that allows me to view two football games simultaneously.

Since a pasttime of college football fanatics is looking at the box score and all the numbers after the game, let's breakdown the setup in my condo by the numbers:

84: The combined number of inches of viewable television screen between the two TV's in my condo. The specs: 52-inch ol' skool rear-projection TV with a 32-inch HD-LCD placed on top. We call it "Picture-on-picture". And lest we forget, this coincidentally is also the year that Lavell's passionless scowl and our troops donning midriff-revealing 80's jerseys brought home the National Championship.

2: Number of cable boxes in my apartment; # of X-Box's (one ol' skool and one 360); # of speakers taller than 6 feet

7: The presumed number of remote controls in my living room.

4: The amount of remote controls in my living room that can be found at any given time.

8: Number of speakers hooked up to our surround sound. What is it with us (guys) and surround sound? We have to have it because it "enhances the experience," which I find ironic because we spend most of the game complaining about how we would like the commentators to just SHUT UP with their idiotic, uh, commenting.

65: Percent chance that I will have an epileptic seizure based on sensory overload thanks to the continuous combined exposure to the aforementioned devices.

Some approximates:
~35-40: The estimated number of years that are shaved off of my life expectancy every time BYU has a close game. (Yes, I should be dead by now...but Asians have a long life expectancy)

~48: Cubic feet the love-sac is occupying in front of the TV.

Some inequalities:
<0: Probability that I will not be plopped in front of this sweet setup watching college football on a Saturday between the months of September and January; also, the amount of time left on the clock when Harline caught "the answered prayer" in BYU v. UT in '06 (Yes, I know that a probability of less than 0 is impossible... Asians aren't just good at math, we can use literary devices like hyperbole as well)

>5: Number of times I swear during a close BYU football game.

>200: Number of times I stop myself from swearing during a close BYU football game.

3: Number of hours spent in repentance following a close BYU football game.

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Presidential Aspirations

These are the bobbleheads we got at the Nationals-Mets game. Check out Abe's scowl. Abe isn't angry because of racism, or the South's rebellion... He's upset that every history textbook inevitably precedes their chapter on him with "although not particularly good-looking, President Lincoln was known to..."

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America's Coffee Addiction

So I realize that this entry would have been timely about 10 years ago to this day, but I have to write about when I was ordering breakfast with Casey and Jenna in downtown DC after our White House Tour (separate story for another day -- let's just say a guard was ready and willing to beat yours truly with a black baton for having "slanty eyes" and Casey got reprimanded for sitting in a chair).

Anyhow, we walk into a place called Cosi to grab some breakfast bagels. I ordered my sandwich and they asked me what I wanted to drink. The dialogue went (roughly) as follows:

"Would you like something to drink with that?"
"Yes. Milk, please."
"Coffee?"
"No. Milk, please."
"For your coffee?"
"No. Just a normal cup of milk."

Now I understand that miscommunications take place. I also know that I have the tendency to mumble sometimes. But honestly.

I think those of us from this generation saw earlier indicators of America's need for a coffee fix in our classmates in high school, and most of us noticed that at some point the number of Starbucks in our hometowns outnumbered the number of people. But who knew what it would grow into?

America is so in need of coffee in the morning...well, let's try this one on for size: How many times have you heard a coworker say: "I haven't had my coffee this morning..." as an excuse for poor performance, and then had the supervisor nod their sympathetic understanding and add: "Hey, could you brew some up? I need to get a start on the day, too." Addiction is an understatement. If you can't function without it, and going 24 hours without it is the cause of crippling headaches, that's called withdrawal, a symptom of addiction.

Or when you can't order something as simple as milk at a cafe because the employees' vernacular is limited to "coffee", that might be a symptom as well.

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Historical Lessons from Pamplona

This entry may live up to the ramblings part of my blog name.

History continues to teach us lessons, and a month or so ago when the Tanner boys started sending pictures of the most recent "Running of the Bulls" in Pamplona, Spain, my initial reaction helped me quickly conjure up an unqualified, over-generalized lesson of my own: History continues to teach us that the brave are insane and the cowards -- who avoid such activities -- are completely rational.

My initial reaction was, not surprisingly: "What in the world would possess a rational human being to do something like that? That's insane."

But then I had more of a chance to think about it. My second thought: "It's really about perspective...Most great people, at least in some limited way, are always viewed as a little off."

Use history as a precedent and think about it for a second. The Macedonian soldiers must have thought that Alexander the Great was crazy when he said something like: "Instead of being content with our spoils, let's cross the straits and kick some Persian A next, shall we?" Most British probably thought Winston Churchill was some deranged idealist when he refused to surrender, even though Britain was the only thing stopping the Nazis from conquering Europe. And yet they were great, because they had the courage to believe in themselves and instilled that courage in others.

Granted, these are extreme historical figures. But if you'll allow me to philosophize for a second, **stepping up on soap box** I would posit that all of us striving to improve ourselves, to succeed and to enjoy life, are a little crazy in our own way. Understand that when I use 'crazy', I use it loosely and synonymously with dedicated, bold, adventurous, daring, driven, risk-taking. Some universal examples that we can all relate to? I thought you'd never ask.

You have to be a little crazy to:
*...dream and to have goals in a world that perpetually bombards you with "can't" and "never";
*...pursue hobbies you truly enjoy, even though to an outsider they may not seem all that 'practical';
*...as an individual, completely trust another person and let yourself fall in love with them;
*...squeeze the joys out of life when the world with all its problems seem to be crumbling around you;
*...have children when it would make "so much more sense" to keep all that money those children are going to cost for yourself;
*...be great -- and I'm not talking about conquer-the-Persian-Empire great. I'm talking about the personal greatness in which you become the person you truly want to be, instead of taking the easy route and settling for mediocrity.

So the always-rational-people will never be great because they lack the courage to face risks and possible failure. They will never have stories to tell, nor a legacy to leave behind. Possessing common sense is one of those things that separates us from the animals; but I would say an equally great gift is the courage to, at times, go against common sense in order to either better yourself and/or the world around you. You need to be a little crazy to have courage, and you need to have courage to be great.

I tip my Henry Weinhard's to all of you who do things that strangers would sometimes term to be against "better judgment."

And if you've read this far, I tip my Henry's to you as well.

**End soapboxing**

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Not Even a Slap on the Wrist

Let's run through a theoretical scenario here. You are the chief of police in a mildly unstable government that has just undergone a coup d'etat and need to crack down on police corruption. What's your proposed solution? What kind of punishment do you instate to crack down on the cops?

My initial ideas were the classics: waterboarding (I didn't want to include the link, so you can look it up on your own if you want), the sharpened bamboo inserted underneath the fingernails (courtesy of Sayyid from 'LOST'), a pillory; for the under-14 crowd, you could even institute the notorious dunk tank from school-carnival days. Any combination of those would serve as a sufficient deterrent, in my opinion.

The Thai Police decided a few weeks back to go a different route. For policemen who violate rules, the punishment is the wearing of a pink "Hello Kitty" armband.

No, you are not illiterate, and yes, you read that correctly.

I make no claims to being an Organizational Behavior expert, but I'm guessing that this is not the best way to stop corrupt cops from running extortion scams, laundering money, and basically using their position to improve their standard of living. Anybody who feels differently, feel free to weigh in. (I realize I've neglected to mention that this is for first-time, minor offenses...but I'm operating off the principle of the idea here) In the words of Seinfeld with regards to the Winter Olympics' biathlon: "This makes about as much sense to me as swimming and, I don't know...strangling a guy."

However, on the off-chance that this does work, and to better position myself as a law enforcement consultant if other police agencies decide to adopt this humiliation-by-clothing/accessory idea, I brainstormed a few ideas:

*They could make German police wear this Tom Cruise t-shirt.

*For our Texas brethren down south, maybe make them wrap a large towel around themselves.

*After searching long and hard, I decided that there is nothing that you could dress a Japanese person up in that would humiliate them. Have you seen their game shows?

*But really, when it boils down to it, I think this would translate well into any language:I wasn't feeling all that creative today, so these are pretty lame. Feel free to make suggestions.

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VNTY-PLTS

I seem to be spending more time in the car now that I’m out of Provo. When I get sick of NPR, music, or feeling like trying to sort out my thoughts is going to induce some sort of premature insanity, I start focusing on what’s going on outside. It’s a two-edged sword. Sometimes I’m rewarded with beautiful scenery like waterfalls. Sometimes I’m punished with seeing a shirtless man in his Jeep with more back hair than that guy that Ben Stiller plays basketball against in “Along Came Polly” (a sub-par movie at best).

Anyway, my point is that I notice things I wouldn’t have before – like the ridiculous amount of vanity plates in the DC-area (sources tell me Cali drivers hold their own in this department). They helped occupy my time at first when traffic was bad, with me trying to figure out what the owner was going for; kind of like those psychological tests proving that your mind is capable of reading a passage smoothly as long as the first and last letters of words are the same, even if the letters in between are scrambled. (See how much my Psych minor has helped me out at www.in-absolutely-no-significant-aspect-of-my-life.org). Here are a few I’ve seen, with what I assume was the meaning the owner was going for. Some are pretty easy to decipher, although ultimately useless:

<-- Pretty obvious: "Kicking Tail”

“Redneck Love”. Not necessarily something I want to think about, but pretty obvious. -->

Others aren’t so obvious:

<-- “Log Jammin’ ” ?? (I can only surmise that this is a Bob Marley song about clear-cutting forests)

??? I really have no clue here.------->

The novelty wore off after seeing the first five or so. Now they just bug me. I don’t really see the purpose. If you want to convey a message that bad (the fee and hassle of waiting time to get customized plates) in order to say something meaningful, you would think you would want more than seven characters to do it.

But perhaps I misjudge my fellow DC’ers / Northern Virginians, and I need to be objective and try and see things from their perspective. Maybe they’re not going for anything profound, but something short and concise, so that they can remember their plate # for some reason (I can tell you right now, I can’t remember mine). That makes sense.

Then again, if you do something stupid and / or illegal, the plates make it that much easier for the people who saw you to remember your plates when they call the cops on you.

If you’ve seen any good plates lately, feel free to post them in a comment. I’d be interested to see what’s out there.

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Attn: All DDR & Guitar Hero Fans

So I am going to say immediately that this is from "The Onion", my favorite newspaper to grab when I'm at a Metro Station here in the DC area, and is by no means an original work of mine. This is way too hilarious for me to think up. Given the recent hype around these games, this is a fitting article (click the image to go to the article). Enjoy.

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